Neurodamaged2
Member
- Oct 28, 2019
- 69
I'd say my name by it's lost it's meaning, I don't really have an identity anymore. The pictures of old me seem like some other person, recognizable but not me. That's what happens when you're so brain damaged. Memory, cognition impaired. Long term memories erased. We'll get to how that happened.
This (CTB) has been a long time coming. I have been in an out of psych wards since January. Before then I hadn't been in one except for a weekend stay in 2013. In 2013 at 21 I was experiencing intense university stress and struggle, and as such was depressed. I started (pressured into by mom) taking an SSRI which slowly caused anhedonia, PSSD, and emotional blunting over the following years. After a year after starting it I started taking adderall, because I thought I had ADD - stupidly believing if it was a drug it was safe to take long term. Amphetamines + SSRI = not good for your brain. A year after that because of the anhedonia from the SSRI I started drinking, then smoking. It provided the dopamine that I wasn't getting anymore from hobbies like gaming or such, thanks to the SSRI. As well, prior to the SSRI, I was never someone to drink outside of social events. I was never a drug user, I was a kinda introverted half-nerd half normal kid. Two years after the ssri, drinking became a daily thing. Since then it's been several years of daily heavyish nightly drinking, amphetamines (for ADD! *roll eyes*), SSRI (for depression *which I didn't have outside of that temporary window in 2013*), smoking, etc.
To be honest, my brain probably started it's pace towards dysfunctionality when I ordered 'nootropics' at 17. Powdered drugs made in china, sold as 'Piracetam' and other similar nootropics, and marketed as 'brain enhancing' drugs. But, to be honest, it was really the stuff that came after (SSRI, etc) that did me in, so I'm skipping that.
Last year I noticed I had PSSD, some mild akathisia at times, some cognitive difficulties, some issues socializing (creating and maintaining good convos), was emotionally numb and such. Note I was complaining of *cognitive issues* due to *pharmceuticals, drugs and alcohol*. I went to some docs who did nothing to help, and said it was 'depression'. Really?
Then I attempted suicide last december, I failed but did hypoxic damage. After that I wasn't teetering on the edge of sanity and suicide anymore, I was past the edge. Since then they've shoved drugs in me, ECT'd me (which caused devastating brain damage, erasing what little I had left and was relying on, plus permanent memory loss, insomnia, appetite loss, worsened akathisia), ketamine, the works. By the time they got around to doing group DBT therapy, I was too nuked to even be able to sit still through a session let alone remember anything at all they had talked about. My learning ability was gone. I no longer remembered what happened the previous week, month, etc. It was bits and slices of memories. After all that, in May, I went home and was on a cocktail of some of the most harmful psychoactives they can prescribe. Seroquel (anti-psychotic, causes loss of grey matter in the brain), benzos (highly addictive, causes GABA system weardown and tolerance), an SSRI and even sent me home with fucking ketamine.
Throughout all the psych wards, all the doctors, ZERO of the problems I originally complained about were addressed, it was simply a prescription system were they threw medications at me like darts on a board because "it's depression". No thought of "well, you've taken some heavy drugs over the years, you need some time to heal. Your brain may rewire and come back after several years. In the mean time, please avoid suicide and wait. Take time off work if you need, whatever you need except suicide or more drugs."
But it's too late now. I barely function cognitively, memory is junk, no identity, no desires, no emotions, nada. Just blank. I lay in bed all day and browse the internet to pass the time. But that's soon to come to a close. In a few months I'll be kicked out of my parents home to a shared home, one of the worst places to be. Full of society's rejects - addicts, mentally ill, etc. But then again that's what I am now, no longer mentally fit to be a person so no longer of use to family, friends or society as a functioning person. They shove 20-30 people into a home, two or three to a room, and take all your disability money. Dole out three poverty level meals a day, with one TV for the masses to pass the time, meds handed out at med time. I refuse to live this way, this is life support before death. If I can't function as a human being, I'm out. I'm skipping the hell of social housing, skipping watching my family slowly resent, loath, then forget about me. I'm skipping watching my parents grow old and die knowing their son is a non-person, while they disbelieve brain damage and instead claim I'm lazy or not trying or whatever. I refuse to let my parents watch me lay in a home, never to progress, their entire life's work at making me successful a waste.
It's better to pull the plug than live with a family member as a vegetable never able to get out of it. Better to move on. Same situation applies here.
Anyways, I've OD'd several times:
- Swallowed 35 extra strength tylenols, went through a day of hell and lived.
- OD'd on benzos, does't work unless you're old and sick.
- I've tried hanging myself twice and took the hypoxic damage from it - one time of which I ended up in the hospital on life support in a coma.
I've paid my 'dues', shown modern psych medicine is a fucking sham and the doctors are idiots reading out of the DSM-IV and doling out meds - no capacity to analyze and think. I'm done. I'm out. I've got so much more damage than when I first started approaching docs last december, thanks to these docs, it's not even funny. I'd have been better off never going to a psych ward and risking suicide, letting my brain heal on it's own. Better than trying to fix suicidality by decreasing brain function via drugs and electroshock 'therapy'.
I'm currently drinking some beer with a few benzos and will be hanging myself either today or tomorrow. My mother already resents me, ignores everything I say and comes up with her own reasons for my 'illness'. At this point I don't think she even cares about the reason, I'm just a non-functioning stay-at-home who's threats of suicide have failed. She used to care, sobbed over me when I was in the hospital seizing in a coma in march after hanging myself *nearly* successfully, but is completely cold now. My dad? Can't handle the idea of mental illness or drugs causing damage, etc. Thinks I'm faking it for disability money. The rest of my family, don't care anymore. Not because I choose not to care, but because I simply don't possess the ability.
Let my death be a lesson. I used to be a bright kid. Graduated high school a normal, bright kid gifted in math and science. Won awards for highest marks graduating. Drugs did me in. The drugs you least suspect to harm you, for me, did. The lot of them, SSRIs, Amphetamines, etc, are poison. For those of you with depression or anxiety, you're better off having two beers at the end of the day, playing a game or watching a movie, and going to bed. Join a club. Exercise. If that doesn't work, enroll in some DBT or other talk therapy classes. Anything but drugs. For some, they say they've worked, *for now*. But for some it's life ruining. Risk/reward.
This (CTB) has been a long time coming. I have been in an out of psych wards since January. Before then I hadn't been in one except for a weekend stay in 2013. In 2013 at 21 I was experiencing intense university stress and struggle, and as such was depressed. I started (pressured into by mom) taking an SSRI which slowly caused anhedonia, PSSD, and emotional blunting over the following years. After a year after starting it I started taking adderall, because I thought I had ADD - stupidly believing if it was a drug it was safe to take long term. Amphetamines + SSRI = not good for your brain. A year after that because of the anhedonia from the SSRI I started drinking, then smoking. It provided the dopamine that I wasn't getting anymore from hobbies like gaming or such, thanks to the SSRI. As well, prior to the SSRI, I was never someone to drink outside of social events. I was never a drug user, I was a kinda introverted half-nerd half normal kid. Two years after the ssri, drinking became a daily thing. Since then it's been several years of daily heavyish nightly drinking, amphetamines (for ADD! *roll eyes*), SSRI (for depression *which I didn't have outside of that temporary window in 2013*), smoking, etc.
To be honest, my brain probably started it's pace towards dysfunctionality when I ordered 'nootropics' at 17. Powdered drugs made in china, sold as 'Piracetam' and other similar nootropics, and marketed as 'brain enhancing' drugs. But, to be honest, it was really the stuff that came after (SSRI, etc) that did me in, so I'm skipping that.
Last year I noticed I had PSSD, some mild akathisia at times, some cognitive difficulties, some issues socializing (creating and maintaining good convos), was emotionally numb and such. Note I was complaining of *cognitive issues* due to *pharmceuticals, drugs and alcohol*. I went to some docs who did nothing to help, and said it was 'depression'. Really?
Then I attempted suicide last december, I failed but did hypoxic damage. After that I wasn't teetering on the edge of sanity and suicide anymore, I was past the edge. Since then they've shoved drugs in me, ECT'd me (which caused devastating brain damage, erasing what little I had left and was relying on, plus permanent memory loss, insomnia, appetite loss, worsened akathisia), ketamine, the works. By the time they got around to doing group DBT therapy, I was too nuked to even be able to sit still through a session let alone remember anything at all they had talked about. My learning ability was gone. I no longer remembered what happened the previous week, month, etc. It was bits and slices of memories. After all that, in May, I went home and was on a cocktail of some of the most harmful psychoactives they can prescribe. Seroquel (anti-psychotic, causes loss of grey matter in the brain), benzos (highly addictive, causes GABA system weardown and tolerance), an SSRI and even sent me home with fucking ketamine.
Throughout all the psych wards, all the doctors, ZERO of the problems I originally complained about were addressed, it was simply a prescription system were they threw medications at me like darts on a board because "it's depression". No thought of "well, you've taken some heavy drugs over the years, you need some time to heal. Your brain may rewire and come back after several years. In the mean time, please avoid suicide and wait. Take time off work if you need, whatever you need except suicide or more drugs."
But it's too late now. I barely function cognitively, memory is junk, no identity, no desires, no emotions, nada. Just blank. I lay in bed all day and browse the internet to pass the time. But that's soon to come to a close. In a few months I'll be kicked out of my parents home to a shared home, one of the worst places to be. Full of society's rejects - addicts, mentally ill, etc. But then again that's what I am now, no longer mentally fit to be a person so no longer of use to family, friends or society as a functioning person. They shove 20-30 people into a home, two or three to a room, and take all your disability money. Dole out three poverty level meals a day, with one TV for the masses to pass the time, meds handed out at med time. I refuse to live this way, this is life support before death. If I can't function as a human being, I'm out. I'm skipping the hell of social housing, skipping watching my family slowly resent, loath, then forget about me. I'm skipping watching my parents grow old and die knowing their son is a non-person, while they disbelieve brain damage and instead claim I'm lazy or not trying or whatever. I refuse to let my parents watch me lay in a home, never to progress, their entire life's work at making me successful a waste.
It's better to pull the plug than live with a family member as a vegetable never able to get out of it. Better to move on. Same situation applies here.
Anyways, I've OD'd several times:
- Swallowed 35 extra strength tylenols, went through a day of hell and lived.
- OD'd on benzos, does't work unless you're old and sick.
- I've tried hanging myself twice and took the hypoxic damage from it - one time of which I ended up in the hospital on life support in a coma.
I've paid my 'dues', shown modern psych medicine is a fucking sham and the doctors are idiots reading out of the DSM-IV and doling out meds - no capacity to analyze and think. I'm done. I'm out. I've got so much more damage than when I first started approaching docs last december, thanks to these docs, it's not even funny. I'd have been better off never going to a psych ward and risking suicide, letting my brain heal on it's own. Better than trying to fix suicidality by decreasing brain function via drugs and electroshock 'therapy'.
I'm currently drinking some beer with a few benzos and will be hanging myself either today or tomorrow. My mother already resents me, ignores everything I say and comes up with her own reasons for my 'illness'. At this point I don't think she even cares about the reason, I'm just a non-functioning stay-at-home who's threats of suicide have failed. She used to care, sobbed over me when I was in the hospital seizing in a coma in march after hanging myself *nearly* successfully, but is completely cold now. My dad? Can't handle the idea of mental illness or drugs causing damage, etc. Thinks I'm faking it for disability money. The rest of my family, don't care anymore. Not because I choose not to care, but because I simply don't possess the ability.
Let my death be a lesson. I used to be a bright kid. Graduated high school a normal, bright kid gifted in math and science. Won awards for highest marks graduating. Drugs did me in. The drugs you least suspect to harm you, for me, did. The lot of them, SSRIs, Amphetamines, etc, are poison. For those of you with depression or anxiety, you're better off having two beers at the end of the day, playing a game or watching a movie, and going to bed. Join a club. Exercise. If that doesn't work, enroll in some DBT or other talk therapy classes. Anything but drugs. For some, they say they've worked, *for now*. But for some it's life ruining. Risk/reward.
