Pretending Everything is Okay

[A_Breath_Away]

Y'know what the biggest slap in the face is? Not only am I suicidal but I have to pretend to be fine.
Like I wanna throw myself off a cliff but I gotta be okay and try to function in society.
Gotta walk on eggshells
I can't let my family know that I've been attempting otherwise they'll call the police.
I get threatened daily with hospitalization which just traumatizes me more.
Like I'm being punished for wanting out of this hell.

Life is a cruel, sick joke. I swear.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i hate having to pretend to be fine

 

[A_Breath_Away]

i hate having to pretend to be fine

It's fucking awful. It makes me hate life even more. I can't even read a book or watch TV to distract myself.

I'm losing interest in everything. Because I know how transitory it is.

What's the point of finishing a game when my life is falling apart and I know I'll be dead soon.
It's not like I can take it with me when I go or do anything with the knowledge.
And I know that I HAVE to die. It's just not an option anymore. I owe too much money.
My physical issues have become overwhelming and I know they're going to get worse.
I just can't seem to function around others. Like I'm broken or something.

These are things which no amount of medicine or therapy are going to be able to fix.
Like I wonder if Hemingway and Plath knew that it was the end. Like they knew how meaningless life had become.
I'm wondering if they'd approached a similar plateau of apathy.

 

[Seneca65AD]

I completely agree...most of us have to maintain the facade otherwise we get hosptialized, stigmatized and even ostracized. And the irony of the entire situation? The process of "getting help" is what can drive most people over the edge - literally. If my suicidal ideations are ever reported to the authoriites, I probably lose my firm, my career, and even my dignity. Just the thought causes me to seriously consider CTB.

I guess the above is another reason why I should have pursued help for my mental health issues when I was younger. Now, I am too old to do anything other than therapy and personal "mental health days".

 

[A_Breath_Away]

I completely agree...most of us have to maintain the facade otherwise we get hosptialized, stigmatized and even ostracized. And the irony of the entire situation? The process of "getting help" is what can drive most people over the edge - literally. If my suicidal ideations are ever reported to the authoriites, I probably lose my firm, my career, and even my dignity. Just the thought causes me to seriously consider CTB.

I guess the above is another reason why I should have pursued help for my mental health issues when I was younger. Now, I am too old to do anything other than therapy and personal "mental health days".

Hospitalization is the biggest thing for me. I refuse to be hospitalized. I will fight a cop before I let them put me back in the funny farm.

But seriously, I would love to have a job atm because at least it would take my mind off it. And it would give me financial stability. Trying to CTB is surprisingly expensive if you're not willing to hang or jump.

 

[badatparties]

Gotta pretend you're okay, or the sharks will smell blood and circle. Sick planet, sick world, won't make excuses for it.