Help Please help. I need to tell someone the exact reason WHY I WANT TO DIE!

[Dawn0071111]

I'm torn between giving life one last go or ending it. I truly could go either way. I have ordered my SN. My portable generator, c0 meter is all ready to go. I have everything I need to end my life.

This is why I want to die: BECAUSE I CAN'T LOVE MYSELF OR ANYONE...... All my life I have heard: "You can't love anyone till you love yourself..." So I have been frantically trying to love myself to engage in this spiritual phenomenon. I wanted to do things the right way. I have been trying to "get it from the inside" all my fucking life. I think it bullshit. Either that or I am fundamentally broken at the core level.... There is NOTHING INSIDE! I can't manufacture my own happiness, love or anything. I need to get that from someone else, the outside world.

This is an awful way to live. To me not being able to love is a great reason to CBT. Afterall, IF it is true that nothing in my life will be worthwhile until I can get all the happiness, validation, love, care, respect from WITHIN myself..... Then why bother? Because to me this concept is like tying to learn Quantum Physics in Chinese.......

I'm a goner yall. I am just a bottomless pit, a dark well, a black hole..... A hungry ghoast of neediness......... I think it would benefit the world to be rid of one less PARASITE. One less needy woman who feels like nothing without a man.... One less person who goes out into life looking for what they can GET, rather than what they can GIVE. I used to be so giving, no nice, but self esteem is in the toliet...... I hate myself.

When I go outinto the world, the only thing that interests me is: Who can love me? Who can give me attention? Who can make me feel good? Who notices me? Who WANTS me? I have always been too proud and scared to act on these feelings..... So I didn't live a life or having serial relationships... instead..just a desert of bitterness and sadness... i mean really it is an act of LOVE TO REMOVE this kind of person from the world. Even though I am not a predator type, I still filter the world in a way of who can meet my unmet needs? Ugh so disguesting!

I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT IT WAS BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOVE MYSELF, THAT WHEN I MET THE GUY LAST SUMMER HE DIDN'T LOVE ME EITHER. THAT I CREATED MY OWN REALITY. I'm serious. This is what is the nail in the coffin for me. Everywhere I look and read, and all the advise I get is: If I could just LOVE MYSELF, that life would be a gaddamn picnic. That all my dreams would come true and even if they did not it would not shatter me, because well.... I enjoy my own company, so who needs man? If I could only aquire this elusive "self-love" - I would be able to overcome it all.

self love make one invincible!!!!!

One more human being fucked up from childhood to become a statistic. I'm so tired yall. I just want to die to end all this shit and make a point. Fuck loving myself, I'm going to KILL myself. THAT might be the first and only act of SELF LOVE I ever commit! There more people in my life tell me to move on the more I just want to CTB to spite them.

 

[wendydong1]

seems like another person who's triggered by an unreturned love

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I'm so sorry. I wish I knew how to help you. I have had self-esteem issues but I have never felt needy except for after my bf ctb. I used affirmations to help with self-esteem. It seems silly but it helped me. The best time to do it is right before bed and w/in half an hour of waking up.

 

[Donewith_]

You have faced any kind of abandonment, abuse physical or mental in childhood? That will have a lot of impact on you..
When no one cares for you or treats you well in childhood, and you are always put down, suppressed.. you will dissociate from yourself and may create, live in a imaginary world(sometimes)..and you just want someone to accept you..like.. to say that you are normal just like everyone around you. And yeah..it feels empty inside unless you have someone.
Its self-destructive..i know.
Its depressing to see..how a bad childhood environment messes you up for the whole life..

 

[ChristopherWalken]

Maybe it's not so bad to be needy? I mean at some stages of life? I used to be, and still remain, a people-pleaser. I used to be drawn to needy people because it felt so GOOD to be needed. Jumping through hoops and doing everything I could for someone made me feel like a superhero. It's called co-dependence and yeah, it's completely messed up and always ends badly. But eventually I learned my lesson, read some books, and got a lot better. I still struggle with it. I used to have terrible breakups and would be angry at my exes. But now I understand them and I know I was part of the problem hell I was the problem. I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Maybe what's really bothering you is not that you're needy it's that this neediness makes you vulnerable.

 

[sadgirl2002]

You most certainly don't have to love yourself to love another, that's merely a concept made by humans. I don't love myself at all, not even one bit, but I definitely love another with all my heart.

I, myself, have been programmed to think that love is my only source of happiness and that is the truth. Love has always been and always be the one thing that will give me everlasting bliss.

I'm trying not to think about the love that isn't returned because I know I'll ctb out of haste so I'm staying alive because I have hope it will be returned one day.

I wish I could help you. It's not a bad thing to feel needy. I hope you are able to love another someday but if you think ctb is the only option then I wish you peace and happiness.

 

[Soul]

I find it very natural to feel the way you do. I had to learn to recognise another person's love for me. I doubt I'll ever be *very* sure of it, but at least I don't brush it aside anymore. I would like you to find what you're seeking in life, but whatever you decide to do I wish you excellent outcomes.

 

[GreyMonkey]

I totally get you.

This void inside that does not have love in it, the desperate need to be loved by someone yet unable to actually feel it... or even worse to have it be given and then taken away.

 

[Dawn0071111]

You most certainly don't have to love yourself to love another, that's merely a concept made by humans. I don't love myself at all, not even one bit, but I definitely love another with all my heart.

I, myself, have been programmed to think that love is my only source of happiness and that is the truth. Love has always been and always be the one thing that will give me everlasting bliss.

I'm trying not to think about the love that isn't returned because I know I'll ctb out of haste so I'm staying alive because I have hope it will be returned one day.

I wish I could help you. It's not a bad thing to feel needy. I hope you are able to love another someday but if you think ctb is the only option then I wish you peace and happiness.

Thank you....❤❤❤

You have faced any kind of abandonment, abuse physical or mental in childhood? That will have a lot of impact on you..
When no one cares for you or treats you well in childhood, and you are always put down, suppressed.. you will dissociate from yourself and may create, live in a imaginary world(sometimes)..and you just want someone to accept you..like.. to say that you are normal just like everyone around you. And yeah..it feels empty inside unless you have someone.
Its self-destructive..i know.
Its depressing to see..how a bad childhood environment messes you up for the whole life..

Thank you.... I do have all the childhood stuff..... I had no idea the later outcome would be this bad..... it is strange that it follows us.

Maybe it's not so bad to be needy? I mean at some stages of life? I used to be, and still remain, a people-pleaser. I used to be drawn to needy people because it felt so GOOD to be needed. Jumping through hoops and doing everything I could for someone made me feel like a superhero. It's called co-dependence and yeah, it's completely messed up and always ends badly. But eventually I learned my lesson, read some books, and got a lot better. I still struggle with it. I used to have terrible breakups and would be angry at my exes. But now I understand them and I know I was part of the problem hell I was the problem. I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Maybe what's really bothering you is not that you're needy it's that this neediness makes you vulnerable.

Hi, thank you for your reply. There is a vulnerability.... there is also co dependancy on my part. I guess the thing is, I'm tired & hurt... Im devastated. At my age and after this trauma, I just really don't want to launch into some huge healing my childood issues campaign. I'm just bitter & have no interest in trying to fix myself after all of this. Id rather die than be in therapy for the next decade.... but yes, I just wish it were easier to just be a human and for all of us to get our basic human needs met. This trauma from last summer wasn't normal. I got ptsd, from having my emorions toyed with then thrown away like a piece of trash. I didn't hate myself till after that. I believed it was my fault. That not loving myself caused the love of my life to use me & ghoast. I can't take it.... I just don't like the way the world, life & everything is set up. Its too much for me... sorry for the rambling reply. ..

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I agree with @218x...you can love others and not love yourself but it makes it hard for others to love you back. People who don't love themselves often put up emotional barriers. You also make yourself vulnerable to being used and abused. Not loving yourself did not cause that man to use you. Being an asshole caused him to use you. Do you really want to be loved by some one who would be so careless with your heart?

 

[Dawn0071111]

I agree with @218x...you can love others and not love yourself but it makes it hard for others to love you back. People who don't love themselves often put up emotional barriers. You also make yourself vulnerable to being used and abused. Not loving yourself did not cause that man to use you. Being an asshole caused him to use you. Do you really want to be loved by some one who would be so careless with your heart?

WOW! Thank you for your reply. I am in such confusion and darkness that I have never known before. I would have said the same thing to someone who did a post like this before last summer, now I have crumbled and truly cannot tell up from down..... The answer is no I do not, but I had never felt that way with someone before, it went deep into my psyche...... I really believed that my own lack of self love brought all this on me. The thing is I had low self esteem, but I wasn't all that bad when I met him. The night I met him I was smiling, dancing, I was as normal as I had ever been in my life. Thats why it was so devastating. I had recently lost 120 pounds. I was doing what I loved most dancing to EDM music. But he was magical to me. I was very ignorant and inexperinced. I literlally believed in true love, soulmates, and all that shit. We both had the same model car, we both loved music we had so much in common. I was so fucking sure---- until he made it clear it wasn't, but then it seemed that he did. And in a grand finale move he ditched me brutally. I melted down in silence for months before he got a 50 page handwritten suicide letter with me pouring out all my feelings. I was SURE I WAS GOING TO DIE. My plan was fullproof, I thought. I never imagined I would have to talk to him after hm after he got it. And when I got out of the hospital, I spoke on the phone to a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. I was crushed. He was so cold. But I told myself everything was my fault. I still believe it. The idea that he never really liked me is so fucking painful. i have not had success with men before. He was the first man I was ever attracted to that seemed to return attraction. I had ht the jackpot. Mutual at last! In my past it has always been everyone I liked didnt like me or everyone who liked me I had no chemistry. We sat out for hours talking into the night..... we never had full on sex... it was the craziest exepeince. Its so insane and riduculous on so many levels.... anyway...One day I am going to tell the story like in a Youtube video and post it.... Most def if I end up CTB. But yes what you said makes so much sense, its simple. I'd give anything to believe it. I never knew that self blame could be such a cushion and a prison at the same time.

I have been abused and used before. But I always bounced back. This is my first time in my life ever going crazy. Before this I had never had anxiety, a panic attack, triggers...nothing. The "Aftermath Syndrome" hit me like a tons of bricks. When I stopped bathing, stopped eating, the dreams of him, the obsession, the grief, the rage, the longing, it was like my enotional skin was ripped off. I didn't even know I was depressed. I had no name for what I was feeling. Not until I pulled the generator cord in January surrounded by his pcitures playing "our song." Nope, not even then. it happened so fast. i went from being a relatively ok girl, to being a full blown mental illness in 4 months!!!!! I didn't even know it was possible to feel and think the things I have over the past 11 months. I feel into a hole inside of myself.... my soul was shattered, a tsunami of hell ravaged my inner landscape....

I told myself it was the consequences of not loving myself. I had a dating coach who told me men are disgusted by women who are too available and needy. I felt like and still feel such a sense of being PATHETIC. I thought I had found my best freind. I got put on a pedestal so high and he kicked that shit at the moment it would hurt the most. I had a great fall and all the kings horses and all the kings men..could not put that girls heart back together again......

Never in a million year would I ever have thought that I would be here. I never thought I would be ordering SN and illegal Meto. I never thought I would keep a portable generator, with a PPM meter, and padlocks to drill into the doors on had at all times. I never thought i would be on a site like SS... The last place I have foudn to be able to express my true desire to just give up the fight of life... over an "asshole."

Many have told me: "You should not give anyone that much power, that you would take your own life..." The thing is: I feel powerful in some strange twisted way. I feel like my SOUL GOT RAPED, and the last thing I have sovereighnity over is my life itself. Sorry, that was a lot. thansk for your reply, it just caused all this to come out of me. I really needed to hear it

 

[Empty Smile]

This song is right on the dot about love.

LOVE HURTS, by Nazereth

Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
I'm young
I know
But even so
I know a thing or two, I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame, it burns you when it's hot
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Some fools think
Of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Ooh love hurts
I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Ooh, love hurts, ooh

 

[Dawn0071111]

This song is right on the dot about love.

LOVE HURTS, by Nazereth

Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
I'm young
I know
But even so
I know a thing or two, I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame, it burns you when it's hot
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Some fools think
Of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Ooh love hurts
I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh love hurts
Ooh, love hurts, ooh

Sums it up.... Really wierd it is like this though..makes no sense for such a basic need. Do us human have to fuck everything up?

 

[Empty Smile]

Do us human have to fuck everything up?

Humans have fucked everything up since the beginning of existence.

 

[eve2004]

I feel for you... in a way, we give society too much power. Who defines how to love yourself? Looking for ways to meet your needs could be one way. Everyone has needs. This place fulfills a lot of them for me and for many others. I guess we could consider the fact that we are opening up to each other and supporting each other « self love ». But as others have mentioned, there are no requirements of any sort when it comes to love. Everyone has a different way and everyone's journey is different and valid. You can define love in so many ways you might want to consider that its not necessary to KNOW if you love yourself but just pursue love of all kinds and live life in the way that makes you happy. Its also very human to want to be loved by other people! There are so many ways you can choose to live, to laugh, to love, to die... All valid.

Therapy for me is not about « fixing » me. It does give me a place to go and sit and not feel like I need to pretend to be something or someone I'm not. It may never fix me, but while I'm still here, therapy is a bit like going for a cup of coffee. I decide what I want to get out of therapy. The goal doesn't have to be to fix me. It could be whatever I want to get out of it. I may not even know what I want out of it or what it actually does but I know that it does something because I keep going when I don't HAVE to.

We don't need to KNOW everything about anything including ourselves. Life is a series of experiences. There's no need to compare your experiences to anyone elses.

Sending you love...

 

[Dawn0071111]

I feel for you... in a way, we give society too much power. Who defines how to love yourself? Looking for ways to meet your needs could be one way. Everyone has needs. This place fulfills a lot of them for me and for many others. I guess we could consider the fact that we are opening up to each other and supporting each other « self love ». But as others have mentioned, there are no requirements of any sort when it comes to love. Everyone has a different way and everyone's journey is different and valid. You can define love in so many ways you might want to consider that its not necessary to KNOW if you love yourself but just pursue love of all kinds and live life in the way that makes you happy. Its also very human to want to be loved by other people! There are so many ways you can choose to live, to laugh, to love, to die... All valid.

Therapy for me is not about « fixing » me. It does give me a place to go and sit and not feel like I need to pretend to be something or someone I'm not. It may never fix me, but while I'm still here, therapy is a bit like going for a cup of coffee. I decide what I want to get out of therapy. The goal doesn't have to be to fix me. It could be whatever I want to get out of it. I may not even know what I want out of it or what it actually does but I know that it does something because I keep going when I don't HAVE to.

We don't need to KNOW everything about anything including ourselves. Life is a series of experiences. There's no need to compare your experiences to anyone elses.

Sending you love...

Thank you for sharing your perspective with me. It is great to be able to hear from others...... I am learning a lot. I am going to see a new therapist on Tuesday.... I'm all over the place. Planning my death and doing treatment at the same time to see what wins out. But yes, Its not good to compare I agree or need to know everything. I just thought if I could get a handle on it in my mind I would be okay. thanks for the love

 

[eve2004]

I'm so happy you're going to try therapy. Keep me/us posted on how it goes. Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes we need someone else to tell us that because we're overwhelmed and can't see through the negative feelings and thoughts.

And also, no one really has a handle on anything, some people just are better at faking it. We're all doing what we can but no one can predict the future. We just do the best we can at any given moment and thats more than OK.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

You're welcome. You are not pathetic. It is natural for people who have been abused to fall into abusive relationships later. I think if you are aware of the red flags next time you will stay away from guys that want to use you. There are countless videos on YT about how to spot red flags. You are a great writer btw.

 

[Dawn0071111]

You're welcome. You are not pathetic. It is natural for people who have been abused to fall into abusive relationships later. I think if you are aware of the red flags next time you will stay away from guys that want to use you. There are countless videos on YT about how to spot red flags. You are a great writer btw.

Thank you. Ive been told people enjoy my writing before. There were so many red flags... as always in hindsight. I'm not sure how to proceed. A part of me just wants to end it. A part of me wonders if I can experience true happiness in this life..... But I just am too exhausted & unmotivated to do the work. I just feel like Ive lost so much, There is such massive deficit in all areas of my life, I still feel like I was the one who sabotaged my chance at happiness with him. Why bother trying to construct a life from the ground up? The thing that mattered most is gone..... see how crazy I sound? Lol. I just want the easy way out, life has been a unhappy struggle since I was born, Im just tired. Hope is a cruel joke to me..... sorry to be so morbid..lol

 

[Soul]

This song is right on the dot about love.
Love hurts
Love scars
Love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts

Beautiful song indeed, written by Boudleaux Bryant, recorded first by the Everly Brothers, then others including Gram Parsons. I love this rendition by Norah Jones and Keith Richards:

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Thank you. Ive been told people enjoy my writing before. There were so many red flags... as always in hindsight. I'm not sure how to proceed. A part of me just wants to end it. A part of me wonders if I can experience true happiness in this life..... But I just am too exhausted & unmotivated to do the work. I just feel like Ive lost so much, There is such massive deficit in all areas of my life, I still feel like I was the one who sabotaged my chance at happiness with him. Why bother trying to construct a life from the ground up? The thing that mattered most is gone..... see how crazy I sound? Lol. I just want the easy way out, life has been a unhappy struggle since I was born, Im just tired. Hope is a cruel joke to me..... sorry to be so morbid..lol

You don't sound crazy or morbid. You sound really tired of life. I have felt exactly the same way but for different reasons.

 

[Centerism]

I am on your side. You seem to have an unrelenting need to be accepted. Me too. I can't figure out how to love myself. But one thing I don't lack is the love for others. I wish I could help you, but I'd first have to learn to help myself. The only reaction I have to the need for constant attention is to ctb myself. I feel tonight is the night for me. I'm at piece with it. But I hope you find something other than the end. You seem like a good person at heart. But if you did decide to ctb then I wish you a safe and painless journey.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I am on your side. You seem to have an unrelenting need to be accepted. Me too. I can't figure out how to love myself. But one thing I don't lack is the love for others. I wish I could help you, but I'd first have to learn to help myself. The only reaction I have to the need for constant attention is to ctb myself. I feel tonight is the night for me. I'm at piece with it. But I hope you find something other than the end. You seem like a good person at heart. But if you did decide to ctb then I wish you a safe and painless journey.

Thank you so much. Everyone always tells me I seem like I have a kind heart. Maybe its the PTSD that keep me from feeling it. i definately dont feel the same after last summer. I mean whats wrong with wanting to be accepted? I can't CTB tonight I still have a lot of plans to make. I have to get my affairs in order.

It's so sweet and heartbreaking you say that you hope "I find something other than the end...." I have shared my desire to die with people and this response seems to be consistent, it makes me feel a deep sense of bittersweet sadness...... It makes me wonder if I am as bad as I think I am?" I feel so confused......

But yes, my dear.... whenever that bus pulls up for you may it take you to perfect peace and the love we have wanted all along!

 

[Centerism]

Thank you so much. Everyone always tells me I seem like I have a kind heart. Maybe its the PTSD that keep me from feeling it. i definately dont feel the same after last summer. I mean whats wrong with wanting to be accepted? I can't CTB tonight I still have a lot of plans to make. I have to get my affairs in order.

It's so sweet and heartbreaking you say that you hope "I find something other than the end...." I have shared my desire to die with people and this response seems to be consistent, it makes me feel a deep sense of bittersweet sadness...... It makes me wonder if I am as bad as I think I am?" I feel so confused......

But yes, my dear.... whenever that bus pulls up for you may it take you to perfect peace and the love we have wanted all along!

Isn't it glum that wet want the end and others seem to think it's not the right thing to do? It's like we're juvenile and can't decide for ourselves. All we ever wanted was to belong, to be one of the "normal" people who all seem to have their lives and loves together.

Life I guess can be cruel, but we have found or way out, our way to survive in the end. Our way to love eternally. And it truly sucks that we've never had true love. But hey, what's better...

I honestly do wish I could help you though. Our final solution may be the wrong one in the end. We could find love and live happily. But I don't know if that's the right thing to do. We can only decide for ourselves. But I do hope yippy find happiness before ctb.

With love,
All smiles.

 

[Luchs]

I'm torn between giving life one last go or ending it. I truly could go either way. I have ordered my SN. My portable generator, c0 meter is all ready to go. I have everything I need to end my life.

This is why I want to die: BECAUSE I CAN'T LOVE MYSELF OR ANYONE...... All my life I have heard: "You can't love anyone till you love yourself..." So I have been frantically trying to love myself to engage in this spiritual phenomenon. I wanted to do things the right way. I have been trying to "get it from the inside" all my fucking life. I think it bullshit. Either that or I am fundamentally broken at the core level.... There is NOTHING INSIDE! I can't manufacture my own happiness, love or anything. I need to get that from someone else, the outside world.

This is an awful way to live. To me not being able to love is a great reason to CBT. Afterall, IF it is true that nothing in my life will be worthwhile until I can get all the happiness, validation, love, care, respect from WITHIN myself..... Then why bother? Because to me this concept is like tying to learn Quantum Physics in Chinese.......

I'm a goner yall. I am just a bottomless pit, a dark well, a black hole..... A hungry ghoast of neediness......... I think it would benefit the world to be rid of one less PARASITE. One less needy woman who feels like nothing without a man.... One less person who goes out into life looking for what they can GET, rather than what they can GIVE. I used to be so giving, no nice, but self esteem is in the toliet...... I hate myself.

When I go outinto the world, the only thing that interests me is: Who can love me? Who can give me attention? Who can make me feel good? Who notices me? Who WANTS me? I have always been too proud and scared to act on these feelings..... So I didn't live a life or having serial relationships... instead..just a desert of bitterness and sadness... i mean really it is an act of LOVE TO REMOVE this kind of person from the world. Even though I am not a predator type, I still filter the world in a way of who can meet my unmet needs? Ugh so disguesting!

I WANT TO DIE BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT IT WAS BECAUSE I DIDN'T LOVE MYSELF, THAT WHEN I MET THE GUY LAST SUMMER HE DIDN'T LOVE ME EITHER. THAT I CREATED MY OWN REALITY. I'm serious. This is what is the nail in the coffin for me. Everywhere I look and read, and all the advise I get is: If I could just LOVE MYSELF, that life would be a gaddamn picnic. That all my dreams would come true and even if they did not it would not shatter me, because well.... I enjoy my own company, so who needs man? If I could only aquire this elusive "self-love" - I would be able to overcome it all.

self love make one invincible!!!!!

One more human being fucked up from childhood to become a statistic. I'm so tired yall. I just want to die to end all this shit and make a point. Fuck loving myself, I'm going to KILL myself. THAT might be the first and only act of SELF LOVE I ever commit! There more people in my life tell me to move on the more I just want to CTB to spite them.

It's not bad to need someone to love you. I don't see the issue some people have with needing validation from others. If you have high self-esteem because you validate yourself you're probably a narcisist. I'd advise you to find someone who loves you for who you are and gives you the validation to need. With 7 billion people there is bound to be someone for you. Maybe a search for the one can give you the purpose you need in life to power through another day.

I really hope you get better! :D

 

[Dawn0071111]

Isn't it glum that wet want the end and others seem to think it's not the right thing to do? It's like we're juvenile and can't decide for ourselves. All we ever wanted was to belong, to be one of the "normal" people who all seem to have their lives and loves together.

Life I guess can be cruel, but we have found or way out, our way to survive in the end. Our way to love eternally. And it truly sucks that we've never had true love. But hey, what's better...

I honestly do wish I could help you though. Our final solution may be the wrong one in the end. We could find love and live happily. But I don't know if that's the right thing to do. We can only decide for ourselves. But I do hope yippy find happiness before ctb.

With love,
All smiles.

Hi hun, I can see my post really resonated with you, Im touched by your desire to help, even though you know you cannot. Its the thought that counts. Its funny, even in a suicide board I have ppl hinting to me that maybe cTB isn't the best... maybe because I harp so hard on love & most of us can relate to the longing? I think certain members of society have standards of wisdom they want to pass on to help us. Obviously loving onesself is better than low self esteeem, of course one should be able to cope with aloneness.... these are good things. Some of us just have different priorities.... i wish i could help you too.. hell, all the suffering people in this site.... that we all could be happy & free.....

Dont forget to say bue before you board the bus...❤

It's not bad to need someone to love you. I don't see the issue some people have with needing validation from others. If you have high self-esteem because you validate yourself you're probably a narcisist. I'd advise you to find someone who loves you for who you are and gives you the validation to need. With 7 billion people there is bound to be someone for you. Maybe a search for the one can give you the purpose you need in life to power through another day.

I really hope you get better! :D

Wow. Thank u for this... Im on the suicide board & this is where Im getting the most serious hints to let the Bus pass...lol. Its the only thing that gives me morivation, but i have been conditioned by the psychological world that this is unhealthy that it's wrong and obviously it has some serious downsides. I'm not even sure what change would involve or it or if it's even possible.... I would love to be that confident self-sufficient girl who can take love or leave it... but right now I am who I am. And I guess my choices are to accept who I am and like you said go out and find that person or I could catch the bus LOL.... ❤
Thank you

It's not bad to need someone to love you. I don't see the issue some people have with needing validation from others. If you have high self-esteem because you validate yourself you're probably a narcisist. I'd advise you to find someone who loves you for who you are and gives you the validation to need. With 7 billion people there is bound to be someone for you. Maybe a search for the one can give you the purpose you need in life to power through another day.

I really hope you get better! :D

Thank you for hoping I get better..... Is there anyone here who can support me in dying tho? Lolololol.... Im kidding... I know ppl express thier opinion & truth.... Im conflicted, cause on one side there is that tiny hope that i could muster up the strength to give my dream that you loved one last shot to give it another go on the other hand I'm so tired and the desire to just throw in the towel and say f*** it is pretty f****** strong too....
❤❤❤

 

[eve2004]

Hey Dawn,

Glad you're getting to hear different points of view, isn't it great here that we can learn from those suffering in so many different ways that allows us to see things from different perspectives?

Just being here is somewhat soothing and helps me get from an unstable mindset to being calm enough not to act impulsively. I think we mostly want the same thing, to be at peace with ourselves whether it's being alive or not. It's apparently not easy, either way!

I always say that you're just one person away from finding love... life is unexpected and unpredictable that way (so is death, really!). You'll never really feel or see any progreesnin yourself until long after you've had a string of "not so bad" relationships. Maybe the key isn't to start with finding romantic type love but simply simple respect and friendship amongst the people you meet either here (good place to start) or in person through activities you would otherwise not pursue. I once had a "thing" where every month I'd do/try something new just for the heck of it and blog about it. Some months was trying a some new and obscure vegetable... feel free to update us on that in the off topic session! Once was yoga... that didn't last long... haha a bit part of what makes me want to CTB is having nothing good to look forward to... simply because I no longer enjoy anything (depression or meds? Who knows...) and especially difficult is the fact that I no longer enjoy any of the things I used to be highly passionate about. I do keep trying to do new things as a means of distraction but have no motivation to stick to them or I just don't enjoy them that much. I've accepted that that's OK. No one needs to stick to one thing and do it well, as much as society brainwashes us that we should. But I'm a loner, that does not help one bit. Trying new things will lead you to find people to at least interact with and is somewhat more confidence building than staying alone and beating yourself up about the past. We all have trouble seeing past our failures and I love this place because we can openly talk comfortably about them and get advice and hear about the successes from people through all walks of life, however temporary or permanent those successes are/were.

Hope this gives you any tiny shred of hope to keep going, at least for the simple reason of enjoying the comraderie of those who are here in SS. Much love to you, my friend...

 

[Dawn0071111]

Thank you for your thoughtful response. .so much came up for me as I read it. Lots of simple wisdom, and encouragement. I felt a lof of condemnation and shame because I feel so disconnected from people due to the PTSD, It feels worse than ever. I honestly think there is something wrong with me. I just have no interest in most people, even though I get lonely... I don't get it. Romantic is something Im always up for, but regular encounters bore me a lot. This makes me feel like Im some sort of psycopath or cluster b type. If I ever got a diagnosis like that I would CTB the same day for certain. I dunno, trying new things sounds so boring to me, which is stupid... I think Im still too bogged down with all my emotional insanity to even try some of this stuff... Im dead inside, consumed by my desire for love above all else, Im afriad it has made me a moster... Im sorry for such a morbid response.... lol

 

[c824767]

nobody is invincible, it is nice to think you are but it is a delusion. write down how you feel and look at it in a few days. I know you have been on the forum for a while. Look back at what you are saying. You are in a crisis. This means you are not thinking rational thoughts. You are in a way, hysterical. If you can make yourself understand that your brain is in a way inflamed and that it needs to heal (evening primrose oil can be a sheathing agent for bare nerves) you can maybe see your thoughts, as you have written them down, as unaffordable. If you die, it should be a decision made with a relatively healthy brain and not in the midst of a crisis and with hysteria. Make it healthy then decide.

 

[DoNotLet2]

This forum will lack something without you... Rest in peace....
No, you can love someone and you can be loved...