Personal carbon monoxide method experience, run through and advice.

[knion]

Hey everyone!

Whilst I understand that this post is probably better suited for one of the mega threads, I think posting it as it's own thread might be beneficial? I don't really know though.
Anyways, here I go.

This post is a little long, so apologies in advance. However, if you are considering the carbon monoxide method I would recommend you possibly read…. Not to give myself an inflated sense of importance or anything, just I wish I'd had an opportunity to read an in depth walk through I'd what could happen before I tried.

I have set this post out into sections in hopes of making it at least a little easier to navigate and read.


1)INTRO

In late August of this year I tried to end my life through the carbon monoxide charcoal method.
Whilst I obviously failed my attempt, I would like to state that this is still my method of choice, I mean, to be completely honest, this attempt might have actually solidified my choice even more.

I'd like to preface what you are about to read by saying, I by NO MEANS encourage anyone to end their life; I just want to share my experiences incase anyone may find them helpful, useful or even just interesting.


2)WHERE I LIVE

I guess Its as good a way as any to start by saying that I live in the UK, although I don't think there will be much difference in the possibility of doing this method, no matter where you are.


3)EQUIPMENT (?)

For my attempt in august I bought 4 ready made 'small' charcoal BBQ's from Homebase, although you can get them from Sainsbury's and pretty much anywhere else. I had had the BBQ's for about 2-3 weeks before using them, but on the night I tried to end it all I went to sainsburys, got a nice bottle of vodka and a bag of ice (the ice was used in the process later).


4)METHOD/ MY STORY/ MY EXPERIENCE

On the night it took place I lit all 4 BBQ's (although I only planned on using 3).
I let the BBQ's burn for half an hour whilst drinking some vodka and lemonade (but not excessively, I wanted to make sure I had my physical faculties ready and able to use). By half an hour the charcoal had stopped producing flames and was just simmering.

At this point I poured the bag of ice into a large-ish metal bucket that I use as a bedroom bin (I've had it since I was a kid, so I regret to inform you that I don't remember where I got it from). I then proceeded to fill a metal popcorn bucket with the 4 trays of charcoal. They filled the bucket to the brim. (this bucket is available usually (but not always) at Odeon as a promotional item (for example, mine was a fast and furious one… but I digress)).
I then put the popcorn bucket into the ice (which I'd created a bucket shaped hole in) using oven gloves (and just as a warning, this is still pretty damn hot).

From this point, I picked up the buckets and took them to my car. My car is a VW UP! Just for reference size.
Before putting the charcoal into my car, I set the air filter to recycle, I closed all of the air conditioning vents, turned off the fans and turned off the AC.
I set the passenger seat as far back as it could go and put the charcoal on in the passenger seat footwell.

After this I got the rest of my drink and some paracetamol and got into my car. This is where I made my first and second mistake, which I will explain later.

I turned my car on so that I could have some low lighting (that came from the speedometers and the sat-nav) and I connected my phone via Bluetooth and started playing my CTB playlist. (Although neither of these parts are necessary).

At this point, I took 2 paracetamol (in a successful-ish attempt to prevent headaches), I carried on drinking vodka and I took one 50mg tablet of sertraline, because I thought why not (I think more sertraline would've seemed like the best idea for someone attempting suicide, but I'm very glad that I didn't, I'm almost certain it would've made the experience so much worse).

Anyways, from then, I just chilled and listened to music, and I have to say, it is one of the most calm moments I have ever experienced in my life. If this attempt had continued like this, I would've been successful


5)FAILURE

I managed to do what I said above for about 2-3 hours, when suddenly an immense state of panic overtook me. My ears were hissing and I couldn't sit still.
All of a sudden my chest hurt and (funnily enough) I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Then, I threw up on myself, not once, but twice. Not to be overly or unnecessarily gross, It was disgusting and stank and was slimy and uncomfortable (I am only saying this to suggest that you consider carefully what you eat as your final meal). I knew that this was a possibility, but "of course it won't happen to me".

At this point, not only was I almost completely out of it and not thinking rationally, but discomfort and fear overtook me and I called my girlfriend to tell her what had happened.
She drove down immediately to help me and got me out of the car (which I wanted by this point btw, so bear in mind how you may act when completely Intoxicated and… well, poisoned).
My girlfriend called an ambulance whilst I collapse to the floor, almost fainting and I wept and drooled for the first time since I was a young child.
An ambulance would've taken 3 hours (this part isn't a necessary detail, but I thought I'd throw it in to say FUCK THE WAITING TIMES (even though I am aware that nobody can really help it at the moment) and to take this into consideration when planning suicide…. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS PLAN FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF FAILURE).

So, I went into my house, got changed and then my girlfriends Mum and Sister had to wake up, come and get me and take me to the hospital.


6)HOSPITAL

this section isn't going to be a long one, don't worry. I just want to share my experience of this, incase anyone is interested. If you don't particularly care about my personal story, move on to the next section! :) (and I hope that doesn't sound as passive aggressive as I think it does)
When I got to the hospital I checked in, I had to announce out loud that I had attempted suicide in front of all the other patients waiting to be seen.
I then waited roughly 3 hours to be seen.

Whilst I waited, I sobered up and felt surprisingly not too bad.
If you ever find yourself in this situation, you may notice that your eyes will be bloodshot and your skin will turn red, but this goes away shortly, so don't worry, there shouldn't be any permanent damage.


When I was finally seen by A&E I was put on oxygen overnight for 2 ish hours, with bloods being taken 3 times.

*IMPORTANT NOTICE* if you end up in the hospital as a result of a failed carbon monoxide suicide attempt, be prepared for needles and lots of them. As much as they took my blood 3 times, they jabbed me many more.
This method makes your blood extremely difficult to take so be prepared for bruises and many needle holes on your arms and hands.

After the doctors were happy with my oxygen levels they kept me in to keep an eye on me for about half an hour (but mostly because the psychiatrist started that morning and it was almost that time).
The psychiatrist saw me and asked me questions, referred me to a mental health place in the local area and then I was off home.

(Just as an added bonus to this story, when I got home, I slept with my girlfriend by my side until my parents got back from a trip they were on, and needless to say they weren't too happy with me. They were both angry and upset (understandably?))
(ALSO, when I woke up, I was greeted with the need to call in sick to work, to which I was greeted with "you'll need a sick note if you call in sick any more"…. This was after me missing one day previously AND being made aware that I had spent THE NIGHT IN HOSPITAL)


7)BLOOD AND OXYGENATION

I am CERTAIN that this attempt would've been successful if I hadn't thrown up and panicked and gotten out of the car.
My reason for this is that when I was in the hospital, not only were the doctors EXTREMELY surprised when they did my first blood test (and they picked up my treatment rather quickly after they got the results), but I also saw drops of my blood on the floor from when they were taking my blood; It was almost Luminous red. And whilst deoxygenated blood is usually a dark red, this colour was DEFINITELY not normal.

"A deep red, flushed skin color (cherry red) is the one telltale indicator of carbon monoxide poisoning. It comes from high levels of carboxyhemoglobin in the blood.
Unfortunately, it is often a postmortem examination that reveals such a bright red coloring. The level of carbon monoxide in the blood required to get the skin to that color is so high that it is nearly always fatal."- (Not the best source, but 'verywellhealth.com')

"The bright red color of the blood also makes the currently available oximeters unreliable. If there is a suspicion of CO poisoning, an arterial blood gas must be obtained along with COHb levels." -(Janis M. Miyasaki, in Handbook of Clinical Neurology, 2011)

"Carbon monoxide is not 'ejected' due to acid, therefore carbon monoxide poisoning disturbs this physiological process hence the venous blood of poisoning patients is bright red akin to arterial blood since the carbonyl/carbon monoxide is retained. Hemoglobin is dark in deoxygenated venous blood, but it has a bright red color when carrying blood in oxygenated arterial blood and when converted into carboxyhemoglobin in both arterial and venous blood, so poisoned cadavers and even commercial meats treated with carbon monoxide acquire an unnatural lively reddish hue."- (…. Yeah… this ones Wikipedia, but is cited as: Stryer L, Berg J, Tymoczko J, Gatto G (2019-03-12). Biochemistry. Macmillan Learning. ISBN 978-1-319-11467-1.).

Anyways, I don't wanna talk on and on about this blood stuff TOO much more, so, I'll continue.


8)MISTAKES AND CHANGES I WOULD MAKE.

So, now for the good part, which you've probably been waiting for (and it might just be a little underwhelming).

I said earlier that I made two mistakes when making my attempt.

1)The first mistake was NOT TAKING A SICK BUCKET INTO THE CAR WITH ME.
This mistake is only a minor one though.


2)The second mistake and probably the most helpful piece of advice I can give is to MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SIT IN WITH THE CHARCOAL WHILST THE CARBON MONOXIDE IS BUILDING.

There was a post I saw on this website not too long ago which talked about a theory. The theory said that you could possibly bypass the nausea and headache that comes with carbon monoxide poisoning if you wait a while before getting in with the carbon monoxide, but they also said that there is little evidence to suggest this.

Whilst I can't say that I've successfully done the version of this method in which you wait for the space to fill with carbon monoxide before getting in with it, I CAN say that I've been through the alternative, and I do not wish that on anyone.
I highly Highly highly recommend that if anyone were to CTB with this method that they wait outside for a while.
I blame almost entirely my stupidity in not waiting for my failure with this method.


9)FINALLY

Anyway, if you're still here and managed to read through this heavy heavy string of text, all I can say is thanks, and I hope you found it interesting or potentially helpful.

I'd like to finish this… essentially essay, by saying that if/ (really) when I decided that it is time to CTB, I WILL be using this method again.

I think that the method I used was perfect in all ways apart from not having a sick bucket and not waiting outside of my car (which may have seen kinda obvious to some people). Also, if possible, I may try to get anti sickness medication for next time if possible, but I'd like to think I'd be long passed out by the time vomit becomes a problem.


I would also like to finish by saying (without sounding imposing) that I don't see why anyone would EVER choose any other method than this one. Apologies if this is rude or overstepping boundaries.
I understand that many people advocate N, and I can see why they might, it seems rather peaceful, but in a way it seems very similar to the carbon monoxide method, but less accessible… I mean, as far as I can tell, I can't see a reason as to why charcoal shouldn't be easily accessible to everyone in every country.
The only thing I can see that is overly beneficial about N over Carbon monoxide is that some people don't have access to a space in which carbon monoxide can fill the area.
Honestly, I am not judging anyone for their choice of method… obviously. I mean, heck, at my worst times when I was much younger (when I wasn't educated on the carbon monoxide method) I considered jumping and cutting to CTB.
But I mean, other than the ease of access, I feel that the carbon monoxide method gives you a chance to do the things you really enjoy (if there even are any) whilst you drift off.
You can listen to music, or watch your favourite film. You can even eat whatever you want, unlike N where I'm pretty sure you have to not eat before it…. although, as I said earlier, think about the possibility of vomiting anyways. You can even take your time deciding what day you want to do it and not feel pressure to do something painful, or get rid of evidence. I mean having/ buying charcoal BBQ's and isn't exactly something that anyone is going to take a second glance at (unless you've tried this method once before….).

ANYWAY… finally, for reals, As I said before. Thank you for reading this long as heck post, and feel free to ask questions or interact with this in any way you deem fit!

I wish you all peace in both life (if that is even possible) and death.

 

[trying.to.find.peace]

Do you think the nausea would not be an issue if the CO were allowed to build prior to entry? Also wouldn't you just let out all the CO when you open the door to enter the vehicle? A carbon monoxide detector would have been handy to know the levels in the car during your experience. Thanks for sharing your story!

 

[knion]

Do you think the nausea would not be an issue if the CO were allowed to build prior to entry? Also wouldn't you just let out all the CO when you open the door to enter the vehicle? A carbon monoxide detector would have been handy to know the levels in the car during your experience. Thanks for sharing your story!

Thanks for your reply!

To answer your questions, yeah, I don't think that the nausea would be an issue (or at least as much of one) because I'd like to think that I'd be passed out before the nausea even started (for example, if I went for a run whilst waiting for the car to fill up and intentionally hyperventilated, potentially I'd pass out within a few breaths).

As for the air being let out of the car, that does seem to be an issue, and I have considered it.
I came to the conclusion that if you were quick, not much air would be able to escape. And either way, if you got in without the CO building up, you'd in the same boat as if all the air came out when opening the door anyways.
So I'd argue it's better to at least try to get into a space full of CO than just go in knowing that you're in there as it builds. And even then, potentially there would still be at least some CO left in the space, even if some leaves, so starting at some is better than starting at none.

And yeah! Thank you for the recommendation of a carbon monoxide detector, I had considered it and it would probably be the best and most intelligent way of going about it. I guess it's just personal preference that I don't really want to KNOW or be thinking about whether there's enough CO in the car with me. Not only would I probably prefer to focus on the music and my thoughts, but I can't imagine facing a low reading and knowing it's going to be a long drawn out night.

Anyways, thanks for reading! And again thanks for your reply!

 

[1Mazda16]

You make some good points. This isn't my preferred method, but will definitely reconsider it. With your gf and parents knowing, won't it make another attempt much more difficult? As they will now be watching you closely? I liked your point about the CO method and being able to do what you want in the last hours. This is important to me, too. Glad you're alive and hopefully many fruitful days ahead.

 

[knion]

You make some good points. This isn't my preferred method, but will definitely reconsider it. With your gf and parents knowing, won't it make another attempt much more difficult? As they will now be watching you closely? I liked your point about the CO method and being able to do what you want in the last hours. This is important to me, too. Glad you're alive and hopefully many fruitful days ahead.

Thank you for reading! And thanks for your reply!

You are most certainly right about my girlfriend (now fiancé funnily enough (which I feel kind of evil about… but that's an entirely different problem)) and parents keeping a close eye on me.
However, this method only takes a few hours (half an hour to burn charcoal, about an hour/ hour and a half to fill the car, and about an hour or two to start to feel the effects. So let's say, hopefully max if things go wrong 5-6 hours).

My parents still work and so does my fiancé, whereas I am (hopefully understandably) still off sick, with hopes of quitting soon. If things get too bad again too soon, I'd like to think I could repeat this method whilst they are all in work (although, I feel awful about them finding me. But I guess that a problem for everyone).
Other than that, I'd probably just wait for a day where my parents are away visiting friends or something.

Also, in general, my parents kept a pretty close eye on my for the first month or so after my attempt, but things are reverting to a pretty normal-ish pace again.


And yeah! As for being able to use the last moments of my life to listen to music and think about life, it was probably one of the best things about this method I can think of. And as I said before, it was probably the most relaxed I have ever felt in my life.


Also, If you don't mind me asking, what method are you considering using?

Anyways, thank you for your kind words. I don't regret my attempt and I wish it had been successful, but I can't say I haven't had SOME
good moments since then, so I'm also thankful to a degree to be alive (even if it is only for that). I wish you many fruitful and amazing days ahead too!

Thanks again!

 

[trying.to.find.peace]

I think the CO detector is an indispensable tool. What if the levels never reach fatal and your just left puking in a bucket... if you know the level you could add more charcoal as needed for a quicker end and to lessen the suffering.

 

[Lifeispointless]

What brand of charcoal did you use? And how much do you think you used? I've tried this method before using Kingsford charcoal and I burned them for an hour and a half and they never stopped smoking and they were almost completely reduced to ash.

 

[knion]

I think the CO detector is an indispensable tool. What if the levels never reach fatal and your just left puking in a bucket... if you know the level you could add more charcoal as needed for a quicker end and to lessen the suffering.

Thank you so much!
I'll DEFINTELY consider it for my next attempt.

I guess my only concern with this is finding out that the level IS too low and will take a long time to kill me. Do I really want to know that this is the case?
Like, as you said, I could add more charcoal, but I'd have to do this outside again as you need to wait for the flames to stop before the charcoal is viable for CO poisoning.
So I'd either have to have flames and carbon Dioxide inside my car, or leave my car and let the CO out.
I think, as much as it pains me to say this, I'd have to just rely on my trusty sick bucket and try ride it out, and I'd prefer to do this without the knowledge of how long it'll take.

But as I said! Thank you for your input. I may change my mind surrounding this after consideration.

What brand of charcoal did you use? And how much do you think you used? I've tried this method before using Kingsford charcoal and I burned them for an hour and a half and they never stopped smoking and they were almost completely reduced to ash.

Hey! Thanks for your reply!

I used 4 sets of Bar-be-quick: https://www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/product/tableware/bar-be-quick-fsc®-single-instant-bbq

I burned them inside of their tinfoil bases and poured them into the bucket after they had finished flaming and smoking.

So yeah, I guess it's not really the best way of being SURE, but I didn't weigh/ measure the charcoal. But I read online that 3 would do the job, so I bought 2 sets of 2 and used all 4 because… why not?
And as far as I can tell, it worked.

 

[Bedrock48]

I think the CO detector is an indispensable tool. What if the levels never reach fatal and your just left puking in a bucket... if you know the level you could add more charcoal as needed for a quicker end and to lessen the suffering.

Only trouble with this is most commercial CO detectors don't detect in ranges high enough to be super beneficial.

 

[trying.to.find.peace]

Only trouble with this is most commercial CO detectors don't detect in ranges high enough to be super beneficial.

I think even the cheap ones will go up to 1000ppm. At least you can know that if its only showing 500ppm that you have no where near enough charcoal and your just wasting your time.

 

[Bedrock48]

Thank you OP for this post, this will hopefully be my method when the time comes but I'll be using binchotan charcoal in a tent.

The vomiting is definitely a concern of mine so I agree to let it sit for probably a good 20 minutes. I'm planning to knock myself out with therapeutic doses (or close enough) of co-codamol, quetapine and Mirtazapine. I considered alcohol too but in case of successful ctb I don't like the idea of it being potentially deemed an accident.

Hope you're doing well in yourself and not having any bad long term effects of the attempt.

 

[fay13]

why did u need the ice bucket? sorry for the rookie question but charcoal burning suicide is my go to method also , what do u think about doing it in my small sealed bedroom ? is this a good idea or a car is the only option? thank you

 

[1Mazda16]

Thank you for reading! And thanks for your reply!

You are most certainly right about my girlfriend (now fiancé funnily enough (which I feel kind of evil about… but that's an entirely different problem)) and parents keeping a close eye on me.
However, this method only takes a few hours (half an hour to burn charcoal, about an hour/ hour and a half to fill the car, and about an hour or two to start to feel the effects. So let's say, hopefully max if things go wrong 5-6 hours).

My parents still work and so does my fiancé, whereas I am (hopefully understandably) still off sick, with hopes of quitting soon. If things get too bad again too soon, I'd like to think I could repeat this method whilst they are all in work (although, I feel awful about them finding me. But I guess that a problem for everyone).
Other than that, I'd probably just wait for a day where my parents are away visiting friends or something.

Also, in general, my parents kept a pretty close eye on my for the first month or so after my attempt, but things are reverting to a pretty normal-ish pace again.


And yeah! As for being able to use the last moments of my life to listen to music and think about life, it was probably one of the best things about this method I can think of. And as I said before, it was probably the most relaxed I have ever felt in my life.


Also, If you don't mind me asking, what method are you considering using?

Anyways, thank you for your kind words. I don't regret my attempt and I wish it had been successful, but I can't say I haven't had SOME
good moments since then, so I'm also thankful to a degree to be alive (even if it is only for that). I wish you many fruitful and amazing days ahead too!

Thanks again!

My methods are SN, Nitrous, and handgun. Although I would put CO in there, now. Many years ago I tried the CO--running car in a closed garage--did not run hose from muffler. I thought it would be quick, but wasn't. I still remember the smoke buildup and awful smell. It was so bad that I aborted after 45 minutes. I read later that you should have a full tank of gas to start. Obviously, your method is very different. BTW, did you get any smoke buildup in the car? Regards.

 

[fay13]

My methods are SN, Nitrous, and handgun. Although I would put CO in there, now. Many years ago I tried the CO--running car in a closed garage--did not run hose from muffler. I thought it would be quick, but wasn't. I still remember the smoke buildup and awful smell. It was so bad that I aborted after 45 minutes. I read later that you should have a full tank of gas to start. Obviously, your method is very different. BTW, did you get any smoke buildup in the car? Regards.

he burned the charcoal outside for 30 min , that should be enough for the smoke to be gone

 

[knion]

Thank you OP for this post, this will hopefully be my method when the time comes but I'll be using binchotan charcoal in a tent.

The vomiting is definitely a concern of mine so I agree to let it sit for probably a good 20 minutes. I'm planning to knock myself out with therapeutic doses (or close enough) of co-codamol, quetapine and Mirtazapine. I considered alcohol too but in case of successful ctb I don't like the idea of it being potentially deemed an accident.

Hope you're doing well in yourself and not having any bad long term effects of the attempt.

Hey!

Thank you for your reply. All replies are greatly appreciated.

As always, I'm sorry to hear that you're thinking of ending your life as well. I hate to imagine anyone feels the same way I do, so I empathise with you and everyone else completely!
If you ever get around to ending your life I wish you peace, but if not, I wish you a great life.

Anyways, I recently got prescribed Mirtazapine as I'm coming off of sertraline (mostly because of jaw clenching and general crappy feeling). I haven't started it yet, but I've heard it can make you very drowsy.
I hadn't considered trying to make myself more sleepy. Well, at least I hadn't considered it SERIOUSLY because I thought all sleeping pills/ ways of becoming drowsy were basically illegal or very difficult to come by in the UK. So thanks for sharing your intentions as it has made me reconsider using medication to assist in passing out.

As for the drinking, I can completely see why you wouldn't want it to seem like an accident.
I guess one way to be sure people know it's not an accident is write down your intentions fully (even if that doesn't end up being a usual suicide note, if you are against that).

Personally, I just love drink, it's been a massive help in the passing years for preventing my death as long as it's been prevented so far. It makes me able to think about one thing at a time and actually enjoy myself, however, it is becoming a lot less effective and a lot less easy to afford as I get older, as well as being difficult to deal with hangovers now that I'm starting to face the need for full time employment.
Anyways, I digress, I love drink, and I couldn't really imagine my death (at least in this way) without at least a nice buzz.

And finally, thank you very much for your well wishes, they are equally returned.
I am lucky enough to not have caused myself any loss of my mental or physical faculties, so I guess some would consider me lucky in that respect.
Although, sometimes I wish that I could've ended up brain dead, or could've caused great damage to my brain, leaving me mentally handicapped.
I am by no means arguing that life is easy for people who are disabled, but sometimes I feel that MY life would be so much easier, or even closer to what I want it to be If I weren't fully able.
Call me lazy, but I just don't want to do anything, and being fully capable and healthy kinda makes it impossible to do that at the minimum through expectations from family, friends and other people in society.

Anyway, thank you again for your reply! I hope I haven't overdone my reply, as I said, I'm coming off of my sertraline and I can find myself being pretty manic every so often.

I wish you All the best,

Knion.

why did u need the ice bucket? sorry for the rookie question but charcoal burning suicide is my go to method also , what do u think about doing it in my small sealed bedroom ? is this a good idea or a car is the only option? thank you

Hey!

Thanks for trusting me enough to answer these questions for you!

I put ice in the first, larger bucket mostly to stop any downward and sideways heat from escaping the charcoal in the smaller bucket.
Whilst I had to accept there would be a large element of heat coming from the charcoal, I didn't want to just willingly roast myself.

The ice prevented heat escaping through the bottom and sides of the bucket, decreasing the speed at which my car heated up AS WELL AS preventing any burning of the materials in my car.
Not only did this (in my mind) prevent my car from being difficult to sell through damage from heat, but it lessened the chances of a major fire/ explosion as well as stopping the smell of melting plastic making the whole situation worse!

Secondly, as for attempting this method in a small bedroom, I honestly couldn't in good conscience tell you whether it would be successful or not.
All I can say is that I am hugely confident that it WOULD have been successful in my car if I hadn't left. I'm sorry that I couldn't be more help in this matter.

If I could just give my opinion, I hate to say that I am highly sceptical that this method would work in anything much larger than a car, at least with the amount of charcoal I used.

If it's any help, there are a few documented instances in which a broken fireplace in peoples living rooms and bedrooms allowed CO to escape, causing death whilst they were asleep, although that is all I really know on the subject of room sized CO deaths.

Other than all of that, I hope that you find what you're looking for and achieve peace, in either death or life… although I am in no way encouraging you to end your life.

Thank you,

Knion.

 

[HomesickAlien]

This is my first-choice method. Thank you for your story!
Did the charcoal leave any smell in your car? Or any other signs that anything's been burning, such as bent or smoky-looking panels or fabric?
I wish you all the best with any decision you make moving forward.

 

[knion]

My methods are SN, Nitrous, and handgun. Although I would put CO in there, now. Many years ago I tried the CO--running car in a closed garage--did not run hose from muffler. I thought it would be quick, but wasn't. I still remember the smoke buildup and awful smell. It was so bad that I aborted after 45 minutes. I read later that you should have a full tank of gas to start. Obviously, your method is very different. BTW, did you get any smoke buildup in the car? Regards.

Hey!

Thanks for your reply! (I think I might stop saying this now… but it doesn't mean I'm any less thankful for replies in future)

I think it's always a good idea to have some other methods up your sleeve, and I must admit I commend your courage to even think about going through with using a handgun to CTB. I am immensely fearful of pain, so I find those kinds of methods rather alien.

I've read into and heard a lot about using exhaust fumes to CTB, but even walking past cars on the street was enough to put me off of that.
I've got to say yet again, I commend your courage with going through with that method.


To answer your question about smoke buildup in the car, there was none.
I was either quite lucky, or this is just how it works, but as far as I know there was no smoke build up in my car. My car steamed up, and it got rather warm and it has a slight (really rather insignificant) smell, similar to how a used match might smell (but even less than that). To be completely candid with you though, the smell could possibly have been caused by the metallic paint on the 'fast and furious' popcorn bucket melting off, but it's hard to say.
Other than all of that, there was no Smokey build up, or anything too upsetting that happened as a result of the charcoal burning.

One thing that is worth saying is that I remember vividly my fiancé (girlfriend at the time) telling me that my car smelt quite strong of a smoke and was surprised I could stand it.
So whilst I say that there was no overwhelming Smokey smell (I am certain there was no smoke), I'd take it with a pinch of salt.
I may just have a poor sense of smell, or maybe because I was sat in there as the CO built I couldn't recognise the smell getting worse.

All I can do is be honest, and in my opinion, the heat, small smell and sensations I felt in the car were all worth it, and I'd do it again.

Anyways, yes, thanks for your reply! And I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do,

Knion.

This is my first-choice method. Thank you for your story!
Did the charcoal leave any smell in your car? Or any other signs that anything's been burning, such as bent or smoky-looking panels or fabric?
I wish you all the best with any decision you make moving forward.

Hello!

This is an awesome question, so thank you! (Rather ironically, I'm really enjoying answering these questions).

I have just replied to a comment and that reply should be above this reply, I talked about the smell in that one.
However, in respect to the smell REMAINING in my car after my attempt, the doors were left open whilst I went to the hospital, and we're closed when someone got back home, so I'm pretty sure they were open for around an hour. This was all to ensure that all of the CO had left my car. If my memory serves correctly, the smell was gone before I even left for the hospital.

As for the fabric, Windows and other materials, everything was absolutely fine! The burning charcoal did not leave a trace! The only thing worth mentioning is that my car is a little more susceptible to condensation than it was before.

After all of that, what I will say is that I cannot stress enough to take into account mistake number one from my original post.
I don't want to get too grim, but the cleanup of my car from the vomit is one of the worst things I've had to do in a very very long time. My parents made me do it the day after I got home from the hospital because they said "it was an important thing for me to do"
Anyways, my car smelt of vomit for a few months after my attempt (and occasionally still does), there is also a large white stained looking patch on the drivers seat from where my stomach acid and cleaning products had taken some of the colour from the material. (Sorry for getting into that detail).

Anyways, I hope all of this answered your questions! And again, thanks for the questions in the first place,

I wish you all the best and thank you for your well wishes,

Knion.

 

[Bedrock48]

Hey!

Thank you for your reply. All replies are greatly appreciated.

As always, I'm sorry to hear that you're thinking of ending your life as well. I hate to imagine anyone feels the same way I do, so I empathise with you and everyone else completely!
If you ever get around to ending your life I wish you peace, but if not, I wish you a great life.

Anyways, I recently got prescribed Mirtazapine as I'm coming off of sertraline (mostly because of jaw clenching and general crappy feeling). I haven't started it yet, but I've heard it can make you very drowsy.
I hadn't considered trying to make myself more sleepy. Well, at least I hadn't considered it SERIOUSLY because I thought all sleeping pills/ ways of becoming drowsy were basically illegal or very difficult to come by in the UK. So thanks for sharing your intentions as it has made me reconsider using medication to assist in passing out.

As for the drinking, I can completely see why you wouldn't want it to seem like an accident.
I guess one way to be sure people know it's not an accident is write down your intentions fully (even if that doesn't end up being a usual suicide note, if you are against that).

Personally, I just love drink, it's been a massive help in the passing years for preventing my death as long as it's been prevented so far. It makes me able to think about one thing at a time and actually enjoy myself, however, it is becoming a lot less effective and a lot less easy to afford as I get older, as well as being difficult to deal with hangovers now that I'm starting to face the need for full time employment.
Anyways, I digress, I love drink, and I couldn't really imagine my death (at least in this way) without at least a nice buzz.

And finally, thank you very much for your well wishes, they are equally returned.
I am lucky enough to not have caused myself any loss of my mental or physical faculties, so I guess some would consider me lucky in that respect.
Although, sometimes I wish that I could've ended up brain dead, or could've caused great damage to my brain, leaving me mentally handicapped.
I am by no means arguing that life is easy for people who are disabled, but sometimes I feel that MY life would be so much easier, or even closer to what I want it to be If I weren't fully able.
Call me lazy, but I just don't want to do anything, and being fully capable and healthy kinda makes it impossible to do that at the minimum through expectations from family, friends and other people in society.

Anyway, thank you again for your reply! I hope I haven't overdone my reply, as I said, I'm coming off of my sertraline and I can find myself being pretty manic every so often.

I wish you All the best,

Knion.

It's truly ok. I've been going round this roller-coaster a few years now and struggling with finding the meaning behind continuing. Talking so openly helps me cope.

Mirtazapine has been the first medication (in conjunction with quetapine) I've seen much benefit and thankfully not suffered with any noticeable side effects apart from drowsiness. Maybe you'll find benefit with it too although mh meds are never an exact science.
No worries, everyone's ctb journey is different but I hope this'll make things more bearable for myself at least. In times of great mental pain I've used it to hasten sleep (not recommendeding this, that's how you fry your organs lol).

I'm not a massive drinker personally but I do have sympathy for you using it to get through life.

That's pretty awesome you got out still well, I get what you're saying. Life sucks a lot of the time and you just wish someone would take over the reins once in a while. Personally wouldn't call you lazy, just someone struggling with the shitty hand life dealt them.

Anytime dude, I can't say I'm the best at support but I like the discussion. Wherever possible I hope life treats you kinder in future.

Regards

 

[bettyboop40]

Thanks for sharing your story, I have been interested in this method but unsure how to go about it so this has been insightful. Thanks

 

[knion]

Thanks for sharing your story, I have been interested in this method but unsure how to go about it so this has been insightful. Thanks

I'm glad you found this post insightful! Thanks for your reply

 

[trying.to.find.peace]

Do you think you would be more successful using 6 or 8 of those little bbqs? I heard you only need 1 to be fatal but you sat there for 2-3 hours with 4 of them and your still alive. Charcoal method seems very unreliable.

 

[edu0z]

Hey everyone!

Whilst I understand that this post is probably better suited for one of the mega threads, I think posting it as it's own thread might be beneficial? I don't really know though.
Anyways, here I go.

This post is a little long, so apologies in advance. However, if you are considering the carbon monoxide method I would recommend you possibly read…. Not to give myself an inflated sense of importance or anything, just I wish I'd had an opportunity to read an in depth walk through I'd what could happen before I tried.

I have set this post out into sections in hopes of making it at least a little easier to navigate and read.


1)INTRO

In late August of this year I tried to end my life through the carbon monoxide charcoal method.
Whilst I obviously failed my attempt, I would like to state that this is still my method of choice, I mean, to be completely honest, this attempt might have actually solidified my choice even more.

I'd like to preface what you are about to read by saying, I by NO MEANS encourage anyone to end their life; I just want to share my experiences incase anyone may find them helpful, useful or even just interesting.


2)WHERE I LIVE

I guess Its as good a way as any to start by saying that I live in the UK, although I don't think there will be much difference in the possibility of doing this method, no matter where you are.


3)EQUIPMENT (?)

For my attempt in august I bought 4 ready made 'small' charcoal BBQ's from Homebase, although you can get them from Sainsbury's and pretty much anywhere else. I had had the BBQ's for about 2-3 weeks before using them, but on the night I tried to end it all I went to sainsburys, got a nice bottle of vodka and a bag of ice (the ice was used in the process later).


4)METHOD/ MY STORY/ MY EXPERIENCE

On the night it took place I lit all 4 BBQ's (although I only planned on using 3).
I let the BBQ's burn for half an hour whilst drinking some vodka and lemonade (but not excessively, I wanted to make sure I had my physical faculties ready and able to use). By half an hour the charcoal had stopped producing flames and was just simmering.

At this point I poured the bag of ice into a large-ish metal bucket that I use as a bedroom bin (I've had it since I was a kid, so I regret to inform you that I don't remember where I got it from). I then proceeded to fill a metal popcorn bucket with the 4 trays of charcoal. They filled the bucket to the brim. (this bucket is available usually (but not always) at Odeon as a promotional item (for example, mine was a fast and furious one… but I digress)).
I then put the popcorn bucket into the ice (which I'd created a bucket shaped hole in) using oven gloves (and just as a warning, this is still pretty damn hot).

From this point, I picked up the buckets and took them to my car. My car is a VW UP! Just for reference size.
Before putting the charcoal into my car, I set the air filter to recycle, I closed all of the air conditioning vents, turned off the fans and turned off the AC.
I set the passenger seat as far back as it could go and put the charcoal on in the passenger seat footwell.

After this I got the rest of my drink and some paracetamol and got into my car. This is where I made my first and second mistake, which I will explain later.

I turned my car on so that I could have some low lighting (that came from the speedometers and the sat-nav) and I connected my phone via Bluetooth and started playing my CTB playlist. (Although neither of these parts are necessary).

At this point, I took 2 paracetamol (in a successful-ish attempt to prevent headaches), I carried on drinking vodka and I took one 50mg tablet of sertraline, because I thought why not (I think more sertraline would've seemed like the best idea for someone attempting suicide, but I'm very glad that I didn't, I'm almost certain it would've made the experience so much worse).

Anyways, from then, I just chilled and listened to music, and I have to say, it is one of the most calm moments I have ever experienced in my life. If this attempt had continued like this, I would've been successful


5)FAILURE

I managed to do what I said above for about 2-3 hours, when suddenly an immense state of panic overtook me. My ears were hissing and I couldn't sit still.
All of a sudden my chest hurt and (funnily enough) I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Then, I threw up on myself, not once, but twice. Not to be overly or unnecessarily gross, It was disgusting and stank and was slimy and uncomfortable (I am only saying this to suggest that you consider carefully what you eat as your final meal). I knew that this was a possibility, but "of course it won't happen to me".

At this point, not only was I almost completely out of it and not thinking rationally, but discomfort and fear overtook me and I called my girlfriend to tell her what had happened.
She drove down immediately to help me and got me out of the car (which I wanted by this point btw, so bear in mind how you may act when completely Intoxicated and… well, poisoned).
My girlfriend called an ambulance whilst I collapse to the floor, almost fainting and I wept and drooled for the first time since I was a young child.
An ambulance would've taken 3 hours (this part isn't a necessary detail, but I thought I'd throw it in to say FUCK THE WAITING TIMES (even though I am aware that nobody can really help it at the moment) and to take this into consideration when planning suicide…. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS PLAN FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF FAILURE).

So, I went into my house, got changed and then my girlfriends Mum and Sister had to wake up, come and get me and take me to the hospital.


6)HOSPITAL

this section isn't going to be a long one, don't worry. I just want to share my experience of this, incase anyone is interested. If you don't particularly care about my personal story, move on to the next section! :) (and I hope that doesn't sound as passive aggressive as I think it does)
When I got to the hospital I checked in, I had to announce out loud that I had attempted suicide in front of all the other patients waiting to be seen.
I then waited roughly 3 hours to be seen.

Whilst I waited, I sobered up and felt surprisingly not too bad.
If you ever find yourself in this situation, you may notice that your eyes will be bloodshot and your skin will turn red, but this goes away shortly, so don't worry, there shouldn't be any permanent damage.


When I was finally seen by A&E I was put on oxygen overnight for 2 ish hours, with bloods being taken 3 times.

*IMPORTANT NOTICE* if you end up in the hospital as a result of a failed carbon monoxide suicide attempt, be prepared for needles and lots of them. As much as they took my blood 3 times, they jabbed me many more.
This method makes your blood extremely difficult to take so be prepared for bruises and many needle holes on your arms and hands.

After the doctors were happy with my oxygen levels they kept me in to keep an eye on me for about half an hour (but mostly because the psychiatrist started that morning and it was almost that time).
The psychiatrist saw me and asked me questions, referred me to a mental health place in the local area and then I was off home.

(Just as an added bonus to this story, when I got home, I slept with my girlfriend by my side until my parents got back from a trip they were on, and needless to say they weren't too happy with me. They were both angry and upset (understandably?))
(ALSO, when I woke up, I was greeted with the need to call in sick to work, to which I was greeted with "you'll need a sick note if you call in sick any more"…. This was after me missing one day previously AND being made aware that I had spent THE NIGHT IN HOSPITAL)


7)BLOOD AND OXYGENATION

I am CERTAIN that this attempt would've been successful if I hadn't thrown up and panicked and gotten out of the car.
My reason for this is that when I was in the hospital, not only were the doctors EXTREMELY surprised when they did my first blood test (and they picked up my treatment rather quickly after they got the results), but I also saw drops of my blood on the floor from when they were taking my blood; It was almost Luminous red. And whilst deoxygenated blood is usually a dark red, this colour was DEFINITELY not normal.

"A deep red, flushed skin color (cherry red) is the one telltale indicator of carbon monoxide poisoning. It comes from high levels of carboxyhemoglobin in the blood.
Unfortunately, it is often a postmortem examination that reveals such a bright red coloring. The level of carbon monoxide in the blood required to get the skin to that color is so high that it is nearly always fatal."- (Not the best source, but 'verywellhealth.com')

"The bright red color of the blood also makes the currently available oximeters unreliable. If there is a suspicion of CO poisoning, an arterial blood gas must be obtained along with COHb levels." -(Janis M. Miyasaki, in Handbook of Clinical Neurology, 2011)

"Carbon monoxide is not 'ejected' due to acid, therefore carbon monoxide poisoning disturbs this physiological process hence the venous blood of poisoning patients is bright red akin to arterial blood since the carbonyl/carbon monoxide is retained. Hemoglobin is dark in deoxygenated venous blood, but it has a bright red color when carrying blood in oxygenated arterial blood and when converted into carboxyhemoglobin in both arterial and venous blood, so poisoned cadavers and even commercial meats treated with carbon monoxide acquire an unnatural lively reddish hue."- (…. Yeah… this ones Wikipedia, but is cited as: Stryer L, Berg J, Tymoczko J, Gatto G (2019-03-12). Biochemistry. Macmillan Learning. ISBN 978-1-319-11467-1.).

Anyways, I don't wanna talk on and on about this blood stuff TOO much more, so, I'll continue.


8)MISTAKES AND CHANGES I WOULD MAKE.

So, now for the good part, which you've probably been waiting for (and it might just be a little underwhelming).

I said earlier that I made two mistakes when making my attempt.

1)The first mistake was NOT TAKING A SICK BUCKET INTO THE CAR WITH ME.
This mistake is only a minor one though.


2)The second mistake and probably the most helpful piece of advice I can give is to MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SIT IN WITH THE CHARCOAL WHILST THE CARBON MONOXIDE IS BUILDING.

There was a post I saw on this website not too long ago which talked about a theory. The theory said that you could possibly bypass the nausea and headache that comes with carbon monoxide poisoning if you wait a while before getting in with the carbon monoxide, but they also said that there is little evidence to suggest this.

Whilst I can't say that I've successfully done the version of this method in which you wait for the space to fill with carbon monoxide before getting in with it, I CAN say that I've been through the alternative, and I do not wish that on anyone.
I highly Highly highly recommend that if anyone were to CTB with this method that they wait outside for a while.
I blame almost entirely my stupidity in not waiting for my failure with this method.


9)FINALLY

Anyway, if you're still here and managed to read through this heavy heavy string of text, all I can say is thanks, and I hope you found it interesting or potentially helpful.

I'd like to finish this… essentially essay, by saying that if/ (really) when I decided that it is time to CTB, I WILL be using this method again.

I think that the method I used was perfect in all ways apart from not having a sick bucket and not waiting outside of my car (which may have seen kinda obvious to some people). Also, if possible, I may try to get anti sickness medication for next time if possible, but I'd like to think I'd be long passed out by the time vomit becomes a problem.


I would also like to finish by saying (without sounding imposing) that I don't see why anyone would EVER choose any other method than this one. Apologies if this is rude or overstepping boundaries.
I understand that many people advocate N, and I can see why they might, it seems rather peaceful, but in a way it seems very similar to the carbon monoxide method, but less accessible… I mean, as far as I can tell, I can't see a reason as to why charcoal shouldn't be easily accessible to everyone in every country.
The only thing I can see that is overly beneficial about N over Carbon monoxide is that some people don't have access to a space in which carbon monoxide can fill the area.
Honestly, I am not judging anyone for their choice of method… obviously. I mean, heck, at my worst times when I was much younger (when I wasn't educated on the carbon monoxide method) I considered jumping and cutting to CTB.
But I mean, other than the ease of access, I feel that the carbon monoxide method gives you a chance to do the things you really enjoy (if there even are any) whilst you drift off.
You can listen to music, or watch your favourite film. You can even eat whatever you want, unlike N where I'm pretty sure you have to not eat before it…. although, as I said earlier, think about the possibility of vomiting anyways. You can even take your time deciding what day you want to do it and not feel pressure to do something painful, or get rid of evidence. I mean having/ buying charcoal BBQ's and isn't exactly something that anyone is going to take a second glance at (unless you've tried this method once before….).

ANYWAY… finally, for reals, As I said before. Thank you for reading this long as heck post, and feel free to ask questions or interact with this in any way you deem fit!

I wish you all peace in both life (if that is even possible) and death.

how this method can be performed without carbon?... Is there another way to generate carbon monoxide?

 

[knion]

Do you think you would be more successful using 6 or 8 of those little bbqs? I heard you only need 1 to be fatal but you sat there for 2-3 hours with 4 of them and your still alive. Charcoal method seems very unreliable.

Well, yeah, the more the better I would say. But I guess there's a point at which it would become difficult or impractical to use so much charcoal.

3 is enough to be fatal as far as I've read, and yeah, 1 is enough to be fatal in some cases, with a long enough exposure.

The reason I didn't die whilst in the car for such an extended period of time is because it obviously takes quite a while to fill a car.
By sitting in it as the concentration grew I would have felt the ill effects of the LOWER concentration of CO whilst the more deadly levels were growing. So I ended up leaving the car because I felt ill (because of the lower dose) before I managed to experience the higher dose, I should've thought about this (and probably mentioned it in my main post to be completely honestly) before I attempted to CTB.


Anyways, I also think using any more than 4 trays of charcoal would be excessive and make the attempt quite difficult, as I'd need more space to put the charcoal in my car. Also, I'd imagine I'd have a much higher chance of burning myself (the higher amount of charcoal would be rather hard to manoeuvre, the 4 trays was hard enough as it was). Not only this, but the car would most likely become almost too hot to handle if I or really anyone used more than 4 trays of charcoal.

I hope this reply didn't come across as rude at all, I just wanted to let you know what my reasoning was behind using a lower amount of charcoal for the effects, rather than going in tenfold to make SURE it was effective.
I most certainly wanted/ want to die, but I still want to make sure it is as comfortable death as possible.

As ever, thanks for your reply!

I wish you luck in whatever you are doing in life!

how this method can be performed without carbon?... Is there another way to generate carbon monoxide?

Hey!

I guess the only other method I can think of to create carbon monoxide without charcoal, is to (classically) run a hose from a cars exhaust into a small area (for example, inside the car) to build up the concentration of CO in that area.
Some people park their car in their garage and do it that way.
However, exhaust fumes aren't just CO and can smell rather bad and sickly, and as someone (1mazda16) said earlier in this thread (from their experience) this method is rather unpleasant.

The only other thing I can think of is really to research into some sort of chemical reaction, however, I think you'd be more likely to find the materials, utensils and frankly, the ability to do that in monitored places such as a school classroom or science lab.

 

[fay13]

Hey!

Thank you for your reply. All replies are greatly appreciated.

As always, I'm sorry to hear that you're thinking of ending your life as well. I hate to imagine anyone feels the same way I do, so I empathise with you and everyone else completely!
If you ever get around to ending your life I wish you peace, but if not, I wish you a great life.

Anyways, I recently got prescribed Mirtazapine as I'm coming off of sertraline (mostly because of jaw clenching and general crappy feeling). I haven't started it yet, but I've heard it can make you very drowsy.
I hadn't considered trying to make myself more sleepy. Well, at least I hadn't considered it SERIOUSLY because I thought all sleeping pills/ ways of becoming drowsy were basically illegal or very difficult to come by in the UK. So thanks for sharing your intentions as it has made me reconsider using medication to assist in passing out.

As for the drinking, I can completely see why you wouldn't want it to seem like an accident.
I guess one way to be sure people know it's not an accident is write down your intentions fully (even if that doesn't end up being a usual suicide note, if you are against that).

Personally, I just love drink, it's been a massive help in the passing years for preventing my death as long as it's been prevented so far. It makes me able to think about one thing at a time and actually enjoy myself, however, it is becoming a lot less effective and a lot less easy to afford as I get older, as well as being difficult to deal with hangovers now that I'm starting to face the need for full time employment.
Anyways, I digress, I love drink, and I couldn't really imagine my death (at least in this way) without at least a nice buzz.

And finally, thank you very much for your well wishes, they are equally returned.
I am lucky enough to not have caused myself any loss of my mental or physical faculties, so I guess some would consider me lucky in that respect.
Although, sometimes I wish that I could've ended up brain dead, or could've caused great damage to my brain, leaving me mentally handicapped.
I am by no means arguing that life is easy for people who are disabled, but sometimes I feel that MY life would be so much easier, or even closer to what I want it to be If I weren't fully able.
Call me lazy, but I just don't want to do anything, and being fully capable and healthy kinda makes it impossible to do that at the minimum through expectations from family, friends and other people in society.

Anyway, thank you again for your reply! I hope I haven't overdone my reply, as I said, I'm coming off of my sertraline and I can find myself being pretty manic every so often.

I wish you All the best,

Knion.

Hey!

Thanks for trusting me enough to answer these questions for you!

I put ice in the first, larger bucket mostly to stop any downward and sideways heat from escaping the charcoal in the smaller bucket.
Whilst I had to accept there would be a large element of heat coming from the charcoal, I didn't want to just willingly roast myself.

The ice prevented heat escaping through the bottom and sides of the bucket, decreasing the speed at which my car heated up AS WELL AS preventing any burning of the materials in my car.
Not only did this (in my mind) prevent my car from being difficult to sell through damage from heat, but it lessened the chances of a major fire/ explosion as well as stopping the smell of melting plastic making the whole situation worse!

Secondly, as for attempting this method in a small bedroom, I honestly couldn't in good conscience tell you whether it would be successful or not.
All I can say is that I am hugely confident that it WOULD have been successful in my car if I hadn't left. I'm sorry that I couldn't be more help in this matter.

If I could just give my opinion, I hate to say that I am highly sceptical that this method would work in anything much larger than a car, at least with the amount of charcoal I used.

If it's any help, there are a few documented instances in which a broken fireplace in peoples living rooms and bedrooms allowed CO to escape, causing death whilst they were asleep, although that is all I really know on the subject of room sized CO deaths.

Other than all of that, I hope that you find what you're looking for and achieve peace, in either death or life… although I am in no way encouraging you to end your life.

Thank you,

Knion.

thank you so much for your answer , and i wish you the best aswell

 

[William01]

Thank you so much!
I'll DEFINTELY consider it for my next attempt.

I guess my only concern with this is finding out that the level IS too low and will take a long time to kill me. Do I really want to know that this is the case?
Like, as you said, I could add more charcoal, but I'd have to do this outside again as you need to wait for the flames to stop before the charcoal is viable for CO poisoning.
So I'd either have to have flames and carbon Dioxide inside my car, or leave my car and let the CO out.
I think, as much as it pains me to say this, I'd have to just rely on my trusty sick bucket and try ride it out, and I'd prefer to do this without the knowledge of how long it'll take.

But as I said! Thank you for your input. I may change my mind surrounding this after consideration.

Hey! Thanks for your reply!

I used 4 sets of Bar-be-quick: https://www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/product/tableware/bar-be-quick-fsc®-single-instant-bbq

I burned them inside of their tinfoil bases and poured them into the bucket after they had finished flaming and smoking.

So yeah, I guess it's not really the best way of being SURE, but I didn't weigh/ measure the charcoal. But I read online that 3 would do the job, so I bought 2 sets of 2 and used all 4 because… why not?
And as far as I can tell, it worked.

This is the charcoal I got - 3 of them - I put them all into a chimney starter thing ready to light. I was put of by this method as I was told about risks of filailure and brain damage. Can I ask - you set your bucket of charcoal into ice - did this mean there was no damage done to your car?

 

[knion]

This is the charcoal I got - 3 of them - I put them all into a chimney starter thing ready to light. I was put of by this method as I was told about risks of filailure and brain damage. Can I ask - you set your bucket of charcoal into ice - did this mean there was no damage done to your car?

Hey!

Personally brain damage doesn't scare me, but obviously each person is different!

As for damage to my car, the ice prevented any damage happening to my car.
(The only damage that's worth mentioning is that I was sick due to my bodies reaction to CO poisoning, so there's a stain from that. So be weary if you use this method).

 

[William01]

Hey!

Personally brain damage doesn't scare me, but obviously each person is different!

As for damage to my car, the ice prevented any damage happening to my car.
(The only damage that's worth mentioning is that I was sick due to my bodies reaction to CO poisoning, so there's a stain from that. So be weary if you use this method).

Do you think the fact that I have already poured 3 of them into the chimley fire starter things and already dumped the foil containers make any difference?

 

[holyspirit]

Hey everyone!

Whilst I understand that this post is probably better suited for one of the mega threads, I think posting it as it's own thread might be beneficial? I don't really know though.
Anyways, here I go.

This post is a little long, so apologies in advance. However, if you are considering the carbon monoxide method I would recommend you possibly read…. Not to give myself an inflated sense of importance or anything, just I wish I'd had an opportunity to read an in depth walk through I'd what could happen before I tried.

I have set this post out into sections in hopes of making it at least a little easier to navigate and read.


1)INTRO

In late August of this year I tried to end my life through the carbon monoxide charcoal method.
Whilst I obviously failed my attempt, I would like to state that this is still my method of choice, I mean, to be completely honest, this attempt might have actually solidified my choice even more.

I'd like to preface what you are about to read by saying, I by NO MEANS encourage anyone to end their life; I just want to share my experiences incase anyone may find them helpful, useful or even just interesting.


2)WHERE I LIVE

I guess Its as good a way as any to start by saying that I live in the UK, although I don't think there will be much difference in the possibility of doing this method, no matter where you are.


3)EQUIPMENT (?)

For my attempt in august I bought 4 ready made 'small' charcoal BBQ's from Homebase, although you can get them from Sainsbury's and pretty much anywhere else. I had had the BBQ's for about 2-3 weeks before using them, but on the night I tried to end it all I went to sainsburys, got a nice bottle of vodka and a bag of ice (the ice was used in the process later).


4)METHOD/ MY STORY/ MY EXPERIENCE

On the night it took place I lit all 4 BBQ's (although I only planned on using 3).
I let the BBQ's burn for half an hour whilst drinking some vodka and lemonade (but not excessively, I wanted to make sure I had my physical faculties ready and able to use). By half an hour the charcoal had stopped producing flames and was just simmering.

At this point I poured the bag of ice into a large-ish metal bucket that I use as a bedroom bin (I've had it since I was a kid, so I regret to inform you that I don't remember where I got it from). I then proceeded to fill a metal popcorn bucket with the 4 trays of charcoal. They filled the bucket to the brim. (this bucket is available usually (but not always) at Odeon as a promotional item (for example, mine was a fast and furious one… but I digress)).
I then put the popcorn bucket into the ice (which I'd created a bucket shaped hole in) using oven gloves (and just as a warning, this is still pretty damn hot).

From this point, I picked up the buckets and took them to my car. My car is a VW UP! Just for reference size.
Before putting the charcoal into my car, I set the air filter to recycle, I closed all of the air conditioning vents, turned off the fans and turned off the AC.
I set the passenger seat as far back as it could go and put the charcoal on in the passenger seat footwell.

After this I got the rest of my drink and some paracetamol and got into my car. This is where I made my first and second mistake, which I will explain later.

I turned my car on so that I could have some low lighting (that came from the speedometers and the sat-nav) and I connected my phone via Bluetooth and started playing my CTB playlist. (Although neither of these parts are necessary).

At this point, I took 2 paracetamol (in a successful-ish attempt to prevent headaches), I carried on drinking vodka and I took one 50mg tablet of sertraline, because I thought why not (I think more sertraline would've seemed like the best idea for someone attempting suicide, but I'm very glad that I didn't, I'm almost certain it would've made the experience so much worse).

Anyways, from then, I just chilled and listened to music, and I have to say, it is one of the most calm moments I have ever experienced in my life. If this attempt had continued like this, I would've been successful


5)FAILURE

I managed to do what I said above for about 2-3 hours, when suddenly an immense state of panic overtook me. My ears were hissing and I couldn't sit still.
All of a sudden my chest hurt and (funnily enough) I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Then, I threw up on myself, not once, but twice. Not to be overly or unnecessarily gross, It was disgusting and stank and was slimy and uncomfortable (I am only saying this to suggest that you consider carefully what you eat as your final meal). I knew that this was a possibility, but "of course it won't happen to me".

At this point, not only was I almost completely out of it and not thinking rationally, but discomfort and fear overtook me and I called my girlfriend to tell her what had happened.
She drove down immediately to help me and got me out of the car (which I wanted by this point btw, so bear in mind how you may act when completely Intoxicated and… well, poisoned).
My girlfriend called an ambulance whilst I collapse to the floor, almost fainting and I wept and drooled for the first time since I was a young child.
An ambulance would've taken 3 hours (this part isn't a necessary detail, but I thought I'd throw it in to say FUCK THE WAITING TIMES (even though I am aware that nobody can really help it at the moment) and to take this into consideration when planning suicide…. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS PLAN FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF FAILURE).

So, I went into my house, got changed and then my girlfriends Mum and Sister had to wake up, come and get me and take me to the hospital.


6)HOSPITAL

this section isn't going to be a long one, don't worry. I just want to share my experience of this, incase anyone is interested. If you don't particularly care about my personal story, move on to the next section! :) (and I hope that doesn't sound as passive aggressive as I think it does)
When I got to the hospital I checked in, I had to announce out loud that I had attempted suicide in front of all the other patients waiting to be seen.
I then waited roughly 3 hours to be seen.

Whilst I waited, I sobered up and felt surprisingly not too bad.
If you ever find yourself in this situation, you may notice that your eyes will be bloodshot and your skin will turn red, but this goes away shortly, so don't worry, there shouldn't be any permanent damage.


When I was finally seen by A&E I was put on oxygen overnight for 2 ish hours, with bloods being taken 3 times.

*IMPORTANT NOTICE* if you end up in the hospital as a result of a failed carbon monoxide suicide attempt, be prepared for needles and lots of them. As much as they took my blood 3 times, they jabbed me many more.
This method makes your blood extremely difficult to take so be prepared for bruises and many needle holes on your arms and hands.

After the doctors were happy with my oxygen levels they kept me in to keep an eye on me for about half an hour (but mostly because the psychiatrist started that morning and it was almost that time).
The psychiatrist saw me and asked me questions, referred me to a mental health place in the local area and then I was off home.

(Just as an added bonus to this story, when I got home, I slept with my girlfriend by my side until my parents got back from a trip they were on, and needless to say they weren't too happy with me. They were both angry and upset (understandably?))
(ALSO, when I woke up, I was greeted with the need to call in sick to work, to which I was greeted with "you'll need a sick note if you call in sick any more"…. This was after me missing one day previously AND being made aware that I had spent THE NIGHT IN HOSPITAL)


7)BLOOD AND OXYGENATION

I am CERTAIN that this attempt would've been successful if I hadn't thrown up and panicked and gotten out of the car.
My reason for this is that when I was in the hospital, not only were the doctors EXTREMELY surprised when they did my first blood test (and they picked up my treatment rather quickly after they got the results), but I also saw drops of my blood on the floor from when they were taking my blood; It was almost Luminous red. And whilst deoxygenated blood is usually a dark red, this colour was DEFINITELY not normal.

"A deep red, flushed skin color (cherry red) is the one telltale indicator of carbon monoxide poisoning. It comes from high levels of carboxyhemoglobin in the blood.
Unfortunately, it is often a postmortem examination that reveals such a bright red coloring. The level of carbon monoxide in the blood required to get the skin to that color is so high that it is nearly always fatal."- (Not the best source, but 'verywellhealth.com')

"The bright red color of the blood also makes the currently available oximeters unreliable. If there is a suspicion of CO poisoning, an arterial blood gas must be obtained along with COHb levels." -(Janis M. Miyasaki, in Handbook of Clinical Neurology, 2011)

"Carbon monoxide is not 'ejected' due to acid, therefore carbon monoxide poisoning disturbs this physiological process hence the venous blood of poisoning patients is bright red akin to arterial blood since the carbonyl/carbon monoxide is retained. Hemoglobin is dark in deoxygenated venous blood, but it has a bright red color when carrying blood in oxygenated arterial blood and when converted into carboxyhemoglobin in both arterial and venous blood, so poisoned cadavers and even commercial meats treated with carbon monoxide acquire an unnatural lively reddish hue."- (…. Yeah… this ones Wikipedia, but is cited as: Stryer L, Berg J, Tymoczko J, Gatto G (2019-03-12). Biochemistry. Macmillan Learning. ISBN 978-1-319-11467-1.).

Anyways, I don't wanna talk on and on about this blood stuff TOO much more, so, I'll continue.


8)MISTAKES AND CHANGES I WOULD MAKE.

So, now for the good part, which you've probably been waiting for (and it might just be a little underwhelming).

I said earlier that I made two mistakes when making my attempt.

1)The first mistake was NOT TAKING A SICK BUCKET INTO THE CAR WITH ME.
This mistake is only a minor one though.


2)The second mistake and probably the most helpful piece of advice I can give is to MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SIT IN WITH THE CHARCOAL WHILST THE CARBON MONOXIDE IS BUILDING.

There was a post I saw on this website not too long ago which talked about a theory. The theory said that you could possibly bypass the nausea and headache that comes with carbon monoxide poisoning if you wait a while before getting in with the carbon monoxide, but they also said that there is little evidence to suggest this.

Whilst I can't say that I've successfully done the version of this method in which you wait for the space to fill with carbon monoxide before getting in with it, I CAN say that I've been through the alternative, and I do not wish that on anyone.
I highly Highly highly recommend that if anyone were to CTB with this method that they wait outside for a while.
I blame almost entirely my stupidity in not waiting for my failure with this method.


9)FINALLY

Anyway, if you're still here and managed to read through this heavy heavy string of text, all I can say is thanks, and I hope you found it interesting or potentially helpful.

I'd like to finish this… essentially essay, by saying that if/ (really) when I decided that it is time to CTB, I WILL be using this method again.

I think that the method I used was perfect in all ways apart from not having a sick bucket and not waiting outside of my car (which may have seen kinda obvious to some people). Also, if possible, I may try to get anti sickness medication for next time if possible, but I'd like to think I'd be long passed out by the time vomit becomes a problem.


I would also like to finish by saying (without sounding imposing) that I don't see why anyone would EVER choose any other method than this one. Apologies if this is rude or overstepping boundaries.
I understand that many people advocate N, and I can see why they might, it seems rather peaceful, but in a way it seems very similar to the carbon monoxide method, but less accessible… I mean, as far as I can tell, I can't see a reason as to why charcoal shouldn't be easily accessible to everyone in every country.
The only thing I can see that is overly beneficial about N over Carbon monoxide is that some people don't have access to a space in which carbon monoxide can fill the area.
Honestly, I am not judging anyone for their choice of method… obviously. I mean, heck, at my worst times when I was much younger (when I wasn't educated on the carbon monoxide method) I considered jumping and cutting to CTB.
But I mean, other than the ease of access, I feel that the carbon monoxide method gives you a chance to do the things you really enjoy (if there even are any) whilst you drift off.
You can listen to music, or watch your favourite film. You can even eat whatever you want, unlike N where I'm pretty sure you have to not eat before it…. although, as I said earlier, think about the possibility of vomiting anyways. You can even take your time deciding what day you want to do it and not feel pressure to do something painful, or get rid of evidence. I mean having/ buying charcoal BBQ's and isn't exactly something that anyone is going to take a second glance at (unless you've tried this method once before….).

ANYWAY… finally, for reals, As I said before. Thank you for reading this long as heck post, and feel free to ask questions or interact with this in any way you deem fit!

I wish you all peace in both life (if that is even possible) and death.

Are you still planning to do it? I am uk to whereabouts are you?
I am desperate too need partner tho cannot do it where i am. Desperate

 

[William01]

Are you still planning to do it? I am uk to whereabouts are you?
I am desperate too need partner tho cannot do it where i am. Desperate

Yes where in uk are u? I'm in N ireland doubt u r here tho

 

[holyspirit]

No am south uk :( fancy a drive?