BlackRoseBaran
Кукушка
- Jul 8, 2023
- 18
Introduction
I will be writing several thoughts that had been filling my head lately as I make my final preparations for you know what. I'm uncomfortable using the inside terms here so I will only vaguely reference it.
my family is overly religious and I am from the middle east, the land where civilisations die, as someone struggled with gender identity. I say struggled because I realize that one does not have to keep taking the crap thrown at them all the time or live with the constant fear of one day being murdered or tortured by my own blood and flesh.
The Great Pretend
I have barely told anyone about the reason for my depression but people caught on to the fact that I was depressed, especially my family, I have suffered since the age of 15 when I discovered that I had societally unaceptable sexual allignment, I was homosexual in a country that viewed me as a danger for simply being. I was sent to the Children and Teenager Psychiatrist to receive treatment for my suicidal tendencies, I simply did not desire to live in the inescapable prison and they decided on my behalf that I was wrong. My family's reaction to me being sent there was not a concern that I was suffering but rather what others would think of them if they found out I was medicated and took therapies. Obviously the most logical option they decided was to ban me from going there and from going outside! Truly that must have been the grandest of ideas! Their treatment for what they perceived as a problem went on like this.
"Killing yourself is a sin!"
Your god tortures someone and expects them to just take it?
"There is so much to live for! Hope for!"
No, there really isn't anything
"We love you and we would be sad about you dying!"
I am sad enough to do **that** but none of you will be as sad as that, the total amount of sadness in the world will be reduced. You only ever pretended to love.
"It will get better!"
I am 23 years old and there has not been a day that I thought to myself, "yep, shit just became good!" better, maybe, sometimes things were better than the other days but better does not mean good. Most of you may think that I am too young to consider it will always be like this but I am too exhausted. I'm trapped here, unemployed and nothing is ever going good. You cannot guarantee me things will ever get better from here. I believe whomever tries to convince someone thinks will or may get better is an entitled individual. I'm not going to play these games with the cogs of life that toys with my existence.
"This is how life is, get stronger and keep going."
No, I will not. I never signed any agreement to accept this sort of treatment, I don't have to play this stupid game by its rules.
"There are people who have it much worse than you!"
So I should feel ashamed to suffer? This is the same faulty argument parents used to use to convince you to eat more of your food. "There are starving kids in Africa!" Will me eating your food more fill their bellies? No? Then what is the point of telling me that. I know there are people with far worse lives than I do, I'm not an ignorant idiot. Schadenfreude much? Am I supposed to be happy about this fact? If anything I just feel worse to know there are such horrible atrocities in this existence. What do you expect to happen by telling me there are people suffering? What about it, are you the moral referee that decides the threshold of suffering enough to justify **that**?
The Professional Pretend
Of course, the people who play this stupid game of pretending to care because they cannot accept the fact they, themselves , are making the wrong decision to live or think that everyone has it as well as they do in life are not just the common people. People will try to lock you up, try to meditate you, try to stop you from doing what you know because they see themselves as the moral authority to what to do with my own existence. The medicine only treats the chemical symptoms, the therapies try to convince you the turd you are eating is a fine steak dinner and none of it actually aims to solve the reason why an individual would ever be pushed to the point of plotting their own death.
It is all a pretend. And I am sick of it.
I will be writing several thoughts that had been filling my head lately as I make my final preparations for you know what. I'm uncomfortable using the inside terms here so I will only vaguely reference it.
my family is overly religious and I am from the middle east, the land where civilisations die, as someone struggled with gender identity. I say struggled because I realize that one does not have to keep taking the crap thrown at them all the time or live with the constant fear of one day being murdered or tortured by my own blood and flesh.
The Great Pretend
I have barely told anyone about the reason for my depression but people caught on to the fact that I was depressed, especially my family, I have suffered since the age of 15 when I discovered that I had societally unaceptable sexual allignment, I was homosexual in a country that viewed me as a danger for simply being. I was sent to the Children and Teenager Psychiatrist to receive treatment for my suicidal tendencies, I simply did not desire to live in the inescapable prison and they decided on my behalf that I was wrong. My family's reaction to me being sent there was not a concern that I was suffering but rather what others would think of them if they found out I was medicated and took therapies. Obviously the most logical option they decided was to ban me from going there and from going outside! Truly that must have been the grandest of ideas! Their treatment for what they perceived as a problem went on like this.
"Killing yourself is a sin!"
Your god tortures someone and expects them to just take it?
"There is so much to live for! Hope for!"
No, there really isn't anything
"We love you and we would be sad about you dying!"
I am sad enough to do **that** but none of you will be as sad as that, the total amount of sadness in the world will be reduced. You only ever pretended to love.
"It will get better!"
I am 23 years old and there has not been a day that I thought to myself, "yep, shit just became good!" better, maybe, sometimes things were better than the other days but better does not mean good. Most of you may think that I am too young to consider it will always be like this but I am too exhausted. I'm trapped here, unemployed and nothing is ever going good. You cannot guarantee me things will ever get better from here. I believe whomever tries to convince someone thinks will or may get better is an entitled individual. I'm not going to play these games with the cogs of life that toys with my existence.
"This is how life is, get stronger and keep going."
No, I will not. I never signed any agreement to accept this sort of treatment, I don't have to play this stupid game by its rules.
"There are people who have it much worse than you!"
So I should feel ashamed to suffer? This is the same faulty argument parents used to use to convince you to eat more of your food. "There are starving kids in Africa!" Will me eating your food more fill their bellies? No? Then what is the point of telling me that. I know there are people with far worse lives than I do, I'm not an ignorant idiot. Schadenfreude much? Am I supposed to be happy about this fact? If anything I just feel worse to know there are such horrible atrocities in this existence. What do you expect to happen by telling me there are people suffering? What about it, are you the moral referee that decides the threshold of suffering enough to justify **that**?
The Professional Pretend
Of course, the people who play this stupid game of pretending to care because they cannot accept the fact they, themselves , are making the wrong decision to live or think that everyone has it as well as they do in life are not just the common people. People will try to lock you up, try to meditate you, try to stop you from doing what you know because they see themselves as the moral authority to what to do with my own existence. The medicine only treats the chemical symptoms, the therapies try to convince you the turd you are eating is a fine steak dinner and none of it actually aims to solve the reason why an individual would ever be pushed to the point of plotting their own death.
It is all a pretend. And I am sick of it.
