Venting Please at least someone just read this. I'm losing my mind

[degeneratewaste]

Hi, new user here. I don't really know how to start off on this stuff and I doubt anyone will really even read this but if you do, thankyou I guess.
I'm a 19 year old female from the UK who has been extremely miserable most of their life. I've hated existence since I was about 13 years old, and somehow it keeps spiralling to get worse and worse. I'm more suicidal than I've ever been and am now more than ever seriously looking into ending my own life.
This is mostly because I've been through enough fucked up shit in this short time, more than any normal person needs. I have clear parental issues and have gone through years of emotional abuse at their hands, and have been sexually assaulted several times at the hands of 3 people, and raped twice. The first time was a year and a half ago, I was meant to stand in court against the perpetrator (my ex boyfriend) last month, but he committed suicide the day before the trial was due to go ahead. I feel so guilty and upset for his family. The second time happened only a few days ago. Since then there have been several problems in my relationship as the person that did it has a fuck load of dirt on me that has come to light and my partner has been day drinking and making my life extremely difficult leaving me with almost nothing to turn to except for the familiar comfort of self harm, alcoholism and drugs. And of course, suicidal ideation.
I've bought a large stash of pills recently to have as backup for an overdose and I'm planning on consistently adding to it until it's big enough to kill me with no return. I'm new to all this stuff though. Any advice on methods, foolproof type stuff? I know this is really long and I doubt any of you will even care enough to read or even reply, but it's worth a stab in the dark since I have no one to talk to in real life without judgement or concern. Thanks

 

[woxihuanni]

I'm sorry for your situation. We have a resources section. Piling up pills won't kill you.

 

[degeneratewaste]

I'm sorry for your situation. We have a resources section. Piling up pills won't kill you.

Thanks. Obviously I intend to take them but it's not foolproof. I'm new to navigating the site and can't actually find the resources bit because I'm ridiculously stupid, but I'll try harder.

 

[woxihuanni]

No, you're not stupid. Just have a look and if you still cannot, I'll link.

 

[TheQ22]

Agree with Woxi, read the resources section

 

[AmDead]

You are definitely not alone! I've only joined recently but so many people here are nice and understanding. I am also a teenage girl and have had suicidal thoughts since 13. I cannot relate to rape, but if it helps, I have chosen the night night method. The materials are easy and if you can find the right spot, it's supposed to be painless and will knock you unconscious quick.
Sorry to hear you are having such a terrible time!

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

there's also a recovery section

 

[woxihuanni]

there's also a recovery section

Thank you for pointing that out. Yup, definitely try the recovery section and don't be shy venting, sharing anything you need to share. We are here for you.

 

[sadstuffie]

hello! i am a new member also & can relate to some things you talked about. i agree with the others saying OD with pills wont work as i attempted that way when i was 15, it didnt work obviously. so sorry you had to experience so much pain. i support you no matter what ❤

 

[Smudgedlines]

You are not stupid at all and I wish you'd had a better easier life so far, if you were my daughter I'd be fighting for you. I'm sorry for what you've been through. You're clearly clever, articulate, too self deprecating, and I hope you stick around a while before making any decisions.

 

[Captive of Mind]

When you are on the forum home page, go to "suicide discussion". At the top there will be 4 pinned sections that say sanctioned suicide in purple writing. Click on "Resource Compilation". There is also good information in the WIKI tab that is always on the top of the page on this website.

 

[almostnohopeleft.]

I'm 19 too, maybe if you went to college it would help?

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

You thought no one would read. We read. We hear you. We're here for you.

You have friends here.

 

[Silver]

Sorry to hear what's happened in your life @degeneratewaste . I hope this site will help you move forward.

 

[mapletree]

I just joined and have no idea what im doing.

 

[fastFWD]

sry to hear about all that shit that's happen to you. stumbled into a rape situation years ago while at a college house party. we beat the fk out of the dude. sry no one was there to help you when that happened. hope we can help you now.

 

[deadgirlahsatan]

Ur not stupid! U have been going through hell. So sorry . Lots of terrible situations people are in on this forum.I'm pretty new too as well.

 

[degeneratewaste]

I'm 19 too, maybe if you went to college it would help?

I'm actually already in education. Went to a sixth form college from 16-18 to get A-Levels as I performed well in GCSEs and was pretty bright previously. Due to traumas that happened in the course of my A-Levels and having poor mental health I did pretty fucking dreadful in them, but still managed to get into university this year. I basically haven't attended though because again I've had troubles with anxiety, depression and been reliant on alcohol again to help me get through things and I feel like a pretty big failure at this point for someone who used to be some sort of child prodigy.

sry to hear about all that shit that's happen to you. stumbled into a rape situation years ago while at a college house party. we beat the fk out of the dude. sry no one was there to help you when that happened. hope we can help you now.

Thankyou so much. I never really got to see justice for my ex. So many people wanted to hurt him but he ended up drinking cyanide before anyone could get to him, including actual law enforcement. He fucked up my life and I still haven't grown from any of the abuse he put me through. It's horrible knowing that he got just what he wanted.
In terms of the one that happened a few days ago. I know there's lots of people that would want to hurt him, but if they do I run the risk of losing the rest of my friends when he ruins my life even more, which he is already starting to do. I'm beginning to feel cursed at this point as this is some sort of running theme in my life.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Can relate to parts of this in that I am 18 and from the UK, been suicidal for a similar period of time. Your experience is a hugely heavy burden and your feelings are valid.

For starters, please drop the pills. An OD on random pills is unlikely to kill you and can be painful. Read the resources we have here; there are lots of good methods available to use that are more likely to work and less likely to be extremely uncomfortable.

Secondly, I would give yourself a moment to breathe before you do anything. It sounds like you've been hit by an avalanche of emotional trauma in a short space of time and are totally overwhelmed. Give yourself a minute to process all this before making any big decisions. Talk to the people here on both the suicide and recovery side of things and see how you feel.

We're here to support you whatever you do. Good luck, chief

 

[mapletree]

I agree with @cryptic__egg it sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's a good idea to let a little time pass to collect yourself before making big decisions

 

[BPD Barbie]

The resources section for you

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resource-compilation.3/

Pills are the least efficient way to go about things. They rarely work and are slow and usually have some nasty side effects. Sorry to hear what you've been going through and I hope you find what you're looking for via this forum.

 

[aristotle is ok]

You are not stupid at all and I wish you'd had a better easier life so far, if you were my daughter I'd be fighting for you. I'm sorry for what you've been through. You're clearly clever, articulate, too self deprecating, and I hope you stick around a while before making any decisions.

This note made me light up.

 

[aristotle is ok]

I'm actually already in education. Went to a sixth form college from 16-18 to get A-Levels as I performed well in GCSEs and was pretty bright previously. Due to traumas that happened in the course of my A-Levels and having poor mental health I did pretty fucking dreadful in them, but still managed to get into university this year. I basically haven't attended though because again I've had troubles with anxiety, depression and been reliant on alcohol again to help me get through things and I feel like a pretty big failure at this point for someone who used to be some sort of child prodigy.

Thankyou so much. I never really got to see justice for my ex. So many people wanted to hurt him but he ended up drinking cyanide before anyone could get to him, including actual law enforcement. He fucked up my life and I still haven't grown from any of the abuse he put me through. It's horrible knowing that he got just what he wanted.
In terms of the one that happened a few days ago. I know there's lots of people that would want to hurt him, but if they do I run the risk of losing the rest of my friends when he ruins my life even more, which he is already starting to do. I'm beginning to feel cursed at this point as this is some sort of running theme in my life.

That last paragraph is painful to read. You can't win and you are so vulnerable you'll fold. Or, you could rehearse and think through the awful consequences if you push back. I've been there. No joke, and I couldn't believe how fast I was reduced to humiliation and constant fear. You need to start thinking about heading out of the circle of friends & relatives etc if it's a small town. I feel real sorry for you. Maybe this will cheer you up. It's a sentence in Mark Helprin's "A Soldier of the Great War". For myself, sometimes it helps me to be abruptly reminded that all of this suffering and terror is optional: