you cant find me
youre not going in circles, its a downward spiral
- Nov 21, 2021
- 27
wanted therapy. couldn't get it because I was in the wrong state. waited months to move back to my home state. tried to find a therapist. sent emails. no response. called numbers. no response or "I'm not accepting new clients" even though they say they are online. finally one responds but passes me off to another random therapist. waited to see therapist. this whole process took weeks because I rarely have the motivation to do anything above the bare minimum. but finally i would see a therapist, right?
therapist asks the basic questions ("what is your family like, do you have trauma") then says I have OCD because I made the mistake of using the word "obsession". I KNOW I don't have OCD. But if you try to argue it just looks like you're in denial. Therapist says wait two weeks for next appointment. Says get a psych evaluation.
I've wanted a psych eval for the better part of a year. I thought I would get a huge packet of obscure questions to find uncommon symptoms, get interviewed extensively, get my parents interviewed, maybe get a brain scan, I don't know. Instead I got a five minute online questionnaire that any fuck who googles "depression test" and "ocd test" could find. And more basic questions. "What is your family like, do you have trauma". Fucking pathetic. A complete waste of my time. Any Psych 101 student could have done what this "professional" did.
I suspect I may have some form of inattentive ADHD but of course the five minute questionnaire lumped inattentive ADHD in with hyperactive ADHD so the score was only mild/moderate. Which should still have been enough to garner further questioning, but of course it didn't, she had already made up her mind about me.
The OCD questions were vague and I answered them according to my "obsessions" even though I know they don't line up with actual OCD. Even then I got a MILD score. Of course the psych took that and ran with it and tried to convince me to immediately go on medication for OCD and depression. I've already tried medication and I know it just makes me complacent and even more apathetic without actually solving anything. Of course when I tried to express this she acted like I was an idiot in denial. Said I would "think about it" just so I could leave.
Saw therapist again (paying full price for telehealth services of course) and she ALSO spent 30 minutes straight trying to tell me to go on medication. Literally said something like "If you want to spend your life crying and doing nothing then it's your choice, you don't have to go on medication". Tried to explain again and got treated like an idiot again. Again I said I would "think about it" just so I could spend what little time I had left on an actual topic. She then spent the other 30 minutes telling me that the solution to me not being able to go through with anything is to....just do it. Try harder. Tried to explain that I already knew to "try harder" and had been trying it for 10 years with zero success. Then she said maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time in therapy if I don't want to change.
This is my third attempt at "getting help" and it's going how I should have expected it to go. Every "professional" is a quack who knows nothing except "take this pill and cry about your shitty parents". I suspect if I even mentioned my possible DPDR symptoms they wouldn't even know what it is. How can people scream and cry over "tiktok misinfo" and "self diagnosis bad" when the "professionals" are even worse????? If someone doesn't perfectly fit the mold of the most basic form of a mental disorder then it completely stumps these people.
I don't want to continue living like this. I don't want to take medication and be reduced to a bedridden airhead like I was when I was put on Prozac (from another five-minute questionnaire, surprise surprise!!!!!!!!!!) Is my only other option to just CTB? Luckily I already ordered my SN and it finally arrived last week but I don't think I have the balls to actually use it. So I'm just stuck forever.
therapist asks the basic questions ("what is your family like, do you have trauma") then says I have OCD because I made the mistake of using the word "obsession". I KNOW I don't have OCD. But if you try to argue it just looks like you're in denial. Therapist says wait two weeks for next appointment. Says get a psych evaluation.
I've wanted a psych eval for the better part of a year. I thought I would get a huge packet of obscure questions to find uncommon symptoms, get interviewed extensively, get my parents interviewed, maybe get a brain scan, I don't know. Instead I got a five minute online questionnaire that any fuck who googles "depression test" and "ocd test" could find. And more basic questions. "What is your family like, do you have trauma". Fucking pathetic. A complete waste of my time. Any Psych 101 student could have done what this "professional" did.
I suspect I may have some form of inattentive ADHD but of course the five minute questionnaire lumped inattentive ADHD in with hyperactive ADHD so the score was only mild/moderate. Which should still have been enough to garner further questioning, but of course it didn't, she had already made up her mind about me.
The OCD questions were vague and I answered them according to my "obsessions" even though I know they don't line up with actual OCD. Even then I got a MILD score. Of course the psych took that and ran with it and tried to convince me to immediately go on medication for OCD and depression. I've already tried medication and I know it just makes me complacent and even more apathetic without actually solving anything. Of course when I tried to express this she acted like I was an idiot in denial. Said I would "think about it" just so I could leave.
Saw therapist again (paying full price for telehealth services of course) and she ALSO spent 30 minutes straight trying to tell me to go on medication. Literally said something like "If you want to spend your life crying and doing nothing then it's your choice, you don't have to go on medication". Tried to explain again and got treated like an idiot again. Again I said I would "think about it" just so I could spend what little time I had left on an actual topic. She then spent the other 30 minutes telling me that the solution to me not being able to go through with anything is to....just do it. Try harder. Tried to explain that I already knew to "try harder" and had been trying it for 10 years with zero success. Then she said maybe I shouldn't be wasting my time in therapy if I don't want to change.
This is my third attempt at "getting help" and it's going how I should have expected it to go. Every "professional" is a quack who knows nothing except "take this pill and cry about your shitty parents". I suspect if I even mentioned my possible DPDR symptoms they wouldn't even know what it is. How can people scream and cry over "tiktok misinfo" and "self diagnosis bad" when the "professionals" are even worse????? If someone doesn't perfectly fit the mold of the most basic form of a mental disorder then it completely stumps these people.
I don't want to continue living like this. I don't want to take medication and be reduced to a bedridden airhead like I was when I was put on Prozac (from another five-minute questionnaire, surprise surprise!!!!!!!!!!) Is my only other option to just CTB? Luckily I already ordered my SN and it finally arrived last week but I don't think I have the balls to actually use it. So I'm just stuck forever.