MeowWantsToGoHome
Missing the Moon 🌙
- Sep 11, 2024
- 65
Hi everyone,
I'll start off by saying that I fully intend on this year being my last. I have two viable and reliable methods to choose from in the hopefully near future—firearm and SN.
Both have their pros and cons in my eyes. I have a .44 revolver that will be more than enough to make the lights go out. I can technically use that whenever I want, but I do live with people, so I need to be smart in making sure I'm alone.
In regards to SN, I admit I never really gave it much thought until my nightly ADHD sleeplessness took me on a rabbit hole where I ended up discovering DMC within, like, the first hour of my research. I realized I probably should have given the method more thought and looked into it deeper a long time ago. I didn't realize how simple and readily available it was.
But there's still the issue of money and actually being able to buy it. I've been unemployed due to mental disabilities for quite a long time now and my boyfriend is currently financially supporting me. I don't come into money often—really only on my birthday and Christmas do I get maybe a couple hundred dollars if I'm lucky that year. So, I figure while I wait for those things to come around later on in the year (my birthday is in September), I might as well try to sell some of my higher value things to get the money sooner. Currently I'm trying to sell one of my online game accounts that has quite a bit of value to it.
I might sell my modded Switch and even my laptop, but I'm not sure yet. For some reason, even though I know I'm not gonna need those things when I'm gone, it feels… silly to sell them for "CTB money." Like, wow… Am I really that desperate? Granted, I'm not desperate enough to go about it in a completely undignified way like stealing. I decided if I'm going to CTB, I want it to be in the most peaceful, clean, dignified way possible. One of the reasons I'm so partial to SN is because of the much nicer state my body will be in as opposed to the absolute horrific mess a gun would leave.
But I also acknowledge that I'm not perfect and there's still a chance I'll just say fuck it and go with the gun. I'd really like to avoid that though, honestly… If I can stand to.
Like I said earlier, I'd very much like for this year to be my last, and preferably sooner rather than later. I've waited and put up with this agony for so long… I'm exhausted and ready to be done. I've had so many failed attempts already that I truly wanted to work, so now I'm choosing ones that I couldn't possibly survive if done correctly. And trust me, I've done the research.
I'm tired of feeling like this world is trying to trap me here. Trapping me in a place where I'm not happy just for the sake of breathing one more day.
Anyway, I'll be following up with updates if I come into some money soon. I'd love to get my SN ordered and finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief.
I'll start off by saying that I fully intend on this year being my last. I have two viable and reliable methods to choose from in the hopefully near future—firearm and SN.
Both have their pros and cons in my eyes. I have a .44 revolver that will be more than enough to make the lights go out. I can technically use that whenever I want, but I do live with people, so I need to be smart in making sure I'm alone.
In regards to SN, I admit I never really gave it much thought until my nightly ADHD sleeplessness took me on a rabbit hole where I ended up discovering DMC within, like, the first hour of my research. I realized I probably should have given the method more thought and looked into it deeper a long time ago. I didn't realize how simple and readily available it was.
But there's still the issue of money and actually being able to buy it. I've been unemployed due to mental disabilities for quite a long time now and my boyfriend is currently financially supporting me. I don't come into money often—really only on my birthday and Christmas do I get maybe a couple hundred dollars if I'm lucky that year. So, I figure while I wait for those things to come around later on in the year (my birthday is in September), I might as well try to sell some of my higher value things to get the money sooner. Currently I'm trying to sell one of my online game accounts that has quite a bit of value to it.
I might sell my modded Switch and even my laptop, but I'm not sure yet. For some reason, even though I know I'm not gonna need those things when I'm gone, it feels… silly to sell them for "CTB money." Like, wow… Am I really that desperate? Granted, I'm not desperate enough to go about it in a completely undignified way like stealing. I decided if I'm going to CTB, I want it to be in the most peaceful, clean, dignified way possible. One of the reasons I'm so partial to SN is because of the much nicer state my body will be in as opposed to the absolute horrific mess a gun would leave.
But I also acknowledge that I'm not perfect and there's still a chance I'll just say fuck it and go with the gun. I'd really like to avoid that though, honestly… If I can stand to.
Like I said earlier, I'd very much like for this year to be my last, and preferably sooner rather than later. I've waited and put up with this agony for so long… I'm exhausted and ready to be done. I've had so many failed attempts already that I truly wanted to work, so now I'm choosing ones that I couldn't possibly survive if done correctly. And trust me, I've done the research.
I'm tired of feeling like this world is trying to trap me here. Trapping me in a place where I'm not happy just for the sake of breathing one more day.
Anyway, I'll be following up with updates if I come into some money soon. I'd love to get my SN ordered and finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief.
