Help Please help me, please

[RawPremadePizza]

I'm totally lost. I'm sad. I don't know what to do. Please help me. I don't have anyone in my life to talk with.
Since six years ago I've been having depressive episodes, due to neglect, to loneliness, not having guidance or a path to follow in my life. I was never one to go outside much, I don't have places to visit, nor family. Most activities in the city are boring, I'm not very interested, so I usually spend time at home, rotting. I have many hobbies, but I...don't do anything, okay? I feel paralyzed, like in a limbo. Now I go outside more, but I'm afraid of everything. I have hopes and dreams, I actually want to live, but I'm so afraid and overwhelmed by life. I don't like people so I don't socialize much, I'm also afraid of their judgements and opinions because I don't stand up for myself, not even internally, I absorb everything from the outside.
I want to be an artist, but I'm afraid of making art. I'm afraid of expressing myself even when I'm alone.

I've had suicidal thoughts and ideations the past month, but didn't go throough with it. I wanted to hang because it would be the most accesible method, but I chickened out, and ended up crying. I barely eat and drink water, barely sleep, so I'm very weak physically and mentally. Even though I want to recover so bad, I just... can't. I try and try and try, nobody understands how much I'm trying, but nothing works!!!!! It's so fucking infuriating...

I made a ''life plan'' or something like that, but honestly I'm not doing anything I proposed. I don't know why because I want to get better, but I'm so tired of trying and feel like everything I do won't ever mean anything. I wonder if there's something wrong with my brain but I don't want to believe in that possibility because it's so catastrophic and won't help me. It's 9 AM now, so a new day. I'm afraid of moving a muscle. I'm so unproductive it's sickening. I can't even function, my muscles are always stiff, my mind is stiff too, like, when I'm doing something I usually freeze and stand totally still for minutes, it's so hard to break from that trance, my mind is foggy and slow. I feel so dumb but I know I'm ill, only that I don't know how to...get better...

I don't have a support system in any way outside ofthis site, no friends, family whom I'm close to, nobody. I talked with like seven therapist these past six years, nobody knew how to help me. I've been taking pills (zoloft) but also didn't work. I don't want to go through therapy again, it didn't work for me. I need to do it myself, but I also need help, so I'm reaching out. So please, help me...

 

[s0ft.bldd]

I know how hard it's that, I've been there

I just want to let you know that you are worth it, you are not dumb, it's a shitty situation that takes years of progress.

Go slow, be patient with yourself, you are starting to do things you aren't used to. Keep up with the life planner, but don't be too rough on yourself. If you are starting to feel overwhelmed or you just do have the strength to do it, take your time, it's a slow process.


I don't know if this might help you, but I draw too. It helps me to focus on what am I feeling and how to express it since I'm not good expressing my thoughts or feelings. I understand you are scared to open up, but it feels amazing once you do it! of course, I repeat, it's a slow process that takes time. If you don't feel motivated, then don't push yourself then.

And something that helped me with my social anxiety was making friends in the internet. I used to get inside group chats that talked about thinks I liked. Maybe it helps you too?

I hoped this helped even if it's a bit…I'm not good expressing myself. Good luck!!

 

[RawPremadePizza]

I know how hard it's that, I've been there

Hi! thank you so much, I appreciate your response <3 I wish I didn't have so many setbacks, or at least to be able to notice them on time, but those things are hidden in my subconscious it seems! When I least expect it I'm already down on the dumps again :(

I journal regularly but I get frustrated by it, it's hard to express emotions that are hidden. I think I will try shadow work but very slowly...
I'll try drawing too! It's been ages since I've drawn anything.

 

[SexyIncél]

I want to be an artist, but I'm afraid of making art. I'm afraid of expressing myself even when I'm alone.

I remember when I voluntarily went to a mental ward. Art therapy was the hardest for me. I'd always come late and sleep at a desk. Until 5 mins before everyone presented their art. Then I'd wake up, grab paper and just scribble something, or break a soft stone. Then I'd show it off, feeling it communicated nothing

A month later, days before I was gonna shotgun my head off, I found "a purpose". Then it unleashed my ability to make art that felt like something. Like, what motivated me is altering people's mental states, in ways they found interesting. People who were bright enough to understand, and caring enough to tell me their thoughts

Then "art" became ANYTHING that increased pleasure. (Fine artists may say this excludes repulsive things, but those too are spectacles that people get some weird pleasure in.) Not these fixed traditions that someone else invented

Dunno if any of this speaks to you. It depends on having an audience, and caring enough about SOME of them (not all, nor even most of them) to have something to say, or ways to increase their pleasure. Even goofy things

 

[Zazacosta]

I understand your situation. There is no working formula for everyone to recover from bad mood.
You are bored. You are depressed. You do not know what to do and you do not have energy for a lot of activities.

What I will suggest to you is not easy, but it is working for some people.
It works for me,. I do not think it is best, it leads to a lot of procrastination, but it helps to lift up the mood. At least.


Boring process:
1) Take a simple paper.
2) Take a pen.
3) Write down a list of everything you like to do.
Brainstorm all possible activities. Do you like chocolate? Do you like drawing? Do you like watching some movies? Do you like walking a park? Do you like reading the Bible? Do you like jumping around trees? Do you like to masturbate? Do you like to feed animals? Do you like playing a tennis? Really everything what comes from your mind.
4) If you do not know what to write, take some list of activities from the internet.

250 Fun Lists To Make When You're Bored

Love making list? This is the ultimate list of list ideas. Fun lists to make for when you are bored.

theintentionhabit.com

5) Underline those actitivities which you think are easy to do for you.

Unboring process:

1) Do so many of those activities you like, until you will feel a little better. Just drug yourself with things you like to do.
2) When you feel better, do 1 thing you do not like to do, but have to do.
3) Repeat the process.