GoneByFriday
New Member
- Feb 19, 2024
- 1
Hi - been lurking this website for a couple years.
Figured I'd get my thoughts out.
I struggle at verbalising them - I don't have a disorder or anything, I genuinely lack the ability to speak coherently.
I will probably have a number of questions to ask and I might talk about many things, which is why I'm not exactly going to stick with a clear, "tangible" theme here.
What I'm saying is that this will be an endless tangent. Feel free to ignore it.
Is it normal to be completely incapable?
As in, is it normal to be unable to do anything to a full, sufficient extent?
I am unable to do almost anything. Cook. Clean. Study. Work. I cannot do it effectively - if at all.
I have spent my whole life stuck with low self esteem. All of it. Since I was born. I do not think things are going to change.
I am so incapable that I lack the strength, the determination, to act upon my intentions. I do not believe anything will go right. I believe something will go wrong, and I will be criticised for it. Why? Because it has happened more times than I can count.
Everything I do goes to dissatisfaction. I'm imperfect, as all humans are, but I am noticeably so.
I wish I was better - but I lack the mental fortitude to do anything about it. There is something wrong on a fundamental level. I haven't fully actualised it but I get the gist.
I mean my point is that I cannot do anything. I am utterly incapable.
I am completely talentless, I lack any good traits - I am defined as a punchline. That's how my friends see me; and those who aren't my friends either see me as the same, or something gross.
The way I conduct myself causes me to not be taken seriously - my little persona that I've made is something that I kept for fun and security - but it's resulted in me being considered essentially worthless as an individual. I am considered nothing for who I am. I am just another member of the friend group, I am another number in the list. Who I am is worthless. I understand that this is my own fault, which makes a good pivot for my next point.
Does it matter?
My problems, my pain. Are they significant?
If I had to judge carefully, I'd spend no time doing so because the answer is clear. No.
My problems, as compared to anyone elses, are of a much lower caliber - they matter so much less. Why? Because they are all my fault.
I am putting my own misery on myself. The reason I am upset is of my own doing - I am the one holding in my feelings, I am the one who is considering suicide over every little passing comment. I whine and complain over my "lack of respect" when it is of my own doing. I made myself this way, and if it results in me being disrespected then why am I upset? Why don't I learn to appreciate my real friends, who have seen me for what I am (not really) and give them my time? Why do I need to keep hurting myself in this way. It's all very much in my control - I'm more than capable of honing and bottling and silencing my emotions.
I honestly think it's humiliating, seeing those stupid god damn searches in my history, being emotionally vulnerable. I feel embarrassed. I feel like a cliche. I am a cliche. It seems like something you'd find in a whiny 14 year old's search history. Suck it up. Move on. Your friends have lived through abuse of all kinds, and they have come out smiling. You can't even stand a little insult, and you've heard it a thousand times.
I'm too lazy to type out the rest. I might add to this if i feel.
Figured I'd get my thoughts out.
I struggle at verbalising them - I don't have a disorder or anything, I genuinely lack the ability to speak coherently.
I will probably have a number of questions to ask and I might talk about many things, which is why I'm not exactly going to stick with a clear, "tangible" theme here.
What I'm saying is that this will be an endless tangent. Feel free to ignore it.
Is it normal to be completely incapable?
As in, is it normal to be unable to do anything to a full, sufficient extent?
I am unable to do almost anything. Cook. Clean. Study. Work. I cannot do it effectively - if at all.
I have spent my whole life stuck with low self esteem. All of it. Since I was born. I do not think things are going to change.
I am so incapable that I lack the strength, the determination, to act upon my intentions. I do not believe anything will go right. I believe something will go wrong, and I will be criticised for it. Why? Because it has happened more times than I can count.
Everything I do goes to dissatisfaction. I'm imperfect, as all humans are, but I am noticeably so.
I wish I was better - but I lack the mental fortitude to do anything about it. There is something wrong on a fundamental level. I haven't fully actualised it but I get the gist.
I mean my point is that I cannot do anything. I am utterly incapable.
I am completely talentless, I lack any good traits - I am defined as a punchline. That's how my friends see me; and those who aren't my friends either see me as the same, or something gross.
The way I conduct myself causes me to not be taken seriously - my little persona that I've made is something that I kept for fun and security - but it's resulted in me being considered essentially worthless as an individual. I am considered nothing for who I am. I am just another member of the friend group, I am another number in the list. Who I am is worthless. I understand that this is my own fault, which makes a good pivot for my next point.
Does it matter?
My problems, my pain. Are they significant?
If I had to judge carefully, I'd spend no time doing so because the answer is clear. No.
My problems, as compared to anyone elses, are of a much lower caliber - they matter so much less. Why? Because they are all my fault.
I am putting my own misery on myself. The reason I am upset is of my own doing - I am the one holding in my feelings, I am the one who is considering suicide over every little passing comment. I whine and complain over my "lack of respect" when it is of my own doing. I made myself this way, and if it results in me being disrespected then why am I upset? Why don't I learn to appreciate my real friends, who have seen me for what I am (not really) and give them my time? Why do I need to keep hurting myself in this way. It's all very much in my control - I'm more than capable of honing and bottling and silencing my emotions.
I honestly think it's humiliating, seeing those stupid god damn searches in my history, being emotionally vulnerable. I feel embarrassed. I feel like a cliche. I am a cliche. It seems like something you'd find in a whiny 14 year old's search history. Suck it up. Move on. Your friends have lived through abuse of all kinds, and they have come out smiling. You can't even stand a little insult, and you've heard it a thousand times.
I'm too lazy to type out the rest. I might add to this if i feel.
