first post on here. just wanted to share my experiences with pmdd and other things. i've had depression for as long as i can remember, i've been to outpatient day programs around 5 or 6 times, and been inpatient around 3 times. these issues really fucked up my academic success, since i was constantly in and out of hospitals and just having awful depression and suicidal ideation, i was barely in school. i ended up failing high school because of this. i got my hiset a bit later so that's good at least.
but ever since i went through a really awful abusive relationship, i have never been the same. everything that i was or had was taken from me. i do not even really remember who i was before i met him. he broke me down until i was nothing, not even a shell of my former self, more so a crushed dust of the shell of my former self. we broke up around 2 years ago at this point. ever since then, i developed so many physical and mental problems, just a sudden onslaught of terrible things. it wasn't even just suicidal ideation anymore, i become fully suicidal. sudden insomnia, sleep apnea, muscle pain, the worst of the things being sudden PMDD.
around two weeks before i'm supposed to start bleeding, i am in so much agony. i become so suicidal, during this time over the course of a few months i have created my ctb plan. i am still pretty depressed and a little bit suicidal during the rest of the month, but during these two weeks everything is so dire. i am surprised i haven't ended it all yet. i have been prescribed different meds and i have to double one of them starting around the 2 weeks before, it doesn't seem to help much. i also am using the nuvaring for birth control, and i use it in the way that i'm supposed to not get my period, but some months my body just decides im gonna have a full on period. i just had a gynecologist appointment today and we decided im gonna start doing the injection birth control that you get every 3 months. i really hope it helps.
i also started doing TMS therapy a few weeks ago, it was supposed to be every day for a few weeks, like 36 sessions in total, but i haven't been able to get myself to go every day, it's more like i go twice a week. i really need to go more often, i'm not sure if the treatment will even work the way it's supposed to since i'm barely going. i also did regular talk therapy for a bit, but stopped going because i cannot get myself out of the house and it is so hard to actually go to appointments. i think i might get on lamictal sometime soon, i cant remember if thats even the medication, it may be another one, but i cant remember the name if it isnt lamictal.
i am so lonely and so sad. i've lost all my friends ever since i was in the abusive relationship, and have not been capable of forming new connections or even being able to stay in contact with anyone, therefore losing my friendships and relationships.
i want to die so bad, but i still am trying to get better. at certain points though, i feel as if i have made my decision to ctb. then it goes away, then it comes back. the only reasons i havent done it yet are because of my animals, and kinda my family. i've got quite a few pets and i love them dearly and i cannot bear the thought of leaving them. also, some of my pets are "exotic" pets and it would probably be pretty difficult to find them new homes.
everything sucks.
but ever since i went through a really awful abusive relationship, i have never been the same. everything that i was or had was taken from me. i do not even really remember who i was before i met him. he broke me down until i was nothing, not even a shell of my former self, more so a crushed dust of the shell of my former self. we broke up around 2 years ago at this point. ever since then, i developed so many physical and mental problems, just a sudden onslaught of terrible things. it wasn't even just suicidal ideation anymore, i become fully suicidal. sudden insomnia, sleep apnea, muscle pain, the worst of the things being sudden PMDD.
around two weeks before i'm supposed to start bleeding, i am in so much agony. i become so suicidal, during this time over the course of a few months i have created my ctb plan. i am still pretty depressed and a little bit suicidal during the rest of the month, but during these two weeks everything is so dire. i am surprised i haven't ended it all yet. i have been prescribed different meds and i have to double one of them starting around the 2 weeks before, it doesn't seem to help much. i also am using the nuvaring for birth control, and i use it in the way that i'm supposed to not get my period, but some months my body just decides im gonna have a full on period. i just had a gynecologist appointment today and we decided im gonna start doing the injection birth control that you get every 3 months. i really hope it helps.
i also started doing TMS therapy a few weeks ago, it was supposed to be every day for a few weeks, like 36 sessions in total, but i haven't been able to get myself to go every day, it's more like i go twice a week. i really need to go more often, i'm not sure if the treatment will even work the way it's supposed to since i'm barely going. i also did regular talk therapy for a bit, but stopped going because i cannot get myself out of the house and it is so hard to actually go to appointments. i think i might get on lamictal sometime soon, i cant remember if thats even the medication, it may be another one, but i cant remember the name if it isnt lamictal.
i am so lonely and so sad. i've lost all my friends ever since i was in the abusive relationship, and have not been capable of forming new connections or even being able to stay in contact with anyone, therefore losing my friendships and relationships.
i want to die so bad, but i still am trying to get better. at certain points though, i feel as if i have made my decision to ctb. then it goes away, then it comes back. the only reasons i havent done it yet are because of my animals, and kinda my family. i've got quite a few pets and i love them dearly and i cannot bear the thought of leaving them. also, some of my pets are "exotic" pets and it would probably be pretty difficult to find them new homes.
everything sucks.
