Please help me guys the guilt is killing me

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

so over the last 4 years ive developed an incurable chronic illnes (theres like a shit ton of symptoms) that is debilitating and ruins my life and i have depression anxiety and social anxiety and my entire life has gone to shit because of my condition which makes me more depressed basically i dont wanna die i wish i could be cured but there is no cure for my condition so i have no choice ive made up my mind and i will be ctbing soon and i have 2 issues and i need u guys to offer any suggestions please
1. the guilt is killing me my family is never gonna recover they have always loved me and done so much and for me and the whole "oh but u wont be here when they experience these things" does not help me whatsoever the guilt is killing me i feel like a piece of shit for what im about to do for my family its disgusting
2. I've heard survival instinct is really bad are there any practical ways to overcome it while ctbing what factors influence your ability to overcome SI
im gonna be using SN
and yes ive tried treatment ive tried ketamine infusion therapy meds and ive been to 7 therapists and for 4 years straight ive been trying everything in my power to get better but this condition of mine robbed me of my life my life used to be amazing before this i had everything i wanted and everything was going well and then poof all gone so please dont tell me to seek help guys i hope u can help thank u for reading the whole thing if u did

 

[coffeebeany]

I m so sorry that you are going through so much pain and distress. A horrible situation to be in. I sympathize with you a lot. I am also in chronic pain due to illness (no cure). From what you write it sounds like you love your family very much and they must love you, too. Guilt is a tricky and normal feeling in a situation like this I believe. I think most of or a lot of us deal with leaving loved ones behind and what our actions will do to them. We would love to spare them these feelings. I think for me the "I won't be here when they grieve" is only a small part of coping with my guilt. What I know is that my partner and friends love me. And I know I will hurt them and I take full accountability for that part. But I also know that loss, grieve and pain are part of life. I hope they will forgive me because they know I am in much pain and a horrible situation. I hope they remember that I fought as long as I could and I loved them. I hope they find some solace that I am no longer in pain. And I know that it is their right to be sad, grieve and even feel anger. This helps with my feelings of grieve.

As vor survival instinct (SI). There are benzodiazepines that will ease anxiety and may help with SI.

 

[Anhaedra]

My family is the only reason Im still here so I understand. I have loving parents and siblings. I know they won't recover from it ever (or for a very long time.)

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

I m so sorry that you are going through so much pain and distress. A horrible situation to be in. I sympathize with you a lot. I am also in chronic pain due to illness (no cure). From what you write it sounds like you love your family very much and they must love you, too. Guilt is a tricky and normal feeling in a situation like this I believe. I think most of or a lot of us deal with leaving loved ones behind and what our actions will do to them. We would love to spare them this feeling. I think for me the "I won't be here when they grieve" is only a small part of coping with my guilt. What I know is that my partner and friends love me. And I know I will hurt them and I take full accountability for that part. But I also know that loss, grieve and pain are part of life. I hope they will forgive me because they know I am in much pain and a horrible situation. I hope they remember that I fought as long as I could and I loved them. I hope they find some solace that I am no longer in pain. And I know that it is their right to be sad, grieve and even feel anger. This helps with my feelings of grieve.

As vor survival instinct (SI). There are benzodiazepines that will ease anxiety and may help with SI.

yup i can only hope they'll forgive me thanks for responding. Im scared that the benzos might knock me out

My family is the only reason Im still here so I understand. I have loving parents and siblings. I know they won't recover from it ever (or for a very long time.)

it truly does suck

 

[coffeebeany]

. Im scared that the benzos might knock me out

Yes this is a fair point and this could lead to a failed attempt. Have you ever taken Benzos or do you access?

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

Yes this is a fair point and this could lead to a failed attempt. Have you ever taken Benzos or do you access?

I think i mightve taken benzos in the past i dont remember and i could probably just book an appointment with a psych and get benzos

 

[coffeebeany]

I think i mightve taken benzos in the past i dont remember and i could probably just book an appointment with a psych and get benzos

If you get a subscription you could test how your body reacts. I ve taken some for anxiety and they helped. Don't know how much is too much but at least you ll have an idea. There are also a few posts about Benzos in this forum so I would definitely look them up.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm so sorry to hear of you're situation.
I get it. I've tried everything too. Alcohol could help SI.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so horrible, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[NegevChina]

so over the last 4 years ive developed an incurable chronic illnes (theres like a shit ton of symptoms) that is debilitating and ruins my life and i have depression anxiety and social anxiety and my entire life has gone to shit because of my condition which makes me more depressed basically i dont wanna die i wish i could be cured but there is no cure for my condition so i have no choice ive made up my mind and i will be ctbing soon and i have 2 issues and i need u guys to offer any suggestions please
1. the guilt is killing me my family is never gonna recover they have always loved me and done so much and for me and the whole "oh but u wont be here when they experience these things" does not help me whatsoever the guilt is killing me i feel like a piece of shit for what im about to do for my family its disgusting
2. I've heard survival instinct is really bad are there any practical ways to overcome it while ctbing what factors influence your ability to overcome SI
im gonna be using SN
and yes ive tried treatment ive tried ketamine infusion therapy meds and ive been to 7 therapists and for 4 years straight ive been trying everything in my power to get better but this condition of mine robbed me of my life my life used to be amazing before this i had everything i wanted and everything was going well and then poof all gone so please dont tell me to seek help guys i hope u can help thank u for reading the whole thing if u did

I'm so sorry you feel like that. I totally understand the guilt because i'm dealing with the same feeling towards my frailly and children. My condition is getting worse from day to day. But I do understand that for them to see me deteriorate and may be hospitalized can be much worse. I still didnt reach rock bottom but I'm about to and I dont want them to witness me like that.

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

If you get a subscription you could test how your body reacts. I ve taken some for anxiety and they helped. Don't know how much is too much but at least you ll have an idea. There are also a few posts about Benzos in this forum so I would definitely look them up.

ah oki thanks are there any ways of overcoming SI without benzos btw

I'm so sorry to hear of you're situation.
I get it. I've tried everything too. Alcohol could help SI.

its ok. Thank you <3

That must be so horrible, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.

thank u man

I'm so sorry you feel like that. I totally understand the guilt because i'm dealing with the same feeling towards my frailly and children. My condition is getting worse from day to day. But I do understand that for them to see me deteriorate and may be hospitalized can be much worse. I still didnt reach rock bottom but I'm about to and I dont want them to witness me like that.

thank u man i hope things get better for u

 

[coffeebeany]

oki thanks are there any ways of overcoming SI without benzos btw

That I don't know unfortunately. Someone here mentioned alcohol and I think that would probably help with SI. But you said your method of choice would be SN and it's not advised to drink alcohol. Vomiting with SN is already not unlikely and alcohol could just further upset your stomach.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry to hear of you're situation.
I get it. I've tried everything too. Alcohol could help SI.

I don't think alcohol is advisable with the SN method. Kind of like taking two poisons- I'm guessing the risk of vomiting increases. But, I guess it could help to numb out the worry on the approach to it.

But definitely, the thought of what it could do to loved ones is very hard to get over. Personally, I can't get over it. I don't feel like I can go while my Dad is still alive. But then, I'm more fortunate than others in that I do feel like I can (begrudgingly) carry on for now.

Sometimes, I wonder what I'd do if I couldn't. If things took a real nose dive. Sometimes I wonder if I could try and make him see why he would need to let me go. I doubt that's realistic for many of us though and it puts us at risk of being sectioned and then, closely monitored. So, it probably isn't adviseable. I'm sorry. It's such a difficult thing to struggle with.

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

That I don't know unfortunately. Someone here mentioned alcohol and I think that would probably help with SI. But you said your method of choice would be SN and it's not advised to drink alcohol. Vomiting with SN is already not unlikely and alcohol could just further upset your stomach.

oki thank you

I don't think alcohol is advisable with the SN method. Kind of like taking two poisons- I'm guessing the risk of vomiting increases. But, I guess it could help to numb out the worry on the approach to it.

But definitely, the thought of what it could do to loved ones is very hard to get over. Personally, I can't get over it. I don't feel like I can go while my Dad is still alive. But then, I'm more fortunate than others in that I do feel like I can (begrudgingly) carry on for now.

Sometimes, I wonder what I'd do if I couldn't. If things took a real nose dive. Sometimes I wonder if I could try and make him see why he would need to let me go. I doubt that's realistic for many of us though and it puts us at risk of being sectioned and then, closely monitored. So, it probably isn't adviseable. I'm sorry. It's such a difficult thing to struggle with.

yup ill avoid alcohol and yeah its definitely tough i hope things get better for u man <3

 

[Leiot]

The guilt is natural - you love them and don't want to hurt them. So it really comes down to a question of whether your pain is greater than theirs would be. Is there any way you can reduce yours? Even a little? I don't have an incurable illness but I do have chronic pain that will never go away.

I set a date some time in the future. Then I think about everything I want to do or say before I go. People I haven't spoken with in a long time, or maybe visit some place or something. Long term I've decided that I'm sticking around until my cats are gone. I don't trust anyone to take care of them and it's worth it to me to put up with the pain that long.

 

[BeijaFlor]

i truly wish i could relate...

but, thats one of the issues i (un?)fortunatly dont have; people to worry about.

it would be really nice if, we could just be honest n talk to our relatives about how we're feeling, n our choices about the matter but...

i guess it doenst usually work like that

a suicidals burden, to carry it alone till the last moment... it fucking sucks.

theres no avoiding it tho, the shock it will cause, thats something you gotta deal with

what you need to figure out tho, is how certain you feel about it, if its truly the best for you n, bottom line, how long are you willing to keep going like this?

thats the key question, i mean... theres only one way not to traumatize your family, n that is by not CTB'ing at all so...

you need to find a resolution thats best for you

 

[CatLvr]

My family is the only reason Im still here so I understand. I have loving parents and siblings. I know they won't recover from it ever (or for a very long time.)

This is what I was going to say. My children would NEVER get over me crb-ing. I have had chronic pain and auto-immune issues their entire lives so they don't know the me that wants so desperately to just go to sleep and never wake up. They only know the me that gets up and fights like a cornered cat every damned day. So, until something really drastic changes (like I get a diagnosis of a dementia type condition, or a terminal condition that will take me sooner rather than later) I will stay here.

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

The guilt is natural - you love them and don't want to hurt them. So it really comes down to a question of whether your pain is greater than theirs would be. Is there any way you can reduce yours? Even a little? I don't have an incurable illness but I do have chronic pain that will never go away.

I set a date some time in the future. Then I think about everything I want to do or say before I go. People I haven't spoken with in a long time, or maybe visit some place or something. Long term I've decided that I'm sticking around until my cats are gone. I don't trust anyone to take care of them and it's worth it to me to put up with the pain that long.

i mean i get that but i dont really wanna compare when it comes to my pain sure right now it might not compare but its over a really long period of time and its incurable i dont really wanna compare because ultimately its not me against them we're all in this together but i appreciate the reply man thank you it definitely gave me something to think about

i truly wish i could relate...

but, thats one of the issues i (un?)fortunatly dont have; people to worry about.

it would be really nice if, we could just be honest n talk to our relatives about how we're feeling, n our choices about the matter but...

i guess it doenst usually work like that

a suicidals burden, to carry it alone till the last moment... it fucking sucks.

theres no avoiding it tho, the shock it will cause, thats something you gotta deal with

what you need to figure out tho, is how certain you feel about it, if its truly the best for you n, bottom line, how long are you willing to keep going like this?

thats the key question, i mean... theres only one way not to traumatize your family, n that is by not CTB'ing at all so...

you need to find a resolution thats best for you

well im just trying to set my family up with support systems at this point i told my therapist to provide them with grief resources when im gone and i 100% agree i wish i could be fully open about it but it sucks there literally no one to talk to about it and i think unfortunately its not about how much i have left in me maybe if my illness was curable or not as debilitating i could consider but i know for a fact i have a horrible futurure with my current condition :( i absolutely do love my family i just hate my condition at the same time it does suck

 

[ozymandias1]

1. the guilt is killing me my family is never gonna recover they have always loved me and done so much and for me and the whole "oh but u wont be here when they experience these things" does not help me whatsoever the guilt is killing me i feel like a piece of shit for what im about to do for my family its disgusting

Write a suicide note that explains that you love them, care for them, and appreciate them and that you feel guilty about what you're about to put them through but you've been suffering for too long and that you need to do this. That is if you do decide to go through with it. Just to be clear, I'm not at all telling you to go through with it.

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

Write a suicide note that explains that you love them, care for them, and appreciate them and that you feel guilty about what you're about to put them through but you've been suffering for too long and that you need to do this. That is if you do decide to go through with it. Just to be clear, I'm not at all telling you to go through with it.

yup i am planning to leave a note even if it doesnt reach them i told my therapist to convey it to them because that is the truth i do love them im only doing this because of my condition it is not a reflection of my love for them