please tell me why I can't kill myself

[TheLastYoyo]

I need someone to explain it to me. Please. I want to so badly, but I can't. I just stop every time I get close. I KNOW I will NEVER kill myself. I hate knowing that. I HATE IT AND I WISH I COULD JUST DO IT,

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Maybe it's your SI (survival instinct) acting up?

 

[CantDoIt]

Survival Instinct. Personally I get a lot of very negative imagery in my head when I think about doing it, and I haven't even gotten that close yet. You have to do it sort of on auto-pilot just like you're doing another task, I've heard, trying not to think about it too much. Also, since we don't have a lot of very peaceful and accessible methods it makes it a lot harder.

 

[TheLastYoyo]

I don't care if it's survival instinct. Nothing WILL EVER HELP ME. NOTHING WILL. I don't care WHAT you name. Medication? I've fucking tried it, MANY TIMES, FOR FUCKING YEARS. Therapy? I HAVE TWO THERAPISTS. I've tried several. I have GREAT therapists but it doesn't fucking matter how great they are.
I have a good job! I have a great fucking boyfriend! I have great friends and cats!

Nothing WILL EVER FUCKING Help. 988. I stayed in a psychiatric ward a few months ago. Eating well, exercising, meditating, coping skills, podcast, articles, caring a lot, not caring at all, sitting with your feelings, distracting from your feelings, it does't matter what you fucking say, it doesn't matter what you suggest, ANYTHING YOU SUGGEST DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

I will NEVER fucking kill myself. I just WON'T. I won't ever ever ever do it! And I WILL NEVER GET BETTER. I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life. I have to suffer. I HAVE TO FUCKING SUFFER AND IT ISN'T FAIR. I'm 27 fucking years old and I have NEVER been happy. NOT ONCE.
Why does this have to happen to me? WHY? I'VE TRIED SO HARD TO BE BETTER. FOR MYSELF. FOR OTHERS. I try, I try, I try so hard and it all amounts to nothing, I'll hurt and hurt and hurt and nothing works, I'll hurt and hurt and hurt and can't leave the world, I have to take it, I HAVE TO KEEP TAKING THIS PAIN.
I just want to die so badly, I want to so badly. I can't stand it

 

[TheLastYoyo]

I don't know what disorder I have that is causing me to be like this. Just an hour after I wrote that post, a switch flipped. I suddenly had no pain. I was completely indifferent and felt like the me for the past several hours was foreign; completely removed from me. For the next hour, I would switch between these two states, hysterical pain and muted indifference.

I will say that hydroxezine helps a shit ton, and I apparently had been taking a VERY small dose - I was unaware of this. I will be upping the amount I take. I'm currently on 50mg twice a day. Apparently you can do 100mg 4 times a day.

I did lie when I said "i've never been happy". I had a full 1.5 weeks where I felt okay and content with life, thanks to the hydroxesne. But 4 days ago, I started to feel bad again. I'm certain it's because I became tolerant to the medication. I'm pretty sure I'll feel better for a few more weeks as I continue to take more of it, but I do assume that I'll eventually just end up tolerating the max dose and then I'll be at square one again.