Neurodoom
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- Aug 13, 2019
- 30
I'm terrified.
Of what can go wrong, I live in a sober living house and I'm not sure if it'll be suspicious receiving a package considered hazardous.
I'm calmly relieved.
Life for me has been a tragedy. At 26 I've been intermittently suicidal for ~10 years. I deal with memories of being sexually abused as a child, shamefully hiding self-harm scars (both seem even more of a stigma considering I'm male), and constant paranoia, anxiety, depression and shame. Virtually everyone I come into contact with ignores me or dislikes me in some way, whether it's my depressed and unfriendly appearance or when I let down my mask and they get a peek of my false self. I don't mean to seem rude, angry, or depressed all the time. I just have (undiagnosed) severe depression and social anxiety and I don't trust your intentions and I'm pretty sure everyone is out to get me or harm me in some way. I hate everything about my past abuses, the memories never leave me.
I'm ready.
When I graduated rehab in February I felt like I had a second chance. I was going to get psychological help at any means, I was gonna find a career that I could thrive in, finally find that healthy non-codependent relationship. I did half of those things, and didn't even do it right. I'm still working as a dishwasher, and in yet another codependent relationship that's long distance. My "boyfriend" that's been busy with college and doesn't even take the time to text or call me anymore. He says he still cares and loves me but also that he's smothered and he needs time for his school. I don't want to be selfish but I'm literally dying without him. He expects me to just focus on my life without contacting him for days at a time until the semester is over (December). Without focusing on him I realize that I'm completely alone. My life is empty and scary and full of dark. Nobody offering reassurance, nobody offering a listening ear, helping hand, nobody who understands, nobody who cares. And he's one of them.
Of what can go wrong, I live in a sober living house and I'm not sure if it'll be suspicious receiving a package considered hazardous.
I'm calmly relieved.
Life for me has been a tragedy. At 26 I've been intermittently suicidal for ~10 years. I deal with memories of being sexually abused as a child, shamefully hiding self-harm scars (both seem even more of a stigma considering I'm male), and constant paranoia, anxiety, depression and shame. Virtually everyone I come into contact with ignores me or dislikes me in some way, whether it's my depressed and unfriendly appearance or when I let down my mask and they get a peek of my false self. I don't mean to seem rude, angry, or depressed all the time. I just have (undiagnosed) severe depression and social anxiety and I don't trust your intentions and I'm pretty sure everyone is out to get me or harm me in some way. I hate everything about my past abuses, the memories never leave me.
I'm ready.
When I graduated rehab in February I felt like I had a second chance. I was going to get psychological help at any means, I was gonna find a career that I could thrive in, finally find that healthy non-codependent relationship. I did half of those things, and didn't even do it right. I'm still working as a dishwasher, and in yet another codependent relationship that's long distance. My "boyfriend" that's been busy with college and doesn't even take the time to text or call me anymore. He says he still cares and loves me but also that he's smothered and he needs time for his school. I don't want to be selfish but I'm literally dying without him. He expects me to just focus on my life without contacting him for days at a time until the semester is over (December). Without focusing on him I realize that I'm completely alone. My life is empty and scary and full of dark. Nobody offering reassurance, nobody offering a listening ear, helping hand, nobody who understands, nobody who cares. And he's one of them.
