phersper
F*ck psychiatry
- Jun 28, 2023
- 165
I wasn't warned, I wasn't warned by my psychiatrist that I could end up like that, agonizing every minute of every second of every single day.
Antidepressants and other psych drugs damaged my brain and put me in a position I wouldn't wish not even to my worst enemy.
My sexuality has been obliterated: total loss of libido, erectile dysfunction, reduced sensitivity in genitalia, pleasureless orgasms. Sadly that's just the tip of the iceberg. The main problem here is that my body cannot produce any kind of pleasurable feeling because of the malfunctioning of the brain reward system. I know it seems like it can't be real, but trust me, I can't really enjoy not even a single thing in my life because my reward/dopamine pathaway has been somehow altered. I can't feel hungry or enjoy a (good) meal, I can't feel the endorphins rush/good sensations after a sport session, I can't feel the effect of most drugs (coffee, nicotine, alcohol, heroin, you name it…). My body is always in a state of tension (or light akathisia) thus I never ever fully relax, no matter how hard I worked or did exercise that day, I have persistent insomnia and my sleep is more like a shift in consciousness than real deep resting sleep. I'm always weak and tired. Except for some rare bursts of rage or sadness, I lost my emotional range, I can't really feel emotional pain, true sadness, joy, happiness, tranquility. There's no atmosphere anymore in the world, everything became grey, muted. There's no motivation, no drive, no emotions, no pleasure in every activity I once loved, like spending time with my friends and family, go out for a drink, cuddling my beloved dog, playing my favourite sports, watching my favourite movies, reading a good book, getting a full body massage, hiking in the beautiful swiss alps, etc. (the list has no end). On top of that I also suffer from a certain degree of cognitive decline, I struggle to read, sometimes I stumble upon words, I can't concentrate, I really feel like I lost part of my intelligence and I'm definitely not as brilliant as I used to be. I had to quit University 6 months prior to get my master's degree because my brain was not capable to perform at the required level.
It's been a year I'm off the meds which caused me pssd and everything almost stayed the same. Some things have slightly improved, others got worse. What is clear is that I became an empty shell, the shadow of my former self, a dead soul in a living body.
I really want to live because I had everything I wished for before I got PSSD (and believe me, I worked very hard and I overcame loads of shit just to get to that point), but at the same time I want to die as badly as I can. In these last months, where I had a bit more physical energy I tried to do regular exercise, to be socially more active, to better my diet, to force my self to have a more positive look at the future. But still, no matter the efforts, there's never some sort of reward or real improvements in my condition. I've been severely anxious and depressed in the past, but that was a walk in the park compared to this full blown PSSD. Today, in the first place, my brain does not produce the required neurotransmitters in order to be goal driven, to have motivation, to enjoy things. Second of all, even if I put all my effort in order to be active and take part in different activities, there's not even a single drop of reward in return.
So what's the point of going on? I really can't get it. I don't know if you, reading this post, can grasp how hard and strenuous and depressing is to live with this condition, but I really hope you do.
I always fought hard in my life, no matter what, if I had to overcome an obstacle or if I wanted something, I always worked twice as harder as the others in order to reach my goal. But now… now even if I put all my effort, even if I give my 1000% to better my situation, the outcome will always be the same, no positive change, outcome or temporary feeling whatsoever.
As most people with PSSD I've been gaslighted by every psychiatrists. I even attempted to unalive myself once and I've been labelled as psychotic (even though I clearly wasn't) in a matter of minutes from the psychiatrist at the state mental hospital. There I was given tons of antipsychotics to the point I was barely able to talk, walk straight, keep my vision from going double, swallow food, tap on the iPhone keyboard, writing, sit still, etc.
Anyway the bad story is not over, I could go on recalling all the shit and the injustices I had to face in the last twelve months, because of pssd and because of being wrongly labelled as psychotic and forced on strong medications, but that's not the point of my thread.
Actually, I don't know what's the purpose of this post. I guess I'm looking for some sort of approval for my decision of ending it all… but most likely I just need to vent, to tell somebody how tired and agonizing I am.
I believe in reincarnation and I've been thought that ctb is never a solution, but gosh, that's just too much to tolerate. I look at my situation as if I was prisoner who's physically tortured daily since one year and who finally managed to fabricate a rope to hang himself in his cell, how could God blame (or punish) this poor prisoner for taking his own life?
I'm sorry for the lack of introduction or conclusion to this text, I hope it's not confusing. The thing is that I'm just venting, putting my flow of sad thoughts into words.
I wish everybody here to recover and go back to live their life to the fullest leaving suicidal ideations as a thing of the past, but just one last thing: please be careful when it comes to psychiatric drugs, think twice before starting any therapy, look up all the possible (short and long term) side effects, discuss it seriously with your entourage and make a true informed choice. Don't risk to waste your life as I sadly did.
Antidepressants and other psych drugs damaged my brain and put me in a position I wouldn't wish not even to my worst enemy.
My sexuality has been obliterated: total loss of libido, erectile dysfunction, reduced sensitivity in genitalia, pleasureless orgasms. Sadly that's just the tip of the iceberg. The main problem here is that my body cannot produce any kind of pleasurable feeling because of the malfunctioning of the brain reward system. I know it seems like it can't be real, but trust me, I can't really enjoy not even a single thing in my life because my reward/dopamine pathaway has been somehow altered. I can't feel hungry or enjoy a (good) meal, I can't feel the endorphins rush/good sensations after a sport session, I can't feel the effect of most drugs (coffee, nicotine, alcohol, heroin, you name it…). My body is always in a state of tension (or light akathisia) thus I never ever fully relax, no matter how hard I worked or did exercise that day, I have persistent insomnia and my sleep is more like a shift in consciousness than real deep resting sleep. I'm always weak and tired. Except for some rare bursts of rage or sadness, I lost my emotional range, I can't really feel emotional pain, true sadness, joy, happiness, tranquility. There's no atmosphere anymore in the world, everything became grey, muted. There's no motivation, no drive, no emotions, no pleasure in every activity I once loved, like spending time with my friends and family, go out for a drink, cuddling my beloved dog, playing my favourite sports, watching my favourite movies, reading a good book, getting a full body massage, hiking in the beautiful swiss alps, etc. (the list has no end). On top of that I also suffer from a certain degree of cognitive decline, I struggle to read, sometimes I stumble upon words, I can't concentrate, I really feel like I lost part of my intelligence and I'm definitely not as brilliant as I used to be. I had to quit University 6 months prior to get my master's degree because my brain was not capable to perform at the required level.
It's been a year I'm off the meds which caused me pssd and everything almost stayed the same. Some things have slightly improved, others got worse. What is clear is that I became an empty shell, the shadow of my former self, a dead soul in a living body.
I really want to live because I had everything I wished for before I got PSSD (and believe me, I worked very hard and I overcame loads of shit just to get to that point), but at the same time I want to die as badly as I can. In these last months, where I had a bit more physical energy I tried to do regular exercise, to be socially more active, to better my diet, to force my self to have a more positive look at the future. But still, no matter the efforts, there's never some sort of reward or real improvements in my condition. I've been severely anxious and depressed in the past, but that was a walk in the park compared to this full blown PSSD. Today, in the first place, my brain does not produce the required neurotransmitters in order to be goal driven, to have motivation, to enjoy things. Second of all, even if I put all my effort in order to be active and take part in different activities, there's not even a single drop of reward in return.
So what's the point of going on? I really can't get it. I don't know if you, reading this post, can grasp how hard and strenuous and depressing is to live with this condition, but I really hope you do.
I always fought hard in my life, no matter what, if I had to overcome an obstacle or if I wanted something, I always worked twice as harder as the others in order to reach my goal. But now… now even if I put all my effort, even if I give my 1000% to better my situation, the outcome will always be the same, no positive change, outcome or temporary feeling whatsoever.
As most people with PSSD I've been gaslighted by every psychiatrists. I even attempted to unalive myself once and I've been labelled as psychotic (even though I clearly wasn't) in a matter of minutes from the psychiatrist at the state mental hospital. There I was given tons of antipsychotics to the point I was barely able to talk, walk straight, keep my vision from going double, swallow food, tap on the iPhone keyboard, writing, sit still, etc.
Anyway the bad story is not over, I could go on recalling all the shit and the injustices I had to face in the last twelve months, because of pssd and because of being wrongly labelled as psychotic and forced on strong medications, but that's not the point of my thread.
Actually, I don't know what's the purpose of this post. I guess I'm looking for some sort of approval for my decision of ending it all… but most likely I just need to vent, to tell somebody how tired and agonizing I am.
I believe in reincarnation and I've been thought that ctb is never a solution, but gosh, that's just too much to tolerate. I look at my situation as if I was prisoner who's physically tortured daily since one year and who finally managed to fabricate a rope to hang himself in his cell, how could God blame (or punish) this poor prisoner for taking his own life?
I'm sorry for the lack of introduction or conclusion to this text, I hope it's not confusing. The thing is that I'm just venting, putting my flow of sad thoughts into words.
I wish everybody here to recover and go back to live their life to the fullest leaving suicidal ideations as a thing of the past, but just one last thing: please be careful when it comes to psychiatric drugs, think twice before starting any therapy, look up all the possible (short and long term) side effects, discuss it seriously with your entourage and make a true informed choice. Don't risk to waste your life as I sadly did.
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