Probably going to prison - need a reason to live

[ChristopherWalken]

I'm seriously flip-flopping whether to ctb on a daily basis. I have all my affairs in order, multiple peaceful methods at the ready, and videos ready to be sent out to my loved ones. Somebody gave me a fragment of hope though, and I started working out thinking maybe I can actually survive prison.
I had a great life, reliable job, a family, and a business. Now all that is lost, half my family has shunned me, but I do have some very good friends and family supporting the heck out of me. But if I ctb soon my life insurance will pay out to these people, if I wait, it will expire soon. They would still get what's in my 401k though.
Thinking about prison, when I was in jail for a few days I was in complete shock. Couldn't get warm, felt like a cornered animal. I am not cut out for jail, a nerd who doesn't know how to fight, and enjoys freedom. Came out with PTSD I think that is still around.
My career was in healthcare, and there's no freaking way they're going to let me still do that job with a conviction on my record when I get out. I was really good at it too. I'm facing 10-15 years, lawyer said maybe I could get out in 5 on good behaviour. I'm in my late 40s currently.
Believe it or not I'm actually a very good person, but we all make mistakes. I like to help people, listen to their problems, and try to help them any way I can, my best friend said that's actually why my life is a disaster because bad people are attracted to givers and get me mixed up in their bs and that's actually exactly what happened. I think I can still be a positive force in the universe though. My only hope is that I can get strong enough to survive prison, learn something new in there, and come out with a career or business idea option. But it's hard to get into shape very fast at this age.
But I'm so hella-depressed rn. I know a lot of others have it much, much worse but that only makes me feel more guilty. Like I had my shot and I blew it and I need to move aside. I'm gonna be in mid-50-s at best, 60's maybe even when I get out. I'm going to be old and probably have to do probation which some say is worse than jail.

 

[jgm63]

Maybe start "thinking outside the box".
Will take time, but might lead somewhere good....

Some possible ideas to get the creative thought processes flowing :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-doesnt-my-mum-believe-me.31930/post-589991

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

I am curious what gets you a 10-15 year sentence if you're not violent. In which case few people will want to help you. Somebody's has had their life ruined at your hand to get that time.
I will say, anyone considering suicide to get their life insurance to pay out for their family, check the clause, I don't understand it myself but I know if you die by your own hand it effects it.

 

[jgm63]

I am curious what gets you a 10-15 year sentence if you're not violent. In which case few people will want to help you. Somebody's has had their life ruined at your hand to get that time

Well they hinted at it in their post :
"bad people are attracted to givers and get me mixed up in their bs and that's actually exactly what happened"

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Well they hinted at it in their post :
"bad people are attracted to givers and get me mixed up in their bs and that's actually exactly what happened"

It's very serious bs to get a sentence like that. I just don't like the idea someone's life's been ruined and we don't know who we'd be advising just because someone says they're good it doesn't mean they are, and blaming others first is usually assign of guilt. But he could be genuine hence I'm leaving this thread now. Cheers.

 

[WhiteDespair]

I am curious what gets you a 10-15 year sentence if you're not violent. In which case few people will want to help you. Somebody's has had their life ruined at your hand to get that time.
I will say, anyone considering suicide to get their life insurance to pay out for their family, check the clause, I don't understand it myself but I know if you die by your own hand it effects it.

I got a life insurance payout from my mom's CtB

 

[a.n.kirillov]

It's very serious bs to get a sentence like that. I just don't like the idea someone's life's been ruined and we don't know who we'd be advising just because someone says they're good it doesn't mean they are, and blaming others first is usually assign of guilt. But he could be genuine hence I'm leaving this thread now. Cheers.

You don't have to be violent lol. Tax evasion is punished worse than murdering people sometimes.
.
I understand that I could never go to prison. Too vulnerable as a person. I would love the time to read in there but that's about all. Would rather kill myself than facing the prospect of 15 years in there as well. Five years? Meh it's not like you get out and everything's fine and dandy.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I'm seriously flip-flopping whether to ctb on a daily basis. I have all my affairs in order, multiple peaceful methods at the ready, and videos ready to be sent out to my loved ones. Somebody gave me a fragment of hope though, and I started working out thinking maybe I can actually survive prison.
I had a great life, reliable job, a family, and a business. Now all that is lost, half my family has shunned me, but I do have some very good friends and family supporting the heck out of me. But if I ctb soon my life insurance will pay out to these people, if I wait, it will expire soon. They would still get what's in my 401k though.
Thinking about prison, when I was in jail for a few days I was in complete shock. Couldn't get warm, felt like a cornered animal. I am not cut out for jail, a nerd who doesn't know how to fight, and enjoys freedom. Came out with PTSD I think that is still around.
My career was in healthcare, and there's no freaking way they're going to let me still do that job with a conviction on my record when I get out. I was really good at it too. I'm facing 10-15 years, lawyer said maybe I could get out in 5 on good behaviour. I'm in my late 40s currently.
Believe it or not I'm actually a very good person, but we all make mistakes. I like to help people, listen to their problems, and try to help them any way I can, my best friend said that's actually why my life is a disaster because bad people are attracted to givers and get me mixed up in their bs and that's actually exactly what happened. I think I can still be a positive force in the universe though. My only hope is that I can get strong enough to survive prison, learn something new in there, and come out with a career or business idea option. But it's hard to get into shape very fast at this age.
But I'm so hella-depressed rn. I know a lot of others have it much, much worse but that only makes me feel more guilty. Like I had my shot and I blew it and I need to move aside. I'm gonna be in mid-50-s at best, 60's maybe even when I get out. I'm going to be old and probably have to do probation which some say is worse than jail.

Hey honey..R we talking federal or state prison?

 

[ManWithNoName]

Dude, what did you do that is potentially getting yourself thrown in jail for 10-15 years? This is, after all, an anonymous forum.

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

What have you done to warrant such a sentencing?

 

[Makko]

I know an American man who's been to prison. He was suspected of a double murder (acquitted for this) but he was so angry about how the court and police treated him during the investigation and the proceeding that he had an outburst during the main hearing and instead got sentected for contempt of court.

His retold experience of prison was that is was full of normal people that were generally less scary than the people one meets outside of prison.

Then again, this might depend on the prison and what part of the prison they put you in.

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

You don't have to be violent lol. Tax evasion is punished worse than murdering people sometimes.
.
I understand that I could never go to prison. Too vulnerable as a person. I would love the time to read in there but that's about all. Would rather kill myself than facing the prospect of 15 years in there as well. Five years? Meh it's not like you get out and everything's fine and dandy.

If I was even arrested I would probably kill myself, I have a fear of cops and prisons, jails.

 

[ManWithNoName]

If I was even arrested I would probably kill myself, I have a fear of cops and prisons, jails.

I hear you. These days just getting pulled over for a traffic violation can be scary. One does not know if the police officer is a proper peace officer, or some sadistic asshole with a badge who is looking to put a bullet through you.

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

I hear you. These days just getting pulled over for a traffic violation can be scary. One does not know if the police officer is a proper peace officer, or some sadistic asshole with a badge who is looking to put a bullet through you.

It is very scary, cause then if you die you'll be seen as a terrible person or if you live and are sent to prison you'll be beaten by them and then your life ruined anyways.

 

[ManWithNoName]

It is very scary, cause then if you die you'll be seen as a terrible person or if you live and are sent to prison you'll be beaten by them and then your life ruined anyways.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I recall as well the Brailsford shooting incident in Mesa AZ (USA) where a cop gunned down an innocent unarmed man execution style in 2017:

Body cam video shows Arizona cop shooting Daniel Shaver in 2016 | Daily Mail Online

Body cam video shows Mesa Police Officer Philip Brailsford shooting and killing Daniel Shaver in an Arizona La Quinta Inn hallway in 2016.

www.dailymail.co.uk

 

[Tkmiz_Tsukumizu]

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I recall as well the Brailsford shooting incident in Mesa AZ (USA) where a cop gunned down an innocent unarmed man execution style in 2017:

Body cam video shows Arizona cop shooting Daniel Shaver in 2016 | Daily Mail Online

Body cam video shows Mesa Police Officer Philip Brailsford shooting and killing Daniel Shaver in an Arizona La Quinta Inn hallway in 2016.

www.dailymail.co.uk

To this day, it made me absolutely distrust and hate most police. Although you cannot judge an individual officer blankly like that but it makes me fearful of them.... Especially being so weak as I am

 

[wait.what]

You can actually get long prison sentences in the US for really stupid shit if it's connected to drugs in some way. At one point I was looking at the possibility of 10 years in prison for illegally buying/possessing darvocet pills. The largest amount of time came from the possession charge, which was determined by the weight of the pills. Darvocet is actually a compound drug with the active ingredients of propoxyphene (was a schedule IV before it was banned), and acetaminophen, aka paracetamol (unscheduled). There's also a lot of fillers and other things in there. A darvocet pill contains 50 or 100 mg of propoxyphene, depending on the dosage, but since sorting out drug ingredients is a pain in the ass, the entire pill was considered schedule IV. So I got charged for possessing 5 g (or whatever it was—big pills) of a schedule IV substance for each pill, even though properly speaking one pill only contained 100 mg of propoxyphene. I don't remember how many pills I got caught with. I was planning on offing myself with them, so it was a lot. Anyway, the combined weight of them was enough to put me into the category of statutes aimed at drug dealers. I think there was originally some kind of "intent to deliver" charge in there as well. (Yes, officer. I intend to deliver these. STRAIGHT INTO MAH BELLEH.)

Anyway ... my family paid for a good lawyer, so I got like a year or two of probation. But basically do not underestimate the stupidity of the US court system, especially when it comes to drugs. We didn't end up with 20% of the entire world's prisoner population by being rocket surgeons.

OP—I obviously can't tell you whether you'll find your future life to be worth living. Conditions vary a lot between prisons. Your lawyer might be able to tell you what he thinks your chances are of going to a minimum vs. medium security prison. I don't think it's usual for people to start out in maximum security. From talking to people who've been in prison, I can tell you that life is generally better there if you take every opportunity to do stuff outside your cell, even if it's just a job where you get 11 cents an hour or whatever it is. A tiny bit of money is better than none, and you'll be less bored and depressed. Go to every self-improvement program you're eligible for. Make friends if you can. If you have a skill of some kind, offer to use it to help out other inmates. This will both help you hang onto your sense of worth as a person, and (hopefully) encourage other prisoners to be nicer to you. People generally like a guy who helps others, even in prison.

Prison rules of etiquette can be kind of complicated, but most of them boil down to treating other inmates with respect. These are people who have basically nothing, and the whole prison system is designed to treat them as much like absolute shit as the law allows (plus a little more, just for funzies). If someone thinks you're disrespecting him, he may see you as threatening the tiny bit of will to live he has, and he may lose his goddamn mind. So ... don't do that. Also, I hate to say it, but if you ever wanted to learn how to fight, now's the time. Lots of people in prison are just ordinary guys who made bad decisions and/or had really horrible luck. But some are total assholes. (I know!! Assholes?? In prison??) You're going to need to be able to defend yourself if you have to.

I'm sure there's other stuff, but that's what I recall hearing. I'm one of the lucky ones that never went in (yet). If you feel you need more information, you could check out one of the many places online where recovering addicts and alcoholics hang out. My totally unscientific estimate is that about a third of people with an addiction to alcohol have spent time behind bars, and it's probably two thirds for people with illegal drug addictions. Good luck, friend.

 

[gus.nixon]

I had a pretty spotless record, also worked in health & human services. Then in 2018 was convicted of a violent felony after biting someone while high on PCP. Spent time in jail, got out with the felony and 3 years probation. Just completed 2 years and appealed to a judge and he let me terminate early. Now I'm in the process of getting it expunged. You may look into this avenue. All is not lost if this is your only concern. PM me if you want to talk about it.