planning on ctb

[hikaru13]

I've been thinking on ctb knowing I wouldn't be able to proceed with my 2nd year in university. I don't know if I should but I feel so helpless now and my mind has nowhere else to go.

 

[Dqope]

I am in the same spot as you. This whole year and a bit before that I lost my meaning in life. That's why my grades have been slipping and at the end now I have ordered everything and will do it in a few days if not early next week. Feel you though now I just feel empty - where I should feel angry or sad or in stress its just like I am filling up a void so there is no feeling. Had the same thoughts about ending it at 12 and year by year my the things that I coped with - I cant cope anymore (know too much [i guess ignorance really is bliss sometimes]). There is no meaning to life and no real reason to stay here. Even the family thing - they will probably be sad for a bit but life goes on for them. Even if I tryharded and made it into the 2, 3.... year. What after that? If I don't CTB now I will do it after I finish, if not then then some point down the line. So there is no real point in working for all that shit; parents paying for me and things like that. Better to end it now then later - that's my conclusion. But you have to get to your own conclusion....

 

[hikaru13]

I am in the same spot as you. This whole year and a bit before that I lost my meaning in life. That's why my grades have been slipping and at the end now I have ordered everything and will do it in a few days if not early next week. Feel you though now I just feel empty - where I should feel angry or sad or in stress its just like I am filling up a void so there is no feeling. Had the same thoughts about ending it at 12 and year by year my the things that I coped with - I cant cope anymore (know too much [i guess ignorance really is bliss sometimes]). There is no meaning to life and no real reason to stay here. Even the family thing - they will probably be sad for a bit but life goes on for them. Even if I tryharded and made it into the 2, 3.... year. What after that? If I don't CTB now I will do it after I finish, if not then then some point down the line. So there is no real point in working for all that shit; parents paying for me and things like that. Better to end it now then later - that's my conclusion. But you have to get to your own conclusion....

I'm so sorry to hear that :(( I can feel the pain that you're going through and I don't wish for you to prolong that suffering. I'm not gonna push you to do something because that'd make me feel bad, but do what's best for you dear. Do the thing that'd finally set you free from the pain.

For me I feel like I got no more people to ask. I got no future left for me outside of school, that's all the thing that gives me purpose in life but taking that away from me is like taking everything I have in my life. I do have friends that could probably help but I don't wanna just reach out to them just to ask for money. I am desperate to get some sort of money so I'll probably ask from people I know but if things hit the fan, then I'm continuing this plan.

 

[33K1LLM3]

I know what your going through, I'm planning to ctb by the end of August, I made so many mistakes in life and going to Uni was another one, the constant infantilisation, the coursework I have no motivation to do. I have suffered for too long, I was too weak, I allowed myself to ruin my life, I allowed myself to be used, to be a possession of others, to be caged in this existence. I forced myself to please others, then they force this idea onto me that I'm clever and intelligent when I'm not, simply cause it's their fantasy. People have controlled my grades, used labels as an excuse to make my life into hell, another excuse to control my grades and what they want me to be in life. I should've done this long ago, since I was 12 I wanted to go, but any time I wanted to do it, I wasn't ready. I was to rushful, I wasn't taking my time, I didn't have the real push to actually to do it. Now I'm 19 and I feel like I have the power to unchain myself from their grip now, my life has no purpose and neither does their power over me, which they still seem to have, as like I said, even as an adult I'm still a possession, not a human being. My development has been fucked and I am more or less and bin fire in flesh and bone. So I don't really have any other option now, this is my life and I shall be making this choice. If dying gives you peace in your life, you will know, but until then I wish you the best in life <3

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think failing university isn't a reason to CTB. There are many other options at such a young age and you can be successful without having a uni-degree.

I don't have uni-degree and I also failed at university and I actually had a good life until early 40s.

Failing at university is not the end.

 

[hikaru13]

I think failing university isn't a reason to CTB. There are many other options at such a young age and you can be successful without having a uni-degree.

I don't have uni-degree and I also failed at university and I actually had a good life until early 40s.

Failing at university is not the end.

Mhmm I acknowledge that university is not the end. It just hurts so bad to feel left behind, the only friend that in class will no longer be like that anymore. All the achievements I have, as well as the positions I currently have right now in a bunch of clubs and big organizations at school. I feel like I'm only flushing everything out in the drain when I still wanted to help others, especially the incoming freshmen. I wanted to do a lot of things like tutoring since I really want that but school's starting next week which I don't think I could still catch up to.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Mhmm I acknowledge that university is not the end. It just hurts so bad to feel left behind, the only friend that in class will no longer be like that anymore. All the achievements I have, as well as the positions I currently have right now in a bunch of clubs and big organizations at school. I feel like I'm only flushing everything out in the drain when I still wanted to help others, especially the incoming freshmen. I wanted to do a lot of things like tutoring since I really want that but school's starting next week which I don't think I could still catch up to.

I can fully understand this. But do you you live the life you wanna live or do you pressure yourself to be like you want others to see you?

 

[hikaru13]

I know what your going through, I'm planning to ctb by the end of August, I made so many mistakes in life and going to Uni was another one, the constant infantilisation, the coursework I have no motivation to do. I have suffered for too long, I was too weak, I allowed myself to ruin my life, I allowed myself to be used, to be a possession of others, to be caged in this existence. I forced myself to please others, then they force this idea onto me that I'm clever and intelligent when I'm not, simply cause it's their fantasy. People have controlled my grades, used labels as an excuse to make my life into hell, another excuse to control my grades and what they want me to be in life. I should've done this long ago, since I was 12 I wanted to go, but any time I wanted to do it, I wasn't ready. I was to rushful, I wasn't taking my time, I didn't have the real push to actually to do it. Now I'm 19 and I feel like I have the power to unchain myself from their grip now, my life has no purpose and neither does their power over me, which they still seem to have, as like I said, even as an adult I'm still a possession, not a human being. My development has been fucked and I am more or less and bin fire in flesh and bone. So I don't really have any other option now, this is my life and I shall be making this choice. If dying gives you peace in your life, you will know, but until then I wish you the best in life <3

You described it perfectly :(( I'm sorry you had to suffer for that long and I know how suffocating it is to be living up for something or someone. We have the free will to do what we want, for once in our life we finally get to choose what we want. I'm glad to have found this site because everyone is open-minded and supportive. It's something I didn't really have outside where everybody's just upset that I'm suicidal. I don't go out telling people to do that but they're looking at me like I'm some kind of evil person. Thank you for seeing me as a person, I appreciate that a lot. You too, you are a human being and even though we've only exchanged a few messages I already care about you lots!

I can fully understand this. But do you you live the life you wanna live or do you pressure yourself to be like you want others to see you?

It's 50/50.

I want to finish my studies because that's how important it is for me and so I could be with the only person that gives me some sort of meaning in my life.

 

[33K1LLM3]

You described it perfectly :(( I'm sorry you had to suffer for that long and I know how suffocating it is to be living up for something or someone. We have the free will to do what we want, for once in our life we finally get to choose what we want. I'm glad to have found this site because everyone is open-minded and supportive. It's something I didn't really have outside where everybody's just upset that I'm suicidal. I don't go out telling people to do that but they're looking at me like I'm some kind of evil person. Thank you for seeing me as a person, I appreciate that a lot. You too, you are a human being and even though we've only exchanged a few messages I already care about you lots!

It's 50/50.

I want to finish my studies because that's how important it is for me and so I could be with the only person that gives me some sort of meaning in my life.

Awww ur too kind, it's true though, this site is the closest thing to actual support that we people need, not the constant dehumanisation, the need for pro lifers to have a power struggle, the need for those who don't know what we are going through to lecture us about our lives. We are humans here, no need to thank me please, but thank for you for caring about me and yes I too care about you lots, even with little interaction, it's just amazing to feel like as people we can relate to one and other <3

 

[hikaru13]

Awww ur too kind, it's true though, this site is the closest thing to actual support that we people need, not the constant dehumanisation, the need for pro lifers to have a power struggle, the need for those who don't know what we are going through to lecture us about our lives. We are humans here, no need to thank me please, but thank for you for caring about me and yes I too care about you lots, even with little interaction, it's just amazing to feel like as people we can relate to one and other <3

I appreciate that a lot <333 If you need help with anything, feel free to reach out through convos or sending me a private dm