sourpink
Student
- Aug 27, 2020
- 148
in past I've seen in passing others' curiosity about how someone close to them might react to being told about plans or feeling a desire to say goodbye to someone.
I never saw value in that, frankly. at least not for my own situation.
that changed. one of my closest friends understands, relates to, and actually gets my experience and suffering. it's always upsetting to me to see anyone else struggle in ways I have. but I do express my stance as pro choice in bodily autonomy in every way I can think of.
this particular person and I have a lot of common interests and we both live what some folks refer to as "alternative lifestyles" in subculture.
a while back (maybe a week. maybe a month. my memory is complete garbage.) they asked, in regular conversation, where I stood with regard to being the recipient of such a goodbye on an ethical level. and that kind of opened the floor as it were, to more comfort and trust in safety with them.
lately I've been really candid because I can't be bothered to fake being 'ok' or anything close to it. I've felt my filter lessen a lot and then, mid conversation, as a response to my expressing having a difficult time with my time, they asked me to expand on that.
they said "we have talked about this" and I, with great trepidation, replied honestly, and kept it as vague as possible while admitting that yes, I'll be going in the nebulous near future.
they were understanding and understandably saddened. but they admitted they could see why I've come to this conclusion rationally, that they knew their protests would be in vain, and that the only reasons they could offer in favor of my staying were all selfish on their part.
we talked. a lot.
we laughed. cried. made merry.
I'm so unbelievably relieved, comforted, and grateful. this person wants to make sure I know how much they care and what our friendship has meant. they appreciated the chance to actually say goodbye.
this is a beautiful thing to me, but tragedy tends to reside within beauty. I feel such guilt burdening them with this knowledge, as well as feeling guilt leaving them without the person they were to me - an accepting and supportive friend who also happens to empathize heavily with my experience of existence. I'm not feeling much guilt about leaving anyone behind, apart from this person, and my father.
this validation and love from this person is a comfort I didn't see happening in any circumstance with a degree of realism.
I haven't felt so calm in over a decade.
I don't celebrate Christmas, but I've always gone along with gathering and gift giving. my celebrations happen earlier in the month, but with Xmas being such a culturally dominant occurrence I tend to be open about not adhering to the faith the holiday stems from but it's generally a nice opportunity to make time to see folks I don't see as much as I'd like. this year was particularly rough. I've relapsed in a couple different ways since this time last year, and am still in that relapsed state. I've been on this downward slide trajectory far before the pandemic was made known, and none of how I'm feeling and coping surprises me. I'm not bothered at all by being unable to gather in person with my people. as a rather reclusive and private person anyway I'm actually sort of basking in this luxury that is no social obligations to prepare for and endure. (I do like my closest people, but my disability very much complicates socializing and does actually cause me to need to cancel probably half the time I make plans anyway.)
so it's been an odd 'last holiday season' for me to say the least.
the acceptance and love given to me so automatically and empathetically by my friend is a gift so dearly treasured I can't explain my feelings in any way that might do them justice.
with drawing nearer to the close, this is so gracious, so beautiful.
I'm not 'happy', but I'm content.
this felt like such a hopeful happenstance thing that I felt it warranted venting, but not negatively for once.
I never saw value in that, frankly. at least not for my own situation.
that changed. one of my closest friends understands, relates to, and actually gets my experience and suffering. it's always upsetting to me to see anyone else struggle in ways I have. but I do express my stance as pro choice in bodily autonomy in every way I can think of.
this particular person and I have a lot of common interests and we both live what some folks refer to as "alternative lifestyles" in subculture.
a while back (maybe a week. maybe a month. my memory is complete garbage.) they asked, in regular conversation, where I stood with regard to being the recipient of such a goodbye on an ethical level. and that kind of opened the floor as it were, to more comfort and trust in safety with them.
lately I've been really candid because I can't be bothered to fake being 'ok' or anything close to it. I've felt my filter lessen a lot and then, mid conversation, as a response to my expressing having a difficult time with my time, they asked me to expand on that.
they said "we have talked about this" and I, with great trepidation, replied honestly, and kept it as vague as possible while admitting that yes, I'll be going in the nebulous near future.
they were understanding and understandably saddened. but they admitted they could see why I've come to this conclusion rationally, that they knew their protests would be in vain, and that the only reasons they could offer in favor of my staying were all selfish on their part.
we talked. a lot.
we laughed. cried. made merry.
I'm so unbelievably relieved, comforted, and grateful. this person wants to make sure I know how much they care and what our friendship has meant. they appreciated the chance to actually say goodbye.
this is a beautiful thing to me, but tragedy tends to reside within beauty. I feel such guilt burdening them with this knowledge, as well as feeling guilt leaving them without the person they were to me - an accepting and supportive friend who also happens to empathize heavily with my experience of existence. I'm not feeling much guilt about leaving anyone behind, apart from this person, and my father.
this validation and love from this person is a comfort I didn't see happening in any circumstance with a degree of realism.
I haven't felt so calm in over a decade.
I don't celebrate Christmas, but I've always gone along with gathering and gift giving. my celebrations happen earlier in the month, but with Xmas being such a culturally dominant occurrence I tend to be open about not adhering to the faith the holiday stems from but it's generally a nice opportunity to make time to see folks I don't see as much as I'd like. this year was particularly rough. I've relapsed in a couple different ways since this time last year, and am still in that relapsed state. I've been on this downward slide trajectory far before the pandemic was made known, and none of how I'm feeling and coping surprises me. I'm not bothered at all by being unable to gather in person with my people. as a rather reclusive and private person anyway I'm actually sort of basking in this luxury that is no social obligations to prepare for and endure. (I do like my closest people, but my disability very much complicates socializing and does actually cause me to need to cancel probably half the time I make plans anyway.)
so it's been an odd 'last holiday season' for me to say the least.
the acceptance and love given to me so automatically and empathetically by my friend is a gift so dearly treasured I can't explain my feelings in any way that might do them justice.
with drawing nearer to the close, this is so gracious, so beautiful.
I'm not 'happy', but I'm content.
this felt like such a hopeful happenstance thing that I felt it warranted venting, but not negatively for once.
