Venting Personal vent journal

[fungus]

I think I will do it like some others her, so I don't need to always open a new thread just because I want to vent.
Oh and bad english, because not my native language.

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I think the worst thing is that I don't know what is wrong with me.

I mean my childhood was okey. I had tendencies to mental health problems but nothing in my life was so fucked up that it can explain why I turned out to be so broken.
The relationship to my parents? Weird and fucked up.. why? No idea.
Relationship to all my past friends? Complicated, tireting and also not working.
Even the therapeutic relationship that I have with my therapist is just catastropic.

I really want to have any kind of connection but everytime I trie it just does not work. I need it, but I also hate it.

And it will not get better. The more I grow up, the more people expect me to handle things like an adult. To solve my own problems, to care for myself etc.
But of course I am in this weird inbetween phase were People expect me to be an adult but I can't do what older people are able to do.
Responsebility without the freedom.
And I hate it. If I get suffocated in all this expectations while I just try to figure out how to not ctb I at least want to have the freedom to break down and just be alone and express my suffering.
But no I can't because If I do the people around me will suffer and feel guilty.

Like I get it.
I am joung I have all my life before me so I just suck it up for the next years and hope that some magical farry will make everything better. I try changing since I am a child but that is just not enough.

So if it does not get better it is my own fault, because I am not open enough for change and I could try harder.
But giving up and saying I just can't make it better is also selfish.
Like I can't win. I just can't. Eather I suffer or my familly.

If I express too much of my feelings, I get send to the psychward and my parents would feel guilty and be in tears. And that just hurts even more and make me suffer more.
So I don't.
I like the psychward. It is shit, but I have never feelt so free to just be not okey and be depressed. Kind of selfish but it just feelt so good to not feel any responsebility for the feelings of the people around me. I didn't care if the people were concerned or annoyed about me just not getting out of bed or skipping meals.
But it was a one time holiday that I can't repeat.

My parents only react to things or take them seriously when I crash out and it is this really serious thing and everyone is suprised and sad and whatever. They tell me that I can talk about everything but then I try and it just does not work. If they don't react to some of the easier issues seriously, how do they expect me to tell them my deepest struggels.

I love them and it is the most hurtfull feeling because I would literaly rather die then be confronted with them feeling bad because of me. And they would feel bad if they would know that I think like that.

I am even suprised I got over my 18 birthday alive. This is longer then I gave myself. But as a kid I thought that with 18 things change. That I then have enough freedom to get better. But it just does not work like that.

 

[fungus]

I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do. I didn't clean my desk, didn't write the emails I was supposed to, didn't even document the things I should for therapy. And I already know tomorrow my therapist will just get frustrated with me and probaly get upset. At this point I am just waiting for the moment were she will give up and kick me out. I can't get the energy to actual do better.
I am just so tired of doing all the stuff. I also didn't do any of the hobbies I wanted to do.
Like I am at a point where I even drive my therapist to despair. And I really don't want to go to bed and have to go trough a new day tomorrow. I am near my breaking point, but I can't do anything against it, but also can't allow myself to break down.
Why can I not just get run over by a fucking car and die and thats it. Like no guilt for familly because of me suiciding, and I don't need to live.
I just want to bedrot, but because always someone is around who would get really concernd and whatever and try to 'help' in the most unhelpful and stressing way, even that is not possible. Just leave me the fuck alone and let me be miserable. I have so little control over my life that I am not even be alowed to be unhappy and show it.