Physical damage/disease leading to thoughts of ending it all...

[benjamind2020]

A long list of problems - all connected to the same thing - my ears, the both of them, they won't stop having these episodes where hearing randomly cuts out (happens in either one ear or the other, never both at the same time), and when hearing returns it always leaves damage that presents itself in the form of voices sounding like robots, squeaks, honks, husky sounds, chirps, etc, as well as what sounds like old 90s style dialup modems when high frequencies are presented. Low frequencies produce a bubbling sound in the right ear, like a resonance on a broken subwoofer.

But one of the worst symptoms is nerve damage. Yes, neuropathy. A nerve or a network of nerves has been damaged by some mysterous disease process. I suspect it's involving blood vessels because this all happens in a matter of seconds. Going to my GP and discussing long COVID and discussing the potential treatment plan involving antiplatelet drugs, anticoagulants, and something along the lines of Somac (which protects your GI tract from the other two drugs) leads to nowhere. GP gets angry that I bring up blood thinners, even though that treatment is the one most likely going to jettison this thing once and for all and put an end to my stupid frequent SBUTTs that get more crazy the closer I am to a major episode, and episodes of ISSNHL, cochlear distortion (DAMAGE), and other horrible symptoms, the worst of which is now near constant vertigo and a constant ache and tingling in the right ear (and occasionally the left), plus a sensation that I have something in my ear that no matter how q-tips I put in there won't ever come out because it's not a bug or a worm, it's a messed up nerve from some sort of inflammation or blockage that starved that nerve of some of the oxygen that it needed to keep working propery. The result, everything feels off, many things sound off, and it also spread to my left side, and then kept hitting the left side, then right side a few times, then left side a few times, and it is just keeping it up.

The end result of this is that I, as a musician, and someone who used to be active and did lots of resistance and cardio/bike training, can't do that due to the vertigo intensifying and me having bad falls due to it. When listneing to music, mens voices can sound funny at times, and it's like there is another layer of sound or a honk or a squeak. I am told it is Menieres but I think I know what the cause is: Either autoimmunity or vascular, in the second case it's going to be bad and depressing because I know with the right meds I could have kicked this thing in the arse before it got to this point. Had some doctor bothered to listen to ALL of my symptoms and understood what was going on. Your hearing doesn't just change drastically in a matter of seconds without there being some sort of strong autoimmune or vascular component. So, I've discussed treatments with my GP and yet he fobs me off, and even gets angry when I mention blood thinners. But hey, that's what they use to treat hearing loss especially if its sudden and especially if it is happening in seconds and leading to all these screwed up sounds. It makes me so angry I want to stab myself in the head and neck with a fruit knife because I know that this could have been fixed, at least I did steroids, even though that didn't always work to the best extent, but I'm left with debilitating problems and I want out. I recall smashing my fists into my head to the point of a concussion and possible brain damage, three times, once in November 2022 and twice in January and February 2023. Possibly as a result of these self-bashings I now have hydrocephalus which is causing worsening vision and balance problems. I just shudder at how easily I could hit one of the vital arteries in my neck in a fit of blind rage. This is beyond depression this is approaching borderline psychotic.

I have so many questions to ask people who are in a position to prevent further damage and a massively increased risk of self-destruction. Why...just why can't the damned doctor listen to my concerns, order an antinuclear antibody (ANA) test, a viral titer test to see if there are herpesviruses raping my cranial nerves, or blood thinners/antiplatelets/anticoagulants to see if it's actually long COVID causing all these microclots that NEED TO BE CLEANED UP OR THEY WILL CONTINUE TO SCREW ME UP. Seriously, the last one is very simple. JUST TREAT THE DAMNED THING AND GET RID OF THE BLOODY MICROCLOTS.

Do I REALLY need to KILL MYSELF because of something that a doctor MIGHT be able to fix...before it's too late and my hearing is COMPLETELY SCREWED, along with worsened balance problems and worsened neurological pain?

Surely, surely, surely, someone has to understand and be able to help me...BEFORE IT'S TOO BLOODY LATE.

 

[Darkover]

the body is so frail and easily damaged, it hardly repairs itself if something goes wrong. And how fucked up is the fact that we've evolved to experience a tremendous potential for pain yet the bodily processes do little to mitigate the cause.

The fragile nature of the human body was among the initial clues to the recklessness of procreation that eventually brought me to antinatalism. To this day, I just wonder why people accept life in such a frangible form.

It's such a joke that we possess this much consciousness, yet our physical form could easily be destroyed in an instant.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so torturous and painful what you are going through, it's truly so cruel how people suffer so unbearably in this existence. But anyway I wish you all the best, I hope that you find the relief you are searching for.

 

[VeryShy]

That is an extremely difficult condition. I wish you that in the end you find the peace that you're looking for.

 

[benjamind2020]

My way to handle this is to look back to when I learned all about role playing. Here I am, the one who is suffering, and there is my body, the one who is causing all this suffering. I see these as two different characters, and one (my body) is continuously trying to hurt the other one (myself - or one could say it's actually my mind, it doesn't matter, I don't care, it's the same thing, your person is defined by your brain, and by extension, your mind).

Teh way I see it, is I have to FIGHT this other character before he or she does me further injury, to a point where I will decide to kill them. I need DOCTORS, ones that are SMART and WILLING to help me fight this wretched character. Sadly, killing this character will involve the end of my life as well, because that character is my own body, and I need a heart, lungs, organs, brain, to survive. But at the same time, I want to kill the enemy because whoever it is has destroyed any semblance of normality or what was expected of my life. So I want to destroy them. And that means that I will die as well, because these two characters are so intimately intertwined that they are essentially the same entity.

The best way to deal with this character is to STOP them from causing further harm, because that would preclude my need to literally KILL them.

Demons, such as the ones I am fighting, are the quintessence of mental illness. But it was a physical illness that caused all this, because physics controls everything, and you can never deny it. So mental IS physical, no matter how you look at it.