Venting Please read this :(

[BlueButterfly111]

So it's been exactly a month now since I ordered my Sn, and my Sn still hasn't arrived yet. I've made a lot of posts about this. I'm still gonna wait to see if it arrives this month, but if it doesn't arrive by the beginning of next month then I'm gonna try to re-order it. I'm not making this post to scare anyone btw, I'm sure if you order Sn it will arrive in 2 weeks like everyone else's did. I think I'm just a cursed human, lol:(

I was hoping that I wouldn't have this problem, why won't the universe just let me die? I'm thinking that this a sign from the universe that I'm supposed to stay alive? I don't want to be here, I'm in so much pain every day. I don't know how to do anything right, and I always make the wrong decisions. I don't know how to be human, and I want to go somewhere else, preferably wherever my dead boyfriend is.

It's ironic that today is a month because I woke up this morning crying because I don't feel like a human. I'm an autistic person who has never gotten help or support or sympathy from anybody. Everything was always my fault, even though I didn't ask to be here.

I also woke up crying this morning because I had a dream last night that I had a beautiful little baby girl with my boyfriend who passed away 7 months ago. I'm not saying that I want a kid, and I would never bring kids into this world, and I'm obviously planning on leaving the world soon if I can. But I do miss my boyfriend so much, it makes me cry every time I have a dream about him. I don't even think it's normal, the connection that I have to him, I miss him so much, I'm so lonely.

I feel like our souls were connected, and maybe he died because he met me and the pain of being apart from me caused him to breakdown, as well as me also. We could never just be happy, he just had to go, and now I want to go too so that I can hopefully be with him again. He was like the male version of me, a true twinflame.

So now that the Sn hasn't arrived yet, I might have to do a couple of things that I was hoping to avoid having to do. I was just so sure that I would've been dead by now! Because most people were saying they received theirs in two weeks or less. And yes, I'm tracking the package on the usps website with the tracking number. It always says, "Your package will arrive later than expected, but it's still on its way. It is currently in transit to the next facility."

I just want to be dead, being a human is so scary, I don't want to do it anymore, I'm tired of waking up. I know I probably sound a little ungrateful, considering that in this time I did get to experience things, and see my boyfriend again in my dreams, which I do think is a blessing. But I really do want to die, so this has just been so painful, I'm just venting.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Most of the people in the US I've seen talking about SN from DMC seem to say it takes a lot longer for them to receive it. I think mine arrived so quickly just because I'm in Europe.

As for the dreams, it's hard, I know. Recently I keep having recurring dreams of being with my partner, apologising to him, and just being happy together. Multiple dreams like that every single night. A week or so ago I dreamt I touched his chest, and it felt so real. My friends asked if I found comfort in these dreams, but honestly I don't. It just reminds me that I'm alone in the real world.

Wishing you the best, I understand your pain.

 

[sadalways]

Feel you on that part about autism. It's really difficult to manage, at least for me. Really makes me feel like i don't belong anywhere. And i'm really sorry about your situation too. It's absolutely heartbreaking from the way you describe it, and i really hope whatever wishes you have that they come true and you find peace. Sending you hugs.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

Most of the people in the US I've seen talking about SN from DMC seem to say it takes a lot longer for them to receive it. I think mine arrived so quickly just because I'm in Europe.

As for the dreams, it's hard, I know. Recently I keep having recurring dreams of being with my partner, apologising to him, and just being happy together. Multiple dreams like that every single night. A week or so ago I dreamt I touched his chest, and it felt so real. My friends asked if I found comfort in these dreams, but honestly I don't. It just reminds me that I'm alone in the real world.

Wishing you the best, I understand your pain.

Thank you so much, that makes me feel better about the Sn!

And I'm so sorry for your loss as well, I know that it's so painful. Yeah, lately for me the dreams have just been a reminder of how much I miss him. Anytime I have them, I just never want to wake up again. I feel your pain on that.

Thank you again for the kind words, and I wish you the best as well!

 

[FuneralCry]

I just want to never wake again as well, I understand finding it painful to exist, I hope you find the peace from suffering you search for.

 

[grapevoid]

I'm sorry for everything you deal with and have been facing. People are extremely uneducated about autism, it's crazy honestly. I have a "friend" on discord who is autistic and she's very open about it. I'm amazed and completely speechless at times by the way people interact with her because alot of her "behaviors" are very consistent with autism. I spend a lot of time there explaining to people that her brain works this way and to be a responsible adult and help her redirect or problem solve instead of attacking her and making things worse. I wish there was a way to better educate the community as a whole on all the types of neurodivergent conditions so people who face them would be better supported. Ugh. What a mess our society is!