Szarur-abi
Member
- Apr 25, 2024
- 6
Hello there, i once vented here about my situation so quick recap: 22 yrs old male, girlfriend left for another man, no talents, no skills, bit autistic with depression and anxiety, have few friends but have trouble socialising in general, even on internet forums i find it scary to even write posts like this. (im scared of reactions to post, responding etc)
Im on last year of my degree and i will probably fail in one subject cause im almost sure that teacher hate me and want me to fail, and it will probably happen. Im currently fighting for passing this subject but if it fails, im planning to CTB i wanted to do it even today using SN in secluded university bathroom but realised it would be stupid and someone would save me anyway so in last moment, i didnt drink SN.
So... Basically i always knew i was worthless, ever since i was 10 i cried at nights telling myself i am worthless, 12 years later i still thinks the same. Due to sensory integration problems i find it difficult to do manual tasks so people will find it always weird on how i struggle with simple tasks like tying shoes. Was bullied in school for 10 years, got mental problems cause of that (im scared of people in general, that they may abuse me verbally, or laughing at me which honestly happened several times which only grounded this belief) its... Really difficult to live in the same village you have been bullied and seeing how your former bullies grew to live relatively happy lifes compared to you. My first girlfriend physically abused me (biting, scratching etc) without my consent obviously. Was thinking of dying since when i was 13 yrs, and i think of dying regurly since then, especially when i leave to live "normal life" trying to socialize, yet finding it difficult while being emphatetic enought to realize everyone puts a mask and is secretly suffering maybe even more than me... Iii really want to die when working in groups, i hate everything in them... The pressure to speak, my lack of understanding the dynamics and feeling guilty of being too anxious to even say anything or do anything, or being ostracized for not knowing some obscure fact that i should know, but i dont cause im a idiot or something. Honestly what is funny on how often i hear that university was best times of our teachers life, like hell mate its literally my worst! Also they say it will only get worse, why live if it will only get worse throught ageing? Like what kind of masochist would want to live if he's been told that it will only get worse and that time in his life when he was bullied and lonely was supposed to be "best time of his life"
And, i found this forum and despite me not being active and not posting anything i find comfort in reading people stories and experiences.
I recently bought SN bottle, i stopped lying to myself it will get better, it wont it never had, for past decade my life was nothing but streams of suffering and guilt, while being unable to fit into very fabric of society that every person strives to and needs to in order to feel fulfilled. It wont get better, if i fail the degree i wont be able to bear it, i will CTB through SN if this happens
I won't lie to myself anymore
Im on last year of my degree and i will probably fail in one subject cause im almost sure that teacher hate me and want me to fail, and it will probably happen. Im currently fighting for passing this subject but if it fails, im planning to CTB i wanted to do it even today using SN in secluded university bathroom but realised it would be stupid and someone would save me anyway so in last moment, i didnt drink SN.
So... Basically i always knew i was worthless, ever since i was 10 i cried at nights telling myself i am worthless, 12 years later i still thinks the same. Due to sensory integration problems i find it difficult to do manual tasks so people will find it always weird on how i struggle with simple tasks like tying shoes. Was bullied in school for 10 years, got mental problems cause of that (im scared of people in general, that they may abuse me verbally, or laughing at me which honestly happened several times which only grounded this belief) its... Really difficult to live in the same village you have been bullied and seeing how your former bullies grew to live relatively happy lifes compared to you. My first girlfriend physically abused me (biting, scratching etc) without my consent obviously. Was thinking of dying since when i was 13 yrs, and i think of dying regurly since then, especially when i leave to live "normal life" trying to socialize, yet finding it difficult while being emphatetic enought to realize everyone puts a mask and is secretly suffering maybe even more than me... Iii really want to die when working in groups, i hate everything in them... The pressure to speak, my lack of understanding the dynamics and feeling guilty of being too anxious to even say anything or do anything, or being ostracized for not knowing some obscure fact that i should know, but i dont cause im a idiot or something. Honestly what is funny on how often i hear that university was best times of our teachers life, like hell mate its literally my worst! Also they say it will only get worse, why live if it will only get worse throught ageing? Like what kind of masochist would want to live if he's been told that it will only get worse and that time in his life when he was bullied and lonely was supposed to be "best time of his life"
And, i found this forum and despite me not being active and not posting anything i find comfort in reading people stories and experiences.
I recently bought SN bottle, i stopped lying to myself it will get better, it wont it never had, for past decade my life was nothing but streams of suffering and guilt, while being unable to fit into very fabric of society that every person strives to and needs to in order to feel fulfilled. It wont get better, if i fail the degree i wont be able to bear it, i will CTB through SN if this happens
I won't lie to myself anymore