Venting Please help.. Im so tired yall...Cant die yet tho

[Dawn0071111]

I feel hopless. I feel worthless. I hate myself so much for being a god damned failure. My CBT is more of a self-murder than seeking peace from suffering although it is that also. I just need more time to write letters, finish finances, & wait for meto to come in mail. Will take about 2 weeks or less. Im tired yall. Im sooo over living & i feel GUILTY about wanting to die when Ive been given opportunity to live... therapy, place to live, food... but what good is all that if I have no LOVE? No connection, belonging, family, freindship? Obviously, not having these things by 40 ... I am guilty. I must die. I have been given a chance to change, to live, but all I want is to throw in the towel. I can succeed at giving up. Its what I do best. I just don't have the drive to endure & persevere. Not without a love to bond to. I feel like so pathetic. Gotta wait till Meto comes in mail.

 

[oopswronglife]

Obviously, not having these things by 40 ... I am guilty. I must die

Nope...not guilty. It's so common to turn the blame for all our suffering inwards. That's rarely ever the truth and never entirely when there is any truth to it at all. Most people in the West suffer those isolations as they age and family leave and friends die off...along with the normal pains of aging. Some of us were just "lucky" to be early adopters and get in on the VIP plan. It's not a testament to your value or worth or "deservedness". That's just the pain trying to find a victim that cannot fight back. I know KNOWING this doesn't make life wonderful...but it does help to endure what we've got. Maybe that's enough...maybe not...but nobody deserves this. Ultimately every person has the right to keep living or not in my view. I am not saying you HAVE to keep playing the game...I just think its a shame when clearly kind and decent people leave the world as we need more of them not less.

 

[JimFord99]

In a way, having no friends, no partner, no family means no baggage if you already have decided to CTB. At no point should you feel guilty about it. This is you decision, yours only. Nobody should talk you out of it or in to it. Don't feel pathetic. We all went through this phase as well. Don't get hysterical about it, please?

 

[bigj75]

In a way, having no friends, no partner, no family means no baggage if you already have decided to CTB. At no point should you feel guilty about it. This is you decision, yours only. Nobody should talk you out of it or in to it. Don't feel pathetic. We all went through this phase as well. Don't get hysterical about it, please?

very true. better to not have any baggage.

 

[JimFord99]

Yeah, makes the exit painless (emotionally speaking) and free of guilt.

 

[Sharethepain]

The guilt part always hits home, it reminds me of the last sentence from someone's suicide note.

"How can we forgive ourselves, for all the things we did not become?"

Seeing the beauty of the world around us, all the possibilities, yet being unable to attain any of them, is truly the greatest sorrow.

 

[oopswronglife]

Yeah, makes the exit painless (emotionally speaking) and free of guilt.

You'd think so but it really doesn't. The only real practical benefit from being alone is opportunity. It doesn't make it any easier mentally. My belief is none of us really WANT to go not even those who say its their strongest desire.. rather .we are pushed there by pain of whatever type. That means no matter how "perfect" the circumstances of that departure it will be a loss. I am quite sure even those who seem calm and accepting have those emotions swirling around their head and are just trying to cope as best they can.

 

[JimFord99]

Of course, you are right, there is always some sort of emotion ( I call it melancholy ) involved, but all in all, it is easier this way.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Nope...not guilty. It's so common to turn the blame for all our suffering inwards. That's rarely ever the truth and never entirely when there is any truth to it at all. Most people in the West suffer those isolations as they age and family leave and friends die off...along with the normal pains of aging. Some of us were just "lucky" to be early adopters and get in on the VIP plan. It's not a testament to your value or worth or "deservedness". That's just the pain trying to find a victim that cannot fight back. I know KNOWING this doesn't make life wonderful...but it does help to endure what we've got. Maybe that's enough...m9aybe not...but nobody deserves this. Ultimately every person has the right to keep living or not in my view. I am not saying you HAVE to keep playing the game...I just think its a shame when clearly kind and decent people leave the world as we need more of them not less.

I just broke down weeping to read the last line of your reply....I am having a hard time creating a response that matches the bittersweet oain inside. The confusion. I honestly for the first time can't tell, how nice and kind I am ir if its all jyst been a cover for sinister, covert evil. What I mean by evil.isn't somuch in the common actions one would think when a tribute and evil such as murder rape deriving pleasure from others sufferings... but more of a deep seated self centeredness that constantly seeks to meet tthese painful unmet needs if mine fir attention, empathy, connection.... I know Im alone cause I can't see people as people but only those who can add to my happiness. It disgusts me to be this way, I dont think therapy can change my nature. To forever be an emotional scavenger... and since Im not a predator or manipulator, Ive really lost out... i dont know how to cope, let alone thrive in this world. Are you a lot of people that say "life is hard".. umm okay. And these very same people try to convince me to stay here I just don't get it. Sorry for the rent I started to digress I also wanted to address you saying that none of this stuff isn't an indication my deservednedd or worth I really appreciate you saying that. I just wish I could know its true. I honestly don't think I believe in the inherent worth of human beings it's not anything that I was ever taught I always was taught that a human's worth of value comes from either what they can produce or how they can be of use so unfortunately like I said I think that having this ingrained in me from such a young age is part of what ruined me. I grew up in a culture that told me that I only had value if I looked a certain way and other things and that took a hold so much that now that those things didn't come to pass I realize that I just don't have a core there's nothing there.... it's really sad cuz I agree perhaps if I had have maybe gotten that VIP plan I could have been more of a benefit to this life and others I know that I've always loved to help people and suffering but now that I'm suffering I'm all by myself. I will say that because I want people to be all pitying me I'm just stating a fact. I guess I just come here because it's the first place that I can share how much I want to die and not be condemned for saying it's so for anyone who responds to all of my posts you have gratitude from the bottom of whatever heart I have left.
Actually

In a way, having no friends, no partner, no family means no baggage if you already have decided to CTB. At no point should you feel guilty about it. This is you decision, yours only. Nobody should talk you out of it or in to it. Don't feel pathetic. We all went through this phase as well. Don't get hysterical about it, please?

Actually The Twist of my tail is that I have been married all this time even through my trauma last summer which involved another man I didn't cheat and everyone knew about it me and my husband pretty much have been in like a roommate friend marriage for almost a decade he's the sweetest person... he's taking care of me and supported me through all of this. Both of us admitted in the end that it was a bad idea for us to get married that we should have stayed friends but we both were lonely and kind of probably thought we couldn't do any better only thing is I was never attracted to her had any chemistry I settled when I married him and try to be the best wife that I could. We never had children I did the laundry cooked packed in his lunch and we slept in separate rooms and then one day I just couldn't take it anymore. No job no friends no life no passion no sex and it overtook me and I met someone last summer and of course it had to be literally like the worst person in the world and I ended up getting traumatized and now I have PTSD and I'm suicidal and I feel like this is the one Thai this is the one person that will be devastated and crushed when I catch the bus and it's so sucks. I want you to know I understand that when you asked me not to be hysterical that you're not trying to be condemning... probably because you understand that making a decision like this one should try to be as calm as possible cuz it's just going to be worse if we're all psycho and crazy..... so probably I just share this so you can see the weight of the guilt in the decision that I have to make between deciding what's really best for me and leaving behind the one person who is made over a decade of sacrifice to just help me and take care of me and the entire time me feeling empty and not having any bonding towards them and having to use all the energy Within Myself just to scrape up any positive regard for him.. all the wild pining for someone who treated me like trash with three months and that's why I feel like I just got to get out of here that the world would be better off without a womany like me around.. but yes other than that you're right we not having all these ties means a lot less people who will suffer they'll be a few but pretty much everybody's been hearing about my problems for a long time now and even though they'll be sad no one will be surprised
Actually

In a way, having no friends, no partner, no family means no baggage if you already have decided to CTB. At no point should you feel guilty about it. This is you decision, yours only. Nobody should talk you out of it or in to it. Don't feel pathetic. We all went through this phase as well. Don't get hysterical about it, please?

Actually The Twist of my tail is that I have been married all this time even through my trauma last summer which involved another man I didn't cheat and everyone knew about it me and my husband pretty much have been in like a roommate friend marriage for almost a decade he's the sweetest person... he's taking care of me and supported me through all of this. Both of us admitted in the end that it was a bad idea for us to get married that we should have stayed friends but we both were lonely and kind of probably thought we couldn't do any better only thing is I was never attracted to her had any chemistry I settled when I married him and try to be the best wife that I could. We never had children I did the laundry cooked packed in his lunch and we slept in separate rooms and then one day I just couldn't take it anymore. No job no friends no life no passion no sex and it overtook me and I met someone last summer and of course it had to be literally like the worst person in the world and I ended up getting traumatized and now I have PTSD and I'm suicidal and I feel like this is the one Thai this is the one person that will be devastated and crushed when I catch the bus and it's so sucks. I want you to know I understand that when you asked me not to be hysterical that you're not trying to be condemning... probably because you understand that making a decision like this one should try to be as calm as possible cuz it's just going to be worse if we're all psycho and crazy..... so probably I just share this so you can see the weight of the guilt in the decision that I have to make between deciding what's really best for me and leaving behind the one person who is made over a decade of sacrifice to just help me and take care of me and the entire time me feeling empty and not having any bonding towards them and having to use all the energy Within Myself just to scrape up any positive regard for him.. all the wild pining for someone who treated me like trash with three months and that's why I feel like I just got to get out of here that the world would be better off without a womany like me around.. but yes other than that you're right we not having all these ties means a lot less people who will suffer they'll be a few but pretty much everybody's been hearing about my problems for a long time now and even though they'll be sad no one will be surprised

 

[oopswronglife]

but more of a deep seated self centeredness that constantly seeks to meet tthese painful unmet needs if mine fir attention, empathy, connection.

That's being human...not a defect. We all want those things....NEED them.

I know Im alone cause I can't see people as people but only those who can add to my happiness.

I don't believe you and think this is more turning pain in on yourself. You clearly aren't someone who just uses people for the benefits. Seeking out those who are good isn't wrong.

To forever be an emotional scavenger... and since Im not a predator or manipulator, Ive really lost out.

This is WHY its obvious you aren't a user scumbag...you suffer because you think those who do prey and manipulate are having better lives and you can't bring yourself to do that. That's not a bad thing...its speaks well of you.

I'm repeating myself but people so often turn things on themselves...the victim/target they know can't fight back. If you attack others they will react...hurt you in defense. If you attack yourself you THINK that's better because you can't do anything...but your mind and body reacts in defense.

 

[Dawn0071111]

The guilt part always hits home, it reminds me of the last sentence from someone's suicide note.

"How can we forgive ourselves, for all the things we did not become?"

Seeing the beauty of the world around us, all the possibilities, yet being unable to attain any of them, is truly the greatest sorrow.

especially when you have people always telling you that you could have been obtained them if you really wanted to but that you chose not to.... the invalidation is just crushing it's so isolating. I just don't understand why some people insist that I'm able to do something..... they tell me that it's all in my head and I just need a mindset shift.... and well I can't deny the validity of that.... if that's the case I could just change my mindset about everything and never need anything in the world I could just be a monk in a cave somewhere and never need food lover to f****** even use the toilet who just changed my f****** mind and make it all happen whatever...lololol....

You'd think so but it really doesn't. The only real practical benefit from being alone is opportunity. It doesn't make it any easier mentally. My belief is none of us really WANT to go not even those who say its their strongest desire.. rather .we are pushed there by pain of whatever type. That means no matter how "perfect" the circumstances of that departure it will be a loss. I am quite sure even those who seem calm and accepting have those emotions swirling around their head and are just trying to cope as best they can.

I agree. Im sitting in my kitchen in the middle if the day isolated & lonely... crying and weeping so much.. thiking that Im going to die. . IM sad about dying. The uncertainty of it, my wilingness to take on my grestest fear..uncertainty to get away from the certainty of suffering in this life. Even though there are birds, sunshine, rollerskating... Im sticken that I have to go... of course I dont want to die, but I truly dont see any other way out for someone like me. Someone who wants to be saved and taken care of... to be a little girl for the rest of her life in a big scary, nasty world... and if course. . Im no angel either... But yeah... its gonna take a lot of music, alcohol and sedatives for me to excecute that final moment. I chose a method with no turnig back... even ifI panic or have a flash of regret takig my last breaths... I trust the blackness will come like sleep..unconsciousness...
Hmmm. This is

That's being human...not a defect. We all want those things....NEED them.



I don't believe you and think this is more turning pain in on yourself. You clearly aren't someone who just uses people for the benefits. Seeking out those who are good isn't wrong.



This is WHY its obvious you aren't a user scumbag...you suffer because you think those who do prey and manipulate are having better lives and you can't bring yourself to do that. That's not a bad thing...its speaks well of you.

I'm repeating myself but people so often turn things on themselves...the victim/target they know can't fight back. If you attack others they will react...hurt you in defense. If you attack yourself you THINK that's better because you can't do anything...but your mind and body reacts in defense.
[/QUOTE

Wow, this is a very interesting take on "tuning inwards" I knew I was doing that, but you seem to have a good understanding of this phenomonon, scarily so...lol. I almost wanted to say out loud.."Umm how do you know me so well?..." Its true, its just easier for me to put it all on myself. i cant be bothered with all the dramam that comes with trying to ask people to be accountable to me. Fuck it. And yes, I do think that those who hustle and manipulte and con others have better lives. I think of my perpetrator------ How even though he leaves a string of victims in his wake...he always has a list of those waiting. How fucking god damned unfair. What I would do to have a bunch of guys clamoring just for a drop of me...and I just get used and thrown away like apiece of trash. I just dont get it. I tried all the courses of assertiveness, how to love myself, how to be a confident bitchy woman..all that nonesense... and here I am still the same fucking delicate, flower child, who wants her identity to be in the eye of her king, her man and oh boy does the world look down on that! But wow, reading your reply was startling to me, only because yeah............. And I do wish I could be like that. I predator. Thats how lonely, empty, unfulfiiled I am... that I wish I could turn even to evil to just feel like I am okay. And since of course I cant really do that either. I see CTB as a perfectly legitimate option.... Maybe I'm crazy, maybe its "the depression talking" - but you know, why doesn't society honor just being TIRED as a legitimate reason to die?

Its like our culture wants everybodys life to be a god damned Rocky Movie..... lol. "Dont give up before the miracal happens..." I've been told. If a mirace happens before I get these Meto pills in the mail, great. I wont fight it. The funny thing is, like you said: We all need those things..... SO why soooo many of us end up wth none? Its so wierd!!! lol

 

[GreyMonkey]

I hear how much pain and anguish you are in dawn. It sounds excruciating.

It's venting here helping? Feel free to continue if it is.

I hear you. It hurts. It feels hopeless.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Don't feel guilty, wanting to die isn't a bad thing. It's society that makes us think it is. Nothing seems worth it to me, I'm just waiting. I'm never satisfied with what I have right now, the family and people who love just isn't enough. I honestly feel unloved and just not good enough, even though it looks like I'm fine externally. I have tears in my eyes from reading your words. I want to give up and I'm only 20. I need love and affection, I'll die without it. I hope you find peace.

 

[I’vehadenough]

I feel hopless. I feel worthless. I hate myself so much for being a god damned failure. My CBT is more of a self-murder than seeking peace from suffering although it is that also. I just need more time to write letters, finish finances, & wait for meto to come in mail. Will take about 2 weeks or less. Im tired yall. Im sooo over living & i feel GUILTY about wanting to die when Ive been given opportunity to live... therapy, place to live, food... but what good is all that if I have no LOVE? No connection, belonging, family, freindship? Obviously, not having these things by 40 ... I am guilty. I must die. I have been given a chance to change, to live, but all I want is to throw in the towel. I can succeed at giving up. Its what I do best. I just don't have the drive to endure & persevere. Not without a love to bond to. I feel like so pathetic. Gotta wait till Meto comes in mail.

Imagine going through what you are going through, then a doctor gives you a medicine that disfigures your face so bad, you can't leave the house...then you have me. Also 40, ready to die now

 

[scorpiooo2]

"How can we forgive ourselves, for all the things we did not become?"

A truly haunting but beautiful quote.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Oh my

Imagine going through what you are going through, then a doctor gives you a medicine that disfigures your face so bad, you can't leave the house...then you have me. Also 40, ready to die now

Oh my God... I could not imagine it, the face is so important.... I know your in pain and fuck it mode. Im so sorry for your unfortunate tragedy. If u ever need support Im here 4 u.

Huggz

 

[eve2004]

Yeah, makes the exit painless (emotionally speaking) and free of guilt.

I've spent the last 3 years getting rid of everyone emotionally so I have zero guilt now. Even my psych and therapist probably wish I'd just do it and get it over with. At least thats the vibe I am getting.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I hear how much pain and anguish you are in dawn. It sounds excruciating.

It's venting here helping? Feel free to continue if it is.

I hear you. It hurts. It feels hopeless.

It really is. I post when I get to a breaking point & cant carry out a plan.... Coming here and seeing if someone responds to my post & replying to others posts is what I live for in the emptiness & crushing pain. Ill keep checking my phone or computer... My heart lights up when I see the little "bell" icon has a number by it.

 

[eve2004]

@Dawn0071111
"Im sitting in my kitchen in the middle if the day isolated & lonely... crying and weeping so much.."

I feel you... Hope you find some consolation and comfort here on this forum. Even a timy bit helps get through each moment which seems to last an eternity...

 

[Dawn0071111]

Don't feel guilty, wanting to die isn't a bad thing. It's society that makes us think it is. Nothing seems worth it to me, I'm just waiting. I'm never satisfied with what I have right now, the family and people who love just isn't enough. I honestly feel unloved and just not good enough, even though it looks like I'm fine externally. I have tears in my eyes from reading your words. I want to give up and I'm only 20. I need love and affection, I'll die without it. I hope you find peace.

Im so sorry hun... My first attempt was 14. I uderstand. There are,many thories as to why we have the emotional constitution...
Childhood, mental illness, etc. Etc etc. But at the end of the day, what can fix us? We are the way we are & it seems to be at odds with the world we live in so we simply want to leave this world.... I send you love from my heart. Im so sorry you feel so unloved & alone, that maybe you feel that its something within yourself? It should be simpler. Our societies are overrun with busyness and achievement..
. We all need the same thing... love. But there is so much dysfunction in the modern world, many act counter productive to thier own needs. A lot of us just fall by the wayside... I hope you find love, happiness....

Or see you on the other side perhaps..

So much love, light &huggs to you.

@Dawn0071111
"Im sitting in my kitchen in the middle if the day isolated & lonely... crying and weeping so much.."

I feel you... Hope you find some consolation and comfort here on this forum. Even a timy bit helps get through each moment which seems to last an eternity...

I really do Eve, its funny. I never thought it would come to this... Im on an underground suicide site & I feel comfortable here. Yes... its better with those who understand. Thank u

 

[sadgirl2002]

Im so sorry hun... My first attempt was 14. I uderstand. There are,many thories as to why we have the emotional constitution...
Childhood, mental illness, etc. Etc etc. But at the end of the day, what can fix us? We are the way we are & it seems to be at odds with the world we live in so we simply want to leave this world.... I send you love from my heart. Im so sorry you feel so unloved & alone, that maybe you feel that its something within yourself? It should be simpler. Our societies are overrun with busyness and achievement..
. We all need the same thing... love. But there is so much dysfunction in the modern world, many act counter productive to thier own needs. A lot of us just fall by the wayside... I hope you find love, happiness....

Or see you on the other side perhaps..

So much love, light &huggs to you.

I've been suicidal and depressed since I was 13 but I honesty feel like I was depressed as a child too. I guess I only realised I was depressed at the age of 13. You're right, my yearning for love is probably for many reasons; some being my childhood and mental illness like you said. I don't belong here, I never wanted to live. This world is full of chaos and tragedy and I feel overburdened. I send you love from my heart. I hope you can be happy soon. It's definitely something inside of me but also because of the way my life has been. I just want that love that I have longed for ever since I was 13. I'm not asking for too much. Thank you so much, I hope you are able to find love, happiness and peace. And if I do end my life, I hope to see you on the other side, full of joy. Lots of love and hugs <3

 

[Dawn0071111]

I've been suicidal and depressed since I was 13 but I honesty feel like I was depressed as a child too. I guess I only realised I was depressed at the age of 13. You're right, my yearning for love is probably for many reasons; some being my childhood and mental illness like you said. I don't belong here, I never wanted to live. This world is full of chaos and tragedy and I feel overburdened. I send you love from my heart. I hope you can be happy soon. It's definitely something inside of me but also because of the way my life has been. I just want that love that I have longed for ever since I was 13. I'm not asking for too much. Thank you so much, I hope you are able to find love, happiness and peace. And if I do end my life, I hope to see you on the other side, full of joy. Lots of love and hugs <3

No your not asking for too much..... It hurts my heart to read your reply.... I wish I could scoop up all of the unloved people and just sprinkle of dust on us so that we could just become happy and go on to live the lives that we deserve.....❤please keep in touch.

 

[sadgirl2002]

No your not asking for too much..... It hurts my heart to read your reply.... I wish I could scoop up all of the unloved people and just sprinkle of dust on us so that we could just become happy and go on to live the lives that we deserve.....❤please keep in touch.

It upsets me how we haven't got that love yet. I wish I could do the same for you. Of course, feel free to message me whenever you like

 

[wendydong1]

it's totally weird that even though we have people that love us unconditionally in our lives, for me, it's my parents and my dog. Yet we crave the love that we can't get or the one that hurts us the most..

 

[Doomcat]

I just broke down weeping to read the last line of your reply....I am having a hard time creating a response that matches the bittersweet oain inside. The confusion. I honestly for the first time can't tell, how nice and kind I am ir if its all jyst been a cover for sinister, covert evil. What I mean by evil.isn't somuch in the common actions one would think when a tribute and evil such as murder rape deriving pleasure from others sufferings... but more of a deep seated self centeredness that constantly seeks to meet tthese painful unmet needs if mine fir attention, empathy, connection.... I know Im alone cause I can't see people as people but only those who can add to my happiness. It disgusts me to be this way, I dont think therapy can change my nature. To forever be an emotional scavenger... and since Im not a predator or manipulator, Ive really lost out... i dont know how to cope, let alone thrive in this world. Are you a lot of people that say "life is hard".. umm okay. And these very same people try to convince me to stay here I just don't get it. Sorry for the rent I started to digress I also wanted to address you saying that none of this stuff isn't an indication my deservednedd or worth I really appreciate you saying that. I just wish I could know its true. I honestly don't think I believe in the inherent worth of human beings it's not anything that I was ever taught I always was taught that a human's worth of value comes from either what they can produce or how they can be of use so unfortunately like I said I think that having this ingrained in me from such a young age is part of what ruined me. I grew up in a culture that told me that I only had value if I looked a certain way and other things and that took a hold so much that now that those things didn't come to pass I realize that I just don't have a core there's nothing there.... it's really sad cuz I agree perhaps if I had have maybe gotten that VIP plan I could have been more of a benefit to this life and others I know that I've always loved to help people and suffering but now that I'm suffering I'm all by myself. I will say that because I want people to be all pitying me I'm just stating a fact. I guess I just come here because it's the first place that I can share how much I want to die and not be condemned for saying it's so for anyone who responds to all of my posts you have gratitude from the bottom of whatever heart I have left.
Actually

Actually The Twist of my tail is that I have been married all this time even through my trauma last summer which involved another man I didn't cheat and everyone knew about it me and my husband pretty much have been in like a roommate friend marriage for almost a decade he's the sweetest person... he's taking care of me and supported me through all of this. Both of us admitted in the end that it was a bad idea for us to get married that we should have stayed friends but we both were lonely and kind of probably thought we couldn't do any better only thing is I was never attracted to her had any chemistry I settled when I married him and try to be the best wife that I could. We never had children I did the laundry cooked packed in his lunch and we slept in separate rooms and then one day I just couldn't take it anymore. No job no friends no life no passion no sex and it overtook me and I met someone last summer and of course it had to be literally like the worst person in the world and I ended up getting traumatized and now I have PTSD and I'm suicidal and I feel like this is the one Thai this is the one person that will be devastated and crushed when I catch the bus and it's so sucks. I want you to know I understand that when you asked me not to be hysterical that you're not trying to be condemning... probably because you understand that making a decision like this one should try to be as calm as possible cuz it's just going to be worse if we're all psycho and crazy..... so probably I just share this so you can see the weight of the guilt in the decision that I have to make between deciding what's really best for me and leaving behind the one person who is made over a decade of sacrifice to just help me and take care of me and the entire time me feeling empty and not having any bonding towards them and having to use all the energy Within Myself just to scrape up any positive regard for him.. all the wild pining for someone who treated me like trash with three months and that's why I feel like I just got to get out of here that the world would be better off without a womany like me around.. but yes other than that you're right we not having all these ties means a lot less people who will suffer they'll be a few but pretty much everybody's been hearing about my problems for a long time now and even though they'll be sad no one will be surprised
Actually

Actually The Twist of my tail is that I have been married all this time even through my trauma last summer which involved another man I didn't cheat and everyone knew about it me and my husband pretty much have been in like a roommate friend marriage for almost a decade he's the sweetest person... he's taking care of me and supported me through all of this. Both of us admitted in the end that it was a bad idea for us to get married that we should have stayed friends but we both were lonely and kind of probably thought we couldn't do any better only thing is I was never attracted to her had any chemistry I settled when I married him and try to be the best wife that I could. We never had children I did the laundry cooked packed in his lunch and we slept in separate rooms and then one day I just couldn't take it anymore. No job no friends no life no passion no sex and it overtook me and I met someone last summer and of course it had to be literally like the worst person in the world and I ended up getting traumatized and now I have PTSD and I'm suicidal and I feel like this is the one Thai this is the one person that will be devastated and crushed when I catch the bus and it's so sucks. I want you to know I understand that when you asked me not to be hysterical that you're not trying to be condemning... probably because you understand that making a decision like this one should try to be as calm as possible cuz it's just going to be worse if we're all psycho and crazy..... so probably I just share this so you can see the weight of the guilt in the decision that I have to make between deciding what's really best for me and leaving behind the one person who is made over a decade of sacrifice to just help me and take care of me and the entire time me feeling empty and not having any bonding towards them and having to use all the energy Within Myself just to scrape up any positive regard for him.. all the wild pining for someone who treated me like trash with three months and that's why I feel like I just got to get out of here that the world would be better off without a womany like me around.. but yes other than that you're right we not having all these ties means a lot less people who will suffer they'll be a few but pretty much everybody's been hearing about my problems for a long time now and even though they'll be sad no one will be surprised

I understand this. I've been married for over 20 years to a man like this. He has been supportive and loving, but we've never been passionate and now we just feel like roommates and I feel like I've wasted both of our lives.

 

[Dawn0071111]

it's totally weird that even though we have people that love us unconditionally in our lives, for me, it's my parents and my dog. Yet we crave the love that we can't get or the one that hurts us the most..

Yeah, Im not sure what thats all about or if I want to endure the years of therapy to fix it ..IF it can be fixed. I truly believe that the fact that a person can even GET this way is part of the fucked upness of life itself. Sure, I should just adapt and change to fit the enviroment..but I guess I missed out on that trait too. I'm just evil..lol

I understand this. I've been married for over 20 years to a man like this. He has been supportive and loving, but we've never been passionate and now we just feel like roommates and I feel like I've wasted both of our lives.

Its crazy. Im getting out. Its been 10 year for me. I just feel like a shit person for marrying him the first place since it wasn't necesarry. I just think I should die and forget about ever loving or being loved. This is bullshit for me. i think the world has bigger problems than if little Dawn has her fairytale..ugh I'm so fucking disgusted at myself...lol.

 

[justanotherday]

I feel hopless. I feel worthless. I hate myself so much for being a god damned failure. My CBT is more of a self-murder than seeking peace from suffering although it is that also. I just need more time to write letters, finish finances, & wait for meto to come in mail. Will take about 2 weeks or less. Im tired yall. Im sooo over living & i feel GUILTY about wanting to die when Ive been given opportunity to live... therapy, place to live, food... but what good is all that if I have no LOVE? No connection, belonging, family, freindship? Obviously, not having these things by 40 ... I am guilty. I must die. I have been given a chance to change, to live, but all I want is to throw in the towel. I can succeed at giving up. Its what I do best. I just don't have the drive to endure & persevere. Not without a love to bond to. I feel like so pathetic. Gotta wait till Meto comes in mail.

They say 56 percent of marriages fail anyway, so please try not to feel bad. So many people don't stay together ... these things do not work out for a lot of people. There really is no such thing as the Hollywood fairy tale., white Pickett fence thing... it is basically all a lie.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I've never felt guilty about killing myself. And I've never thought that the act of suicide was selfish. Obviously someone has to be in a hell of a lot of physical or mental pain or both to take their own lives. As someone who has Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history, I look at suicide as a gift to myself. Doctors can't help and in my opinion you'd have to be out of your mind to want to live the rest of your life in as much pain as I'm in. I've already lived 14 years like this and I refuse to live one more. As for the people that are left behind, I can't contribute anything to their lives the way I am now anyway. I can't even physically take care of myself. I would never put their needs over mine and stay alive just so they can stare at me in bed. We are the only ones who have to live our lives. I've never had any mental problems before but because of this condition I suffer from depression and anxiety. I've never known and never will know all the wonderful things life has to offer. I have to be true to myself. I am able to give myself relief which is something no other person in this world is able to do and that makes me white powerful in my eyes.

 

[sleepy dog]

I definitely feel guilt for being severely suicidal. I don't understand why though.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I've never felt guilty about killing myself. And I've never thought that the act of suicide was selfish. Obviously someone has to be in a hell of a lot of physical or mental pain or both to take their own lives. As someone who has Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history, I look at suicide as a gift to myself. Doctors can't help and in my opinion you'd have to be out of your mind to want to live the rest of your life in as much pain as I'm in. I've already lived 14 years like this and I refuse to live one more. As for the people that are left behind, I can't contribute anything to their lives the way I am now anyway. I can't even physically take care of myself. I would never put their needs over mine and stay alive just so they can stare at me in bed. We are the only ones who have to live our lives. I've never had any mental problems before but because of this condition I suffer from depression and anxiety. I've never known and never will know all the wonderful things life has to offer. I have to be true to myself. I am able to give myself relief which is something no other person in this world is able to do and that makes me white powerful in my eyes.

Amen sister..... I could not even imagine the agony....