Venting Putting on a facade around my boyfriend is draining

[musie]

My boyfriend has a very poor understanding of suicidal ideations. Therefore, whenever I have told him in the past about my suicidal/self-harm thoughts, or even tamer ones, he would immediately tell my mom. This has lead me to close up around him. I've told him many times and expressed my discomfort for him telling others about my struggles. I chose to tell him and not my mom for a reason.

I'm not going to ctb any time soon. That doesn't mean I'm invalid for having such ideations. I don't want to be put in a hospital for something I won't do, and I certainly don't want my body searched for self harm. Why does he have to be so ignorant to this? I know he has good intentions, but he's doing more harm than good. Him sharing our private conversations with my mom only worsens such thoughts. In fact, one time after I was confronted, I cut myself deeper than I ever would have.

If I tell him nothing, and act okay, he won't put me in such awful situations again. However, this is extremely hard and draining. I want to open up to him again. He is, or rather was, the person closest to me. I didn't vent to him without asking if it was okay first, because I respect his boundaries and understand I can be tough to deal with sometimes. Yet even though he told me it was okay to be vulnerable with him, he crossed the line, multiple times.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel as though I can no longer trust him. I want to, but too much has happened. We've been together for four years. It's not an easy thing to just let go either.

 

[JustHere1]

It may be time to let go if you're this distressed, I've been in similar circumstances. If you're not happy and comfortable around someone, ask Why. If you can't resolve this, why suffer? Being alone, I find, is easier and more relaxing than suffering in a "this-will-do" relationship, especially with intent to CTB. Without intent to CBT, if you have ideations and issues with self harm, it can be extremely hard to balance a relationship with the mental burden of harm on self (incl. emotional) - relationships already have a lot of mental burden to begin with, good and bad, but if you're no longer safe to share or have your privacy respected as anyone's should be, it is not beneficial and is just something to get you by. This is my opinion after dealing with overwhelming mental abuse and burden from ex partners. I am ready to CTB, not because of them, but I was in a massively damaged state and deteriorating at a rapid rate when I felt stuck in those relationships. Now I'm conscious and stable, and choosing to go on my own terms for my own reasons outside of mental health, though I will say it is difficult to balance with impending death.

 

[musie]

It may be time to let go if you're this distressed, I've been in similar circumstances. If you're not happy and comfortable around someone, ask Why. If you can't resolve this, why suffer? Being alone, I find, is easier and more relaxing than suffering in a "this-will-do" relationship, especially with intent to CTB. Without intent to CBT, if you have ideations and issues with self harm, it can be extremely hard to balance a relationship with the mental burden of harm on self (incl. emotional) - relationships already have a lot of mental burden to begin with, good and bad, but if you're no longer safe to share or have your privacy respected as anyone's should be, it is not beneficial and is just something to get you by. This is my opinion after dealing with overwhelming mental abuse and burden from ex partners. I am ready to CTB, not because of them, but I was in a massively damaged state and deteriorating at a rapid rate when I felt stuck in those relationships. Now I'm conscious and stable, and choosing to go on my own terms for my own reasons outside of mental health, though I will say it is difficult to balance with impending death.

Thank you for your input. It's saddening, but it's probably true that I would be better off alone rather than in a situation that causes such daily anguish. He's actually leaving on a year long trip for work, so I wonder if we will just naturally grow distant and cut ties. Perhaps it's better to end it, rather than holding on to something that would never have worked in the first place. Especially with everything he's done to break my trust, I would only have doubts about his faithfulness.

As for your situation, I'm glad you've found stability outside of your relationships, and I wish you peace in your decision to ctb. It's definitely not an easy decision to make. I hope you can enjoy your final moments in this world, even with the ending imminent.

 

[chandxoxo]

My boyfriend has a very poor understanding of suicidal ideations. Therefore, whenever I have told him in the past about my suicidal/self-harm thoughts, or even tamer ones, he would immediately tell my mom. This has lead me to close up around him. I've told him many times and expressed my discomfort for him telling others about my struggles. I chose to tell him and not my mom for a reason.

I'm not going to ctb any time soon. That doesn't mean I'm invalid for having such ideations. I don't want to be put in a hospital for something I won't do, and I certainly don't want my body searched for self harm. Why does he have to be so ignorant to this? I know he has good intentions, but he's doing more harm than good. Him sharing our private conversations with my mom only worsens such thoughts. In fact, one time after I was confronted, I cut myself deeper than I ever would have.

If I tell him nothing, and act okay, he won't put me in such awful situations again. However, this is extremely hard and draining. I want to open up to him again. He is, or rather was, the person closest to me. I didn't vent to him without asking if it was okay first, because I respect his boundaries and understand I can be tough to deal with sometimes. Yet even though he told me it was okay to be vulnerable with him, he crossed the line, multiple times.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I feel as though I can no longer trust him. I want to, but too much has happened. We've been together for four years. It's not an easy thing to just let go either.

i had a friend like that in school who told our teacher everytime I expressed sh thoughts and harmed myself...after my attempt we stopped talking entirely but then my therapist explained how she's also a child my age and she's just doing the best she can for my good. i fixed things between us later she is a good friend really but people like them they've very hostile thoughts regarding suicidal people. name calling, shaming, gaslighting and religious dogma is common. anything to prevent ctb nothing to prevent the abuse. I'll ctb soon I hope the best for her she is a genuinely good person regardless

 

[pulse1]

Me and my boyfriend were in the exact same situation a while back, some two years ago now. I had told him about my suicidal ideation and my desire to self harm severely, and he got really scared and told his dad. After that it was a whole ordeal, cops coming to my house and being forced to go to a terrible therapist who made everything worse for weeks. It built up a lot of resentment in me against him. He gets to not know how these terrible feelings and thoughts truly feel like, and even though he was the first and only person I confided this in, he told others because he was scared. I truly wanted to cut myself to shreds for months after it happened because I kept thinking.. he was scared, but couldn't be understand how scared I was? How terrible of a time I went through while he wasn't even there to see it? How I was getting scolded by my own family for being ungrateful or using up their money for the mandatory therapy, while he was with his own family getting comforted and being told he did his best and that it's better to leave me alone until I heal? Couldn't he realise he made my world 1000x darker and my ideation worse, when just saying that he's there for me would be enough?

It took months and honestly all the way until the past few weeks for me to finally accept what happened and 'forgive' him by a lack of better wording. But I can see his perspective a lot better now as well. We were both teenagers at the time, and we both truly loved each other. Whenever I had a bad episode he would be terrified of losing me, not me breaking up with him but getting completely wiped off the face of the world. For him, calling the welfare check and giving me space, even though I hated it all and it all made it worse, felt like the only thing he could do at that moment. Even though he'd plead with me for hours to stop my spiralling thoughts, most times it wouldn't be enough and I would end up hurting myself. He had genuinely become terrified of losing me because he did one thing wrong or said one word too little, and because my episode at that time was so bad, he thought that going against me and hurting me now would be worth it as long as I stayed alive. Asking for forgiveness is easier than asking for permission. Making sure I didn't die that day was the top most priority, even above the chance of me breaking up with him, because he felt like my life was his responsibility. As much as I tried not to, I still put a lot of responsibility carrying my issues to his hands as well. Trying to see things from his perspective helped me accept what happened in the past better.

But most importantly, this acceptance didn't come out of nowhere. What I'd advise for you and your boyfriend is to have a true heart to heart conversation on this. I talked to him for hours about what the effects of his actions at that time were on me, and it was a lot of tears, arguments and feelings of betrayal. But in the end we found our footing: it is my right to decide who gets to know about my mental illnesses or episodes, and he has to respect that. He cannot call the police on me whenever he's worried because I'm voicing out my ideations, the same way I don't tell every issue he has to my parents. Instead, he stays there for me, which is what has been the most helpful thing for my SH as well. Instead of forcing me to go to a doctor, he helps me take care of my wounds and refuses to leave even if I tell him to. This has been really helpful to our relationship in general because we are on the same page, and my SH and ideation are 'safeguarded' (getting a bit older, moving out of our family homes and getting to know each other more probably contributed this a lot as well, since now instead of going up to our parents for help, we turn to each other). Please remember to take care of yourself first and make your boundaries very clear: unless he can meet those boundaries and change to make you more comfortable, then it is a difficult relationship to pursue as it will only give more anguish to both of you. Mutual complete trust and willingness to work it out is most important.

I hope it gets better and you guys can figure it out together. Sending lots of love<3