Predict my future based on the info I present, so I can know if I should ctb

[V0latile]

I was abused as a child by my psychotic mother. I've struggled with a host of mental issues ever since. I've seen many therapists and tried many meds. All of which haven't helped.

I developed GERD and am almost constantly coughing up mucus. Meds help very little. In order to go to sleep at night, I have to lay on my stomach or side and openly drool so my saliva doesn't go back down my throat while I sleep causing me to choke. It's so messy and gross. During the day, I let my saliva pool in my mouth because swallowing it just causes a coughing fit, so I try and avoid that.

I can't even meditate anymore because focusing on my breath causes me to cough. It did help with my anxiety a few years ago too. It seems like whenever I find a solution, life makes it go away.

I'm on disability and live in my room. I've lived like this for years.

Hoping for things to turn around seems more pathetic as the years go by. I'm a millennial.

 

[Time]

Hey, VOlatile. I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I'm glad you found us. Although it doesn't sound like a good way to go through life, there's no way I can in good conscience give you a "Yay" or "nay" on whether to ctb. And I don't think ANYONE else should. No harm in asking questions but we only get one life & that's a serious life changing, no-take-backs decision that I think that you & you alone have to make. But I will suggest you take a step back & try to get the clearest look possible @ your life & your options. I think that there are plenty of people & resources here that can help you get that clearer look @ things so that you can make an informed decision. Make sure you take a look at the other sections, discussions, threads, etc.

You're pretty young & maybe things can get better. I don't know. After 38+ years of being me I've finally come to realize that I'm making the right decision for me.

So, I sincerely hope that you take advantage of the resources available to you (here & elsewhere) to help you get what you're looking for.

Whichever path you choose, I'll support your decision.

 

[azucaramargo]

I was abused as a child by my psychotic mother. I've struggled with a host of mental issues ever since. I've seen many therapists and tried many meds. All of which haven't helped.

I developed GERD and am almost constantly coughing up mucus. Meds help very little. In order to go to sleep at night, I have to lay on my stomach or side and openly drool so my saliva doesn't go back down my throat while I sleep causing me to choke. It's so messy and gross. During the day, I let my saliva pool in my mouth because swallowing it just causes a coughing fit, so I try and avoid that.

I can't even meditate anymore because focusing on my breath causes me to cough. It did help with my anxiety a few years ago too. It seems like whenever I find a solution, life makes it go away.

I'm on disability and live in my room. I've lived like this for years.

Hoping for things to turn around seems more pathetic as the years go by. I'm a millennial.

@V0latile, I'm so sorry you endured such a difficult childhood. You have fought many battles to be where you are, and I am sorry you continue to suffer. I am also very sorry you have to deal with GI distress. From what I have heard it is hell, and drives many to depression, and even suicide.

I hope you have the pep to fight a bit more. GERD is a bi$ch, but it can be vastly improved or exacerbated. Seems like the first problem to tackle would be your GERD and your water brash. How and when was your GERD diagnosed? Do you have a good gastroenterologist? are you taking a proton-pump inhibitor (PPI)? That's important.

How often are you getting to the dentist? You need to probably amp up the number of your visits because of the saliva build up in your mouth. First and foremost, you must end any relationship you have with nicotine, tobacco, alcoholic beverages, soda pop, and night-time snacks; these will not get you where you want to go.

Instead of meditating you should probably be walking -- especially after meals.

Do you have a wedge pillow? Your head should be elevated when you sleep. Alkaline water is good.

Try slippery-elm herb (available in teas, chewing gum, lozenges, and oral supplements), and Mucinex (generic name - guaifenesin) for your water brash.

Ask for a referral for a nutritionist/dietitian from your gastroenterologist so you can make a plan to optimize your weight and figure out which foods are your best friends.

I too am annoyed by having to play such an active role in my recovery -- monitoring/controlling my diet, forcing myself to go outside and move, spending (no joke) 1/5 of my salary on oral hygiene. But, if you and I want to get better, we have to take responsibility for those mundane, tedious aspects of our physical health. We can get better, or we can get worse, or we can do nothing, and things'll get worse on their own.

You will have more control over your fate once you get a better handle on your GERD. Lots of SS members have helped me visualize and plan for a future when my own eyes were too foggy to look ahead. There is no shame in being on disability, and you needn't rely on it forever if you don't want. Be sure to take advantage of the help, though, and make doctors and therapists your allies.

Also, just because psych meds and therapy have not been miraculous thus far, you need mental-health specialists in your corner,, so you've got to keep hauling yourself to those appointments, too; be frank with them about your feelings of frustration, fatigue, and hopelessness and tell them when medication hasn't worked.

I'll end my rant with some advice I got from one of my heroes: a former sex worker and felon, who now has a life for which I would kill. She told me to just keep doing the next right thing. 9 days out of 10 I'm too agitated to remember this, but today it occurred to me, and I thought I'd pass it on to you. Just do the next right thing, Young'n.

During the day, I let my saliva pool in my mouth because swallowing it just causes a coughing fit, so I try and avoid that.

Why don't you spit instead?

 

[V0latile]

@V0latile, I'm so sorry you endured such a difficult childhood. You have fought many battles to be where you are, and I am sorry you continue to suffer. I am also very sorry you have to deal with GI distress. From what I have heard it is hell, and drives many to depression, and even suicide.

I hope you have the pep to fight a bit more. GERD is a bi$ch, but it can be vastly improved or exacerbated. Seems like the first problem to tackle would be your GERD and your water brash. How and when was your GERD diagnosed? Do you have a good gastroenterologist? are you taking a proton-pump inhibitor (PPI)? That's important.

How often are you getting to the dentist? You need to probably amp up the number of your visits because of the saliva build up in your mouth. First and foremost, you must end any relationship you have with nicotine, tobacco, alcoholic beverages, soda pop, and night-time snacks; these will not get you where you want to go.

Instead of meditating you should probably be walking -- especially after meals.

Do you have a wedge pillow? Your head should be elevated when you sleep. Alkaline water is good.

Try slippery-elm herb (available in teas, chewing gum, lozenges, and oral supplements), and Mucinex (generic name - guaifenesin) for your water brash.

Ask for a referral for a nutritionist/dietitian from your gastroenterologist so you can make a plan to optimize your weight and figure out which foods are your best friends.

I too am annoyed by having to play such an active role in my recovery -- monitoring/controlling my diet, forcing myself to go outside and move, spending (no joke) 1/5 of my salary on oral hygiene. But, if you and I want to get better, we have to take responsibility for those mundane, tedious aspects of our physical health. We can get better, or we can get worse, or we can do nothing, and things'll get worse on their own.

You will have more control over your fate once you get a better handle on your GERD. Lots of SS members have helped me visualize and plan for a future when my own eyes were too foggy to look ahead. There is no shame in being on disability, and you needn't rely on it forever if you don't want. Be sure to take advantage of the help, though, and make doctors and therapists your allies.

Also, just because psych meds and therapy have not been miraculous thus far, you need mental-health specialists in your corner,, so you've got to keep hauling yourself to those appointments, too; be frank with them about your feelings of frustration, fatigue, and hopelessness and tell them when medication hasn't worked.

I'll end my rant with some advice I got from one of my heroes: a former sex worker and felon, who now has a life for which I would kill. She told me to just keep doing the next right thing. 9 days out of 10 I'm too agitated to remember this, but today it occurred to me, and I thought I'd pass it on to you. Just do the next right thing, Young'n.

Why don't you spit instead?

Thanks for the response. I do spit. My mouth fills up and then I have to spit. One thing I noticed is that it's a little easier to swallow my saliva if I've brushed my teeth that day. In regard to my teeth, I brush once a week. I have to do it in the shower and it takes about 30 minutes because of my ocd. I only drink water and don't eat sweets really, so I don't get cavities. My gums are fine.

I was diagnosed a few years ago based on the symptoms I described. At the time I had severe trouble swallowing. That's gone away. It seemed to be an anxiety thing. A gastro doctor gave me an endoscopy and found my esophagus looked fine. He saw gastritis. I don't get that often these days. To check the acid reflux, I was to get a 24 hr monitor applied with a tube down my nose into my stomach. I couldn't physically handle it, so I couldn't do that test. The Gastro doctor couldn't say anymore after that.

I have a wedge pillow, but I don't notice any difference. I take omeprazole 40mg. I don't notice much difference. I had a doctor double it, but that didn't help and it made me severely nauseous.

The sad thing is I had a job interview a few months ago, but I didn't go because the water brash would make me appear sick. It was a job at a library that would include front desk work. I'm sure my ocd would've been an issue, but I wanted to try even though i'd probably lose the job in a matter of weeks.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

CTB is a personal decision. No one should tell you if you must ctb or not. You consider if you want to live. You are who decides. No one else.

 

[Sensei]

I guess it simply comes down to if you think that you eventually will find therapy that work for you and if you think that you will find strategies to live with your condition. If your answer is yes in both cases you should probably stay and fight. @azucaramargo obvioiusly know very much about both of these issues and can give you support and advice, if both of you are comfortable with that. In the end, only you know what's the right thing to do, though.