I talked with my spouse. I told him that he wasn't allowed to come with me, even if he begs to. I told him that he should move away so he doesn't have to watch me anymore. We don't have a lot of money, so he is staying for 2 more months to get some extra savings under his belt and leaving. He has someone he can stay with for a while.
I'm still planning on huffing helium, probably just with an exit bag. I have a few back up methods now because of here(thank you!
) And now I feel more secure in the proper type of helium I need. It's all coming together now.
Thanks for everyone who replied to my other post. I wasn't in my right head, it's hard to think straight when you're desperate I guess.. but I know it was always wrong for him to come with me. A proper ctb is always done alone.
I'm fuckin terrified of failing again. I always fail at pretty much everything, but I'm making sure I'm prepared to the teeth this time. I got to admit, I'm even terrified to try it again, because failing scares me so much. As a middle schooler I had heard about all the kids hearts exploding from monster energy drinks, so my dumb @ss took a bottle of headache(with caffeine) pills and chugged as many energy drinks as I had, 3. I dealt with my heart ready to explode all night.. but then it slowed down eventually, and I just went to school the next day.
If I don't take a chance, how will I ever die? I'm scared that I'll send him anyway and still be too stuck to do it. It wont matter on his end, once he is gone, that's it. I'm not tormenting him anymore with my crazy head.
We talked about how I just feel all this crazy guilt, how I punish myself worse than anyone else does. He just asks me why my brain hates me so much. I don't know, it just does. I just truly regret everything since that failure to ctb. I should have hung myself and stop trying to take the pussy way out. Even now, I still feel like I should go hang myself in the closet. I could do a full hang out of there because I'm so short too. I won't do that to him, I won't let him see or find my body. Hopefully, this way, he won't know when I'm actually and truly dead.
I feel like shit. I hate myself for doing all of this to him, putting him thru all of this. I hate that I'm the POS who gets to rip the thing away from him, the thing he insists makes him so happy. It's already gone though. I've gotten so bad, especially in the last year. I'm sick of hurting everyone with my constant pity party.
Thru the 6 years we've been together, I've only gotten worse. I've seen doctor, after doctor. I've tried so hard to get better for him but nothing ever works. I just get sicker and sicker, and my body feels like it's shutting down. I lost so much weight, I'm pale and shaky all the time. I hate my body so much, I want it to get the F off of me.
I'm so tired of failing. I'm so tired of hurting everyone. I'm tired of being a lazy mooch. I just make up excuses after excuses. Well, not anymore. I'll finally be exactly where I deserve to be:: alone and on my way to the grave.
I'm still planning on huffing helium, probably just with an exit bag. I have a few back up methods now because of here(thank you!
) And now I feel more secure in the proper type of helium I need. It's all coming together now. Thanks for everyone who replied to my other post. I wasn't in my right head, it's hard to think straight when you're desperate I guess.. but I know it was always wrong for him to come with me. A proper ctb is always done alone.
I'm fuckin terrified of failing again. I always fail at pretty much everything, but I'm making sure I'm prepared to the teeth this time. I got to admit, I'm even terrified to try it again, because failing scares me so much. As a middle schooler I had heard about all the kids hearts exploding from monster energy drinks, so my dumb @ss took a bottle of headache(with caffeine) pills and chugged as many energy drinks as I had, 3. I dealt with my heart ready to explode all night.. but then it slowed down eventually, and I just went to school the next day.
If I don't take a chance, how will I ever die? I'm scared that I'll send him anyway and still be too stuck to do it. It wont matter on his end, once he is gone, that's it. I'm not tormenting him anymore with my crazy head.
We talked about how I just feel all this crazy guilt, how I punish myself worse than anyone else does. He just asks me why my brain hates me so much. I don't know, it just does. I just truly regret everything since that failure to ctb. I should have hung myself and stop trying to take the pussy way out. Even now, I still feel like I should go hang myself in the closet. I could do a full hang out of there because I'm so short too. I won't do that to him, I won't let him see or find my body. Hopefully, this way, he won't know when I'm actually and truly dead.
I feel like shit. I hate myself for doing all of this to him, putting him thru all of this. I hate that I'm the POS who gets to rip the thing away from him, the thing he insists makes him so happy. It's already gone though. I've gotten so bad, especially in the last year. I'm sick of hurting everyone with my constant pity party.
Thru the 6 years we've been together, I've only gotten worse. I've seen doctor, after doctor. I've tried so hard to get better for him but nothing ever works. I just get sicker and sicker, and my body feels like it's shutting down. I lost so much weight, I'm pale and shaky all the time. I hate my body so much, I want it to get the F off of me.
I'm so tired of failing. I'm so tired of hurting everyone. I'm tired of being a lazy mooch. I just make up excuses after excuses. Well, not anymore. I'll finally be exactly where I deserve to be:: alone and on my way to the grave.
