pretty sure this means i've given up

[justfloating]

The reason I haven't yet CTB is because I've been waiting to talk to someone and then I can choose if I want my life anymore. I've been waiting so long and thinking how if it goes well I will no longer feel the need to CTB

So this person has finally agreed to talk to me this Thursday. The thing is, part of me wants the conversation to go badly so that it gives me the courage to actually CTB. If the conversation goes well its never going to make me as happy as I once was, and I don't just want a future of the pain I feel now because I cant stand it. I feel like I might subconsciously push him even further away so he hurts me and the urges come back.

If I end up not being able to follow through with CTB after pushing him away, then I'm gonna have to live with even more pain than I would if I had been warm to him.

Anyway my point is, I feel like I'm in a state where im fed up of waiting and trying to be happy that I want things to go bad so I can CTB

 

[Spinoza]

I hope you are aware that the reasons you give are not valid at all... Putting your life in the hands of a conversation with someone is not valid at all. It's just my opinion. I hope you reflect.

 

[justfloating]

I hope you are aware that the reasons you give are not valid at all... Putting your life in the hands of a conversation with someone is not valid at all. It's just my opinion. I hope you reflect.

I didn't explain myself. i've been suicidal for long enough to no longer see and hope due to a few different reasons. it's situational. I know that I want to die because im just so fed up of the world. the person who im meeting isn't going to have any idea about the way im feeling because it would be wrong to put them in that position, but they are one of the reasons pushing me to CTB. they are my last hope though, and if they cant help me feel better then nothing is going to, and if im going to feel this way forever then what is the point of 'pushing through'

 

[Onlyborrowedtime]

I hope you are aware that the reasons you give are not valid at all... Putting your life in the hands of a conversation with someone is not valid at all. It's just my opinion. I hope you reflect.

I agree with this 10000x over.

OP if a conversation with one person (presumably it's romance related) is the reason you CTB you should really take some time to look deeper into this. To be honest if you're looking for a reason to be "forced" to CTB your probably not ready to CTB. It sounds like you just want an excuse to be impulsive.

Wanting to CTB is something that comes innately from inside you. Have you tried any kind of recovery? Or talking to a therapist as to why you're pinning all your hopes on one person?

Killing yourself over a conversation seems pretty wack to me

 

[justfloating]

I agree with this 10000x over.

OP if a conversation with one person (presumably it's romance related) is the reason you CTB you should really take some time to look deeper into this. To be honest if you're looking for a reason to be "forced" to CTB your probably not ready to CTB. It sounds like you just want an excuse to be impulsive.

Wanting to CTB is something that comes innately from inside you. Have you tried any kind of recovery? Or talking to a therapist as to why you're pinning all your hopes on one person?

Killing yourself over a conversation seems pretty wack to me

I am in counselling, I have seen countless doctors, and I've had two attempts. I'm not going to kill myself over a conversation, if I do it it will be because I see that there is not future I can be happy in. The only reason I haven't had my third attempt yet is because I am need to be sure of my decision because I don't want it to be impulsive, and this conversation will show me if there is a future I can be happy in. I have tried everything to be able to be how I once was and if this cant help me then nothing will.

 

[Onlyborrowedtime]

I am in counselling, I have seen countless doctors, and I've had two attempts. I'm not going to kill myself over a conversation, if I do it it will be because I see that there is not future I can be happy in. The only reason I haven't had my third attempt yet is because I am need to be sure of my decision because I don't want it to be impulsive, and this conversation will show me if there is a future I can be happy in. I have tried everything to be able to be how I once was and if this cant help me then nothing will.

Only you can know your situation, but it really seems like the suicide is based over this one person presumably liking your or not liking you. If your future happyness is based on someone else's feeling for you then I dunno what to say. It is very likely that given time you will find someone else who you have feelings for and then get back into a similar loop. Pinning your hopes on one person is similar to those people who say "if you dump me I'll kill myself".

It sounds like you're just looking for a human connection which is something fixable. IMO you definitely have a chance at recovery, but only you can decide that. But someone not loving you back shouldn't be your deciding factor

 

[justfloating]

Only you can know your situation, but it really seems like the suicide is based over this one person presumably liking your or not liking you. If your future happyness

I do absolutely love this person but even when I had him in my life I was still suicidal because there are more factors than just him. To be honest I feel he's probably better off without me, which is kinda my initial point. I thought that having him in my life again would fix everything but I've now realised that it isn't going to. When I see him I think I'm just going to try and get the closure I need, and maybe I will have to push him further away to get the courage. Suicide is scary even if you know its the right choice and overcoming SI is hard, I need that final push.

 

[Onlyborrowedtime]

I do absolutely love this person but even when I had him in my life I was still suicidal because there are more factors than just him. To be honest I feel he's probably better off without me, which is kinda my initial point. I thought that having him in my life again would fix everything but I've now realised that it isn't going to. When I see him I think I'm just going to try and get the closure I need, and maybe I will have to push him further away to get the courage. Suicide is scary even if you know its the right choice and overcoming SI is hard, I need that final push.

That's my point though. I feel like if you're searching for "that final push" you probably have a chance at recovery. No one can ever live like they once did, time moves on and you have to adapt.

The thing is what if he doesn't give you the push you need? Are you then going to spend your time searching for another push? I'm not denying you sound like you are in a crisis and need all the help and support you can find. You could funnel this time and energy into recovery.

It's a bit like chasing a drug high. If you can't get what you want from it do you keep going? At what point do you realise all you're doing is chasing a push that will never come.