Help Questions for anyone with BPD

[coolgal82]

Hi so like i'm looking to look more into the condition cus i've been told by like many people i should look into it (even people here lmao, although the thing that prompted this was posting a meme on r/trollcoping and literally several people mentioning bpd lol) and i wanna like understand it better by understanding peoples experiences and like from what ive seen alot of people here have it

my main questions are:

1. about like the concept of FPs. i dont fully understand them like i kinda do but the stuff i've seen varies, so like what does it feel like to you? how long does it last? when does it like begin to apply to someone, is it gradual or just does it go from 0 to 100? do you always have one? when was your first one? can you have like multiple at once and if so how does it like work?

2. about splitting. again i kinda understand it but i see lots of different stuff on it again so like again, what does it feel like to you? what circumstances does it happen under? who does it happen to? how does it like feel? is it always like instant and extreme? how often does it happen? how long does it like last?

also like tbh any other info on it and like your subjective experiences would be good. everything i see is too like abstract and like "oh xyz happens" but it doesnt give concrete examples or descriptions and like tbh i have enough trouble understanding abstract stuff and even moreso applying it to myself like "does this count? does that? is this that? do i feel that? idfk????" it's very hard for me to like understand whats going on in my head and even harder to apply abstract concepts and that to it lmao.

thanks.

 

[aespa]

1. An FP is a person that is the subject of an intense, often irrational fixation. It can feel like an uncontrollable attachment to that person, like they are the only person in the world who truly understands you. The duration of an FP can vary, it can sometimes be years in duration. Some people say that once you have a new FP, the old one disappears from your mind very quickly. Some people only have one FP while others have several.
2. Splitting: it does happen very quickly and intensively, often over small things. What causes it to happen and who does it happen to, I'd say depends on the individual. Some things that can cause it to happen is a feeling of abandonment, perceived criticism, or fear of being betrayed. Anyone who experiences BPD can go through splitting, but it tends to happen more often in romantic relationships. The feeling associated with it can be intense rage, panic, emptiness or despair.
3. The length of time it lasts also depends on the individual. For some it can last for hours, days, weeks, or even months. Some people describe it as an on and off switch. Where they are fine for a time and then suddenly something triggers the splitting and then they just feel intense anger or sadness.

hope i helped :)

 

[candy578]

1. I think I don't really get the typical FP experience. Arguing/not speaking with people that I am/was close with feels extremely painful, and sometimes I will feel a strong liking towards someone I probably shouldn't (i.e. someone that is a bad influence or just won't ever like me back). I don't get attached to a particular person as I'm too afraid of getting hurt if things go sour.

2. I personally do struggle to understand what splitting is fully - for me, I usually can hide the fact I am unwell (to the point people have only found out because I've been hospitalised), so I would say it's when I get to the point where I can't control my emotions in a public space. I think my main memory of this was when I had a misunderstanding with someone, I assumed they hated me, so I got extremely angry and upset & tried running away from them (as they couldn't leave me if I left first). I would say splitting would be a very extreme swing in mood and for me it lasts until whatever has triggered me has gone.

BPD is a very varied diagnosis - I was diagnosed based on the DSM-5 criteria, where you have to match at least 5/9 of the statements. You can see the 9 statements here, but as you can see, they are quite broad, as the statements look at different issues, and there are 256 combinations of statements that can lead to a diagnosis (probably why I haven't given the best answers to your questions, as I don't match the abandonment/relationship criteria). What I'm trying to say here is that I strongly recommend looking beyond the FP and splitting that is commonly seen as relating to BPD, as whilst they can be major components, many other things tie into the diagnosis as well.

Just a word of warning though, I don't know if you would ever go seeking a formal diagnosis, but at least in my experience, professionals have a lot of negative opinions about those with BPD, so do bear that in mind. Also, it can be misdiagnosed as there is a lot of crossover with cPTSD and autism, but a lot of professionals will just slap on a BPD diagnosis, so if you think either of those matches your experiences better, fight for the correct diagnosis.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!

 

[coolgal82]

1. I think I don't really get the typical FP experience. Arguing/not speaking with people that I am/was close with feels extremely painful, and sometimes I will feel a strong liking towards someone I probably shouldn't (i.e. someone that is a bad influence or just won't ever like me back). I don't get attached to a particular person as I'm too afraid of getting hurt if things go sour.

2. I personally do struggle to understand what splitting is fully - for me, I usually can hide the fact I am unwell (to the point people have only found out because I've been hospitalised), so I would say it's when I get to the point where I can't control my emotions in a public space. I think my main memory of this was when I had a misunderstanding with someone, I assumed they hated me, so I got extremely angry and upset & tried running away from them (as they couldn't leave me if I left first). I would say splitting would be a very extreme swing in mood and for me it lasts until whatever has triggered me has gone.

BPD is a very varied diagnosis - I was diagnosed based on the DSM-5 criteria, where you have to match at least 5/9 of the statements. You can see the 9 statements here, but as you can see, they are quite broad, as the statements look at different issues, and there are 256 combinations of statements that can lead to a diagnosis (probably why I haven't given the best answers to your questions, as I don't match the abandonment/relationship criteria). What I'm trying to say here is that I strongly recommend looking beyond the FP and splitting that is commonly seen as relating to BPD, as whilst they can be major components, many other things tie into the diagnosis as well.

Just a word of warning though, I don't know if you would ever go seeking a formal diagnosis, but at least in my experience, professionals have a lot of negative opinions about those with BPD, so do bear that in mind. Also, it can be misdiagnosed as there is a lot of crossover with cPTSD and autism, but a lot of professionals will just slap on a BPD diagnosis, so if you think either of those matches your experiences better, fight for the correct diagnosis.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!

i'm mainly asking cus like ive looked into the other stuff and these are the main things i dont get, and like alot of other stuff could be like autism/adhd related cus im diagnosed with them and these are the two things im aware of that i've heard from multiple sources are like the like most unique to it so i thought it'd be best to mostly look into these, especially cus theyre also the thing i understand least lmao.

 

[candy578]

i'm mainly asking cus like ive looked into the other stuff and these are the main things i dont get, and like alot of other stuff could be like autism/adhd related cus im diagnosed with them and these are the two things im aware of that i've heard from multiple sources are like the like most unique to it so i thought it'd be best to mostly look into these, especially cus theyre also the thing i understand least lmao.

To be fair, I have had several professionals say that a lot of my symptoms are most definitely autism related, but I'm currently stuck on an infinite waiting list due to the state of the NHS, so I guess I will never know. But honestly being ND does mess things up a bit as mental health staff have very little training on this area, so they see things that are ND related as mental health issues, which can make things worse imo.
Just because certain things are unique to BPD, doesn't mean that everyone experiences them. Could you match it to past experiences? That's the way I try to make sense of it, but I struggle with that due to the fact my issues are more related to the other criteria

 

[coolgal82]

To be fair, I have had several professionals say that a lot of my symptoms are most definitely autism related, but I'm currently stuck on an infinite waiting list due to the state of the NHS, so I guess I will never know. But honestly being ND does mess things up a bit as mental health staff have very little training on this area, so they see things that are ND related as mental health issues, which can make things worse imo.
Just because certain things are unique to BPD, doesn't mean that everyone experiences them. Could you match it to past experiences? That's the way I try to make sense of it, but I struggle with that due to the fact my issues are more related to the other criteria

i have some experiences that i could maybe say are them but also again its so abstract that im not 100 percent sure

like i've had multiple friendgroups that go pretty stable for like a few months to a year or two then we have like a tiny fight and im like "no fuck these people theyre awful i hate them they dont care about me or value me i hate them" but like i was never super close with them

but now with my new friends that im way closer with (getting close to people is super hard i was basically forced into it by outside events) it happens more often over smaller things like any percieved thing of them like ignoring me mostly and i decide theyre evil terrible people and usually just log off discord cus i dont wanna see them and like my usual response to rage is to like remove myself from the source of it (based on like past experience especially with like anger issues my whole life from audhd) but idk one time i yelled at them (over text tbh but idk) that they all hated me and were toying with me and were awful people and i left the server then like the next day i was begging them to let me back (they were nice cus theyre fucking awesome i love them sm theyre the best people in the entire fucking universe)

theres other stuff that could maybe be related but honestly idk. its too abstract.

also like i am basically fucking obsessed with my besties (its 2 of them but its like split between them weirdly and idk if its both of them individually or one of them even more or both as a unit cus its in a different way towards each of them?) and ive never been like this before really i dont think but again i've literally never had like close friends before.

it also doesnt help that my memory fucking sucks lmao

 

[candy578]

i have some experiences that i could maybe say are them but also again its so abstract that im not 100 percent sure

like i've had multiple friendgroups that go pretty stable for like a few months to a year or two then we have like a tiny fight and im like "no fuck these people theyre awful i hate them they dont care about me or value me i hate them" but like i was never super close with them

but now with my new friends that im way closer with (getting close to people is super hard i was basically forced into it by outside events) it happens more often over smaller things like any percieved thing of them like ignoring me mostly and i decide theyre evil terrible people and usually just log off discord cus i dont wanna see them and like my usual response to rage is to like remove myself from the source of it (based on like past experience especially with like anger issues my whole life from audhd) but idk one time i yelled at them (over text tbh but idk) that they all hated me and were toying with me and were awful people and i left the server then like the next day i was begging them to let me back (they were nice cus theyre fucking awesome i love them sm theyre the best people in the entire fucking universe)

theres other stuff that could maybe be related but honestly idk. its too abstract.

also like i am basically fucking obsessed with my besties (its 2 of them but its like split between them weirdly and idk if its both of them individually or one of them even more or both as a unit cus its in a different way towards each of them?) and ive never been like this before really i dont think but again i've literally never had like close friends before.

it also doesnt help that my memory fucking sucks lmao

I would say these fit in quite well. A lot of splitting especially is being unable to see the middle ground, instead only seeing the black and white (like how someone is either horrid or amazing with no option of them just being okay). I can't speak too much on the friendship aspects as I struggle maintaining friendships and I usually lose them when I transition on (like losing my school friends when I left)

 

[coolgal82]

I would say these fit in quite well. A lot of splitting especially is being unable to see the middle ground, instead only seeing the black and white (like how someone is either horrid or amazing with no option of them just being okay). I can't speak too much on the friendship aspects as I struggle maintaining friendships and I usually lose them when I transition on (like losing my school friends when I left)

is there ever a thing where like your brain cant decide which one someone is cus i feel like i've done that once and idk if thats related

like theres one guy where im like "ok hes cool and funny in vc but he also likes this person i hate and interacts with people who are objectively horrible but hes fun to talk to but he has alot of bad takes" and my brain just constantly argues with itself over whether hes good or not its weird

also like does that apply to everyone or can it like only apply to some people or like not as extreme

cus one guy i was like "yo hes cool" then we had a minor disagreement and for a month i just hated him and everything he said was like the dumbest thing ive seen or like offensive but it wasnt like that extreme compared to some other people and like it just kinda went away and now im like "how do i feel about him???? idfk???????? i kinda just simply do not care?????????"

also like specifically for my besties its like i basically have to keep justifying why theyre actually amazing and perfect like if we disagree on certain things i have to somehow reason why theyre actually right in some regard or it's not their fault that theyre wrong and its understandable how they could think that and anyone in their position/with their experiences would agree and etc
tbf i also just kinda instantly changed several of my beliefs upon like joining the friend group to like fit in more lmao
but its definitely most extreme towards them like theyre literally the best people ever everyone else is like "pretty cool i guess" my love for them makes all my other relationships feel tiny

 

[coolgal82]

also like to add to the previous thing i do sometimes just have intense hatred for people like without really anything idk if thats part of it. like someone had a mildly annoying interaction with me on twitter ages ago and even until now every time i see her say anything i get pissed off.

also when anyone like disrupts the vcs with my besties i basically consider that worse than if they like assaulted and robbed me and my family and it causes significant distress and i'll work to get them removed from the space if possible

also sometimes get super paranoid about people stealing them from me like one person who my brain is convinced is going to and she pisses me off so much just by existing it feels like everything she says is a taregeted attack against me and whatever

 

[candy578]

is there ever a thing where like your brain cant decide which one someone is cus i feel like i've done that once and idk if thats related

like theres one guy where im like "ok hes cool and funny in vc but he also likes this person i hate and interacts with people who are objectively horrible but hes fun to talk to but he has alot of bad takes" and my brain just constantly argues with itself over whether hes good or not its weird

also like does that apply to everyone or can it like only apply to some people or like not as extreme

cus one guy i was like "yo hes cool" then we had a minor disagreement and for a month i just hated him and everything he said was like the dumbest thing ive seen or like offensive but it wasnt like that extreme compared to some other people and like it just kinda went away and now im like "how do i feel about him???? idfk???????? i kinda just simply do not care?????????"

also like specifically for my besties its like i basically have to keep justifying why theyre actually amazing and perfect like if we disagree on certain things i have to somehow reason why theyre actually right in some regard or it's not their fault that theyre wrong and its understandable how they could think that and anyone in their position/with their experiences would agree and etc
tbf i also just kinda instantly changed several of my beliefs upon like joining the friend group to like fit in more lmao
but its definitely most extreme towards them like theyre literally the best people ever everyone else is like "pretty cool i guess" my love for them makes all my other relationships feel tiny

In my experience, relationship issues don't have to apply to everyone you meet. However, there is the issue of jumping between the extremes as well which can confuse feelings (like someone is bad, then they're good, then it's bad again in a short span of time). A lot of issues with sense of self can come into play with BPD as well, like I will hide/emphasise certain aspects of who I am when I'm with other people, partially to fit in with them better and partially because I struggle to see who I am as a person outside of what people want from me. There are people in my life though that I simply just cannot stand and I get filled with rage every time I see them.

BPD does also go hand in hand with paranoia and abnormal experiences, particularly in times of stress (although this can also have other causes). When I'm unwell, I spend a lot of my time paranoid that someone is going to break into my flat and I have ended up experiencing psychosis before.

 

[coolgal82]

In my experience, relationship issues don't have to apply to everyone you meet. However, there is the issue of jumping between the extremes as well which can confuse feelings (like someone is bad, then they're good, then it's bad again in a short span of time). A lot of issues with sense of self can come into play with BPD as well, like I will hide/emphasise certain aspects of who I am when I'm with other people, partially to fit in with them better and partially because I struggle to see who I am as a person outside of what people want from me. There are people in my life though that I simply just cannot stand and I get filled with rage every time I see them.

BPD does also go hand in hand with paranoia and abnormal experiences, particularly in times of stress (although this can also have other causes). When I'm unwell, I spend a lot of my time paranoid that someone is going to break into my flat and I have ended up experiencing psychosis before.

yeah i hide alot of parts of myself just so like people dont hate me really but its only half that half like whenever i find a new main friendgroup or community i kinda just unconsciously actually change to fit them like i either stop caring about things as much or change my beliefs entirely like i said, also i tend to have have big like shifts in my identity randomly based on like idk what really if its linked to that or not? i also tend to then get super attached to that like new thing which actually is the cause of atleast i think 4-5 friendgroups ending lmao. maybe more? idfk. it was all me being an asshole over that thing or like a minor disagreement over it making me hate them suddenly

tbf the like stuff like that though im like less sure on cus it could just as easily be like autism or somehow affected by it still, and also adhd cus like i also struggle with like who i am really cus i jump from hyperfixation to hyperfixation i find one and like base my entire personality around it then get bored of it and hop to something else, but like when i have friends it seems to stabilise more based on like our mutual interests and idk if thats like anything or if its just because im exposed to it more? idk? idk. all that stuff is especially confusing with the overlap and also abstract terms and shit

also kinda on the paranoia like idk what counts as being "paranoid" vs just worried but like i quit my most recent job partially because i was convinced they hates me and were about to replace me, and like basically every time i go outside alone im convinced anyone could be trying to rob me like i give everyone wide berths and hide my phone from them and like when they get close im just begging them to do nothing and sometimes see like images in my mind of stuff and thats kinda cringe. also like alot of moments of everyone secretly hating me or like working against me in some way like planning my downfall idk (probably in the same way i do to others or like theyre lesking secret chats or whatever), never experienced any kind of psychosis though i dont think

 

[candy578]

yeah i hide alot of parts of myself just so like people dont hate me really but its only half that half like whenever i find a new main friendgroup or community i kinda just unconsciously actually change to fit them like i either stop caring about things as much or change my beliefs entirely like i said, also i tend to have have big like shifts in my identity randomly based on like idk what really if its linked to that or not? i also tend to then get super attached to that like new thing which actually is the cause of atleast i think 4-5 friendgroups ending lmao. maybe more? idfk. it was all me being an asshole over that thing or like a minor disagreement over it making me hate them suddenly

tbf the like stuff like that though im like less sure on cus it could just as easily be like autism or somehow affected by it still, and also adhd cus like i also struggle with like who i am really cus i jump from hyperfixation to hyperfixation i find one and like base my entire personality around it then get bored of it and hop to something else, but like when i have friends it seems to stabilise more based on like our mutual interests and idk if thats like anything or if its just because im exposed to it more? idk? idk. all that stuff is especially confusing with the overlap and also abstract terms and shit

also kinda on the paranoia like idk what counts as being "paranoid" vs just worried but like i quit my most recent job partially because i was convinced they hates me and were about to replace me, and like basically every time i go outside alone im convinced anyone could be trying to rob me like i give everyone wide berths and hide my phone from them and like when they get close im just begging them to do nothing and sometimes see like images in my mind of stuff and thats kinda cringe. also like alot of moments of everyone secretly hating me or like working against me in some way like planning my downfall idk (probably in the same way i do to others or like theyre lesking secret chats or whatever), never experienced any kind of psychosis though i dont think

Unstable sense of self and stress induced paranoia are 2 of the main criteria. Again, the sense of self could be ND traits, but that's why there's issues with misdiagnosis.
I am not a medical professional so I don't want to overstep, but delusions are a symptom of psychosis

 

[coolgal82]

Unstable sense of self and stress induced paranoia are 2 of the main criteria. Again, the sense of self could be ND traits, but that's why there's issues with misdiagnosis.
I am not a medical professional so I don't want to overstep, but delusions are a symptom of psychosis

What exactly counts as a "delusion" though all i know about psychosis is like the media representation of it really which im guessing isnt all that accurate

And yeah the misdiagnosis stuff is kinda what im worried about like either i dont have it or think i do cus of that stuff and im wrong or i do but it gets written off due to that idk. I match like most of the symptoms still though i think, the ones i don't match are just like the dissociation one and self harming behaviours (although like i might? I have lots of thoughts/urges but like don't really do anything. Ive cut myself like once and not very well but other than that the most ive done is like bite on my finger to try calm myself down or distract myself and like sometimes i hit my head but like i dont know if those really count cus like i dont bite/hit that hard. Usually when the emotions get too much or i feel theyre about to i have a drink or just go lay in bed or whatever, but like one time i got a phonecall and it just pissed me off so much i felt like i had to drink to just make it stop lmao) but im still not 100% on all the others like if im misunderstanding them or if theyre caused by other things

again i only mentioned the ones i did in my post cus from what i see theyre the most like unique, like the identity stuff can be autism and adhd, the emotional dysregulation could be adhd, the abandonment stuff could just be like RSD from adhd (which isnt a like confirmed symptom but reported by many with adhd) and like probably others that I'm forgetting. I saw some like venn diagram with the 3 of them and the overlaps let me see if i can find it but yeah

Ngl i dont know what the purpose of anything i just said was i kinda forgot what i was going for halfway through typing and just started yapping????? Idfk lmao.
Ok i found the image


Edit: also to add like alot of it started (or got way worse) semi recently, mainly the like relationships stuff which i theorise is cus ive never had close friends before really and i was kinda just forced into being close friends with these guys due to a situation. Alot of the other stuff started around like 15-16-17 though and has just been getting worse

 

[coolgal82]

I don't know lol

do you like have anything to like add or is it just that (i dont mean this rudely i mean it as a genuine question i cant find a way to not phrase it like rudely but i dont mean it that way i promise)

 

[painfullypointless]

do you like have anything to like add or is it just that (i dont mean this rudely i mean it as a genuine question i cant find a way to not phrase it like rudely but i dont mean it that way i promise)

I don't really have anything to add, they seem like silly questions to me, i'm up and open for a conversation though

 

[coolgal82]

I don't really have anything to add, they seem like silly questions to me, i'm up and open for a conversation though

kinda rude but ok they're serious questions idk what about them is silly

 

[painfullypointless]

kinda rude but ok they're serious questions idk what about them is silly

well you're asking about a favorite person/favorite people - it's pretty self explanatory, it's someone you care and love so deeply, you'd do anything for them. I don't remember what the other question is.

kinda rude but ok they're serious questions idk what about them is silly

Aespa has written very accurately about it in an academic way.

 

[coolgal82]

well you're asking about a favorite person/favorite people - it's pretty self explanatory, it's someone you care and love so deeply, you'd do anything for them. I don't remember what the other question is.

Aespa has written very accurately about it in an academic way.

yeah, i am aware of that but like the concept is too abstract for me i wanna know like what it feels like and like practical examples, i struggle alot of just abstract stuff like that cus then idk if how i feel is exactly the same or whatever (i think this is an autism thing? idk.) also i asked for like more details as well.

 

[painfullypointless]

yeah, i am aware of that but like the concept is too abstract for me i wanna know like what it feels like and like practical examples, i struggle alot of just abstract stuff like that cus then idk if how i feel is exactly the same or whatever (i think this is an autism thing? idk.) also i asked for like more details as well.

well not everyone wants to talk about private personal things such as that in an open space like this, besides if you want to know how it feels then you haven't felt it before meaning that's now how you feel?

 

[coolgal82]

well not everyone wants to talk about private personal things such as that in an open space like this, besides if you want to know how it feels then you haven't felt it before meaning that's now how you feel?

well they're free not to then???? no one is obligated to reply lmao.

also like the point is i dont know if i've felt it before because like i have nothing to compare my experiences to, so im asking how it feels to others so i can compare and see if my experiences are like anything similar

 

[coolgal82]

Oh the irony.

???? wtf are you talking about

 

[Innereye]

Living archive on cluster B disorders here: can DM me any specific questions & can send the related resources.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

well not everyone wants to talk about private personal things such as that in an open space like this, besides if you want to know how it feels then you haven't felt it before meaning that's now how you feel?

@coolgal82 asked a genuine question. If you don't want to answer that, perfectly fine. Stop responding bs and scroll along.

 

[Innereye]

well you're asking about a favorite person/favorite people - it's pretty self explanatory, it's someone you care and love so deeply, you'd do anything for them. I don't remember what the other question is.

Aespa has written very accurately about it in an academic way.

This is not what a favorite person is.

A 'favorite person' is a method of external regulation. Due to the borderline's lability & low sense of self/identity they idealize, parentify and mirror the attached person making them responsible in a sense for their moods.

It functions as a "narcissism by proxy' so to speak where as a way of escaping The 'self' (which is the most painful place to be if you're BPD) they mirror and try to take on the identity of idealized FP.

On top of which they outsource ego functions and reality testing to the FP. They'll ask questions like " Is this real" or "what do you think?" To an almost ritualistic degree.

Within this dynamic they will constantly be stuck between two all pervasive however, opposite fears, this being abandonment and engulfment leading to a behavioral pattern known as: approach avoidance repetition compulsion, where they'll get really close and enmesh with the the FP followed by wanting nothing to do with them and running away.

This inevitably ends up destabilizing the FP where unless they are an NPD (narcissistic personality disorder, will save this dynamic for a different post) The FP ends up in an intermittently reinforced cycle and becomes addicted to bpd's presence. And then there's a role reversal of this external regulatory process where the borderline person is doing the job of regulating the FP, leading to the next phase of the dynamic, which is known as splitting.

This is when the person with BPD goes from idealizing to devaluing the intimate partner. And then they go back and forth until they discard the FP and move on to the next.


Obviously the dynamic has many more layers that I could talk about but these are the basics.