Pointless post but I'm feeling helpless

[LonelyLight]

I have no idea where I'm even going with this but I'm so fucking sad. My nan has died and I loved her dearly. One of the only people I could count on and now she's gone. In one manner I'm thinking if I just kms right now I'll be back with her again. I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I feel like I can't show this sadness in my real life. Friends I was there for thru their losses in life, have not shown me the same support. I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm expecting any one to say. I have never lost someone so near to me thru death. I just feel so helpless and like everythings out of my control. I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she passed. I'm angry at who took her away yet I pray to her all the time. I'm so dumb sorry.

 

[pole]

I have no idea where I'm even going with this but I'm so fucking sad. My nan has died and I loved her dearly. One of the only people I could count on and now she's gone. In one manner I'm thinking if I just kms right now I'll be back with her again. I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I feel like I can't show this sadness in my real life. Friends I was there for thru their losses in life, have not shown me the same support. I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm expecting any one to say. I have never lost someone so near to me thru death. I just feel so helpless and like everythings out of my control. I feel guilty that I wasn't there when she passed. I'm angry at who took her away yet I pray to her all the time. I'm so dumb sorry.

dont apologize and be apologetic for wanting to let what you're feeling out. you're heartbroken its okay :/ im really sorry for you the passing of you're nan. i hope she's in a better place looking over for you now.

i felt the same way when my granddad died, i felt guilty not being with him more, talking with him more, when he wanted me to talk to him. I would scream into my pillow to let it out. and go out and play basketball alone just to forget about it.

Im sorry you're friends havent reciprocated the support you've provided them. we cant count on those being as supporting as we are ourselves cause we'll be heartbroken when were the ones in need of support, and counting on them to be there for you because you were when they arent is what leads to heartbreak.

you want someone to comfort you, and tell you its gonna be okay; like anyone would when there mourning. is there any family you can be with it right now? its so hard to show emotion over the internet. so hard to show emotions through words. Im sorry again. you have one thing that cant be snatched away and its the memories you had with her.

if it makes you feel better, continue in venting on the forum; and dont apologize in doing so. let it all out.

 

[Empty Smile]

We're here for you. We listen to everyone who comes in and try to offer as much comfort as possible. Sometimes it's not easy, and I can't find the right words, but I'll try.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I'm sorry this has happened .
Do you think it might help to ring a support service just to hear yourself speak the words ... to let it out and
maybe have a cry about it over the phone .

I did that once and it did help a bit - just to relieve the pressure of the grief a little .
( My issue at the time was a failed romance but it felt like my world ended ...)

Sorry I can't help more ... I just wanted to suggest something and tell you that some anonymous internet person
did actually notice , however small a thing that is .

 

[Laststop]

I'm really sorry. I had the exact same situation. My grandparents were the only good thing I had in life. My Grandfather died in the early 90s, and my Gram about 10 years ago. Family came from all over, and we got to say goodbye. As we were all standing in the intensive care ward I hugged my younger step brother and cried harder than I ever have. I'm an empty person inside, and not one for public displays of emotion. The room was full of family, visitors, and hospital staff, and I didn't care who saw me cry like that. I got to see her before she went, I helped carry her casket, and I was the only family member besides one Aunt who spoke at her funeral. So I feel fortunate. I had some closure. I feel for people who lose someone that means so much, and has things left unfinished. She was always there for me, believed in me, and gave of herself to me like no one else ever. She's person that loved me for me. I'm here to tell you it's totally normal for your feelings to be all over the place, and not be able to focus inside. Take it from an old crusty person with a lot of years and miles on him. Just let yourself work it out in your own time, and in your own way. Don't feel like you have to match anyone else, or even share how you feel with anyone. And most important, know you're not going to resolve everything, and some of whatever is finally left with be with you forever. So you learn to live with it. And if you can't...well I guess we're all here.

 

[LonelyLight]

dont apologize and be apologetic for wanting to let what you're feeling out. you're heartbroken its okay :/ im really sorry for you the passing of you're nan. i hope she's in a better place looking over for you now.

i felt the same way when my granddad died, i felt guilty not being with him more, talking with him more, when he wanted me to talk to him. I would scream into my pillow to let it out. and go out and play basketball alone just to forget about it.

Im sorry you're friends havent reciprocated the support you've provided them. we cant count on those being as supporting as we are ourselves cause we'll be heartbroken when were the ones in need of support, and counting on them to be there for you because you were when they arent is what leads to heartbreak.

you want someone to comfort you, and tell you its gonna be okay; like anyone would when there mourning. is there any family you can be with it right now? its so hard to show emotion over the internet. so hard to show emotions through words. Im sorry again. you have one thing that cant be snatched away and its the memories you had with her.

if it makes you feel better, continue in venting on the forum; and dont apologize in doing so. let it all out.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. What you've said means a lot, especially the fact you've experienced a similar loss, you know the feelings that come along with it.
It really comes and goes in waves, you function for a few days and then an unbearable day comes again.
I do have family to talk to, but find myself having to fake strength for them, my mother has taken it very badly.
Thanks again for replying, you have no idea the impact your kind words have had on me.

We're here for you. We listen to everyone who comes in and try to offer as much comfort as possible. Sometimes it's not easy, and I can't find the right words, but I'll try.

Just the fact you noticed and reached out is enough. Thank you so much I really appreciate your kindness

I'm sorry this has happened .
Do you think it might help to ring a support service just to hear yourself speak the words ... to let it out and
maybe have a cry about it over the phone .

I did that once and it did help a bit - just to relieve the pressure of the grief a little .
( My issue at the time was a failed romance but it felt like my world ended ...)

Sorry I can't help more ... I just wanted to suggest something and tell you that some anonymous internet person
did actually notice , however small a thing that is .

Thank you so much for sharing what helped you in the past. As weird as it sounds I have an anxiety when it comes to talking to strangers over the phone, I'm the kind of person that would play it off if it got too deep, act like I'm all better now, if that makes any sense. Your reply means a lot to me. Especially at a time where I feel in my real life no one gives a shit. Its nice to know I can come here and reach out and have people reach out in return. Thank you.

I'm really sorry. I had the exact same situation. My grandparents were the only good thing I had in life. My Grandfather died in the early 90s, and my Gram about 10 years ago. Family came from all over, and we got to say goodbye. As we were all standing in the intensive care ward I hugged my younger step brother and cried harder than I ever have. I'm an empty person inside, and not one for public displays of emotion. The room was full of family, visitors, and hospital staff, and I didn't care who saw me cry like that. I got to see her before she went, I helped carry her casket, and I was the only family member besides one Aunt who spoke at her funeral. So I feel fortunate. I had some closure. I feel for people who lose someone that means so much, and has things left unfinished. She was always there for me, believed in me, and gave of herself to me like no one else ever. She's person that loved me for me. I'm here to tell you it's totally normal for your feelings to be all over the place, and not be able to focus inside. Take it from an old crusty person with a lot of years and miles on him. Just let yourself work it out in your own time, and in your own way. Don't feel like you have to match anyone else, or even share how you feel with anyone. And most important, know you're not going to resolve everything, and some of whatever is finally left with be with you forever. So you learn to live with it. And if you can't...well I guess we're all here.

She was exactly that to me. The one person i knew was there when i called on the phone. Or when I'd knock on her door and her face lit up at the fact it was me. Love like that can only be given by a grandparent i feel. And she was the only one i ever had my whole life. I'm carrying alot of guilt, especially due to the fact i didn't answer the last phone call she made to me cause i was busy. That is haunting me, I just can't let it go. But i know deep in my heart if she was here she would say don't be silly thinking like that. But still what i wouldn't give to answer the phone now. Ironic isn't it. Sorry I'm ranting away again, but thank you for your reply to me, it really means a lot, especially since you know the feeling of this kind of loss

 

[Laststop]

She was exactly that to me. The one person i knew was there when i called on the phone. Or when I'd knock on her door and her face lit up at the fact it was me. Love like that can only be given by a grandparent i feel. And she was the only one i ever had my whole life. I'm carrying alot of guilt, especially due to the fact i didn't answer the last phone call she made to me cause i was busy. That is haunting me, I just can't let it go. But i know deep in my heart if she was here she would say don't be silly thinking like that. But still what i wouldn't give to answer the phone now. Ironic isn't it. Sorry I'm ranting away again, but thank you for your reply to me, it really means a lot, especially since you know the feeling of this kind of loss

Totally. I'm sorry for you. I really am. And I know about the regret too. I wish I had been better for her. She wanted me to do better, like in school, only for my own sake. Or just life in general. I wish I had done more, to make her happy, and proud of me. I went to college later in life, and I know she was so happy for that. She would bore the hell out of people telling them about it. And on her death bed I told her how much she meant to me, and I don't know what I would have done without her; not mentioning it was largely due to how much the generation after her sucked so bad, including her son, my father. On her death bed she made me promise not to let my college go to waste. Well, I graduated a long time ago, and here I am. I guess, in a way, I'm glad she didn't see me waste it like I have all these years. But then maybe I would have done something, if I knew it would make her happy? So, yes, I live with regret about her too. I did and said things it hate myself for. When I look back at how selfish my own parents were/are, with both support in the form of tangible things, as well as love and attentiveness, and then think back to how much my Gram took care of me....I get sick to my stomach if I think about how much more I should have done to let her see her efforts were not in vain. And, I wish I had spent more time with her. Probably should have treated her more with the things she liked too. She liked expensive seafood as a treat. LOL, I wish I had gotten her more things like that. I guess I can say, at least, I wasn't like one of these guys on hard drugs that hurt her, or stole from her, over and over, all the while her still being there for me. I hate those stories. You can say the same thing!

 

[justanotherday]

Totally. I'm sorry for you. I really am. And I know about the regret too. I wish I had been better for her. She wanted me to do better, like in school, only for my own sake. Or just life in general. I wish I had done more, to make her happy, and proud of me. I went to college later in life, and I know she was so happy for that. She would bore the hell out of people telling them about it. And on her death bed I told her how much she meant to me, and I don't know what I would have done without her; not mentioning it was largely due to how much the generation after her sucked so bad, including her son, my father. On her death bed she made me promise not to let my college go to waste. Well, I graduated a long time ago, and here I am. I guess, in a way, I'm glad she didn't see me waste it like I have all these years. But then maybe I would have done something, if I knew it would make her happy? So, yes, I live with regret about her too. I did and said things it hate myself for. When I look back at how selfish my own parents were/are, with both support in the form of tangible things, as well as love and attentiveness, and then think back to how much my Gram took care of me....I get sick to my stomach if I think about how much more I should have done to let her see her efforts were not in vain. And, I wish I had spent more time with her. Probably should have treated her more with the things she liked too. She liked expensive seafood as a treat. LOL, I wish I had gotten her more things like that. I guess I can say, at least, I wasn't like one of these guys on hard drugs that hurt her, or stole from her, over and over, all the while her still being there for me. I hate those stories. You can say the same thing!

I have tons of guilt too... No amount of therapy has ever helped. I will never forgive myself