Help Planning, need advice on what to leave behind

[ItHurtsSoMuch]

Today I reached a point of clarity regarding my desire to ctb. The pain today was unbelievable, and I had to attend a family Easter dinner. It was such a struggle to make it through. But it was one simple thing today that made me realize the time is now and I need to finalize my plan. I have a friend that I believed cared about me. I was holding on for him, and have been for the last year, because he said it mattered to him that I was in this world. We don't talk or text every day, but we had a method to just acknowledge we're glad the other is not dead through Facebook. We both comment on something on a page every day, and then we like each other's comment. Usually I comment first, then he likes my comment, and then he makes a comment, and I like his comment. I know that may seem silly, but it kept me holding on, that one little "like" every day for more than a year. But not today. I commented, he commented, I liked his comment, but he never liked mine. He didn't give me the acknowledgement that he's glad that I'm alive. I've been thinking lately that maybe he's not. I feel like for him just to care about me is a burden on him. He knows he's the beneficiary of my life insurance, that he will get a lot of money if I die, no matter how I die, and I really think that now he's thinking about that money. How much it would improve his life, and the lives of those he cares about. So I think that lack of acknowledgement is his way of telling me it's ok to go now. He knows I'm suicidal. He knows I'm in pain. So now I'm completing my plan, and I have a date, May 29. I'm trying to hold on until that day because that's the day my husband died, and if I die on the same day, my kids and grandkids will only have the one day a year to be sad because of our deaths. My husband will be gone four years this May 29. Now I just have to figure out time, place, and method. I have a will, so no worries about who gets what. Part of me really wants to be at home where I'm comfortable, but that would be too hard on my son and grandson who live with me. Maybe I'll go to the beach and rent a hotel room for several days so there is no risk of anyone finding me too soon. Thoughts or suggestions on that? I'm still trying to figure out method as well. I initially was considering jumping from a high place, but I don't want to inflict trauma on strangers anymore than I can help it. I also thought about swimming out in the ocean until I'm exhausted, but there has to be a body for me to be declared dead and for insurance to pay. Due to multiple surgeries in the past year, I have enough opioids to tranquilize a horse. Any thoughts on that? Also, notes or letters for loved ones, I'm not sure how to handle. I want to try to help them understand, to let them know this is not on any of them, it's all me. Any thoughts on that?
Every day is a real struggle, and it mostly has been since I first attempted suicide, and obviously failed, 40 years ago this week. I was young, and just didn't take enough, and was found by my mother before I could die. I don't want that to happen again, and every single day now I wish I had succeeded then. Any thoughts on how to hold on for six more weeks, and anything else I've mentioned would be appreciated. And thank you for reading. It's so good to have a place where I can say this without worry.

 

[Zeus35]

Today I reached a point of clarity regarding my desire to ctb. The pain today was unbelievable, and I had to attend a family Easter dinner. It was such a struggle to make it through. But it was one simple thing today that made me realize the time is now and I need to finalize my plan. I have a friend that I believed cared about me. I was holding on for him, and have been for the last year, because he said it mattered to him that I was in this world. We don't talk or text every day, but we had a method to just acknowledge we're glad the other is not dead through Facebook. We both comment on something on a page every day, and then we like each other's comment. Usually I comment first, then he likes my comment, and then he makes a comment, and I like his comment. I know that may seem silly, but it kept me holding on, that one little "like" every day for more than a year. But not today. I commented, he commented, I liked his comment, but he never liked mine. He didn't give me the acknowledgement that he's glad that I'm alive. I've been thinking lately that maybe he's not. I feel like for him just to care about me is a burden on him. He knows he's the beneficiary of my life insurance, that he will get a lot of money if I die, no matter how I die, and I really think that now he's thinking about that money. How much it would improve his life, and the lives of those he cares about. So I think that lack of acknowledgement is his way of telling me it's ok to go now. He knows I'm suicidal. He knows I'm in pain. So now I'm completing my plan, and I have a date, May 29. I'm trying to hold on until that day because that's the day my husband died, and if I die on the same day, my kids and grandkids will only have the one day a year to be sad because of our deaths. My husband will be gone four years this May 29. Now I just have to figure out time, place, and method. I have a will, so no worries about who gets what. Part of me really wants to be at home where I'm comfortable, but that would be too hard on my son and grandson who live with me. Maybe I'll go to the beach and rent a hotel room for several days so there is no risk of anyone finding me too soon. Thoughts or suggestions on that? I'm still trying to figure out method as well. I initially was considering jumping from a high place, but I don't want to inflict trauma on strangers anymore than I can help it. I also thought about swimming out in the ocean until I'm exhausted, but there has to be a body for me to be declared dead and for insurance to pay. Due to multiple surgeries in the past year, I have enough opioids to tranquilize a horse. Any thoughts on that? Also, notes or letters for loved ones, I'm not sure how to handle. I want to try to help them understand, to let them know this is not on any of them, it's all me. Any thoughts on that?
Every day is a real struggle, and it mostly has been since I first attempted suicide, and obviously failed, 40 years ago this week. I was young, and just didn't take enough, and was found by my mother before I could die. I don't want that to happen again, and every single day now I wish I had succeeded then. Any thoughts on how to hold on for six more weeks, and anything else I've mentioned would be appreciated. And thank you for reading. It's so good to have a place where I can say this without worry.

Hi, I also plan on going in May too. I'll be doing SN. I'm just waiting for it to arrive. If you want to chat my inbox is open, your welcome :-) I am also hanging on until May. Although I'll be going a few weeks before you. Oddly enough I also have a date set, it all depends when the SN arrives though.

 

[outrider567]

Today I reached a point of clarity regarding my desire to ctb. The pain today was unbelievable, and I had to attend a family Easter dinner. It was such a struggle to make it through. But it was one simple thing today that made me realize the time is now and I need to finalize my plan. I have a friend that I believed cared about me. I was holding on for him, and have been for the last year, because he said it mattered to him that I was in this world. We don't talk or text every day, but we had a method to just acknowledge we're glad the other is not dead through Facebook. We both comment on something on a page every day, and then we like each other's comment. Usually I comment first, then he likes my comment, and then he makes a comment, and I like his comment. I know that may seem silly, but it kept me holding on, that one little "like" every day for more than a year. But not today. I commented, he commented, I liked his comment, but he never liked mine. He didn't give me the acknowledgement that he's glad that I'm alive. I've been thinking lately that maybe he's not. I feel like for him just to care about me is a burden on him. He knows he's the beneficiary of my life insurance, that he will get a lot of money if I die, no matter how I die, and I really think that now he's thinking about that money. How much it would improve his life, and the lives of those he cares about. So I think that lack of acknowledgement is his way of telling me it's ok to go now. He knows I'm suicidal. He knows I'm in pain. So now I'm completing my plan, and I have a date, May 29. I'm trying to hold on until that day because that's the day my husband died, and if I die on the same day, my kids and grandkids will only have the one day a year to be sad because of our deaths. My husband will be gone four years this May 29. Now I just have to figure out time, place, and method. I have a will, so no worries about who gets what. Part of me really wants to be at home where I'm comfortable, but that would be too hard on my son and grandson who live with me. Maybe I'll go to the beach and rent a hotel room for several days so there is no risk of anyone finding me too soon. Thoughts or suggestions on that? I'm still trying to figure out method as well. I initially was considering jumping from a high place, but I don't want to inflict trauma on strangers anymore than I can help it. I also thought about swimming out in the ocean until I'm exhausted, but there has to be a body for me to be declared dead and for insurance to pay. Due to multiple surgeries in the past year, I have enough opioids to tranquilize a horse. Any thoughts on that? Also, notes or letters for loved ones, I'm not sure how to handle. I want to try to help them understand, to let them know this is not on any of them, it's all me. Any thoughts on that?
Every day is a real struggle, and it mostly has been since I first attempted suicide, and obviously failed, 40 years ago this week. I was young, and just didn't take enough, and was found by my mother before I could die. I don't want that to happen again, and every single day now I wish I had succeeded then. Any thoughts on how to hold on for six more weeks, and anything else I've mentioned would be appreciated. And thank you for reading. It's so good to have a place where I can say this without worry.

I'm doing the Nitrogen/Regulator/Flowmeter/Plastic Bag thing---Its painless, you just go to sleep--4 years you're missing your gone spouse you say, its been 3 months for me but it seems like three years--Each day is an awful struggle

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry for all the suffering that has brought you to this point. It must be unbearable being in so much pain. I know that it can be hard to carry on when all you want is to leave this world. I guess one way to pass time would be to sleep as much as possible, sleep can be like a break from this life. I wish you the best in whatever happens and I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm trying to hold on until that day because that's the day my husband died, and if I die on the same day, my kids and grandkids will only have the one day a year to be sad because of our deaths.

I really don't have a comment on the rest of your post, but on what I quoted by you above, I just want to say that's not how that works, if they actually care about you. Deceased loved ones are thought about all the time. At least for me they are.

 

[ItHurtsSoMuch]

I really don't have a comment on the rest of your post, but on what I quoted by you above, I just want to say that's not how that works, if they actually care about you. Deceased loved ones are thought about all the time. At least for me they are.

I do think about my deceased loved ones every day, but on the anniversaries of their deaths, I re-live the day very intensely like I don't on other days. With my husband, on May 29, I re-experience laying next to him, feeling him stop breathing, listening to that last heartbeat in his chest, and realizing there would not be another one. On that day, I could barely get out of bed every year since. This is after re-experiencing my mother's death every May 20, beating myself up that I didn't make it to her before she died. It's like that for everyone I'm close to. I re-experience their losses on the anniversary of their deaths. Maybe that's just me that goes through that. I know the sadness in my home and family is deep on that day. If I go on the same day, then hopefully the deep sadness can just be on the one day. I don't know. But it seems like a good day to ctb.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I completely understand everything you're saying and I can see how traumatic for you it would be re-living that day on an "anniversary" day as sad as that, and how much more intense the pain you feel would be on that day. Those types of anniversaries are very difficult to bear. It was not my intent to, in any way, diminish the increased anguish you must feel on those days when they come rolling around each year and I apologize if that's how my post came off to you. I have many of those dates myself, that I deal with on an annual basis. As far as my original posting, for me, I think about all of the special people who were in my life on a daily basis. It's not just you who goes through that stuff, either. My mother was very much like that when the dates of her mother and father's death rolled around each year, along with her most cherished friends, as well as her sister. I think the only one who may know what's best to do is you as far as picking a date, if you must, and I do understand your reasoning for choosing the date you are contemplating. I'm sorry for your losses. I'm sorry for all of our losses. I wish no one ever had to suffer the sorrow of losing people close to them, nor live with agonizing pain. Peace be with you now and with you when you choose to do whatever you decide, whenever that may be.



As far as your title asks on what to leave behind..............when going through my mother's strongbox last year after she passed-away, I found a series of about 6 or 7 handwritten letters to me telling me how much she loved me, and what a good son I was, and how proud she was of me. things like that. They were, in essence, the same, but they were all different, if you know what I mean. They were all dated and were written over several years. They mean a lot to me. They do make me cry when I read them, but they, also, remind me each time I read them how wonderful my mother was, not just as a mother, but as a human being. I think something like that would be a wonderful gift for your children and would mean the world to them for the rest of their lives. The ones my mother wrote me are counted as just about, no, are the most important possessions I have in my life now.

 

[magicalsarcoma]

Oh, what you wrote sounds really sad. I don't have much to say, but im sorry that life can turn out to be so problematic, traumatic and rueful
About how you can distract yourself for 6 weeks (or more?). Maybe it's corny, but what about escapism, if it's possible? I can occupy myself for days with books, lectures or scientific literature, if they are interesting to me. Learning something new about what you really like is nice, isn't it? For a while, it was also pleasant for me to try to imagine something, to fantasize, to create in my head concepts of some other worlds, non-existent diseases/creatures or scenarios of life.
About what you could leave behind. Probably, your loved ones ones know better. I can assume that they would be happy to get something related to you and permanent. For example, a home sweater. Or some kind of decorative carved figure for the interior (maybe it can also be an idea what to do for 6 weeks). Someone here suggested letters. I think it's a good idea too. Personally, i also thought that can be a good idea to write not just letters, but, for example, poems, if you've never written poetry before. Or paintings. I mean, something that would be nice and unexpected. Of course, if it wouldn't be too difficult and too demanding of effort

 

[Cathy Ames]

I just want to mention, re. Facebook, there have been multiple occasions where I "liked" something, and, for whatever reason, the "like" didn't register or show up.

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

I want to try to help them understand, to let them know this is not on any of them, it's all me. Any thoughts on that?

Your son and grandson would be very unusual if they accepted that. Although that could depend on how familiar they are with your level of pain.

"If only I/we had done enough or been enough..."

Can you talk to them about it first? Most of us are pretty aware that we have a lot of influence over our friends and family. I'm not sure what you could say to eliminate their feelings of guilt over not doing or being enough, even knowing how much you hurt. It's not a rational process.

Hugs.

 

[ItHurtsSoMuch]

I'm a week out now. My best friend knows I'm going through something, says he wants to see me, but just can't find the time. Same story I've heard my whole life. I really matter to him, but not that much. I've spent my whole life being a consolation prize. But this weekend, my grandson really needs me for something important to him, and I don't know if I'll be able to get away to take care of this on May 29. May have to wait a few more days. People needing me is the hard part. I know so many people want to be needed. I don't. I want to be wanted. It's two very different things. When someone reaches out to you out of need, it's very different than when someone reaches out to you out of want. I miss that feeling. I haven't been hugged in weeks. I'm rambling I know, just trying to figure things out.

 

[Lullaby]

I'm a week out now. My best friend knows I'm going through something, says he wants to see me, but just can't find the time. Same story I've heard my whole life. I really matter to him, but not that much. I've spent my whole life being a consolation prize. But this weekend, my grandson really needs me for something important to him, and I don't know if I'll be able to get away to take care of this on May 29. May have to wait a few more days. People needing me is the hard part. I know so many people want to be needed. I don't. I want to be wanted. It's two very different things. When someone reaches out to you out of need, it's very different than when someone reaches out to you out of want. I miss that feeling. I haven't been hugged in weeks. I'm rambling I know, just trying to figure things out.

I was thinking about you recently, and I'm glad to see you're still here.

I know how you're feeling. I know what it's like to be there for everyone else but it feels like no one is really there for you. It's hard…but I have two things to say. You are definitely wanted.

I'm not sure what your grandson needs, but you say it's important to him, and he wants you for this. It's possible he could've asked anyone else but he came to you. You're important to him.

Maybe you can also pick someone who's most important to you, and share that you're struggling. For a lot of people, they really don't realize the extent of what we're dealing with. I think if you shared how you're feeling with someone you trust, you'd be pleasantly surprised and it might give you some relief to have a bit of support.

I'm not asking or trying to get you to change your mind at all, but I just wanted to share that with you.

 

[thejumper]

Hey, you cannot read your friend's mind. Maybe he's not thinking all the things you mentioned. I just want you to be less judgemental, that's it.
I wish you peace in whatever decision you make.