Permanently Altered View Towards Death as a Result of Being Suicidal

[glittergore]

Hi all,

So, I've been doing relatively well lately. I've committed myself towards recovery and have been making substantial steps towards achieving it. Even when, a few days ago, I was diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder that can cause blindness, suicide was more a fleeting thought than a legitimate consideration. This is particularly significant for me, as health issues have historically triggered my suicidal ideation more than most things. That being said, before this, I was profoundly suicidal for a long time; it seemed like my destiny, the inevitable, and the desirable. I think being in such a mental and emotional state for such a period of time has permanently altered my view towards death. If I were to die in the next hour - let's say, I go out for a drive and get in a fatal car crash or someone kills me during a burglary - I certainly wouldn't be thrilled with it. In fact, the idea causes me no small amount of despair and grief. However, I do wholeheartedly accept it. Death lurks unrealized in every space in life, and while I currently don't want it, I do accept it for the reality that it is. It's like, even when not entrenched in suicide, I'm no longer capable of being so actively attached to life that death seems like something to resist. Maybe this will change if I grow further away from my suicidal ideation, but this is how I feel right now. It brings me a great amount of peace to have this mindset; I no longer have to worry about my fragile human body, because if death happens, it happens. I'll try to take care of myself as much as I can, but there's no fear there.

On a related note, if this mindset does persist and I become suicidal once more, I think it'll be a lot easier to kill myself now. Funny to think about.

 

[inactive]

True. Just enduring a single suicidal bout permanently changes you.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm glad to hear that you're doing well.

i think it's natural to fear death, since we all have the instinct to survive as long as possible. but death is also a part of life, which i think most people forget. it's simultaneously the end and the beginning of life, because when a body rots, it nourishes the earth around it, which gives plants the things they need to grow. if i die, i die. we all die sometime. we're not meant to be immortal.

sorry if this wasn't what you were trying to say, i just think that this was a very interesting post and it made me think for a bit. i hope recovery goes well for you.

 

[melp]

For me, after many different thoughts of suicide, it is like this:

I'm practically not afraid of death anymore. Accident, shooting or something I'd probably take as an opportunity. Probably my body would have reacted. Maybe I'd just report myself for a bullet from a burglar. Shoot me, because you're gonna be useful to me and take whatever you want.

 

[miguel6565]

Yea suicidal thoughts change your mind (in my case for ever),i have a different view on death and life

 

[Sensei]

It's like with all other insights: they can't be reversed. Once we've realized that suicide is a valid and feasible option, we can't unrealize it. This doesn't mean that our lives must end in suicide, but it means that it'll always be on the list of possible options.