Venting Planning to ctb tonight

[Lambybahhhhhh]

All I've done today is eat junk food as it is my 'last day'. I don't feel the urge to do it right now, but I know I'll feel it soon. If I don't, Im thinking rereading every shitty message and listening to the most depressing songs I know. Radiohead takes that trophy lol. I don't know why im posting my plans here, I guess it helps my conscience that someone knew what was going through my head.

I feel guilty though, for my partner. They recently got a job, something they've been needing and wanting for a long time and I feel like an asshole for even planning to end my life. They seemed worried when I didn't answer their messages, since I was sleeping. Am I an asshole for doing this to him? As much as I want to think it's their fault, I can't place all the blame for my suicidal thoughts on anyone. And I don't want to, either. It just makes things easier. I just don't want to deal with such pain ever again. I don't want to live, im not cut out for living. Im not.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also see myself as not meant for any of this, I understand wanting to be free from it all, I also just wish to never suffer ever again, I'd never wish for the pain of existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ladylazarus4]

Hey, you still around? I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

 

[Boots2Scoots]

I feel the same way. Partner just got back into work and technically we're doing great in life. But I'm just not built for life. Don't think I ever really was. It pains me to no end thinking about the trauma and suffering it would cause her if I ctb. The thing they don't get is how it feels to be trapped in messed up brains. I see her living life, blissfully ignoring the bad. I always kind of envied her for that.

Posts like yours let me know that in some way, I am human after all. Knowing other people out there are in the same boat... attempting to float but getting knocked over by the waves. If you're still here, I hope today is whatever you want it to be. For better or for worse... I hope it all works out for you in the end

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

Hey, you still around? I'm sorry you're suffering so much.

Yeah, I didn't go through with my plan, and didn't post about it cause I got embarrassed. Thank you for your kindness.

 

[bigbang33]

There is no need to be embarrassed about deciding not to CTB. I think most people here are genuinely happy when they read that someone is still around. I know I am.
I am glad you're still here.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

There is no need to be embarrassed about deciding not to CTB. I think most people here are genuinely happy when they read that someone is still around. I know I am.
I am glad you're still here.

Thank you

 

[platypus77]

I backed out of my plan yesterday.

I have no pressing needs to off myself other than mental health and turns out I'm feeling ok today.

Why not just do whatever the fuck I want until I feel like to go again.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Yeah, I didn't go through with my plan, and didn't post about it cause I got embarrassed. Thank you for your kindness.

You have no reason to explain and it's okay :'))
It happens and sometimes things occur. Like with me I have been finding a staircase to get into an 'accidental accident' and want so badly to not feel shit since I moved but I gotta be cautious of the time and the setting and plus, I am worried about the people who may find me. Have found two places so far, and can't go since I am nervous about people finding me when I'm about to do it and because I experienced other things that took my time away from it.
It's not always about determining whether or not you will succeed and saying such for the sake of it, but the emotion behind everything on how you succeed and the reason why you plan to with it getting through to your body, heart, soul, and mind, and god, those with accidental deaths are so damn lucky :<

 

[human909]

There is no need to feel embarrassed about backing out, i backed out many times before cause i was too afriad.

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

You have no reason to explain and it's okay :'))
It happens and sometimes things occur. Like with me I have been finding a staircase to get into an 'accidental accident' and want so badly to not feel shit since I moved but I gotta be cautious of the time and the setting and plus, I am worried about the people who may find me. Have found two places so far, and can't go since I am nervous about people finding me when I'm about to do it and because I experienced other things that took my time away from it.
It's not always about determining whether or not you will succeed and saying such for the sake of it, but the emotion behind everything on how you succeed and the reason why you plan to with it getting through to your body, heart, soul, and mind, and god, those with accidental deaths are so damn lucky :<

Yeah, I agree that truly feeling your reason to ctb before doing it, is a big factor. Im curious though, why that method? It sounds unnecessarily painful.

I backed out of my plan yesterday.

I have no pressing needs to off myself other than mental health and turns out I'm feeling ok today.

Why not just do whatever the fuck I want until I feel like to go again.

I've been thinking that too. It's almost funny (and frustrating) that the day I planned to ctb, something good happened. Sometimes I wonder if it's the universe conspiring to keep me alive cause there's a point to my existence. Now Im just waiting for something bad to happen again.

 

[platypus77]

I've been thinking that too. It's almost funny (and frustrating) that the day I planned to ctb, something good happened. Sometimes I wonder if it's the universe conspiring to keep me alive cause there's a point to my existence. Now Im just waiting for something bad to happen again.

Why not right? I think that having figured out my plan to CTB, gave me peace. Like a delete button to be pressed just in case.