Hey everyone. I wish you all the utmost peace possible.
This post is quite long, however it is comprehensive, and with any luck it will be the last significant bit of writing I ever do. To those that read it in its entirety, a sincere Thank You for your patience and perseverance.
So after some years now the nerve pain with which I suffer has deteriorated to the point where I'm rapidly losing my mind. I'm also losing the ability to use my right arm.
I'm at a Nadir where I don't feel happiness anymore. There isn't a single moment now, and it's been years.
I've hit a point of total panic where I know I've got to go very soon. I'm thinking tomorrow night, after I have an important conversation which I have arranged with someone.
METHOD:
I wanted to hold on until I obtained a better method, but the deterioration of my condition has affected my sleep and mental state so badly that I'm being hurried along.
Suicide by Train was never an ideal choice for me, however I'm resigned to the fact that I'm going to have to go this way. I'm simply shutting down.
I feel quite guilty for using this method in lieu of hanging, as I suffer from PTSD and realise that I'm more than likely going to inflict PTSD on the driver. I'm just not strong enough to wait for a hanging death, it takes too long. I need it to be over quickly, I've suffered so much already.
I can't help but feel that the government are at least partly to blame though; it isn't my fault that laws prevent me from obtaining a firearm due to my mental health history. If I could get my hands on one, I'd use that in a secluded area instead and call the police beforehand so that my death doesn't traumatise anyone else.
All I'm asking for is the possibility of a quick death- I've suffered so much physical and psychological pain on this earth.
All the same, I hope that I can somehow atone for this- I hope and pray that I am forgiven. I've never harmed anyone in my life (other than slights such as maybe insulting someone), so the idea that my final act might really hurt someone is rather regretful.
Please pray for this person, I hope that they recover as rapidly and as fully as possible. I'm going to write a note for them apologising, stating how much I appreciate their inadvertent assistance, and tape it to my torso before I go. Hopefully that helps a little.
I'm going to choose a freight train late at night rather than a passenger train in an attempt to minimise the damage. Where I'm doing it doesn't have high foot traffic so I doubt anyone other than the train driver/paramedics/police will find my body.
THOUGHT PROCESS:
Part of me is still in denial- it all feels like a dream that I'm going to wake up from. That my life is going to go back to being bearable, with enough good things to enjoy to keep me functioning. That there'll be enough happiness to sustain me.
I've worked really hard to educate myself, and be of use to others.
I thought that if I just tried hard enough I'd overcome these issues and turn my life around. I had dreams to open a Retreat for addiction and mental health issues. One that utilised music, fun activities, and taught fundamental values of self-love and respect.
But now I understand why so many people die this way. Some mistakes just can't be taken back.
I can't break the promise that I made to myself of growing up and having a good life after watching my ill mother struggle throughout my childhood and receiving no support, financial or otherwise, from my rich, narcissistic Father. Of having a little freedom when all I've had was struggle and strife.
I can't break the promise I made regarding having a decent life after being physically assaulted for no reason at 15, living in chronic pain through what should have been the best years of my life, and having no support to get through it. I even gave up the marijuana addiction I developed to cope with the event and the pain, yet I still don't feel any joy or success.
I can't break the promise I made to enjoy my musical career, for which I showed considerable talent, then having it all taken away from me at the age of 21 for an easily preventable condition caused by poverty and lack of life experience.
All I could count on was Myself, and now that my health has deteriorated I don't even have that anymore. There's no hope of recovery.
APPRECIATION:
I'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read this and respond; you're all facing so many struggles amongst yourselves that the notion of you taking time out to write to me really means a lot, even though we've never met.
If I could help you in your respective situations I would. If I could be there for you as you shuffle off this mortal coil I would. Nobody should have to die alone and in despair. I'm so sorry that I can't do that for you. I wish you self-compassion and warmth in your final days.
Sorry I've taken the liberty of such a long post, but thanks for reading.
SENTIMENTAL THOUGHTS/COMFORTING IDEOLOGY?
Does anyone have anything comforting or helpful to say at this time? Any wisdom such as a quote or piece of philosophy?
I could use something warm to hold in my mind; I keep imagining the train rolling over me, the sound of the whistle and the moment I am crushed and sent spiraling into oblivion to face the Unknown.
I want to go as peacefully as I can, and I don't have many drugs that will make this any easier.
Am also praying for the strength to keep my head down on the rail before the train comes- I really don't want to end up mangled. This needs to work as there's no way I can have an epiphany and survive, these problems will never go away.
PRAYER REQUEST:
MYSELF:
I know it's a little pathetic but please pray for me. I've been on this earth 30 years and this existence is all I've ever known.
I keep revisiting old memories. I keep thinking of experiences I will never have again, as well as others I will never have at all.
All the music I've heard, all the food I've tasted, all that I've seen and thought. All the animals petted, laughs shared and tears shed.
All the sunsets, smiles and hugs. All the drives, both fast and slow.
The warmth of summer, chill of winter. The divine colour of autumn, and the fresh spring rains.
I never got to travel, although I really wanted to. I never left my birthplace of New Zealand, although at least I enjoyed the privilege of being the citizen of such a beautiful, serene country.
Please pray for my safe passage into Peace, and for the fires of regret, anger and anguish to be extinguished before my departure.
MY LOVED ONES:
Please pray for those whom I love-
- That they may forgive my departure, and inability to say goodbye.
- That they may move on from my death as soon as possible to live happy and fulfilled lives.
- That they will find foregiveness in their hearts for my need for peace.
METHOD ADVICE:
The way in which I'm hoping to die is by laying my neck across the track with my legs facing away from it. I figure that decapitation will be a swift death and that some of my organs may be salvageable so that others may benefit.
Am I missing anything? If there's another way that is more effective involving a Train, please share.
Am also planning to take some sleeping pills to help calm me down before the attempt. If there's any medication you recommend then I'm all ears. I'm planning on taking around 300mg of quetiapine, as I have a bunch of this here.
I have never taken this amount in one go (I usually only use 50-100mg for sleep), so am unsure as to whether it is a good amount. I'm worried that if I take any more I might pass out or fail to position myself correctly on the tracks due to intoxication.
The train doesn't take any significant bends around which I might position myself beforehand, so I'm going to have to hide in a bush my the side of the tracks then lay down as the train approaches to avoid them spotting me and possibly stopping/slowing enough for me to jump out the way in time.
Any thoughts?
FINAL REQUEST:
Although many of you are very, very sad, in the event that you survive, that you succeed in turning things around, or that you know of anyone in need of advice or help:
• Look after your health, first and foremost. Seek assistance where needed in order to achieve this.
• Do not make attempts with ineffective means; you may survive to live in a worse Hell. Fight through your depression as best you can in order to obtain the means for a particularly Rainy Day. This may bring you a little peace of mind too- the knowledge that you have a better Exit at your disposal should you need it.
• Hold love in your heart, and foregive others and yourself. If I had foregiven and asked for help sooner, I may have overcome my challenges before my health deteriorated too far to recover.
• Please take care of each other, so that you all may thrive. If you are fortunate enough to have excess funds, please put them to good use; part of the reason I ended up here rather than living a full, happy, helpful life is that there was no family support or oversight in my young teenage years when I was injured. If I'd had an angel to look up to, someone more experienced to show me the way through, maybe I could still be here to do the same for others.
A lack of guidance and support led to mismanagement of rehabilitation, chronic pain and subsequent coping mechanisms. Please don't let that happen to those around you, especially when they're facing permanent consequences and have never navigated the situation before.
Further, I didn't go to the dentist for a few years, which led to severe tooth decay due to my genetics. I underestimated the extent of the damage possible for a non-smoker within just a few short years from age 18 - 21.
This then led to the extraction of a molar tooth (bad advice, a root canal would have been better) which ruined my bite and caused chronic pain in my neck and jaw, which destroyed my career and led to nerve pain.
Please examine the standards of care of those around you- many are not taught self care by their parents and a little advice/help goes a long way in these cases.
Not going to the dentist was normalised in my circles, at that young an age it simply wasn't something I thought about. I took for granted that teeth lasted longer than a few years without realising that adequate maintenance is key, particularly for certain individuals.
• Reach out and support those who are going through a hard time, particularly young people with little or no parental support. Offer your moral and financial support, and guidance, if needed. Set a healthy example for them, so that they may aspire to achieve their potential, and avoid pitfalls. I hope that all of this comes back around to you and the ones you love when you or they need it.
Support the less fortunate so that they too may live the longest, happiest lives possible.
For these things you will be blessed I am sure.
I wish you all well on your journey, be it toward the End or new Beginnings.
In love and compassion,
Max.
This post is quite long, however it is comprehensive, and with any luck it will be the last significant bit of writing I ever do. To those that read it in its entirety, a sincere Thank You for your patience and perseverance.
So after some years now the nerve pain with which I suffer has deteriorated to the point where I'm rapidly losing my mind. I'm also losing the ability to use my right arm.
I'm at a Nadir where I don't feel happiness anymore. There isn't a single moment now, and it's been years.
I've hit a point of total panic where I know I've got to go very soon. I'm thinking tomorrow night, after I have an important conversation which I have arranged with someone.
METHOD:
I wanted to hold on until I obtained a better method, but the deterioration of my condition has affected my sleep and mental state so badly that I'm being hurried along.
Suicide by Train was never an ideal choice for me, however I'm resigned to the fact that I'm going to have to go this way. I'm simply shutting down.
I feel quite guilty for using this method in lieu of hanging, as I suffer from PTSD and realise that I'm more than likely going to inflict PTSD on the driver. I'm just not strong enough to wait for a hanging death, it takes too long. I need it to be over quickly, I've suffered so much already.
I can't help but feel that the government are at least partly to blame though; it isn't my fault that laws prevent me from obtaining a firearm due to my mental health history. If I could get my hands on one, I'd use that in a secluded area instead and call the police beforehand so that my death doesn't traumatise anyone else.
All I'm asking for is the possibility of a quick death- I've suffered so much physical and psychological pain on this earth.
All the same, I hope that I can somehow atone for this- I hope and pray that I am forgiven. I've never harmed anyone in my life (other than slights such as maybe insulting someone), so the idea that my final act might really hurt someone is rather regretful.
Please pray for this person, I hope that they recover as rapidly and as fully as possible. I'm going to write a note for them apologising, stating how much I appreciate their inadvertent assistance, and tape it to my torso before I go. Hopefully that helps a little.
I'm going to choose a freight train late at night rather than a passenger train in an attempt to minimise the damage. Where I'm doing it doesn't have high foot traffic so I doubt anyone other than the train driver/paramedics/police will find my body.
THOUGHT PROCESS:
Part of me is still in denial- it all feels like a dream that I'm going to wake up from. That my life is going to go back to being bearable, with enough good things to enjoy to keep me functioning. That there'll be enough happiness to sustain me.
I've worked really hard to educate myself, and be of use to others.
I thought that if I just tried hard enough I'd overcome these issues and turn my life around. I had dreams to open a Retreat for addiction and mental health issues. One that utilised music, fun activities, and taught fundamental values of self-love and respect.
But now I understand why so many people die this way. Some mistakes just can't be taken back.
I can't break the promise that I made to myself of growing up and having a good life after watching my ill mother struggle throughout my childhood and receiving no support, financial or otherwise, from my rich, narcissistic Father. Of having a little freedom when all I've had was struggle and strife.
I can't break the promise I made regarding having a decent life after being physically assaulted for no reason at 15, living in chronic pain through what should have been the best years of my life, and having no support to get through it. I even gave up the marijuana addiction I developed to cope with the event and the pain, yet I still don't feel any joy or success.
I can't break the promise I made to enjoy my musical career, for which I showed considerable talent, then having it all taken away from me at the age of 21 for an easily preventable condition caused by poverty and lack of life experience.
All I could count on was Myself, and now that my health has deteriorated I don't even have that anymore. There's no hope of recovery.
APPRECIATION:
I'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read this and respond; you're all facing so many struggles amongst yourselves that the notion of you taking time out to write to me really means a lot, even though we've never met.
If I could help you in your respective situations I would. If I could be there for you as you shuffle off this mortal coil I would. Nobody should have to die alone and in despair. I'm so sorry that I can't do that for you. I wish you self-compassion and warmth in your final days.
Sorry I've taken the liberty of such a long post, but thanks for reading.
SENTIMENTAL THOUGHTS/COMFORTING IDEOLOGY?
Does anyone have anything comforting or helpful to say at this time? Any wisdom such as a quote or piece of philosophy?
I could use something warm to hold in my mind; I keep imagining the train rolling over me, the sound of the whistle and the moment I am crushed and sent spiraling into oblivion to face the Unknown.
I want to go as peacefully as I can, and I don't have many drugs that will make this any easier.
Am also praying for the strength to keep my head down on the rail before the train comes- I really don't want to end up mangled. This needs to work as there's no way I can have an epiphany and survive, these problems will never go away.
PRAYER REQUEST:
MYSELF:
I know it's a little pathetic but please pray for me. I've been on this earth 30 years and this existence is all I've ever known.
I keep revisiting old memories. I keep thinking of experiences I will never have again, as well as others I will never have at all.
All the music I've heard, all the food I've tasted, all that I've seen and thought. All the animals petted, laughs shared and tears shed.
All the sunsets, smiles and hugs. All the drives, both fast and slow.
The warmth of summer, chill of winter. The divine colour of autumn, and the fresh spring rains.
I never got to travel, although I really wanted to. I never left my birthplace of New Zealand, although at least I enjoyed the privilege of being the citizen of such a beautiful, serene country.
Please pray for my safe passage into Peace, and for the fires of regret, anger and anguish to be extinguished before my departure.
MY LOVED ONES:
Please pray for those whom I love-
- That they may forgive my departure, and inability to say goodbye.
- That they may move on from my death as soon as possible to live happy and fulfilled lives.
- That they will find foregiveness in their hearts for my need for peace.
METHOD ADVICE:
The way in which I'm hoping to die is by laying my neck across the track with my legs facing away from it. I figure that decapitation will be a swift death and that some of my organs may be salvageable so that others may benefit.
Am I missing anything? If there's another way that is more effective involving a Train, please share.
Am also planning to take some sleeping pills to help calm me down before the attempt. If there's any medication you recommend then I'm all ears. I'm planning on taking around 300mg of quetiapine, as I have a bunch of this here.
I have never taken this amount in one go (I usually only use 50-100mg for sleep), so am unsure as to whether it is a good amount. I'm worried that if I take any more I might pass out or fail to position myself correctly on the tracks due to intoxication.
The train doesn't take any significant bends around which I might position myself beforehand, so I'm going to have to hide in a bush my the side of the tracks then lay down as the train approaches to avoid them spotting me and possibly stopping/slowing enough for me to jump out the way in time.
Any thoughts?
FINAL REQUEST:
Although many of you are very, very sad, in the event that you survive, that you succeed in turning things around, or that you know of anyone in need of advice or help:
• Look after your health, first and foremost. Seek assistance where needed in order to achieve this.
• Do not make attempts with ineffective means; you may survive to live in a worse Hell. Fight through your depression as best you can in order to obtain the means for a particularly Rainy Day. This may bring you a little peace of mind too- the knowledge that you have a better Exit at your disposal should you need it.
• Hold love in your heart, and foregive others and yourself. If I had foregiven and asked for help sooner, I may have overcome my challenges before my health deteriorated too far to recover.
• Please take care of each other, so that you all may thrive. If you are fortunate enough to have excess funds, please put them to good use; part of the reason I ended up here rather than living a full, happy, helpful life is that there was no family support or oversight in my young teenage years when I was injured. If I'd had an angel to look up to, someone more experienced to show me the way through, maybe I could still be here to do the same for others.
A lack of guidance and support led to mismanagement of rehabilitation, chronic pain and subsequent coping mechanisms. Please don't let that happen to those around you, especially when they're facing permanent consequences and have never navigated the situation before.
Further, I didn't go to the dentist for a few years, which led to severe tooth decay due to my genetics. I underestimated the extent of the damage possible for a non-smoker within just a few short years from age 18 - 21.
This then led to the extraction of a molar tooth (bad advice, a root canal would have been better) which ruined my bite and caused chronic pain in my neck and jaw, which destroyed my career and led to nerve pain.
Please examine the standards of care of those around you- many are not taught self care by their parents and a little advice/help goes a long way in these cases.
Not going to the dentist was normalised in my circles, at that young an age it simply wasn't something I thought about. I took for granted that teeth lasted longer than a few years without realising that adequate maintenance is key, particularly for certain individuals.
• Reach out and support those who are going through a hard time, particularly young people with little or no parental support. Offer your moral and financial support, and guidance, if needed. Set a healthy example for them, so that they may aspire to achieve their potential, and avoid pitfalls. I hope that all of this comes back around to you and the ones you love when you or they need it.
Support the less fortunate so that they too may live the longest, happiest lives possible.
For these things you will be blessed I am sure.
I wish you all well on your journey, be it toward the End or new Beginnings.
In love and compassion,
Max.
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