I have been "practising" of sorts, lately.
If I press my neck hard with the flesh between my first finger and thumb, I can't breathe, it's unpleasant, and I can't control how long I maintain it for.
If I use the tips of my finger and thumb, using them to find my pulse and press hard on it, it is not unpleasant, and I can feel that I will pass out if I maintain it beyond a minute or more.
I want to do it for real this evening, using a noose made from the belt of my dressing gown. I tried last time they let me home on leave from the ward, but didn't understand the importance of the positioning on the carotid artery, plus my survival / resistance to pain instincts (g*ddam that reptile brain) kicked in. I am confident the material of the noose is strong enough. If I need to add padding at my pulse points I guess I'll use socks, or some such. I can figure that out.
I've tied a knot in the other end of the noose and with the knot outside my balcony door, and the noose inside.
I really must not f*ck about this time as I'm due back on the ward tonight.
Seeing the shrink at 9.50am tomorrow for "ward round", which my mother is coming to.
I'm am 45 years old and my mother is about to turn 76 next week. She has never for second not wanted to live.
Everything she's ever done, she's been successful at, and she's made multiple profound positive impacts on other people's lives. She is widely loved and admired, quite rightly, and has no comprehension of what hell life can be and is for me. I wouldn't want her to.
My mother plans on me going to stay in her flat, which is where my elderly dog already is.
I don't want to be here for any of that.