Pride

[Rocky M]

I don't know what it is, but I feel some kind of masochistic pride knowing I will be dead soon. The people I've wronged to whom I owe everything, the abuse I've been through, the lessons I still need to teach… I could go on listing my reasons for hours. My death will make others happy, and knowing that as I prepare to go gives me a resolve.

Is this a reasonable feeling to have? Has anyone else ever felt like this?

 

[BurningLights]

I think I'm covering up all the pain and hurt insidee by concentrating on the way I'm going (night night method while on DMT)
Ive made myself believe that this is what the universe wants from me, that this is all what its been working up to.
I've almost started thinking that I shall be forever lost in another world, transported there by the DMT , and left there by killing the body.
It's like some kind of fucked up great awakening delusion.
Bit its what's keeping me going,
I had a moment last night where after a good weekend with my daughter, I got back home and nearly broke.
I started to think what the hell am I doing? I cant fucking do this!
Bit I battled with my thoughts, and kept reminded myself of the peace I shall be forever in.
I've cone across some weird fucking places on DMT, some places or wouldn't wanna be stuck forever, its scary, and I started thinking that I'm such a piece of shit for what om doing that I deserve to stay in these fucked up places.
I'm fucking delusional, I know that, but it's what's keeping me going, I am dropped in my tracks by the usual thoughts you get, the guilt and all other associated feelings, but they soon disappear.

If it's allowing you to complete your task without too much emotional hang up. Then don't question it. It will make your passing a lot easier.

The pain and guilt I see in others, who are so scared for the people around them, I so feel for them, but I also can't relate too much, as Im not thinking that way.

Anyway, sorry for the mini essay. Its something I feel I needed to admit, and your post sparked that fire.

 

[worldexploder]

I don't think it's reasonable or unreasonable. Everybody deals with these types of situations in different ways.

 

[ddutch]

I had a moment last night where after a good weekend with my daughter, I got back home and nearly broke.
I started to think what the hell am I doing? I cant fucking do this!
Bit I battled with my thoughts quote

If you have a daughter think about it more carefully. She can be traumatized and also get depressed. If you habe tought like that like you say i would think more before doing this.

 

[muretax]

I've been suicidal for years and have felt indifferent towards the idea of ending it all but since I decided that I'm being serious and I'm going through with it, I honestly have been rather happy over it. Every other time when I thought about ending it, I would go the next few days depressed as all hell, getting upset that I won't hear my favorite song anymore, or watch the sunset, or eat my favorite food and visit some old friends. This time it's different. I feel lighter, happier, thankful and excited. Not gonna lie, it kind of scares me but it's the first time I felt free in ages and I haven't even gone through with it yet.

If that's not a sign, then I don't know what is.

 

[ddutch]

I've been suicidal for years and have felt indifferent towards the idea of ending it all but since I decided that I'm being serious and I'm going through with it, I honestly have been rather happy over it. Every other time when I thought about ending it, I would go the next few days depressed as all hell, getting upset that I won't hear my favorite song anymore, or watch the sunset, or eat my favorite food and visit some old friends. This time it's different. I feel lighter, happier, thankful and excited. Not gonna lie, it kind of scares me but it's the first time I felt free in ages and I haven't even gone through with it yet.

If that's not a sign, then I don't know what is.

I got the same feeling with it.
Its more like i am in peace with going early it has been enough. I have done all i wanted even i am 36 and also tried everything to recover from things. It have been a long road did not give me the results the psychologist and other profesionales hoped to be. So i am good with going.

At the doctor now waiting for a short meeting about the euthanasia procedure i have applied for. See what news she for me because she knows i have also my own planning as backup.

 

[Orin]

My death will make others happy, ......
Is this a reasonable feeling to have? Has anyone else ever felt like this?

You know what, i kinda feel the same way too (that my death will make certain people happy).

Not because they have anything personal against me, but because they have a grudge against my parents. As i discussed in a previous post, both my parents are assholes. They bully their peers, co-workers, underlings, etc. My mom even made fun of her suicidal nephew for being suicidal.

I'm not that superstitious but i feel like my family has been cursed multiple times and i'm being made to pay for my parents's sins, lol.

It's like my death will fulfill a karma that has long since been overdue.

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

For my part, I just have to go. Things are getting exponentially worse by the day. I don't see much chance if any of ever getting anything even approaching a normal life.

 

[Soul]

Is there anything that could help?
Withdrawing from a toxic scenario for a few days can relieve tension and the crap flying around can settle down. Can you spend a couple of nights with a friend or something? (((Hugs)))

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

Nowhere to go. No friends. No family who can or will help. I start a job tomorrow in theory and have to be well-prepared for that, act as if nothing happened. That's my one chance, slim as it is, at having even a snowball's chance in the Malebolge at living. Failing that I'm going to end up in the psych ward with no health care and no insurance and no money, and God alone knows what will become of me then.

 

[not_a_robot]

I don't know what it is, but I feel some kind of masochistic pride knowing I will be dead soon. The people I've wronged to whom I owe everything, the abuse I've been through, the lessons I still need to teach… I could go on listing my reasons for hours. My death will make others happy, and knowing that as I prepare to go gives me a resolve.

Is this a reasonable feeling to have? Has anyone else ever felt like this?

It's reasonable to feel proud if you genuinely feel your death will benefit others, of course.
I have opposite problem, my death will thrill many many people who abused me, so I'm delaying as long as I can.

Nowhere to go. No friends. No family who can or will help. I start a job tomorrow in theory and have to be well-prepared for that, act as if nothing happened. That's my one chance, slim as it is, at having even a snowball's chance in the Malebolge at living. Failing that I'm going to end up in the psych ward with no health care and no insurance and no money, and God alone knows what will become of me then.

I love your username, I'm obsessed with Saturn's rain-moon.

 

[KnightOfEnceladus]

I was going to be "Sailor Enceladus" actually, but thought the better of it for some reason.