Petty or justified? The duality of notes

[Phobia_DLW]

Alright, I've tried looking around to see if this has been discussed well enough before and could not find much, if it has already, apologies, send the link please.

So here is the deal, in most cases where I see people discussing leaving a note(s), its usually for people they care about or want to give some closure to, at this point in time, I am pretty certain that I am going to leave such notes.

That is what I am leaning towards right now, however, I am also tempted to leave certain additional notes.

What I am wondering about is leaving the opposite of the aforementioned notes, so if a normal note leads to closure, I'd want these to cause distress.

Yes, I know it looks petty and I also don't like picturing myself doing it. At the same time, there are people who not only hurt me a lot but whose actions and decisions brought consequences for my life and contributed significantly to the state in which I find myself today. People who only ended up gas lighting me later as well. I really want to return the favor.

Bear in mind I am also someone who does not like confrontation with people and try to avoid it, so when someone does something shitty, I say and do nothing and just bottle it up.

I even thought about being extra petty and scheduling periodic emails with different content. Yes, even thought about sending from different email addresses in case they block one. I mean, why even stop there, why not send notes to people they know and specifically name drop them and things they did and said?

But this is what got me thinking, do I wanna see myself spiraling into revenge? Or am I justified?

Am I being petty/malicious? Justified? Feel free to be brutally honest.

 

[ZwartHartje]

I don't know what the situation is and what these people have done to you, but if you feel it's deserved, go for it.
The question is if they'll even care though.
And one cave-at, of course: you should be very sure that you won't end up with a failed attempt - that would likely make it embarrassing for you.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

I don't know what the situation is and what these people have done to you, but if you feel it's deserved, go for it.
The question is if they'll even care though.
And one cave-at, of course: you should be very sure that you won't end up with a failed attempt - that would likely make it embarrassing for you.

Thanks. Yea I thought about them not caring which is why I was getting tempted with the emailing people they know idea. Yea every note will be scheduled via email, and so even if there is a failure, there would be a time buffer and a chance for me to cancel them.

 

[name2come]

First and foremost, the purpose of writing a note is for you. You can't control how people respond to the note, whether its heartfelt or vindictive. Indeed, I think there is considerable chance that a note of comfort will be met with scorn and bitterness and a note of anger will be met with sullen indifference. You leave the note because its something you felt the overwhelming need to say and this is your literal last chance to say it.

As such, there isn't an objective guide to what is the right choice. That's up to you. What I'd probably tell you is that people who didn't care about you in life are unlikely to care any more in death. I can appreciate the impulse to try to expose them to others. Will it work? It depends. If we're talking low-grade stuff, well, assholes usually surround themselves with other assholes that might not care any more than your target. If you're trying to damage their reputation, consider the possibility they may not have much of a reputation to begin with. Its hard to get back at the kind of people who will gaslight you, because they gaslight everyone in their lives and a lot of those people will be predisposed to be on their side. Some people are just awful, wretched people and you can't do anything to impact that but try to limit your exposure to them. That can be easier said than done for some, but the intrinsic problem with awful, wretched people is that they are already okay living their lives like that. Once they've made their own peace with what they are, it insulates them from a lot of accountability.

 

[Phobia_DLW]

First and foremost, the purpose of writing a note is for you. You can't control how people respond to the note, whether its heartfelt or vindictive. Indeed, I think there is considerable chance that a note of comfort will be met with scorn and bitterness and a note of anger will be met with sullen indifference. You leave the note because its something you felt the overwhelming need to say and this is your literal last chance to say it.

As such, there isn't an objective guide to what is the right choice. That's up to you. What I'd probably tell you is that people who didn't care about you in life are unlikely to care any more in death. I can appreciate the impulse to try to expose them to others. Will it work? It depends. If we're talking low-grade stuff, well, assholes usually surround themselves with other assholes that might not care any more than your target. If you're trying to damage their reputation, consider the possibility they may not have much of a reputation to begin with. Its hard to get back at the kind of people who will gaslight you, because they gaslight everyone in their lives and a lot of those people will be predisposed to be on their side. Some people are just awful, wretched people and you can't do anything to impact that but try to limit your exposure to them. That can be easier said than done for some, but the intrinsic problem with awful, wretched people is that they are already okay living their lives like that. Once they've made their own peace with what they are, it insulates them from a lot of accountability.

Thanks, that was insightful.

Just to provide a little context, I am referring to people who:

1) Forced me to commit to certain decisions because that is what they saw as best or how they would have chosen to do things in their own lives. Well, maybe it would have worked for them but clearly it didn't work out for me. The gaslighting is from telling me "You have xyz now so it worked out", well, I didn't want xyz, I wanted something else so I'm now miserable and honestly resentful, not only of them but also of myself.

2) People who are very wary of their reputation, did not respect my perspective and tried to frame their actions as "tough love".

Now the thing is, I don't think they meant any malice, they truly thought the things they did and said was best for me, evidently not, as I said, it has left me with resentment towards them and myself, especially myself because I should have done what I believed was right.

My dilemma is that I don't want to respond to non-malice with malice. At the same time, the resentment weighs heavy on me and I want to get it out. I have already cut contact with those who treated me awfully and knew what they were doing, I am not concerned with leaving them notes or anything.