Hello. I am most likely going to CTB this week. I am so done
I have struggled off and on with depression most of my life. I had horrible anxiety in college and started using weed and alcohol to cope. I am fairly charismatic and intelligent so I have been able to hold down some pretty decent jobs for the last 10 years. I am 31 now.
In 2022 I started dating the love of my life and she moved in with me shortly afterwards. Things were going great but unfortunately I was laid off from my job. Things began to spiral from there. I got a couple jobs in the meantime but they didn't work out. Fast forward to this past may and I'm working in the dining hall at the local university. It's very stressful, but I am just trying to get some money together to support us so that we can move out of the state when are lease is up.
I was neglecting my gf for a bit and she decided to pack up and leave me while I was at work one evening. It has been the most traumatic experience of my life. I have tried everything to get her back, so now she thinks I am fully crazy and has blocked me.
I cannot/do not want to live without her. Every morning I wake up, realize this is my life now, and then want to die immediately. Every day feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel like one day I'll wake up next to her and everything will be ok again. But that's not happening. As I said, she has blocked me so I can't speak to her at all. A mutual friend is currently trying to figure out if there is any hope of reconciliation in the future. I think that if she says no to that then I will go through with CTB. Hopefully I'll have an answer this week.
I know it is weak and pathetic to want to CTB over one person, but this truly was the love of my life. She is the most important thing to me, and I screwed it all up with pot, alcohol, and taking her completely for granted. She hates me now. It's a horrible situation to be in. Again, it feels like a nightmare I am stuck in.
Wish me luck
I have struggled off and on with depression most of my life. I had horrible anxiety in college and started using weed and alcohol to cope. I am fairly charismatic and intelligent so I have been able to hold down some pretty decent jobs for the last 10 years. I am 31 now.
In 2022 I started dating the love of my life and she moved in with me shortly afterwards. Things were going great but unfortunately I was laid off from my job. Things began to spiral from there. I got a couple jobs in the meantime but they didn't work out. Fast forward to this past may and I'm working in the dining hall at the local university. It's very stressful, but I am just trying to get some money together to support us so that we can move out of the state when are lease is up.
I was neglecting my gf for a bit and she decided to pack up and leave me while I was at work one evening. It has been the most traumatic experience of my life. I have tried everything to get her back, so now she thinks I am fully crazy and has blocked me.
I cannot/do not want to live without her. Every morning I wake up, realize this is my life now, and then want to die immediately. Every day feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I feel like one day I'll wake up next to her and everything will be ok again. But that's not happening. As I said, she has blocked me so I can't speak to her at all. A mutual friend is currently trying to figure out if there is any hope of reconciliation in the future. I think that if she says no to that then I will go through with CTB. Hopefully I'll have an answer this week.
I know it is weak and pathetic to want to CTB over one person, but this truly was the love of my life. She is the most important thing to me, and I screwed it all up with pot, alcohol, and taking her completely for granted. She hates me now. It's a horrible situation to be in. Again, it feels like a nightmare I am stuck in.
Wish me luck
