Discussion Pessimistic nihilism holds me back from ctb.

[fkyou]

Pessimistic nihilism holds me back from ctb. That kind of sadness where the only reality of life is your sad reality now. Where you can't imagine people are happy because the things that happened to you shaped your beliefs around everything in life.i find myself unable to act on ctb because I don't want to believe in this sadness.im fine with being the outcast that had to leave,but not think that people out there are miserable.why do I even think like this? Of course people are okay and happy.i swear I have gone crazy.all it takes is one negative thought and my brains dives in a circle of pessimistic nihilism. I guess I shouldnt think like this to be okay. Im only finding out about this now I don't know why I didn't realize this before. I guess I used those thoughts to justify ctb for myself but it fired back.i shouldn't have.maybe this is the byproduct of the people that shame suicide and consider it a stupid decision.when we are put under pressure.so we get angry at them dismissing our struggle/pain and come up with greater reasons to justify leaving.like the kid who's angry at their parent and says" the world is a dangerous place I didn't ask to be born fk you" I'm so stupid.why would I even entertaine a bad thought and make myself miserable.ive been doing this all this past 2 years if I want to leave I should just leave without making shit up