Loneliest
Slow dancing to my death
- Jun 23, 2021
- 40
Hi my SS fam,
I'm ending my existence in two hours using SN. I've been wanting to for weeks but chickened out each time. I'm 100% ready now though.
I love y'all and I'm very thankful for SS. It makes me sad when I read your posts, I wish I could give you a big hug and take your pain away. I hope you'd find happiness because you absolutely deserve it! If not, I wish you peace and lots of love in the decision you shall make. It's such a shame I didn't spend much time getting to know all of you. I'm shy and have a insane fear of rejection. There were many times I hesitated sending a member a message worrying that they weren't interested in talking to me. Now that I'm leaving, those fears seem ridiculously stupid haha.
I'm not going to give any update on my condition after taking SN. 1) I want to keep SS safe 2) If my family read what I'm about to say, they will 100% delete this post to keep their names clear.
I'm going to share my story a bit. If you're not interested, skip ahead and wish me safe travels my friend! If you're, thank you for reading. I'm sorry it's all over the place as my thoughts are all over the place atm.
———————————————————
Two and a half months ago, I kept picking fights with my ex to make him break up with me because I wanted to ctb and I didn't want him to be sad. I love him and I want him to be happy of course. I found out that he found someone new and not gonna lie, it hurts like hell. It was what I wanted, but somehow I still feel so jealous, angry and hurt. The fact that I'm so easy to forget. Not that I didn't already know. I should feel happy for him but I really am not..One and a half year and all it took was a couple of weeks. Turns out I'm selfish after all.
My whole life has been shit show. Physical & emotional abuse from my mum since I was a kid. I remember her chasing me with a knife threatening to kill me, putting a needle on my lips threatening to sew them, forcing me to kneel outside of the house for hours, throwing my cake at me on my birthday, hitting me til bruised, telling me I'm a useless piece of shit, tearing my textbook into pieces etc. 18, first serious attempt by sleeping pills, I was in a coma/deep sleep for two days, the first thing she said to me when I woke up, "Thank God you woke up. We didn't send you to hospital as it was too embarrassing". The irony is that, classmates and friends always told me how lucky I was to have such a nice mum. Yeah she is an angel when there's people. You can't even guess.
I've always hated my dad as I felt him cheating was the reason why my mum was so crazy and took it out on me. A year ago, I came home abroad and all hell broke loose. I couldn't and can't go anywhere as we've been on a strict lockdown. Just a few months ago, he slapped me a few times and told me I was a coward as I couldn't even kill myself. And that I needed to just do it already. Shortly after, I got slapped and hit by my mom for trying to confront her about not sending me to hospital after I attempted suicide. She said, "I don't remember! You're lying!" Imagine being 26 and still being slapped and hit by your parents hahaha...
One thing I've never told anyone though is that, deep down the reason I hate my dad so much is not only because my mum took it out on me whenever he made her mad, is also because he sexually harassed me when I was a teen. When I told my mum, she said he was just joking. No surprise. When my dad's friend was harassing me, she laughed and said, "oh he's not even that old!" A pedo but yeah so funny mum. You can't imagine how much I hate them. I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought about killing them.
My bro kicked me out of the family group chat, called me a psycho before because I had depression and needed to take medicine for it. My sis is always belittling me. So you see, nobody likes me. Nobody cares about me. My siblings are the precious ones and there's me, a piece of shit. My parents brought me here to torture me and expect me to be grateful for being alive. When I was bullied horribly in high school, I begged my mum to help, she said I must of done something to be bullied. My bully eventually apologised to me after she found out about my attempted suicide, said she didn't remember being so mean. People who abuse you always don't remember. They drive you to the point of suicide yet they have amnesia.
I used to have a decent job with decent pay but I couldn't take the stress normal people could. I've ruined everything for myself. I have no future. My love life is a mess too. I'm sick of relationships that never last. I'm so so so tired guys. I'm crying while typing this.
I'm not an angel though. The abused becomes the abuser. I've become such a monster, a very bitter and terrible person who hurt people before they could hurt me. I have so much anger in me and I explode. I used to be a very kind person but now I can't go back. Some don't deserve what I've done to them. The difference between me and my abusers is that I feel bad about it. I often stay up all night thinking about the pain I've caused people and I let the guilt eat me alive. I need to stop hurting innocent people. The only way to stop being a monster is to die.
I'm just so tired of life. So tired of everything. I've been trying for way too long and now I want to rest. I want to forget about every single memory I have and just disappear. My life was doomed to fail the very moment I was born. There will be no news about my death, my family will cover it up with money like they always do with stuffs.. Sadly.. I will be forgotten by everyone.
———————————————————
I will post before drinking SN then I have to delete all the traces of SS. I will come back if I failed. I don't want to think about failing though. This has to be the final attempt. I'm in too much pain. I need it to stop.
I'm ending my existence in two hours using SN. I've been wanting to for weeks but chickened out each time. I'm 100% ready now though.
I love y'all and I'm very thankful for SS. It makes me sad when I read your posts, I wish I could give you a big hug and take your pain away. I hope you'd find happiness because you absolutely deserve it! If not, I wish you peace and lots of love in the decision you shall make. It's such a shame I didn't spend much time getting to know all of you. I'm shy and have a insane fear of rejection. There were many times I hesitated sending a member a message worrying that they weren't interested in talking to me. Now that I'm leaving, those fears seem ridiculously stupid haha.
I'm not going to give any update on my condition after taking SN. 1) I want to keep SS safe 2) If my family read what I'm about to say, they will 100% delete this post to keep their names clear.
I'm going to share my story a bit. If you're not interested, skip ahead and wish me safe travels my friend! If you're, thank you for reading. I'm sorry it's all over the place as my thoughts are all over the place atm.
———————————————————
Two and a half months ago, I kept picking fights with my ex to make him break up with me because I wanted to ctb and I didn't want him to be sad. I love him and I want him to be happy of course. I found out that he found someone new and not gonna lie, it hurts like hell. It was what I wanted, but somehow I still feel so jealous, angry and hurt. The fact that I'm so easy to forget. Not that I didn't already know. I should feel happy for him but I really am not..One and a half year and all it took was a couple of weeks. Turns out I'm selfish after all.
My whole life has been shit show. Physical & emotional abuse from my mum since I was a kid. I remember her chasing me with a knife threatening to kill me, putting a needle on my lips threatening to sew them, forcing me to kneel outside of the house for hours, throwing my cake at me on my birthday, hitting me til bruised, telling me I'm a useless piece of shit, tearing my textbook into pieces etc. 18, first serious attempt by sleeping pills, I was in a coma/deep sleep for two days, the first thing she said to me when I woke up, "Thank God you woke up. We didn't send you to hospital as it was too embarrassing". The irony is that, classmates and friends always told me how lucky I was to have such a nice mum. Yeah she is an angel when there's people. You can't even guess.
I've always hated my dad as I felt him cheating was the reason why my mum was so crazy and took it out on me. A year ago, I came home abroad and all hell broke loose. I couldn't and can't go anywhere as we've been on a strict lockdown. Just a few months ago, he slapped me a few times and told me I was a coward as I couldn't even kill myself. And that I needed to just do it already. Shortly after, I got slapped and hit by my mom for trying to confront her about not sending me to hospital after I attempted suicide. She said, "I don't remember! You're lying!" Imagine being 26 and still being slapped and hit by your parents hahaha...
One thing I've never told anyone though is that, deep down the reason I hate my dad so much is not only because my mum took it out on me whenever he made her mad, is also because he sexually harassed me when I was a teen. When I told my mum, she said he was just joking. No surprise. When my dad's friend was harassing me, she laughed and said, "oh he's not even that old!" A pedo but yeah so funny mum. You can't imagine how much I hate them. I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought about killing them.
My bro kicked me out of the family group chat, called me a psycho before because I had depression and needed to take medicine for it. My sis is always belittling me. So you see, nobody likes me. Nobody cares about me. My siblings are the precious ones and there's me, a piece of shit. My parents brought me here to torture me and expect me to be grateful for being alive. When I was bullied horribly in high school, I begged my mum to help, she said I must of done something to be bullied. My bully eventually apologised to me after she found out about my attempted suicide, said she didn't remember being so mean. People who abuse you always don't remember. They drive you to the point of suicide yet they have amnesia.
I used to have a decent job with decent pay but I couldn't take the stress normal people could. I've ruined everything for myself. I have no future. My love life is a mess too. I'm sick of relationships that never last. I'm so so so tired guys. I'm crying while typing this.
I'm not an angel though. The abused becomes the abuser. I've become such a monster, a very bitter and terrible person who hurt people before they could hurt me. I have so much anger in me and I explode. I used to be a very kind person but now I can't go back. Some don't deserve what I've done to them. The difference between me and my abusers is that I feel bad about it. I often stay up all night thinking about the pain I've caused people and I let the guilt eat me alive. I need to stop hurting innocent people. The only way to stop being a monster is to die.
I'm just so tired of life. So tired of everything. I've been trying for way too long and now I want to rest. I want to forget about every single memory I have and just disappear. My life was doomed to fail the very moment I was born. There will be no news about my death, my family will cover it up with money like they always do with stuffs.. Sadly.. I will be forgotten by everyone.
———————————————————
I will post before drinking SN then I have to delete all the traces of SS. I will come back if I failed. I don't want to think about failing though. This has to be the final attempt. I'm in too much pain. I need it to stop.
