Venting Plans ruined

[Dizzylady80]

As the title says, the plans I had made to ctb are no longer viable. I had written a note for my roommate/ best friend that I had posted up here, and was planning on ordering N and taking it at a special spot I have, a beautiful place, and watching the stars until I fell asleep. Unfortunately, due to my own stupidity, my roommate caught a glimpse of my note, because I didn't realize I had left my notebook turned to that page when they came into my room to talk about some things, and they caught a glimpse of it. They sat down and we talked about it, I told them what I was planning when they asked (I can't lie to them when they ask me things directly, I'm not capable of it), and they were distraught. They begged me to tell them something they could do so they weren't just helplessly waiting for me to die, and since I couldn't stand the thought of that I said we can do this thing where I won't ctb for a week, then they'll check in with me and potentially set a new time frame after that.

This sucks. I don't blame them at all, I absolutely would do the same thing in their position, but this is still just fucking awful. Not only do I still want to die very much, but now this beautiful human is constantly terrified of finding me dead or me not coming home. It's so painful to see. They got so stressed that they relapsed with their eating disorder. And it's all my fault. Like, I could've just lied. But no, I had stuck to my dumbass "no lying to my best friend" policy, now I'm stuck in poverty and never ending physical pain and they're stuck in fear and misery. They said they'd cover the bills and rent if I can't, that I'd never have to be homeless or move back in with my dad who sexually abused me if I run out of money (one of the many reasons I want to ctb) and so now in addition to being an emotional and physical leech (they already do most cleaning and stuff around the house because I'm unable to) I'm a financial leech too. And of course I'm not mad at them, they're a fucking angel and I'd probably do the exact same thing in their position. But god damn it, I'm in a really shitty position now, and they are too. I knew my plans seemed too good to be true

 

[TheSkyIsBlue]

I'm sorry you were put in this situation. It's not easy to lie to a friend, so you did nothing wrong by telling the truth. It's also nice to see thay they care for you. Good luck.

 

[bornfree]

try to help them understand your life is better dead. Try to make them comprehend just how awful it is to feel suicidal.

pain is bad. being forced to suffer against your will is even worse. feeling suicidal is orders of magnitude greater than these two things. It is worse than death already and being forced to suffer and endure even more suicidal thoughts and feelings is so much worse than ordinary pain or being forced to suffer ordinary pain.

You are like a mouse crushed in the hand of human brutality and then the brutality the monsters who call themselves the human race care so much about doing to suicidal individuals crushes your life further. Your life has been made even worse than death. I assume like me you have so many examples of things the care system could do for you to make things less worse than death. I assume you have countless examples of how easy to fulfil your pursuit of happiness is but governments don't care about these things and neither do doctors. To keep on living is like inviting torturers and sadists to have the freedom to torture me in my personal experience.

You have a fragility that is ignored and you're still feeling suicidal because your fragility is ignored. It's good that you have found an angel but they must understand how beyond awful it is to keep on feeling suicidal. It is worse than death. It is beyond the limit of your fragility and vulnerability to survive these torments and tortures.

I assume your message to your angel tried to explain these things. It might not counteract their grief for your death but to help them understand the beyond awfulness of being alive and a life made even worse than death by the britalities the monsters who call themselves the human routinely do to suicidal individuals can help them understand it is the best thing. Else you're going to keep on feeling suicidal and that's not acceptable to you.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

try to help them understand your life is better dead. Try to make them comprehend just how awful it is to feel suicidal.

pain is bad. being forced to suffer against your will is even worse. feeling suicidal is orders of magnitude greater than these two things. It is worse than death already and being forced to suffer and endure even more suicidal thoughts and feelings is so much worse than ordinary pain or being forced to suffer ordinary pain.

You are like a mouse crushed in the hand of human brutality and then the brutality the monsters who call themselves the human race care so much about doing to suicidal individuals crushes your life further. Your life has been made even worse than death. I assume like me you have so many examples of things the care system could do for you to make things less worse than death. I assume you have countless examples of how easy to fulfil your pursuit of happiness is but governments don't care about these things and neither do doctors. To keep on living is like inviting torturers and sadists to have the freedom to torture me in my personal experience.

You have a fragility that is ignored and you're still feeling suicidal because your fragility is ignored. It's good that you have found an angel but they must understand how beyond awful it is to keep on feeling suicidal. It is worse than death. It is beyond the limit of your fragility and vulnerability to survive these torments and tortures.

I assume your message to your angel tried to explain these things. It might not counteract their grief for your death but to help them understand the beyond awfulness of being alive and a life made even worse than death by the britalities the monsters who call themselves the human routinely do to suicidal individuals can help them understand it is the best thing. Else you're going to keep on feeling suicidal and that's not acceptable.

There's too much 'assuming' in this post, and in my opinion, it comes across as encouragement to ctb which is against the rules of this forum.

 

[Dizzylady80]

I think the worst part is that now if I do ctb they'll blame themselves for not doing more when they knew I was suicidal. So I'm stuck here. I don't think I could convince them that I need to die, and I think trying to would only cause them more pain. Idk wtf to do

 

[bornfree]

There's too much 'assuming' in this post, and in my opinion, it comes across as encouragement to ctb which is against the rules of this forum.

sorry i am speaking from personal experience and i am trying to help the poster help their angel to understand what feeling suicidal is

the Op's friend is not able to understand how awful it is to keep on feeling suicidal in my opinion

I think the worst part is that now if I do ctb they'll blame themselves for not doing more when they knew I was suicidal. So I'm stuck here. I don't think I could convince them that I need to die, and I think trying to would only cause them more pain. Idk wtf to do

what would be the perfect outcome if it was possible?

There's too much 'assuming' in this post, and in my opinion, it comes across as encouragement to ctb which is against the rules of this forum.

are you on the side of suicidal individuals?