Actively inactive
Depressed, stressed, Garfield obsessed
- Apr 10, 2023
- 3
It feels hard to even get surface level enough to talk about. But you read the title so here goes, I guess.
From a young age I have been depressed as all hell, first time I remember wanting to ctb I had to have been 7 or 8. My father would cry about how he was going to kill me, my mother, and then himself because he was so depressed and couldn't take it anymore.
He taught me how to sh
He taught me what suicide was
He taught me how to throw up any food I could get down
After a while he convinced himself we had been lovers in a past life, and would sa me from ages 6 to around 11 before I realized what he was doing and called cps. They only gave him a slap on the wrist but it had been enough to make him stop.
All these years later I feel I'm only living out of spite of not giving him what he wants. Hes the one who wants me to starve, cut and ctb. But I feel after all of that time, thats not fair to me. I shouldn't have to to stay alive to keep a 60 year old man miserable.
Now everytime I even try to think about ctb I end up triggering flashbacks and episodes. I feel like its so unfair, I feel like it feels physically and psychologically impossible to ctb. But I this point I just feel so tired and worthless, whats to point in fighting when either way you're going to suffer?
Sometimes I wish he had ctb before I had been born so I could just get on with this without having stupid panic attacks like an idiot :(
From a young age I have been depressed as all hell, first time I remember wanting to ctb I had to have been 7 or 8. My father would cry about how he was going to kill me, my mother, and then himself because he was so depressed and couldn't take it anymore.
He taught me how to sh
He taught me what suicide was
He taught me how to throw up any food I could get down
After a while he convinced himself we had been lovers in a past life, and would sa me from ages 6 to around 11 before I realized what he was doing and called cps. They only gave him a slap on the wrist but it had been enough to make him stop.
All these years later I feel I'm only living out of spite of not giving him what he wants. Hes the one who wants me to starve, cut and ctb. But I feel after all of that time, thats not fair to me. I shouldn't have to to stay alive to keep a 60 year old man miserable.
Now everytime I even try to think about ctb I end up triggering flashbacks and episodes. I feel like its so unfair, I feel like it feels physically and psychologically impossible to ctb. But I this point I just feel so tired and worthless, whats to point in fighting when either way you're going to suffer?
Sometimes I wish he had ctb before I had been born so I could just get on with this without having stupid panic attacks like an idiot :(
