bed
CTBed
- Aug 24, 2019
- 919
This will probably be all over the place so I apologize in advance, mainly just posting it for myself to get some things out of my head in hopes it'll make me feel even remotely better.
I feel I am not meant for this fast paced, mainly uncaring world. I am very slow in making changes for myself and it really has bitten me in the ass. At this point I fear it is too late to make large enough changes to turn my life around to anything that resembles worth living in my eyes. I am a long term NEET and have never worked due to mental illness and physical health issues. It doesn't help that I live in an abusive household and have had basically no supports. It doesn't help that I dissociate for weeks on end and next thing I know another month has gone by and I'm stagnant, if not worse off than I was before. It doesn't help that chronic pain (fibromyalgia, spine problems, nerve pain, IBS, migraines) have taken over my life for the past five plus years. I am a shell of my the person I was before pain became an everyday problem.
It's ironic because I used to wish for a physical ailment instead of mental illness, but to me this is so much worse. I can't escape it, I get woken up by the pain a lot. Doctors won't help me to any manageable degree. The meds I'm currently on only work if I take more than the prescribed dose but he won't increase it. I feel like I'm in hell 24/7. I've lost a lot since it started, more than I wish to share.
I just don't think it's possible for me to live a fulfilling life in this condition that is untreatable. I live for others for the most part and also because I'm scared of the process of dying, as well as the possibility of failure. Even if I was mentally healthy which seems very hard to reach since physical health plays a role in my mental health - I doubt my outlook would change. I've been suicidal since I was a teenager, depressed for longer and anxious as far back as i can remember.
I was always the awkward socially anxious kid. Got bullied a fair bit, mainly for my looks and shyness. A teacher even joined in once lol... It lowered my self esteem a lot growing up. I don't care very much now about my looks but for a long time it was one of the reasons I wanted to die when I was younger.
My parents never really put much effort into trying to push me to do things or work on my anxiety as a kid, despite me asking to see a therapist when I was around 12 years old. As long as my grades were near perfect they didn't see a problem. Even when I was attacked by the adult next door neighbour and pinned down and cops were called, it was like if it never happened the day after. My family just carried on, while i still hold onto it to this day. I struggle being around men. I was also abused my mom's boyfriend between the age of 18-21. He used to put his bodily fluids in my shampoo bottles, bodywash etc. I thought I was crazy until I caught him one time. It took me years to ever bring it up and when I finally did to my mom, she dismissed it and basically took his side. I have terrible trust issues now...not that I didn't before.
Now I'm just too far gone both physically and mentally and despite my parents knowing I'm suicidal, they don't care very much or try to support/help me through it. I just want everything to stop. I want to feel physically fine most importantly, it would make me appreciate life a lot more and I'd most likely live an extra few years. Even then though being suicidal prior to as I mentioned before, I think suicide is just inevitable for me. The plethora of meds I've tried, therapies and life changes never made a big impact. I just feel like the odd one out.
Still amazes me I've made it this far in life but as they say life will find a way.
I feel I am not meant for this fast paced, mainly uncaring world. I am very slow in making changes for myself and it really has bitten me in the ass. At this point I fear it is too late to make large enough changes to turn my life around to anything that resembles worth living in my eyes. I am a long term NEET and have never worked due to mental illness and physical health issues. It doesn't help that I live in an abusive household and have had basically no supports. It doesn't help that I dissociate for weeks on end and next thing I know another month has gone by and I'm stagnant, if not worse off than I was before. It doesn't help that chronic pain (fibromyalgia, spine problems, nerve pain, IBS, migraines) have taken over my life for the past five plus years. I am a shell of my the person I was before pain became an everyday problem.
It's ironic because I used to wish for a physical ailment instead of mental illness, but to me this is so much worse. I can't escape it, I get woken up by the pain a lot. Doctors won't help me to any manageable degree. The meds I'm currently on only work if I take more than the prescribed dose but he won't increase it. I feel like I'm in hell 24/7. I've lost a lot since it started, more than I wish to share.
I just don't think it's possible for me to live a fulfilling life in this condition that is untreatable. I live for others for the most part and also because I'm scared of the process of dying, as well as the possibility of failure. Even if I was mentally healthy which seems very hard to reach since physical health plays a role in my mental health - I doubt my outlook would change. I've been suicidal since I was a teenager, depressed for longer and anxious as far back as i can remember.
I was always the awkward socially anxious kid. Got bullied a fair bit, mainly for my looks and shyness. A teacher even joined in once lol... It lowered my self esteem a lot growing up. I don't care very much now about my looks but for a long time it was one of the reasons I wanted to die when I was younger.
My parents never really put much effort into trying to push me to do things or work on my anxiety as a kid, despite me asking to see a therapist when I was around 12 years old. As long as my grades were near perfect they didn't see a problem. Even when I was attacked by the adult next door neighbour and pinned down and cops were called, it was like if it never happened the day after. My family just carried on, while i still hold onto it to this day. I struggle being around men. I was also abused my mom's boyfriend between the age of 18-21. He used to put his bodily fluids in my shampoo bottles, bodywash etc. I thought I was crazy until I caught him one time. It took me years to ever bring it up and when I finally did to my mom, she dismissed it and basically took his side. I have terrible trust issues now...not that I didn't before.
Now I'm just too far gone both physically and mentally and despite my parents knowing I'm suicidal, they don't care very much or try to support/help me through it. I just want everything to stop. I want to feel physically fine most importantly, it would make me appreciate life a lot more and I'd most likely live an extra few years. Even then though being suicidal prior to as I mentioned before, I think suicide is just inevitable for me. The plethora of meds I've tried, therapies and life changes never made a big impact. I just feel like the odd one out.
Still amazes me I've made it this far in life but as they say life will find a way.
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