I just want to put this out into the world without feeling like I'm being treated as if something is wrong with me. I've journaled extensively about my plans but it's not the same because I know that it's unlikely anyone will ever get to see it, at least not until after I ctb.
I'm 21 and I've had SI for years now, probably starting around middle school or late elementary. I tried to hang myself in middle school but haven't had any real attempts since then. By the time I got to high school, I knew my cause of death would most likely be suicide at some point. At the time, my reasoning was because I don't want to get old. I wanted to experience the peacefulness of nothing.
I found this forum a few months ago and the SN method and I was heavvvily considering it until I realized how much of a pain in the ass it is to source in the US. That seemed to be the end but recently I've been having thoughts of following through with alternate methods, mostly driving my car into a tree or driving/jumping off of a bridge or something similar, I just don't want to feel the pain associated. I don't know why I thought about it, but a thought popped into my head a few days ago along the lines of "if SN is hard to get legitimately, what are the chances it's sold on the dark web?" I learned how to set up all the necessary OPSEC and order for DNM when I was around 15 or 16, and surprisingly the knowledge is still pretty fresh in my head. I took an hour this morning to set everything up and I've been considering pulling the trigger and ordering literally all day today. I can only find one source for SN, and I am terrified that the source will disappear and I'll be back at square one of being unable to find SN anywhere. At the same time, I don't want to buy the SN and do something I regret. Some days genuinely are good. Sometimes I can't believe that I've ever even considered suicide, and others, I want nothing more than to just go.
I wrote out a plan today. I'm going to take transit somewhere far from everywhere I know and disappear. I have a city in mind for no reason other than it's in the middle of nowhere but still large enough that I'm confident I'll be able to find a decent place to ctb. I work in a pharmacy and I'm planning to start stealing the pills I need, not sure how soon though. I'll probably try to do it over the course of a few months as to not raise suspicion with computer counts being far off from what we have in the bottles. By the time I steal everything I need, I'll have some alprazolam (benzo), apap/codeine (pain med), promethazine (antiemetic), and SN. I'm hoping the codeine will interact with the promethazine to make a successful attempt more likely, though my plan is still very much a WIP. When I'm ready, I'm going to book a room, travel to my city of choice, dump my wallet and phone along the way (though this I'm still not sure about. I might need ID to check into the hotel), and ctb in the bed of my hotel room. I asked earlier about remaining unidentified and I understand that it's unlikely. I've come to peace with this, though I'd still like to remain missing for a while before it's been officially ruled that I'm no longer alive. In my head, I've always wished that I could just disappear and everyone would forget I existed. I know this won't happen, but a man can dream.
My finances are only getting worse. I hate the direction the US is going towards.
I'm tired of having no real friends. I tried so fucking hard this semester to make literally any friends and I have practically none. I don't mean work friends. I don't mean class friends. I mean people that I can actually hang out with and that enjoy spending time with me for reasons other than wanting to have sex or needing something from me. A colleague of mine from high school messaged me recently and I actually had hope. I thought maybe I had an actual friendship brewing. NOPE lmao. I thought we were just chatting as friends so I told him I was going to a bathhouse last night and less than an hour later he showed up. I was very drunk and I wasn't thinking about how I just wanted friendship and as a result we fooled around a bit. He texted me after asking if I wanted to fuck next time I'm free and I had to rip the bandaid off and tell him I'm just looking for run of the mill friendship and all of a sudden he got very short and curt with his responses. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why I can't just make and keep a regular friendship to save my fucking life. I've had bad social anxiety for a while, but even then I've had friend groups when I was younger which I always fucked up through extreme self-isolation and maybe a bit of anxiety/self-consciousness to the point where we became strangers.
I hate my body. I've had body dysmorphia for a very long time at this point. I had an eating disorder in my freshman year of high school which I think I'm mostly over, but I still have a bad relationship with food. I still avoid mirrors sometimes. Other times I'm extremely obsessed with taking and tracking measurements (particularly my weight and waist size) and I feel like shit for weeks if either go up. It just feels like there's so much wrong with me.
sigh
edit: I'd also like to mention that my family is falling apart. People are growing up and moving away/getting their own lives. My grandad's (who I've loved endlessly since a kid) health is falling. My mom called me and asked me to check on my aunt a few weeks ago because she became actively suicidal. I went to her house and checked on her and she was extremely skinny, her room was a mess, she was sobbing, and she had a gun on the window sill. I tried to console her and tell her I've had feelings like these before, at which point she practically insulted me by saying something along the lines of "for what reason? you're a spoiled child"
I'm 21 and I've had SI for years now, probably starting around middle school or late elementary. I tried to hang myself in middle school but haven't had any real attempts since then. By the time I got to high school, I knew my cause of death would most likely be suicide at some point. At the time, my reasoning was because I don't want to get old. I wanted to experience the peacefulness of nothing.
I found this forum a few months ago and the SN method and I was heavvvily considering it until I realized how much of a pain in the ass it is to source in the US. That seemed to be the end but recently I've been having thoughts of following through with alternate methods, mostly driving my car into a tree or driving/jumping off of a bridge or something similar, I just don't want to feel the pain associated. I don't know why I thought about it, but a thought popped into my head a few days ago along the lines of "if SN is hard to get legitimately, what are the chances it's sold on the dark web?" I learned how to set up all the necessary OPSEC and order for DNM when I was around 15 or 16, and surprisingly the knowledge is still pretty fresh in my head. I took an hour this morning to set everything up and I've been considering pulling the trigger and ordering literally all day today. I can only find one source for SN, and I am terrified that the source will disappear and I'll be back at square one of being unable to find SN anywhere. At the same time, I don't want to buy the SN and do something I regret. Some days genuinely are good. Sometimes I can't believe that I've ever even considered suicide, and others, I want nothing more than to just go.
I wrote out a plan today. I'm going to take transit somewhere far from everywhere I know and disappear. I have a city in mind for no reason other than it's in the middle of nowhere but still large enough that I'm confident I'll be able to find a decent place to ctb. I work in a pharmacy and I'm planning to start stealing the pills I need, not sure how soon though. I'll probably try to do it over the course of a few months as to not raise suspicion with computer counts being far off from what we have in the bottles. By the time I steal everything I need, I'll have some alprazolam (benzo), apap/codeine (pain med), promethazine (antiemetic), and SN. I'm hoping the codeine will interact with the promethazine to make a successful attempt more likely, though my plan is still very much a WIP. When I'm ready, I'm going to book a room, travel to my city of choice, dump my wallet and phone along the way (though this I'm still not sure about. I might need ID to check into the hotel), and ctb in the bed of my hotel room. I asked earlier about remaining unidentified and I understand that it's unlikely. I've come to peace with this, though I'd still like to remain missing for a while before it's been officially ruled that I'm no longer alive. In my head, I've always wished that I could just disappear and everyone would forget I existed. I know this won't happen, but a man can dream.
My finances are only getting worse. I hate the direction the US is going towards.
I'm tired of having no real friends. I tried so fucking hard this semester to make literally any friends and I have practically none. I don't mean work friends. I don't mean class friends. I mean people that I can actually hang out with and that enjoy spending time with me for reasons other than wanting to have sex or needing something from me. A colleague of mine from high school messaged me recently and I actually had hope. I thought maybe I had an actual friendship brewing. NOPE lmao. I thought we were just chatting as friends so I told him I was going to a bathhouse last night and less than an hour later he showed up. I was very drunk and I wasn't thinking about how I just wanted friendship and as a result we fooled around a bit. He texted me after asking if I wanted to fuck next time I'm free and I had to rip the bandaid off and tell him I'm just looking for run of the mill friendship and all of a sudden he got very short and curt with his responses. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why I can't just make and keep a regular friendship to save my fucking life. I've had bad social anxiety for a while, but even then I've had friend groups when I was younger which I always fucked up through extreme self-isolation and maybe a bit of anxiety/self-consciousness to the point where we became strangers.
I hate my body. I've had body dysmorphia for a very long time at this point. I had an eating disorder in my freshman year of high school which I think I'm mostly over, but I still have a bad relationship with food. I still avoid mirrors sometimes. Other times I'm extremely obsessed with taking and tracking measurements (particularly my weight and waist size) and I feel like shit for weeks if either go up. It just feels like there's so much wrong with me.
sigh
edit: I'd also like to mention that my family is falling apart. People are growing up and moving away/getting their own lives. My grandad's (who I've loved endlessly since a kid) health is falling. My mom called me and asked me to check on my aunt a few weeks ago because she became actively suicidal. I went to her house and checked on her and she was extremely skinny, her room was a mess, she was sobbing, and she had a gun on the window sill. I tried to console her and tell her I've had feelings like these before, at which point she practically insulted me by saying something along the lines of "for what reason? you're a spoiled child"
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