Problematic Identity

[meetapple]

Basically I have not been good enough at following social conventions throughout my life. By that I mean that I tried to do my own thing when I should have been following the pack. People react suspiciously towards whatever I do.

For example, I walked my sister's dog yesterday. While doing so I had the option of trying to be proactively safe by keeping my head up and eyes forward so I could monitor traffic or just keeping my head down and look at people or vehicles only when it would be impossible to not do so. It was almost like I couldn't do the former because people could see my hesitancy and that I had to prove it (like a mathematical proof) to the point that everyone else would be satisfied.

These negative reactions have been internalized to the point where it is obvious to others that I am uncomfortable. This causes people to watch me wherever I go. I have tried to change my identity by creating positive interactions with others in which people are not suspicious with me. I have not been successful as I always do something that causes someone to be suspicious or negative towards me.

Right now I live with my parents in a closed subdivision with a lot of privacy. However, when my parents pass away I will have to move in an apartment. I think there is a zero percent chance of survival in an apartment where I would be much more exposed to the world if I had to move today.

How and is it possible to change my identity so I think of myself not as someone who can't follow social conventions but someone that people don't have to worry about?

 

[timf]

Trying to blend in is sometimes called masking. It can be draining, but it can also be useful in navigating brief expeditions through the land of the normal. It might be helpful to view it as theater. If you view yourself as playing the part of a dog walker, you may find more confidence.

 

[Manaaja]

I think I understand what you mean. I have a big problem where I'm walking my dog, I think "I want to turn back, I need to pee" but then I notice there's another person behind me and I'm all "Shit, what will that member of Homo Sapiens humanoid ape think if I turn back?!" and I'll automatically continue walking forward. And it's so automatic, I wish I could get rid of it.

Fuck social conventions. Humans aren't the masters of anything. As long as someone isn't being harmful or annoying, they shouldn't give two fucks whether someone dresses like a clown and jumps on a jumpstick.

And every time I see another person while walking I suddenly feel my hat getting tighter, my skin itching, it's like my senses get a million times stronger when I meet someone.

You don't have to change your identity. Be unique. As long as you're a good person, it doesn't matter what others think of you. Humans are a piece of flesh and bone. A bit of literal diarrhea mixed in. They are not that great.

You sound a lot like me when I was younger. Especially the math thing and overthinking.

But then I started to gradually realize that those great, intelligent humans where somewhere else than before my eyes. I had overhyped the humans in this world. I was really intelligent but I thought "if I'm intelligent, but others don't like me, humans must be even more intelligent!", I had a really great sense of self-consciousness, but I thought "all humans must be even more self-conscious", I was good at languages but I thought all humans are great at languages. I was great at many things and yet I was bullied and belittled everywhere so I thought "Wow, if I'm really great at many things and I have asperger, then people without asperger must be ten times greater than me!".

The place where you live sounds shitty, because in this country people never pay attention to me regardless of what I do or feel. I wish everyone could walk without being stared. Sometimes I have cried and had meltdowns on streets and no one have cared.

Uniqueness is greatness. Please be yourself, there are already too many who are carbon copies of each other. Embrace your uniqueness. I say this as someone who spent about 25 years trying to be like others, until I realized that it should be others who should be more like me. I have never bullied anyone, I have never made fun of anyone's weight or appearance, I care about the minorities, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I'm intelligent, I learn quickly, I do my own research, I'm an empath, I want to help everybody, I really dislike lying and I'm prone to tell the truth even when I should just shut up, I have a strong sense of justice. In a way, I'm much more of a society's view of an ideal human than most people. And I'm sure you are too.

If possible, go take an official asperger test, and if you succeed, try to get disability money.

You sound really gentle. I hope all goes well for you. I hope you're able to stop caring about what other people think. I know it's hard, I still fall victim to it too and often, but really, most people will forget about you and what you said and did really soon. Most people who have a family, significant other, job, kids, debts, etc. won't have time, energy or interest to think about you for long.

You don't have to care about what others think. I hope all goes well for you!

 

[clown_17]

Listening to music or just having earbuds makes any walk way better. No one will think you're awkward cause they know you're just listening to music and they won't expect you to look a certain way or do a thing

 

[meetapple]

You don't have to change your identity. Be unique. As long as you're a good person, it doesn't matter what others think of you.

The problem is that if I receive negative attention I tend to internalize it. My self image gets wound up into this feeling of social incompetence or even aggression. I go in public situations and display my identity and people watch me more closely sometimes blatantly. I think if I had more self esteem I would act like I have a right to go through these situations without being bothered as this is my right. It seems like I am making a concession that people can look at me and this somehow absolves me. This is quite ingrained. Do you think this is related to self esteem and if so would reading a self esteem book help?

 

[AtMostOkay]

Trying to blend in is sometimes called masking. It can be draining, but it can also be useful in navigating brief expeditions through the land of the normal. It might be helpful to view it as theater. If you view yourself as playing the part of a dog walker, you may find more confidence.

Yes, I've played many a character, for reasons ranging from literal survival to passing the day. All of life is a stage.