meowzers3276
Member
- Mar 28, 2026
- 42
just a random ramble i suppose, i prob wont have the best grammar because i had a long day and im also on a benzo. um but basically today i recieved one possible method and was able to open it and store it secretly (unlike before...) and i also recieved well, the benzodiazepines im using in my protocol. the method that arrived today is not very reliable and is also possibly painful, but i am willing to try it if things go left before dsl sorts out. well today i finally bought real, high grade sn, so now i'm going to wait and prepare myself for my end until it arrives. but the person who led me to dsl has passed today. it is making me process the fact it will be me some day, but i hope that they are at peace. i also feel guilt for taking "advantage" of someone who is now dead, but i suppose a lot of people on this site will end up that way regardless of if i interacted with them or not. i'm starting to seriously consider protocols to take prior to my death, and its like my mind is starting to finally separate from this world in preparation for the end. i dont think there is anything after death. so i'm just thinking about the fact that no, i cant see how anyone reacts, theres nothing after, absolutely nothing. that's exactly what i crave, i fear an after-life experience of any sort. if my first method works the way i'd like, or if the sn comes, there is no going back. it's the end. i've attempted before, and felt like i was gonna die, but all of those were impulsive. this is my first time really putting leg work into how i want to go, because i am seriously ready & not just having a 'moment'. i hope to write birthday cards for my 5 year old sister for every birthday. i tried too also to tell some of my loved ones i was feeling suicidal, around when i first started seriously researching and investing in methods. they tried to help but it just didnt move me at all, so i am pretty sure that it is my time soon. i'm 19 years old, my birthday is in october, maybe this is tmi for a forum, but i'm going to not be alive for my next birthday. so i'm also reminiscing on all of these holidays, memories, anniversaries, birthdays... the ones i've had so carelessly are going to be my last. they were happy memories though, compared to the entire rest of my life. i feel like the greatest thing i can do in life for myself & others is not to get rich, or bear children, or to go for any career or passion, but to die. i haven't felt passion or interest in anything for a while. my only interests are the internet, watching shows sometimes, sleeping, and doing drugs. i am geniunely too slow and too unmotivated to do anything that requires inner spirit. it's been beaten out of me. i tried! but i'm done now, and it's weird. i feel like telling everyone "i'm gonna die soon." at every instance, but obviously i cannot say that. so i'll tell you guys... i'm gonna die soon!
