Venting probably an unpopular opinion about the site...

[cloudgazer25]

I feel like a lot of commenters are pro-lifers and instead of being respectful on a good-bye thread, they leave comments saying "its not too late to change your mind" and other pro-life things to that affect. now im not saying that we all cheer on someones ctb but i feel for the most part, those of us who post our stories, who post vents understand how hurtful those types of comments can be. if im venting about something I dont want to hear "hey it gets better."

just to clarify, im not asking for or condoning people to comment "kys" on goodbye threads, im more so annoyed about the fact that i just read like 4 goodbye threads and most of the early comments came off as pro-life and trying to get the person to change their mind.

sorry if this doesnt make sense my brains a bit all over the place right now

 

[Soulless_Angel]

A lot of us write these things, as we do not wish to be seen encouraging one's path to CTB, with so much negative press in regards to this site, I think its understandable many are careful in their replies to these threads. You never know whos on here, and many don't want to be ripped into for posting what would be seen as supportive to us, but encouraging by those who are true pro lifers, So we tend to stay on safe ground and ensure people whom are writing those threads are in the right place, and ensure they know what they are doing.
It doesn't mean this site is full of pro lifers (though I am sure there are some!) it just means we are caring, and understand people have a choice, and we are just making sure that the support given is seen in a positive light and not one of instant, go on then then kill ya self...! which it is,
it's so hard to get the right words out

Im on the rum so mer, if this makes no sense then, whatevers!

 

[KleinerWolf]

A lot of us write these things, as we do not wish to be seen encouraging one's path to CTB, with so much negative press in regards to this site, I think its understandable many are careful in their replies to these threads. You never know whos on here, and many don't want to be ripped into for posting what would be seen as supportive to us, but encouraging by those who are true pro lifers, So we tend to stay on safe ground and ensure people whom are writing those threads are in the right place, and ensure they know what they are doing.
It doesn't mean this site is full of pro lifers (though I am sure there are some!) it just means we are caring, and understand people have a choice, and we are just making sure that the support given is seen in a positive light and not one of instant, go on then then kill ya self...! which it is,
it's so hard to get the right words out
/QUOTE]

Could not have expressed it better than you have.

It sucks seeing people go. Despite knowing how much torment they must had to endure.

I feel like every time I see a thread regarding goodbyes, it truly breaks my heart and part of me dies with them.
I'm sure they will be at a better place.
We can only wish them peace.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I've struggled with my own feelings about this since joining the site, and I hear and acknowledge your frustration and concern.

I've often questioned myself about this based on these observations, such as: Would I even want to write a goodbye thread? Would I want to deal with comments that may distract from my purpose? What results would I want for myself if I were to post such a thread?

I decided that the only thing within my control, after the decision to post a goodbye thread, is to clearly say something like: "Please respect that this is my firm and final decision. Any comments saying I can change my mind, no matter how kindly intended, will be an unwelcome distraction. I am also aware that if I do not achieve the outcome I seek, I will be welcomed back, and to remind me of that at this time will also distract me from the goal I am focused on. Thank you for understanding."

In my pondering, I've come to recognize and accept that some folks are unbothered and in fact are comforted by the comments that trouble you and me. I've learned from watching these threads that I have to make space for people having different responses and needs from my own. So the conclusion I've come to is that it's the individual's responsibility to make it clear if they do not welcome such comments. If they're not capable of working that out in advance, or speaking up for themselves about it, I have compassion for that, but I can't preemptively protect them or even know if it's something they want protection from. If they don't want or value such comments, I think it's ultimately something they have to own and no one else can own it for them, any more than someone can make the decision for them to end their own lives, or how to do so, or when. That's how I've been able to find my own balance with this issue.

 

[Remember to forget]

Everyone on here has their own way of expressing how they feel about someone leaving. Just because people on here want to die doesn't mean they don't feel sorrow. Some people are friends, or have helped them through difficult times, maybe just maybe these people have said the same thing to them in their darkest moments.
How many people don't go through with it and thank them for their kind words? Quite a few from what I have read. Some of these threads are a cry for help, how many people just want to fill that void and help out. I think you have simplified a very complicated subject.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I wouldn't say we are prolifers, but we develop friendship, connections etc with people here and its very normal to say these things to those we care about. Also, I personally don't want someone to act impulsively and do something they regret, so I want to be sure that person is sure. While it's not my place to do this, it is in my nature.

 

[Epsilon0]

Of all the threads in this forum, I find goodbye threads to be the most difficult.

I suspect users who reply to these threads want to say something nice and show the OP some kindness in their final hours, and that's why their messages may sometimes sound like prolife bs.

Personally, I never find the right thing to say to a complete stranger who is about to ctb. I don't feel "worthy" enough to put in writing words that might be among the last things that person reads before closing their eyes forever. It is a huge responsability and one I cannot take upon myself.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'll say whatever I want if I think it offers support, gives the opportunity to rethink whilst at the same time respects a members choice. TBH it's a fine line to walk and I'm not surprised some responses can feel clunky, it's an awkward situation.
The idea of 'pro-life' or 'pro-choice' comments is laughably unhelpful to my mind. Life and the ending of life are complex and attitudes don't seem to me to be reducible to such simplistically opposed terms.

 

[Broken Chimera]

When I say it's not too late to change your mind, I'm saying that if they don't go through with it, I won't put them down for it and they'll have more time to know if that's what they really want. I'm pro choice but to me that shows that I care. But it's hard to show that in a message, probably one of the last messages that person will see without it just looking like a copy/paste "I wish you peace" message.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

If I wrote a goodbye post, I'd welcome even the cut/paste replies. It's awkward and that's fine. Any response shows some compassion and sometimes that's all that counts. Not so much what is said, but that anything is said at all, especially if one feels awkward. I struggle with those threads too.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Alot of eloquently worded responses that sum it up. I think some people also just push themselves to CTB so much so that they feel like they can't back out. It's good to be reminded that you can back away at anytime.

 

[cloudgazer25]

I really appreciate and value all the responses to this. I want to clarify, I don't want to negate the fact that someone saying "its not too late to change your mind" has most likely helped someone and help them change their mind. My main issue is more-so in a good-bye thread, when the OP is continuously updating how they are feeling or what they are doing as they are ctb, I personally would find it immensely unhelpful and a smidge disrespectful if someone came to my post and said that, again thats just for if I had posted a goodbye thread. I in no way know what other posters think or feel in those moments. On good-bye threads, since im new and not around too often I kinda feel out of place on the site sometimes and so when I see a new good-bye thread, I add a hope for peacefulness, and yeah it feels lackluster but I didnt bond with the person so I totally understand that those who do use the phrase "its not too late" more than likely know and have a connection to the OP.

 

[I’mDone]

I'm not pro-life, but I write things of that nature to A) express compassion and B) to reassure people that it genuinely is OK to change their mind.

I think ctb is the scariest and bravest thing anyone can do. To overcome survival instinct, the most fundamental and atavistic drive in any living being, is seriously hard. By saying it's OK to change their mind, I'm telling them that they won't be judged, that I understand.

After my failed ctb attempt I spent months hating myself even more and beating myself up for being such a loser that I even failed at that.

I'm hoping that the person reading comments would feel that. I certainly do not wish to disrespect their decision and I try to comment accordingly.

 

[Living sucks]

Honestly... most everyone doesn't WANT to die, they want the pain to stop. Sometimes it's extremely impulsive which can be a mistake. It's human nature to try to ask people if they are really sure or just need an outlet to talk. A lot of times it's the latter.
A prime example of this just happened with a person who seemed extremely talented and gifted and trying to raise awareness to mental health and suicide but had an external situation (that I and others believed was very sensitive but overcomeable with time) that caused him to react impulsively and ctb before having time to digest the situstion.. If he waited a week, maybe things would have worked out, maybe not, but many tried to get him to wait. This isn't pro life, this is pro-you're acting irrationally and its not a good idea. He succeeded in his ctb.
I also sometimes ponder, when I see a member talk a person out of ctb and the next day that same member that told someone life is worth living is posting their ctb or ctb method. That baffles me a bit.

 

[Donk]

if the op sounds impulsive then i would ask them to reconsider. not to stop them from ctb but rather prevent them from failing and end up being in a vegatable state. i think everyone should have their ctb method planned out as to avoid further pain due to careless execution on their part.

 

[Despondent]

Some times the decision isn't rational

 

[Life sucks]

Goodbye topics has a problem because some members will feel sad because of losing a forum friend but their friend is suffering. I lost many friends here and I don't know what to say. One of the reasons why life is shit is how everything ends and you feel worse and suffer with time because of the many losses until the end of your life.

If you mean generally, there are prolifer trolls, similar to how every forum has trolling, this one isn't immune. Try to avoid them as much as possible.

 

[Pryras]

If someone isn't impulsive they're going to CTB regardless of what someone says. I see where you're coming from but it could go both ways. Someone might feel obligated to go through with it and embarrassed of backing out if they feel that everyone gave their final "goodbyes" and there are no options left.

Offering a listening ear and welcoming arms in the case they don't go through with it is hardly pro-life. I would say A LOT of users are more impulsive then the would like to admit. Not speaking for everyone but many of the early teens and all that are having an extremely hard time coping with trauma would be an example of that.

 

[enjolras]

No definite stance. It depends on the OP
If nothing meaningful is said with a will to transmit an heritage message, but mostly technical, it can make me feel uneasy. It feels like I'm invited in a bedroom with an audience congratulating the scene. I don't really understand the gathering but I'm not one celebrating birthdays and other social events. By default, I don't always get the intent, neither the replies following. To me this is a personal moment. I wouldn't have a goodbye thread if I was not open to be reached out in whatever direction (unless limits are specified). If the decision is clear, that's not something I'll share, except in advance. For this reason, I usually don't participate ...to be respectful. I only do if I suspect there could be a breach in the logic, like the OP appearing emotive, to check if not under a form of constraint. I might have appeared pro-life in the OldGod thread but I stand for it. There are situations that are unacceptable. Opposite stances can both showcase care, depending on the expression, so I don't want to choose one, glued to it. In that sense, I may be more pro-situation, evaluating on a case by case basis.

 

[SpareWheel]

Having read a few goodbye/ctb threads now, it's hard to watch someone else going. Me, I'm fine with that, I know my story - being new though I don't know everyone elses and the empathic trait in me thinks they might be making a mistake. I'll not say that though, I don't know what Hell someone else is going through. I know if a personal friend told me though, I'd likely do all I could to help them unless I knew categorically their problems weren't solvable. I've had 4 friends commit suicide, 2 of them I still believe were hugely hasty and they didn't need to go. I think 1 was just a cry for help gone wrong - or right, depending on your viewpoint. The other 1 was massively drunk and it was done after a huge argument, remove either of those two and I'm sure he'd still be alive now.

I guess it's OK to hate yourself or your own life, it's only human to feel some empathy for others. I guess once that's gone we're already dead anyway.

 

[Mr2005]

I feel like a lot of commenters are pro-lifers and instead of being respectful on a good-bye thread, they leave comments saying "its not too late to change your mind" and other pro-life things to that affect. now im not saying that we all cheer on someones ctb but i feel for the most part, those of us who post our stories, who post vents understand how hurtful those types of comments can be. if im venting about something I dont want to hear "hey it gets better."

just to clarify, im not asking for or condoning people to comment "kys" on goodbye threads, im more so annoyed about the fact that i just read like 4 goodbye threads and most of the early comments came off as pro-life and trying to get the person to change their mind.

sorry if this doesnt make sense my brains a bit all over the place right now

Not unpopular at all. The place has much bigger issues than that though

 

[RileyTanaka]

I guess I'll share an equally unpopular opinion in response. I believe that the vast majority of users here will not kill themselves because coming to the decision to end your life is extraordinarily difficult and takes a lot of will, certainty, and ongoing suffering that cannot be curtailed. And quite frankly, with such a serious decision, it should be difficult. This is someone's life, after all - and though we are only reading their typed text on a screen, we are missing out on a lot of information about their journey.

I admit I've posted one response to a user here asking her to take careful pause before doing so because it's my personal opinion that one should go through every route possible to recovery before reaching the rational decision to end one's life. I perfectly understand how grating it is to be met with "Please reconsider" type of messages when you're in what are supposed to be your last moments. The last thing you want is anyone to plant seeds of doubt in your mind when you're about to end it. But when decisions are impulsive, involve risky methods with a low success rate, or there's a danger of being caught, to say only "good luck" in response seems a bit barbaric - if not somewhat careless. It all depends on what you think your responsibility is as a user reading someone's goodbye thread.

But like a user above said, unless you ask others to decline inflicting their personal values and reactions onto your decision, people are going to respond in rather human ways. They will feel sad because they perceive that person's life to be valuable, despite missing out on the full context of their suffering. They will be curious and ask questions. They will pass judgment (whether they're aware of it or not). And posting replies of mild discouragement really doesn't take away that person's right to their choice, ultimately. I always tell people no one can take their choice in the end.

tl;dr: It's possible to be pro-choice and still tell someone they might want to think it over one more time. These things are not mutually exclusive. Also, people will be people - even on a suicide site. That's not necessarily a bad thing.