Don't beat yourself up. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I backed out as well. If this is something you are set on doing, relax, take a step back, build the nerve, and try again. If not, then do some deep inflection on where you go from here. I'm going to attempt again soon. I'm here often, so if you want to talk, hit me up. No judgements, because I'm in no position to judge you. No one is. I wish you peace and clarity on your journey.
And now, you see why suicide is not "a coward's way out."