Venting Planning my CTB around other people's schedule is exhausting

[Nightmare Painting]

I just want to be able to leave whenever I want but I'm being held back by the people around me and my own incompetence. I don't have more than a couple of hours of alone time at home and I'm tired of having to wait for the right opportunity. Three decades of emptyness and suffering and I can't even have one day to myself to end it all.

I'm agoraphobic and while I could somehow probably force myself to rent a hotel it'd be far too suspicious of me to go anywhere during Winter especially considering I'm a shut in anyways. I have 3 kinds of SN and my meto should be here soon but I've been having the urge to try to get N since it works faster and would make it easier to leave in those couple of hours. I don't have the energy or the know how to figure out crypto to buy N; I wish I could just leave with my SN any time I wanted. I'm sick of the waiting and having to bottle everything up my entire life especially at the end. I cannot afford to fuck this up, I need to leave and I feel trapped.

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that if someones decision is to leave this world then that should be respected by others and they should be able to die peacefully. Suicide should not be so stigmatised, the right to die is a human right. I wish we lived in a world where I was able to get euthanasia and then there would be no secrecy and waiting for the right opportunity. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I know that it can be horrible to feel trapped. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.