Preparing to CTB

[aloneintheworld]

I haven't left my apartment in over a week or talked to anyone in a long time as I've been wanting to CTB. I feel like I am getting stuck on mentally preparing to CTB though as I have every opportunity to I've been alone in my apartment for nearly 2 weeks with no one even knocking on my door or asking how I am or if I need help going to the store or getting groceries or my meds. Which I haven't been able to since my car broke down. Anyways I am wanting to CTB and got close last week but fell asleep before I could mix my SN glasses left the sn open too for a few hours so hopefully there isn't an issue with the potency. Anyways I am having trouble just going through with it and mentally preparing I wonder if this is happening to anyone else.. I want to die the pain of living and the isolation and rejection of my mom and my illness is too unbearable to keep going I just haven't been able to make it stop at the same time

 

[TheLastGoodbye]

That's horrible. I'm sorry you're going through all that. I'm sure there's a lot of people here who would be happy to talk to you. Feel free to msg me anytime.

 

[aloneintheworld]

That's horrible. I'm sorry you're going through all that. I'm sure there's a lot of people here who would be happy to talk to you. Feel free to msg me anytime.

Thank you for your kindness I will message you. And I also want to say in case it wasn't clear I've talked to people a little over message but no one in person or on the phone if that makes sense that's what I meant when I haven't talked to anyone like I physically haven't. Although it doesn't help that I've turned my phone off so I cannot be reached thought it would be easier to prepare to CTB that way

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hello Love. I understand all too well the pain of loneliness and desperation. It hurts my heart to hear that u r going thru this. I an available to talk if u need to. Sending love n peace to u. Reach out

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry people around you are so selfish and absent minded. If you've already ctb I hope your journey brings peace. If you're still with us I'm here if you want to talk.

 

[aloneintheworld]

I'm still here struggling I want to ctb and have a method and what I need I just can't mentally do it I wish my circumstances in the world were different. But it's been weeks of me wanting to CTB and things not getting better and the people in my world not caring since they don't actually care about me. I don't matter to them. I am just so scared of things going wrong with CTB or the unknown I can't mentally do it but I know it needs to be done to end my suffering

 

[Quarky00]

My situation is similar, though not exactly the same I did not delay ctb but the day is coming (everything ready), though I might delay it. I came to terms with ctb long ago so I feel ready and calm, but it's still confusing when you start doing it.. bit sad, bit happy.

Really relates to that of course (and many other things you wrote, mom, illness etc):

I've been alone in my apartment for nearly 2 weeks with no one even knocking on my door or asking how I am or if I need help going to the store or getting groceries or my meds. Which I haven't been able to

It's really tough.

Your SN should be fine, and there is nothing wrong in delaying ctb a bit (sleeping is a rare commodity:). I understand that intense pain, and the need to find peace asap. Maybe you could write (to yourself or to us) what goes through your head, what makes you mentally prepared or not, what are you worried about, have you come to terms with ctb, does it feel alright, do you see any other options, etc
(I'm not asking you questions... just suggesting some directions to think about... feel free to do as you please)

 

[Lostandfound7]

I'm still here struggling I want to ctb and have a method and what I need I just can't mentally do it I wish my circumstances in the world were different. But it's been weeks of me wanting to CTB and things not getting better and the people in my world not caring since they don't actually care about me. I don't matter to them. I am just so scared of things going wrong with CTB or the unknown I can't mentally do it but I know it needs to be done to end my suffering

For what it's worth, u r no longer alone..we r so here for u..

 

[mathieu]

Sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope you find peace one way or another

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

My instinct is to say that if you're struggling that much, it's not time.

Your SN should be fine, and it will continue to be there for you. Have you been eating? Taking basic care of yourself?

I often lament over the low number of people who would actually miss me when I'm gone. It depresses the hell out of me. But for me, it makes me push off my date since I can't stomach the thought of that funeral of 3 people.

Anyway, we're here. Talk to us. Whatever you decide, you'll be supported here.

 

[TheLastGoodbye]

Thank you for your kindness I will message you. And I also want to say in case it wasn't clear I've talked to people a little over message but no one in person or on the phone if that makes sense that's what I meant when I haven't talked to anyone like I physically haven't. Although it doesn't help that I've turned my phone off so I cannot be reached thought it would be easier to prepare to CTB that way

I see

 

[AlreadyGone]

It does not sound like it is your time to go. When it is, there will be nothing holding you back.

 

[aloneintheworld]

My situation is similar, though not exactly the same I did not delay ctb but the day is coming (everything ready), though I might delay it. I came to terms with ctb long ago so I feel ready and calm, but it's still confusing when you start doing it.. bit sad, bit happy.

Really relates to that of course (and many other things you wrote, mom, illness etc):

It's really tough.

Your SN should be fine, and there is nothing wrong in delaying ctb a bit (sleeping is a rare commodity:). I understand that intense pain, and the need to find peace asap. Maybe you could write (to yourself or to us) what goes through your head, what makes you mentally prepared or not, what are you worried about, have you come to terms with ctb, does it feel alright, do you see any other options, etc
(I'm not asking you questions... just suggesting some directions to think about... feel free to do as you please)

Yes I just slept for 14 hours straight nearly. I've been almost just sleeping laying around for a month since my birthday last month on the 23rd that's when I bought my sn since then everything really fell apart the people who are supposed to help me to come with me to get my meds and groceries and go with me to my crps appointments haven't showed up for weeks. So I've just been laying in bed wanting to CTB but not having the guts.
I am overthinking everything like I'm too hungry to CTB right now I need to eat. Then it's what do I wear do I wash my sheets do I shower first wear do I lay do I write notes etc. also my phones been on airplane mode Facebook deactivated for days and no one has noticed either I have a feeling no one will notice I'm dead here either until the end of the month. Just overthinking everyrhing also scared about if I fail how to prepare so I don't and what actually will happen when I die.
I don't see options anymore as I self sabotaged laying in bed the past month the place where I was getting treatment for my crps is probably over it and wants treat someone who can show up at the clinic everyday which I stopped being able to because my careteam never showed up. If a miracle happened and my parents and family all of a sudden cared and one of them came to the state where they abondoned me to help then I'd live but other than that I want to die it's too painful to live

My instinct is to say that if you're struggling that much, it's not time.

Your SN should be fine, and it will continue to be there for you. Have you been eating? Taking basic care of yourself?

I often lament over the low number of people who would actually miss me when I'm gone. It depresses the hell out of me. But for me, it makes me push off my date since I can't stomach the thought of that funeral of 3 people.

Anyway, we're here. Talk to us. Whatever you decide, you'll be supported here.

I want to eat and take care of myself but its been a struggle I ran out of my medicine and I have no access to go to CVS to get more since my car broke down and I don't know a lot of people here and the people who are supposed to be coming haven't showed up since the first week of the month nearly 2 weeks. I am running out of essentials. I don't think my family would even bother to have one they don't love me they would just try to sweep it under the rug

Why do you say though that if I am struggling so much it's not my time?