SpiderLink
they/them
- Apr 3, 2023
- 354
Crime Scene:
Trauma is like a internal crime scene.
That only I can see.
I'm the only evidence and the wittiness.
Don't try and dismiss it, cause I'm already the victim in this description.
No clues that they could've seen in this scene.
No need to invest in this investigation.
I'm fragile, you don't want to contaminate this scene any further.
Been contaminated for so long.
No crime cleaner can clean this mess.
It's left me messed up.
Stuck with the same clothes.
Got nothing to change into within my own skin.
These scenes replay like a movie on repeat.
Collecting so many views but I'm the only viewer.
A movie in the past that can't be left behind.
Knowing the ending, but there is no ending.
Looks like this is a cold case.
Left to be revisited, I'm left devastated.
When revisited, don't want to visit it.
Carrying this case like a brief case, this isn't brief.
No relief.
In disbelief.
This case is like a safe I only have access to.
Case isn't safe inside me.
These files are buried deep.
Evidence locked up in my mind.
Never wanted to carry this, in this brief case.
Maybe my depression carrying this brief case.
Maybe I never carried it.
I'm just left inside.
It's been decided.
I'm just divided.
Never outside.
That's why it's a cold case.
Still stuck in this scene on repeat.
Depression never letting go of this brief case.
Yet still a cold case.
Can't be replaced.
No leads.
Might as well close this file.
Bowling Pins:
My life is like bowling pins.
Always getting knocked down.
Always Strikes.
Like a lighting strike that knows what to hit.
No Spares to prepare for though.
Cause I'm just in despair.
My brain keeps score.
Like leaving mental scars.
That no tattoo could cover up.
I'm not the player, I'm just a spectator.
Never knowing who is rolling the bowl.
Not knowing how to control the fate of this game.
When all pins get knocked down.
These players are so skilled.
They never miss.
Most of my life has been watching this game.
Like a job, that I never wanted to be hired for.
I wanna retire cause I'm tired of living this nightmare that I never prepared for.
The spectators around me telling me to stick around without a reason why.
But I just want this game to end.
Hate seeing these pins get knocked down.
Like they mean nothing.
Can't do anything cause that's the point of the game.
My life has no meaning when the pins get knocked down.
What's there to look forward to when the pins always get knocked down?
I can't prevent the future of this game, cause it's been set in stone.
I predict the future of it, cause always more than one get knocked down.
It's like my purpose that has no meaning to just get knocked down.
Don't tell me there's hope.
Cause there is none as a spectator.
Drowning:
I drown in my sorrow, as I just borrow a smile.
I denial, in this downward spiral.
I've been drained of all hope though.
My Water still remains in this domain.
That I never owned it, I try to disown it.
Can't carry this water.
Sharks biting the prey I never wanted to be.
Whenever I try to swim, I just bleed out.
Can't out swim this ocean, can't I?
Want me to think glass half full?
At least I can live a bit longer in this water.
I know how to swim.
I just don't know how much longer I need to still swim in sorrow.
I have all this water.
I just never wanted the water to be this heavy.
Why is water impossible to carry?
The water owns me, it drowns me.
I'm too tired to keep swimming in a direction I know isn't there.
I can't save me, but no lifeboats on their way to save me.
These waterspouts are too dangerous for them to handle.
Can't have them get hurt, their lives are worth more than mine.
Everyone around me enjoying life on their cruise.
Trying to tread… I'm too bruised for a cruise.
I'm too tired.
Treading for so long I think I'll just sink.
I'm not gonna bother fighting off the sharks.
I've been bitten for so long, bleeding for so long.
All I do is sink.
Everything is so blurry.
I wish I had goggles.
Maybe I'd see ahead clearly.
Maybe I'd be able to swim longer.
Maybe I would regain this hope that's been drained.
Last Tread.
Last Breath…
Fire in me:
Fire starts from somewhere.
Can't always tell when it's here till it's too late.
Heats me up.
Doesn't warm me up.
Just harms me and disarms me.
Left no where to run when the fire is in ME.
It's getting hot.
Feel my skin peeling.
Underneath this buried scene.
Burnt all the proof on this surface.
You can't see it.
Cause I feel it.
This type of fire you can't see.
You can't put out this fire.
All you see is smoke when I break.
Breaking adds more fuel to the flames, of this burden that burns me.
Got nothing to put out this fire in me when I'm the spark.
Don't tell me my spark can be put out.
I'm the virus that started this fire.
I just never intended it to.
Don't ever blame me for the flames I've caused.
Never meant to.
This fire is out of control.
You won't understand unless you see for yourself.
No witnesses can back me up.
Cause I've been left here to burn.
Just been burning this hope that was never there.
I want to die with this fire.
Cause it's burnt me to pieces.
I'll just be put out.
I'm the flame that's been blamed.
Barely any oxygen.
Barely breathing at this point.
Burned my hope.
Burned my future.
Might as well let it burn me.
Games over:
Depression is the devil in this level.
Always winning each level.
It beats me every time I try.
I suck at this video game called "Life"?
Why am I even playing it?
Depression trained for every scenario in this video game.
I never was, I never had an option for training.
Forced to play against my will.
Once I fail a level, I go to the next level.
No time to redo.
Can't go back.
Keeps on getting harder.
All the devils working together.
Beating me up so bad.
I'm still playing, somehow.
I don't even know how I'm still playing this game.
I don't even know what the goal of this game is.
Seems like nothing is at the end… if there's an end.
If I finally beat depression… nothings ahead.
Won't matter if I win or lose.
It's still a loss either way.
I want to move onto another game though.
Trying to end this game is hard.
Want to start all over.
But it's already all over.
Getting made fun of from these other players.
They beat each level in front of them.
Hard not to compare when Im never prepared.
Seems like everyone has their goal in their game.
They know what to do.
Each level that passes, depression surpasses.
Not everyone has depression in their video game.
They just have an easier villain.
Or know how to beat it.
Asking those around me how to beat this level.
Somehow I still fail to beat.
It's left me defeated.
No point in trying when this is an endless trial, because depression is my rival.
I just don't want to keep playing if there's no reward.
No medal.
No achievement.
No trophy.
First poem (no theme):
Im at fault for all my problems.
I get lost.
Those are my problems.
I cry in pain, on the verge of dying. Compare and in despair.
I'm in a void.
Trying to avoid my pain, though!
Hurting so much inside, but no one sees it...
Hey, let's play hide and seek.
I'll hide first.
Nevermind. I'm too impatient to wait for you to find me. I'll seek for you.
Am I numb?
Why can't I SHOW it, can't FEEL it, can't TELL it?
Feels like I've been in this maze my whole life.
I can't turn around.
Dead ends now surround me.
I'm in a maze within my mind that's hopeless.
I try, but I fail.
My head is in the past but I live in the present.
All I open up is pain.
Packing and unpacking myself, but it's impacting me.
Deflecting the blame on you, but all it does is REFLECT back on me.
Got into the WWE, got a match against beating myself.
Losing every fight.
Getting injured, no coach, bleedin out, got no heals.
Old wounds openin, bleedin, scarring.
Losing myself bit by bit, losing my mind. My brain is raining pain.
Evolving my pain like a Pokémon, it's a mega evolution…Devastating, huh?
Tryna find the words.
Can't.
Depression and anxiety pullin me in different directions.
No middle ground.
Getting used like target practice.
Nothing ain't enough for me.
Nothing realistic.
Lookin online tryna find the words.
Tryna understand but never do.
Shaming my pain.
My aim is all too good.
My loudout is too OP.
Using memories, thoughts, trauma, facts, core beliefs.
All I do is look out for others more than my own self.
All I do is look for ways to feel good, but never do.
Got no restart button, no refresh button either, might as well quit.
Living for others, for their benefit. Not fitting in….In a crime scene, seen too much, lost too much, barely makin it out. Evidence backing up my case. File closed.
Triggin myself since I deserve it, serving my demons, they eat so well.
Everyone gets a say, but all I'm out on is viewing, can't share a thought, no opinion.
Watching my life like a tv series. It seriously hurts.
Core beliefs with infinity stones, snapped and dustin my grave. tellin me to plant around the root, but all the root does is it gets stronger.
Tryin to live but tryin to die. Wanting but not getting, hating but gettin it. This is the death of me.
Losing the battle, barley makin it out, not a compliment, not a achievement.
Everyday is a life in hell…(life in hell) wouldn't be surprised if my name was in the death note, probably by a suicide though.
Days go by, still a loss, I live, but I die in the end of it.
Walking on the edge, gonna fall shortly, have no one to save me.
Got no one to save me from myself, they try, but they fail.
Not their fault, just mine.
A lost cause, might as well be my middle name.
I'm non-binary, but my pain isn't the binary either.
Tryna hide my tears, but can't hold 'em back, fallin backwards, but not foward.
They tell me things I know bout myself, just reinforcing what I know.
Knowing all this shit, can't fix it, got nothin to live for, no life in that.
Losing hope as time passes, almost 3 years and yet here I am.
Depression gettin the best of me, that's what I'm made of.
Demons win, I never get a win.
Rather get hit by a train then live in my brain, they tell me to train my brain not to think like this but that's not possible.
Locked in my mind, locked in the past.
No keys, low key just wanna die. Pain gets the best of me, hope gets the worst from me.
Brain works against me, not with me. Everything links together, an unbreakable, growing, link chain.
Getting Dreams, Nightmares they're too real, hard to keep track on what's real. They point out the flaws so flawlessly.
They tellin me to distract myself, but all it does it track back on me.
My storage is full of pain, no drive to live then.
Surviving and not living.
(Hope this brings comfort to someone)
Thx for reading
Trauma is like a internal crime scene.
That only I can see.
I'm the only evidence and the wittiness.
Don't try and dismiss it, cause I'm already the victim in this description.
No clues that they could've seen in this scene.
No need to invest in this investigation.
I'm fragile, you don't want to contaminate this scene any further.
Been contaminated for so long.
No crime cleaner can clean this mess.
It's left me messed up.
Stuck with the same clothes.
Got nothing to change into within my own skin.
These scenes replay like a movie on repeat.
Collecting so many views but I'm the only viewer.
A movie in the past that can't be left behind.
Knowing the ending, but there is no ending.
Looks like this is a cold case.
Left to be revisited, I'm left devastated.
When revisited, don't want to visit it.
Carrying this case like a brief case, this isn't brief.
No relief.
In disbelief.
This case is like a safe I only have access to.
Case isn't safe inside me.
These files are buried deep.
Evidence locked up in my mind.
Never wanted to carry this, in this brief case.
Maybe my depression carrying this brief case.
Maybe I never carried it.
I'm just left inside.
It's been decided.
I'm just divided.
Never outside.
That's why it's a cold case.
Still stuck in this scene on repeat.
Depression never letting go of this brief case.
Yet still a cold case.
Can't be replaced.
No leads.
Might as well close this file.
Bowling Pins:
My life is like bowling pins.
Always getting knocked down.
Always Strikes.
Like a lighting strike that knows what to hit.
No Spares to prepare for though.
Cause I'm just in despair.
My brain keeps score.
Like leaving mental scars.
That no tattoo could cover up.
I'm not the player, I'm just a spectator.
Never knowing who is rolling the bowl.
Not knowing how to control the fate of this game.
When all pins get knocked down.
These players are so skilled.
They never miss.
Most of my life has been watching this game.
Like a job, that I never wanted to be hired for.
I wanna retire cause I'm tired of living this nightmare that I never prepared for.
The spectators around me telling me to stick around without a reason why.
But I just want this game to end.
Hate seeing these pins get knocked down.
Like they mean nothing.
Can't do anything cause that's the point of the game.
My life has no meaning when the pins get knocked down.
What's there to look forward to when the pins always get knocked down?
I can't prevent the future of this game, cause it's been set in stone.
I predict the future of it, cause always more than one get knocked down.
It's like my purpose that has no meaning to just get knocked down.
Don't tell me there's hope.
Cause there is none as a spectator.
Drowning:
I drown in my sorrow, as I just borrow a smile.
I denial, in this downward spiral.
I've been drained of all hope though.
My Water still remains in this domain.
That I never owned it, I try to disown it.
Can't carry this water.
Sharks biting the prey I never wanted to be.
Whenever I try to swim, I just bleed out.
Can't out swim this ocean, can't I?
Want me to think glass half full?
At least I can live a bit longer in this water.
I know how to swim.
I just don't know how much longer I need to still swim in sorrow.
I have all this water.
I just never wanted the water to be this heavy.
Why is water impossible to carry?
The water owns me, it drowns me.
I'm too tired to keep swimming in a direction I know isn't there.
I can't save me, but no lifeboats on their way to save me.
These waterspouts are too dangerous for them to handle.
Can't have them get hurt, their lives are worth more than mine.
Everyone around me enjoying life on their cruise.
Trying to tread… I'm too bruised for a cruise.
I'm too tired.
Treading for so long I think I'll just sink.
I'm not gonna bother fighting off the sharks.
I've been bitten for so long, bleeding for so long.
All I do is sink.
Everything is so blurry.
I wish I had goggles.
Maybe I'd see ahead clearly.
Maybe I'd be able to swim longer.
Maybe I would regain this hope that's been drained.
Last Tread.
Last Breath…
Fire in me:
Fire starts from somewhere.
Can't always tell when it's here till it's too late.
Heats me up.
Doesn't warm me up.
Just harms me and disarms me.
Left no where to run when the fire is in ME.
It's getting hot.
Feel my skin peeling.
Underneath this buried scene.
Burnt all the proof on this surface.
You can't see it.
Cause I feel it.
This type of fire you can't see.
You can't put out this fire.
All you see is smoke when I break.
Breaking adds more fuel to the flames, of this burden that burns me.
Got nothing to put out this fire in me when I'm the spark.
Don't tell me my spark can be put out.
I'm the virus that started this fire.
I just never intended it to.
Don't ever blame me for the flames I've caused.
Never meant to.
This fire is out of control.
You won't understand unless you see for yourself.
No witnesses can back me up.
Cause I've been left here to burn.
Just been burning this hope that was never there.
I want to die with this fire.
Cause it's burnt me to pieces.
I'll just be put out.
I'm the flame that's been blamed.
Barely any oxygen.
Barely breathing at this point.
Burned my hope.
Burned my future.
Might as well let it burn me.
Games over:
Depression is the devil in this level.
Always winning each level.
It beats me every time I try.
I suck at this video game called "Life"?
Why am I even playing it?
Depression trained for every scenario in this video game.
I never was, I never had an option for training.
Forced to play against my will.
Once I fail a level, I go to the next level.
No time to redo.
Can't go back.
Keeps on getting harder.
All the devils working together.
Beating me up so bad.
I'm still playing, somehow.
I don't even know how I'm still playing this game.
I don't even know what the goal of this game is.
Seems like nothing is at the end… if there's an end.
If I finally beat depression… nothings ahead.
Won't matter if I win or lose.
It's still a loss either way.
I want to move onto another game though.
Trying to end this game is hard.
Want to start all over.
But it's already all over.
Getting made fun of from these other players.
They beat each level in front of them.
Hard not to compare when Im never prepared.
Seems like everyone has their goal in their game.
They know what to do.
Each level that passes, depression surpasses.
Not everyone has depression in their video game.
They just have an easier villain.
Or know how to beat it.
Asking those around me how to beat this level.
Somehow I still fail to beat.
It's left me defeated.
No point in trying when this is an endless trial, because depression is my rival.
I just don't want to keep playing if there's no reward.
No medal.
No achievement.
No trophy.
First poem (no theme):
Im at fault for all my problems.
I get lost.
Those are my problems.
I cry in pain, on the verge of dying. Compare and in despair.
I'm in a void.
Trying to avoid my pain, though!
Hurting so much inside, but no one sees it...
Hey, let's play hide and seek.
I'll hide first.
Nevermind. I'm too impatient to wait for you to find me. I'll seek for you.
Am I numb?
Why can't I SHOW it, can't FEEL it, can't TELL it?
Feels like I've been in this maze my whole life.
I can't turn around.
Dead ends now surround me.
I'm in a maze within my mind that's hopeless.
I try, but I fail.
My head is in the past but I live in the present.
All I open up is pain.
Packing and unpacking myself, but it's impacting me.
Deflecting the blame on you, but all it does is REFLECT back on me.
Got into the WWE, got a match against beating myself.
Losing every fight.
Getting injured, no coach, bleedin out, got no heals.
Old wounds openin, bleedin, scarring.
Losing myself bit by bit, losing my mind. My brain is raining pain.
Evolving my pain like a Pokémon, it's a mega evolution…Devastating, huh?
Tryna find the words.
Can't.
Depression and anxiety pullin me in different directions.
No middle ground.
Getting used like target practice.
Nothing ain't enough for me.
Nothing realistic.
Lookin online tryna find the words.
Tryna understand but never do.
Shaming my pain.
My aim is all too good.
My loudout is too OP.
Using memories, thoughts, trauma, facts, core beliefs.
All I do is look out for others more than my own self.
All I do is look for ways to feel good, but never do.
Got no restart button, no refresh button either, might as well quit.
Living for others, for their benefit. Not fitting in….In a crime scene, seen too much, lost too much, barely makin it out. Evidence backing up my case. File closed.
Triggin myself since I deserve it, serving my demons, they eat so well.
Everyone gets a say, but all I'm out on is viewing, can't share a thought, no opinion.
Watching my life like a tv series. It seriously hurts.
Core beliefs with infinity stones, snapped and dustin my grave. tellin me to plant around the root, but all the root does is it gets stronger.
Tryin to live but tryin to die. Wanting but not getting, hating but gettin it. This is the death of me.
Losing the battle, barley makin it out, not a compliment, not a achievement.
Everyday is a life in hell…(life in hell) wouldn't be surprised if my name was in the death note, probably by a suicide though.
Days go by, still a loss, I live, but I die in the end of it.
Walking on the edge, gonna fall shortly, have no one to save me.
Got no one to save me from myself, they try, but they fail.
Not their fault, just mine.
A lost cause, might as well be my middle name.
I'm non-binary, but my pain isn't the binary either.
Tryna hide my tears, but can't hold 'em back, fallin backwards, but not foward.
They tell me things I know bout myself, just reinforcing what I know.
Knowing all this shit, can't fix it, got nothin to live for, no life in that.
Losing hope as time passes, almost 3 years and yet here I am.
Depression gettin the best of me, that's what I'm made of.
Demons win, I never get a win.
Rather get hit by a train then live in my brain, they tell me to train my brain not to think like this but that's not possible.
Locked in my mind, locked in the past.
No keys, low key just wanna die. Pain gets the best of me, hope gets the worst from me.
Brain works against me, not with me. Everything links together, an unbreakable, growing, link chain.
Getting Dreams, Nightmares they're too real, hard to keep track on what's real. They point out the flaws so flawlessly.
They tellin me to distract myself, but all it does it track back on me.
My storage is full of pain, no drive to live then.
Surviving and not living.
(Hope this brings comfort to someone)
Thx for reading
